Alot of times you people here do not give me input when I ask a question but I need some here please. I've been seriously thinking of sitting down with her ex and try to reason with him. He keeps threatening to take her youngest away from her or fight for custody and plain has told her he will never allow her to have a life. I don't know if I talk to him and tell him that all this bull cookies he has been putting her through is not in the best interest of his future, her's and the damage that could becaused to the children if he continues with all this.
I would like to convince him to just let it go and move on. It would be better for him than keeping himself from a life and he would not look like a Ahole to everyone including his own kids. I have to convince him that he will always be their dad and we would never keep the kids from him.As you have read in recent posts I practiced no contact with my ex and things a quiet for me and it hasn't effected my relationship with my two daughters. I feel they love and appreicate their dad cause I didn't make trouble and pretty much stayed away from their mother. I hope to convince him to let her go and walk away and practice no contact with her telling him that it's better to get rid of all the fustrations, anger and just plain stopping with everything. That includes whether he likes us being together or not.When it came to my EX if she had a boyfreind I just didn't care cause its her life not mine and he should feel the same. She is not his problem anymore and get a life.
Do you think I have any snowball chance in hell of doing any good here? I do I even have a chance of planting at lest the seed in his thick head that moving on with a quiet life for himself is perferable than putting everyone through hell?

<small>[ November 09, 2002, 07:30 AM: Message edited by: 231 ]</small>

I don't know but I doubt he would listen to you.

While it is her life (your girlfriend, I think), he does have some interest in it as his children - also her children - live with her (I think).

My x has remarried. The only input I have made into his life were when he and his then girlfriend were going to take a trip and wanted to take our children. I cautioned him that the "experts" recommend not introducing children to boy/girlfriends unless the relationship is somewhat serious.

He has not had much say in my life - and he does try to give me grief but I have learned that I don't have to listen to him and can hang up phone or walk off - even when my boyfriend and I were going to take our collective 4 children on a 2-week RV trip.

I don't have any great words of wisdom except that his interest in her life should be the welfare of the children.

Do you think I have any snowball chance in hell of doing any good here?"

Yes, I think your chances are exactly the same as a snowball's in hell. Slim to none.

Unless you are The great and powerful wizard .... your power to change this man's mind and heart are puny.

This is her mess to work on.She married this man because he met her needs ... and quite possibly one of her needs was to be with someone who would "take over" and "take charge". If she is ever going to become stronger as a person, she'll have to experience standing up for herself and drawing her own boundaries.

The problem isn't this guy, but the ineffectiveness of this woman.

Do you have respect for this woman's strength and faith in her ability to work our her problems without your help?

Pep

My personal oppion is that even though he does care about his own daughter but I think its more of a vindiction thing as she would not crawl back to him after HE left. We are going to get married but she is afraid. As she would say "I'm in a very ugly situtaion here and getting married or living together will only make it worst, I love you so much and your are a good man and I wish to be your wife but he said he will not allow me to have a life". I love her too and I'm not going to sit idlely by while both our lives are put on hold out of fear. But what can I do? I feel talking to him is the best place to start. Some how this thing between us has to come to an end so all of us can move on. I will not give up on her so I have no choice but to do someting that will achieve my goal. If nogetation will help I'm willing to try for the mutual benefit of all. Keep giving me input here so I can take the best course of action. I realize this is a very serious situtation but I believe no one has the right the denie another a life. Husband or wife one does not own the other . It makes it go from a marriage to marital slavery and crap like this should not be toilarated.

231...I don't know your situation, but from one woman (me) who went through a divorce with an xH who threatened everything under the sun....You stay out of it. Your W/SO needs to let her lawyer handle this. While you may see yourself as a possible "savior" in trying to fight this battle, it won't work. You intruding into this matter between parents will only "fuel the flames".

After I remarried (xH remarried the day after our divorce was final) my xH became so bad that we had the cops out at our home more then once. He was "moving on with his life", as his new W was PG, yet he felt this overwhelming need/desire to control my life or maybe just to make me desparate.

My H had to step back and allow me to deal with all this mess through my lawyer. He gave me lots of emotional support and was always there if I had to go to court...but he never said word one to my xH.

Finally, it was decreed that on visitation, someone besides xH had to come for the girls and bring them home to me. It got that bad. He did eventually attempt to try have me declared an unfit mother. My lawyer combatted this with a witness list proving that my DDs had medical/dental care, went to school, had supervision after school, etc. It never went to court...he knew it wouldn't do any good and he was only attempting to cause me trouble.

Sadly within two years, he completely dropped off the face of the earth in regards to my two girls. My H and I revoked his parental rights after five years of no-contact/support and H adopted them.

Let the lawyer handle this, it's what we spend good money for.

My first response, as a person in a second marriage with step-kids, and also as someone with VERY strong opinions on this subject (so take this with that in mind):

IT'S NOT YOUR BUSINESS.

This is between your girlfriend and her ex-H ~ period, end of story.

I know it sounds harsh, and I'm sorry about that. It's not meant to slam you - but - I know you asked this before (regarding telling her ex to move on) and I responded to you in the same way then too.

PLEASE LET YOUR GIRLFRIEND HANDLE HER EX AND CHILDCARE ISSUES.

You will give her a GIFT by allowing her to do it herself.

PLEASE .... take a few moments... and make a list.

