I read your reply on the Poll thread, and would have responded there, but I was afraid it would get lost.

This board gets pretty slow on Friday nights, and doesn't pick up again until Monday, so be patient. I looked at your history, and see you've only posted a few things since August. I just wanted to give you a place to discuss your issues, if you'd like.

On the poll thread you wrote: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
The pole was loaded(SO depends on to agreement if thier not married but agreed to live as man and wife yes)define happy [the people in my life help or hender my happness and joy.]Go to wake Island and go to the other end for a day. alone and happy don't work well together</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wondered what you meant by "Go to wake Island and go to the other end for a day"?

Anyway, for some reason I felt like you needed an place to put some thoughts, and to know you'd been heard tonight.

I won't be back here until next week, but hopefully some other will drop by and give you an ear this weekend.

Write more often so the board can get to know you, okay?

I wonder about that line, too.

And I wonder about the line "Alone and happy don't work well together".

You see, I went through the x leaving a number of years ago. I had 2 young children. And I was alone. He's still gone and the children are older. But they're not adults and they're not always here. But I am, in some ways, still alone. And I am happy.

I guess it depends on your definition of happiness. I read a line from a book in which Augustine was paraphrased as saying, "To have peace, you must know yourself. And to know yourself, you must be alone."

I'm sorry if you are in pain right now. That is how it sounds. But the pain is bearable. And the pain can be overcome. And the pain can be triumphed over.

hmmm...don't really have much to add...but Wake Island! Brings back memories...I spent 10 months on that tiny piece of land many, many moons ago...wow...what an experience!

And there is a big difference from being alone and being lonely! I've been lonely in a room full of people, and worst, I've been lonely in a room with the man I most love in the world.

Being alone can be heaven. It's a time for reflection, thought, renewal...self. I like being alone...I don't like being lonely.

I didn't see the orginal post, but Wake Island is in the Pacific on the way to Guam and is very small I don't remember exact dimesions, I remember I was on one side of the plane and could see water and my mom was on the other side of plane and she too could see water. Very small!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

There is happy and thereis HAPPY! And I meant OTHER END OF THE ISLAND NEAR THE GUN IMPLACEMENT .i ALSO KNOW THE ALONE FEELING.I was at carolwinds at the center state line square.all those people and it was as if I was the only one there!THE pole will not let me look at it.THeir needs to be more anwsers on some of the questions (should a marriage be saved at all cost I said no because if you get beaten up and live in fear )no is right But if its Human selfishness(is this a word?) and stupitaty it should try to be saved ! I find I don't deal with being betrayed at all. the word HONNOR needs to retaugh to let people know that you are only as good as your word.and as I told the WS before we got married don't make promises you don't intend to keep and if you have break one tell them you going to I always have been this way. I need the get a divorce but my word and kids stop me my wife needs to be taken care of and I fear what mite happen if someone is not there.I was not there once and she got raped I know it isn't my falt'but if they know we were to be married they may not have acted'The air force mite not have covered it up in BS and paper work.We had amove out of the house rule if you needed to explore something or someone.so two people that you say I LOVE YOU to at the same time or day don't have the same expectations of what you mean(like "you love me above all other".Except for GOD of coarse.you have to be lieing to someone.Her choose of words made it hurt even more when she told me "I'M in love with brett"Now afther the sim-i hit me and I was in LA LA land and the dr's didn't know if I would get better I could have understood I wasn't there even for myself.But thing were getting better;as was I.I have lost all my feeling towards her and don't know if I'll ever find my way back to at least a friendship level I love her but not in the way of man and wife.Her silence and refuseal to tell me about what happen,just pushes me away even farther away.she still talk's to him in her sleep or she's play good. I got a cat and just brought home two puppys their sweet at least they will be loyal to me (I'm home all the time with them).Some thing changed in her after her affair.I wouldn't marry this person to cold and lies to much. her check doesn't match the hours she said she worked.she said she didn't have a PA but I got a gift I wasn't exspecting,and she took me on the porch and said "I need to tell you some thing"and lite a smoke(something that started with the affair)then she shudded and started talking about the chicken pooping in the yard.(the last time she shudder She told me about the rape and shudder and coulden remember if she was raped or he tied to rape her.I don't know why she stayed. she said she loves me but the look on her face when she said it is weid.She has lied so much I can't beleave any thing she says. she became her father and that is the one thing she didn't want to become.SOME WHERE IN HERE IS A QUESTION I don't know where or what it is I have settled in to this path and I don't want to be on it.But it seems to be the only one here right now BACK to the pole I guess I just wanted more to choose from. they seem to make pick from the lesser of two evils.and I don't accept there is no other way to go.Iguess I want to be hopefull for the Humans here on earth.I still think this woman is a replican of my wife HA HA. hope you all have good day with lots of possibility

<small>[ November 10, 2002, 01:37 AM: Message edited by: 911lastdate ]</small>

PSlove busters The love you and your spouse have for each other is directly affected by almost all of your behavior. This is a point that I will repeat in most of my remaining concepts and Q&A columns. Until now, I have focused attention on behavior that will meet each other's most important emotional needs. When you behave that way, you are caring for each other. But the resulting Love Bank deposits will not do your marriage much good if other behavior leads to Love Bank withdrawals. So to help you gain control over your behavior so that you can learn to avoid making Love Bank withdrawals,
knowing they are there and supporting you. keeps you happy even in the worst of time. This is what I think I was tying to say.Knowing that no matter how bad the world steps o you they are there to help you get up and go on,and together you will stand againt all the stuff the world throws at you.when you loose this or even think you have lost it. You need a place like this to go and see that otherlost it and are trying to get it back to and that you should try

Back to Wake Island <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It's a coral attol (sp) made up of three islands. The total length of the three islands is seven miles long, with the widest part 1/2 mile on the "big" island. It's main value at the time I was there back in 1968-69 was that it had the longest runway in the pacific. (Was a major refueling post for planes coming and going to Viet Nam.) Hawaii is about half way there if flying from the US.

