SS ... I didn't say I disagreed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . I'm just afraid and I want to become comfortable with the possible outcomes. It's something I'll do but I'm trying to find my gameface.

And I plan to write. I just want to organize my thoughts and until that happens ... the writing won't. I'm working on it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

SS ... also, I was telling the same friend that she acts like she wants me to do something. I'm just not sure what.

I reckon that a man spends about 70 percent of his time just waiting, waiting on somebody, waiting on something. Yeah, that something in our life that we’ve been working on, sweating for, chasing that elusive dream. Most of us will keep waiting till our time here is over.

Why? Cause it matters.

We focus so much on what we are waiting for that we miss or forget to appreciate what we got.

Truth is, there will always be something we need or want, something we feel we have to have. Yearning, something missing we could wonder, how long it’s gonna take, or how much trust one can endure, or we could wonder, are we just wasting our lives …

So, did she put you on hold or what?

Hey, I don't mean to be trite about important things but some days it helps to laugh. Actually, that is probably quite true, she did put you on hold.

What do we do when we know we have to wait? I have always tried to learn something. Don't succed sometimes, but I try. I think half the stuff I say on this website, I learned reading in the Dr's office. ( or somewhere at least)

Your musing sounds like you are frustrated and wish you could be sure about your M. You really haven't said much lately about things she does or doesn't do. Mostly about your feelings. Are you still having positive things happen?
Are you still working your plan the way you want to work it?

SS ... thanks for checking in. I've avoided posting mostly because I've been spending so much time with my wife (almost every day). Kind of hard to post when one is trying to fill up the bank. Plus I have a new job and I don't spend a lot of time browsing the Web while at work now. No excuses. Just the facts.

I love that you keep tabs. It makes me smile.

I guess that my last post was less about expressing frustration at the situation than it was about me convincing myself to do something with what I have right now. At this point I should do SOMETHING. You made a great guess at figuring she had put me on hold. I think you're off the mark. I don't think she has put me on hold. It's just deliberately paced right now, as if both of us are waiting for the other to make a move. On the other hand, you were dead accurate in assessing that I wish I could be sure about my marriage. That, and I'm starved for some adult naked playtime <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

I have been thinking a lot about what we as BSs go through and how I feel about my particular station. Three things have hurt me the most in all of this. As painful as it is knowing that my wife shared her body with another man, I'm more devastated that she shared her heart with another man. That part she promised just for me. I'm hurt that she has had, and continues to have to some degree, a secret life that she's chosen to keep me away from ... and it's not just the one she shared with OM. I didn't sign up for that. And lastly, I'm hurt that she thought I wouldn't stand up and fight for my marriage. I'm hurt most by this one because it's the one that's completely my fault. Don't get me wrong. I know I'm not alone on all three counts. And I know I've moved way beyond the abyss these things can make one fall into.

In all honesty, I'm doing well. Although things aren't where I want them to be, I can truthfully say that I'm happier than I've been in a long time. My mom came to visit over this last weekend. She's a great mom. She came to visit because she had to see for herself that I'm doing well. I think she had the idea that I'm sitting around the house in a puddle of my own tears. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Again, thanks for keeping tabs. This board is lucky to have you.

<small>[ February 12, 2003, 08:51 PM: Message edited by: whippit ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by whippit:
<strong>My mom came to visit over this last weekend. She's a great mom. She came to visit because she had to see for herself that I'm doing well. I think she had the idea that I'm sitting around the house in a puddle of my own tears. Nothing could be further from the truth.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">lol. Just like my parents. They called my best friends here in the midwest (we've known them for 6 years and my son says their 5 yr old daughter is his best friend) to make sure I was doing well, eating well and to keep an eye on me.

I'm glad you're doing well whippit. I showed my S the Xmas CD and since he loves dogs he was asking me why the dog was on its cover.

Be well.

UC ... just so you know ... I haven't been ignoring you. New job has kept me busy and visitors to the the Rocky Mountains are like visitors nowhere else I've lived. Constant go-do-see. We'll catch up soon.

whip

whipit,

don't worry. I am glad that you are spending so much time with your wife. You are doing great!

Took a step yesterday.

I got my wife a Valentine's Day gift. She wasn't expecting it but she was happy I thought of doing something. She even said, "I didn't get you anything because I didn't know we were doing anything." She works tonight. Anyhoo, I sent her home with her gift bag, filled with some chocolates, her presents and a card I made. The card was the step. On the front I wrote, "One ordinary day ...". Inside I wrote, "... I met someone who took away my breath. And then I knew." She said she was going to wait until she had something for me to open, too. A nice thought. But I told her she didn't have to wait if she didn't want (she's terrible around gift giving times when it comes to waiting).

I don't know if she tore into it yet. We'll see. I hope she likes it all.

Hi W,
I don't have much time for a while, W had operation and I pick up the slack.

