SS,

It is interesting what you say about people with self-pity. Sometimes I may sound and feel that way, but deep inside I know my worth and you know what? the mere fact that I am fighting for this M makes me feel good. When my W is nice to me and notices the changes in me it tells me that what I am doing is right. I don't fool myself thinking we're headed for reconciliation but I feel it is a step in the right direction.

One of the things that has kept me going is knowing what success looks like in this situation. To me, success is my W and I working on the M together w/o an OM and growing together as a couple. The zenith of this particular situation is when my S, my W and I can have a group hug once again where each one of us really means it.

I feel like I am building the Great Wall of China all by myself and that I am placing one brick at a time. Sometimes a whole section will collapse, sometimes not. Brick by brick the wall was built. I hate it that it is this slow.

W,

You are a courageous man and regardless of the outcome of your situation you should feel proud of yourself. Maybe your W is beginning to see and appreciate this. Thanks for helping me out.

<small>[ November 20, 2002, 05:26 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

UC ... I don't think you're wallowing at all. You clearly understand what it is you need to do succeed and that recovery begins with you. Are there things you could do better? Yes. But that applies to all of us here. I could stand to express my boundaries better.

Over the long haul, though, you're going to be fine and a far better person for having built that Great Wall. Eventually you will have a helpmate to build it with you.

BTW,
When I say that it is one of the hardest things to take, I mean that it hurts to see it, for if we are to have a chance, we have to say just what you both are saying. "There is something I can do, even if it is a small thing, and that I will do."
It hurts to see some say there is nothing they can do because if they don't try, there really is no chance. The other thing about trying, is that improving ourselves is never a waste of time.

W is right that we all make mistakes, we need to keep working on it and keep improving.

SS

whippit:

Good stuff!!!! Sorry I haven't been on here much lately!

I'm proud of you and what you're doing. Your W will definitely appreciate it.

...and I'm getting a chuckle pic2ring OM sitting in that apartment and staring at pic2ures of you and your W everywhere he looks... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I don't think my wife is very happy. Nothing specific leads me to believe this but it's just the sense that I get. When you know someone for 10 years there are just some things you can tell. All things considered, if you were to compare the both of us, I'm doing much better than she is. I'm not sure OM figures much in the picture any more. I know there's been recent contact (she told me she called him Thursday night ... long story), but I think the A is dying on the vine as new work friends are replacing old work friends.

Last night we had a nice dinner and played with our dog for a while. We settled some bills and she hinted that she's running a bit low on money. And she came over to do her laundry again. She has free laundry facilities on-site at her apartment.

She hasn't yet mentioned anything about the letter. I figure I'll give her another week or so before I ask her for her thoughts. And I still wonder every day why exactly we're doing what we're doing. She calls me nearly every day.

I may be misreading the whole situation but could she be waiting for you to make the first move? You know her better than anyone else, could she be giving you signals? I may be totally off base here.

Whip,

I saw in your post, a letter, could you help me find it if you posted it. I am thinking that my H who is still living, ect w/me is seeing multiple women. (im sure as friends <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ) thats his word. Wondering ????

uc ... I've thought that, too. But I'm pretty cautious at this point.

notgoing ... Click here for the letter.

It's funny that my wife's new favorite song from her favorite artist has a line that sez:

"Can I have my cake?/Can I have you, too?"

My wife stopped by my office today. She hadn't shown any interest in where I work since I started this job last March.

W, you are doing something right.
Is there any way you can explain to UC how you have been able to do it?

I worry about him, I was hoping to see a post from him about all the things he would do this weekend to take his mind of his W, and you see what he did instead. It's natural, and it's normal, but it won't give him any peace of mind.

Anyway, do what you can for him.

SS

And BTW,
By not commenting directly on you and your W and what you are doing, I am saying that you are doing well, and I don't know how I could help you any, and that I think you have a good chance.
Just so you know.

SS

SS ... I worry about UC, too. And thank you for your confidence in me and my marriage.

I think we're going to make it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Still a lot of work ahead for us both, though.

Oh, sure,
You do one sentence and leave. There is no way we will be happy with that, you need to tell us what is going on, and why you said it.

How do you expect us to have anything to say when you treat us like this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hope your weekend is going well. Mine is, I got the car fixed yesterday !
Now I can go to work again on Monday. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Maybe I should have left it.

SS

Sorry ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

It's just my gut feeling.

Glad your holiday went well.

I think my wife and I are dating ... without any of that pesky sex, smooching or holding hands. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I have kind of made dating into a game ( that I play with my self.) I try to figure out ways to impress her - as if we had just met and I wanted her to think I am the most kind, careing, wonderful person there is. Not big flashy stuff, but little things that show I am paying attention. I order for her, I remember her favorites from long ago and when we go places we seldom go, I get exactly what she wants. If she meets me at work, I walk her back to her car in the parking lot and open the door. I say things like " I have always liked that about you."...... when she does something I like, or that is one of her endearing traits. I spend time thinking of her and how I could make her smile, things I could say to help her have a happy day.

As I said, I play this game with myself, she doesn't know about it. I have noticed she is a lot happier than she was 6 months ago. She is responding to it so well, I kind of like the game, and I believe I may just do it forever.

Dating is good, much better than no contact. Hope you are happy and well, especially emotionally.

SS

I like the way you think, SS. Things like that "slip out" when I'm with her, but I hadn't thought of it as a game.

I say "I think" because we're not making plans (other than my office holiday party and some Christmas shopping next week) ... she's calling or stopping by and we're doing impromptu things. It's nice. It's like we're re-discovering who the other person across the table is, but with the benefit of 10 years of shared memories. I'm being careful, but things is getting better.