So...they now have guns on it! At the time I was there, the PMR was creating a gravel pit (yeah right, just what you need on a coral island). Can imagine we've got a lot buried out there on that small stretch of land. (oops telling national secrets?)

Going to go find your other post 911, I'm a little confused as to what is going on.

Ok, I agree a marriage should not be saved at all costs. Some marriages should continue, some should not. It's up to the two partners in the marriage to decide if thier's is worth saving.

Sorry, but need to ask a few questions: Did you AND your W get counseling after the rape? It didn't just happen to her, it happened to both of you. Rape is such a stealer of self-esteme, it causes fear, rage, and confusion. Counseling is a MUST for both the actually victim of the assualt and their spouse. (And the ONLY one at fault was the man who did this.)

You feel as if you've lost all feelings for her...doesn't sound as if that's true, else you wouldn't be here. You may well have "hidden" your feelings in an attempt to protect yourself.

IF...you honestly believe that she is NOT sleeping then listen to what she is saying...she wants you to hear something, good or bad, I don't know...but something important that she doesn't have the courage to come out and tell you face to face. IF...she is actually sleeping, we can NOT control our dreams. As hard as that is to accept we can't. My H also talks in his sleep and it was something I had to deal with...but I also talk in mine, and he had/has to suffer through the nightmares I had/have. Neither is pleasant.

It really sounds as if your W wants to communicate with you, but is afraid. (The scene on the porch.) You need to try and create a safe and secure environment where she can come to you. This isn't always easy to do. You must have control of your emotions. If you want the truth...YOU have to be able to accept it. Does not mean you have to agree to it. But, you can't be on the ceiling when you've heard the truth. The calmer you are when she talks to you...the better. Remember, in these cases, the truth is a gift to us, not a nice one, but a gift nevertheless. It's very difficult for the WS to admit just what a stupid choice they made. It's hard to admit it to themselves.

Yes, your PS was right on. It does help to know that there are many others who have faced the worst the world had to throw at them, but they survived, they thrived, and they are happy. Maybe it's not easy (and it's not), but it is worth it.

thank you for finding the idea in all that stuff.island wake not burial site. jap gun at the bump near peale island rusting ,past where the prison camp was. I got herto get invoved in church and she got some help there in or about 91.the rape happen in 88.she is one of those who think if she talk they will lock her up and never let her out!A dear friend is a psyc and she help some but the shutter means it's blocked and her mind can't get access to it so she can't remember she slept with him and her mind can't handle it!I know people suvived and some find great happiness but there are many who are only half happy.haveing some one to trust and you know will not turn away fron you for any reason amplifies happiness and makes you feel like a kid all the time I had that for 12yr 10 mo and 3day even those day I didn't know if i would live I had that feeling !!TO get to where she went she had to amplify every fawl IN me to such and extreme. she will never hold me in her heart in as good a place as I once occupied.It was so hart for her to tell me she loved me onces she decided to tell me she chocked on the word love for all most four months before she could finish the three words in a whole sentence. I almost died watching her try to say it. my face hurt from not grinning and laughing.I only hope she mant it at the time? her childhood SUXED. there is no other wold that fits (sorry)If I closed my eyes I saw her face as it was the day we got married.then in late july I closed my eyes and I saw her on him. she was at work at the time.(I was laying down with the baby) I thought it was my brain shorting out again. I was wrong@the time.she agreed to end it and said she would tell me if he contacted her as soon she taked to me he wrote her in jan and called her at work on 2 feb and she told me on march23. she protected him wich I feel means he is more inportant to her than me.damm the grammer full type ahead !If I say a desparageing work about him(oh sing home on the range it went though my head too)insted of defending him on his good merits she would trash me.Now she has called me a jerk and a Ahole.At that moment you kwen who she love she even attacked the kids which now she said it never happen (I guess it's an estrogen thing remembering an off hand comment said ten year before perbateun and can't remenber a single time we say something good to the women in our lives)she started working out in may and quit aweek afther our preachertold to stop three weeks later I said end it or move out she ended it and spent the next 4 month trashing me which was to be expected According toDr H and the survival guide "withdrawals"I ask what she wanted from me tree months later she said to for give the affair with brett.I ask is that the only thing she said yes.I guess the lyeing ok she dosn't want anything from now I gave her all she wanted from me.I don't know why she here other than she has no where to go to which I told her if she want to go I would help set her up .every day is like a loss: if not for the kids I don't think she would talk to me. I do some thing bat :I call her beardsley. I told her not to give the girls moral advice because they suspected something was going on before I did./Her hours didn't match her check I ask how her date went/I know IT is mean of me,But I don't trust her and she dosen't or didn't want that from me.the puppy need to go out. I'm glad we got them .BY NOW

<small>[ November 11, 2002, 01:05 AM: Message edited by: 911lastdate ]</small>