I think you are doing well, if she responds correctly to your effort you will probably have a long and happy life with her. I did see your reply but have not had time to respond properly.

SS

SS ... don't sweat it. My hope is that your wife is well. And you picking up the slack is the mark of a good spouse. You have learned well here, Grasshoppa.

Update ... my wife responded well to the presents. She called me last night after work to tell me that she loved them all and she thanked me. Another corner is turned, me thinks. While I had her on the phone I asked her if she wanted go see one of our favorite comedians who is doing stand-up here this weekend. She accepted, provided her work schedule allows. It's not a dodge or an out. Her shifts on Fridays are just that way. She opens the restaurant but it could easily become a 12-14 hour day ... which means Friday night plans get tossed out the window. It's all good, my friends.

test
test

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 06:25 PM: Message edited by: whippit ]</small>

one last test

Is it time to open the communication lines with her? Or have you been doing this right along?

Kind of along the lines of:

W, you may have noticed that our Marriage seems to kind of be in limbo right now, I would like to talk to you about it."

If you have, what does she say?

SS

SS ... these conversations haven't been taking place. But I believe we're beginning to hit critical mass. My feeling all along -- once I started to get it -- has been these things will happen when they're supposed to and not a moment sooner. Early in this journey, pre-D-Day, I forced the issue a lot. Lots of talks about us, which served to drive a deeper wedge between us. We've come a long way since then and I know that the road to recovery will require something mroe than non-verbal communication (like we have now). I also know that my wife comes to things in her own time. In the way that I knew she was having an affair before she told me she was, I know that she wants to talk to me but could be fearing doing so. She lived a long time with a very depressed man who has just really begun to hit his stride again. I frequently ask how she is and how she's doing out of genuine concern and to let her know that I still believe in her and us. Am I happy with our progress? Yes. Could I be doing more? Certainly. Am I afraid? You betcha.

I was talking with my dad today and he asked how things were going. I said that it's like we're both waiting for the other to make a move but something is holding us back. My fear is that I'm not ready to be that vulnerable with her. I'm still protecting myself to a large degree. I can only assume what her fear is, but if I had to guess it's that she's afraid of how this mess we made, and her subsequent choices, has changed this thing called us.

In any case, it really is time for one of us really lead. And I know that that person is me.

<small>[ February 17, 2003, 12:00 AM: Message edited by: whippit ]</small>

There's no magic, you just have to muddle through it. I do the same thing, muddle along.
Results come in time. ( waiting sucks though)

It sounds like you know where you are, and can see where you want to be. Don't be afraid to ask her if it is time, she just might know what you mean. If she says it's not time, you can ask her how close it is.

Fear is natural, we all have it. It's what you do with it that makes the man ( or women,) and I bet you will get over it.

SS

For Valentines' day, belated, my wife bought me another tattoo. She has a long standing tradition of "buying" me more ink and then not following through with it. She's given handmade gift certificates that promise it, but when it comes time to pay she balks (once for Christmas and once again as my wedding gift to me). This time she handed me a check, a buisness card for one of the best shops here and the explicit instruction to use the check for nothing other than a new tat.

And she invited me to a special event one of her sales reps is having this upcoming Sunday.

And last night she look so good.

We stopped by her place last night after dinner so she could get some laundry started. I saw that she had gone through her VD gifts that I gave her and I think the card I made for her made her cry. She left a package of tissues next to it and she hasn't been sick. I hate making her cry.

Whippit,

From where I sit, it sounds like things are going pretty good. The thing that always makes me happy with my situation is when I look back to how things WERE, and compare them to how they are now.

While you still want a lot more, mostly that being a way out of the holding pattern you're in, think of where you were with your wife...I remember all of your past stories that you've shared with me, and know that the place you are with her now, exchanging gifts, going to social events together, etc, is a ton better.

Congrats, sounds like you are really doing well with your MBing! Just wanted to check in and tell you that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

ALS

Time to return the sentiment, ALS. You make me smile.

I could kick myself ... but what's done is done. Or should I say what wasn't done wasn't done? Clever.

One or two days per week, my wife is scheduled to open her restaurant. It's a fairly early shift and she's NOT a morning person. Today is one of those days. She called me last night at about midnight because she was having trouble getting to sleep. I have some tried and true methods that have helped in the past to, in some cases, put her to sleep or -- at the very least -- relax her enough that she stops being so anxious about being awake when she she should be sleeping. We spoke for about 15 minutes, both of us lying in a bed ten block apart. When we hung up, I laid there contemplating calling her back and asking if she wanted me to come over. I sensed that's what she wanted me to do. I couldn't find the right words, perhaps? I was just too scared, maybe?

I can't figure out why I didn't. I wish I had. Even if she had said no, I wish I had.

Heed my own advice. Shake it off. Take the chance sometime soon.

I feel better now.