1. Your lady's personal strengths.
2. Your lady's abilities to solve her own problems.
3. The reasons your lady could resolve her conflict with her X-H without your help.
4. The benifits (for her) if your lady solves her problems without your help.

Just try this.

pep

So staying out is my best option? You don't realize how much I hurt for her and how fustrated I am cause she is afraid to move on because of him. Any one else would like a say here? I'm still open to ideas and wifey too thanks for your insight it is very helpful

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 231:
<strong>...she is afraid to move on because of him.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And you don't see GREAT BIG RED LIGHTS when you write this?

231, she isn't ready to move on.

Harsh reality, but if you're both reading right now, look at each other. 231, ask her straight to her face if she's ready to move on.

231's girlfriend: Your children and YOUR ex are YOUR responsibility.

Yes, 231 would be a step-parent to your children, and I understand that. That doesn't make him your voice though - that's yours alone.

Are you ready to move on?

By the way, I do feel bad because that sounded kind of harsh, but it scared me... sent alarm bells ringing.

I am not judging. If you know my story, you'd know that for certain.

If you have any questions, ask.

Listen, I moved too quickly into my second marriage after the first, and in the process hurt some people - some people I LOVE, like my children. My H and I both moved quickly, before the ink dried on the decrees (BOTH of us) and we had to do lots of grieving and growing up in front of each other. Some days it wasn't pretty. I'm hoping you avoid this pain... that's where I'm coming from...

What are HER strengths????

Why not answer this question?

Pep

pepperland sorry I haven't answered because she came to the door and wanted to go and spend sometime together.I just got in the door and got on this site so I'll get to later when I get more organized.

<small>[ November 09, 2002, 05:22 PM: Message edited by: 231 ]</small>

I did not mean to imply that you should step in. I don't think you should. But I did mean that she will never be rid of the man unless he dies or pulls a disappearing act. And he is within his rights to be concerned about the children.

Nothing means as much as doing it yourself and that's what she needs to do. You might help her find the strength to do it. Be her cheerleader but don't be her voice.

It was very difficult for my H to stand back and only offer emotional support. BUT...if he had "jumped in", then the "fight" would have gone onto many side paths. And you do have to be careful to keep the focus. You do NOT want to be dragged into this, or be willing to jump in on your own. NOT a good idea. It will only cloud the issues and make things more difficult in the end.

I do understand why your GF is afraid. It can be scary. Has she contacted a GOOD lawyer? Don't play around with this. Get legal advice and follow it to a "T". Document EVERYTHING that happens. It may not be admissible in a court but you can still give it to your lawyer (or the cops if needed) to let them know what she is dealing with. As much hard copy evidence as possible...ie. copies of emails, messages left on answering machine, etc. But even a daily log of what and when is helpful. Believe me...lawyers discuss their cases with each other outside the courtroom and with the judges...so if your lawyer knows the truth, so will everyone else.

Your GF needs to resolve this in a legal way. If necessary she can get a RO or an OOP (order of protection). Don't know if it's gotten that bad or if it will, but there are always options. And the option of you telling him what to do with his life and how he should behave...is not the right one. jmho

O.K. people here is the scoop. I work part time for a limo service and I had one of the cars. My car is broke so the owner let me us the car to take my tools and help another driver fix his car. Any ways on the way back her yellow firebird came up beside me and who should be in it but her ex. He has no car so from time to time until it is settled in court she lets him borrow it. He pulled ahead of me and went in one to the plazas, I went around the block to come back and have this talk with him but I started to think about what all of you are saying and decided against it and I left. A little while later the GF showed up and asked if I want to go hang out but once I got into the car she raked me over the coals because he went straight back to her house and started an argument with her. She asked me what was I thinking of doing so I told her the truth. We went out to dinner and she asked me to do what you where saying along. And besides she is afraid that he'll punch my lights out and she doen't want me hurt cause she loves me so. Everytime I see him I get mad at all the crap he puts her through and all the debt he left her and all the money she spent trying to keep her credit good so we can buy a house together. I can't do it my exwife killed my credit when she left so the stbw's credit is the only good credit we have. How do I get past all this anger and fustration I have. All of this is eating me up inside cause I love this woman so. She afraid that he'll sue her for adultry even though we got into a relationship a year after he left and he already said that his sister,her husband,and a few freinds on his side will testify and said we where together from day one which is a lie. Stbw says that it will all be over in April if I stay out of it and don't antaginize him. She say he will stay away from her and let us be if I keep my nose out of it. So I promised I will but it still doesn't solve this problem of me being angery and fustrated all the time. You don't know how much of a struggle it is for me to sit here and watch. I don't know if seeking profesional help would help but I have to do something so I don't screw my relationship up with her cause she was pretty mad at me.
new begining you where right she is not ready to move on yet she wants to deal with is first and then move on with me. but I been stuck in this for a couple of years now and I need to move on but I'll be dam if I go without her. I can't get a place myself cause one I don't have the credit and two I still have things I have to pay for yet. Being stuck in limbo is another thing that get me fustrated because I've been divorced for a couple of years now and I haven't go anywheres up till now. I have family members that are pushing me to dump her and find someone better, telling me that she is taking me for a ride and that she is using me and I know all this is not true. I know actually going on just as I have told you here and you have told me.You don't know the pressure they put me under. Find someone without kids or was not previously married. First off at my age (41) how many woman are out there that haven't been and besides I have a good lady in my life and I love those kids as much as my own.But I will not abandon my sweetpea because they say so. anyways I have rambled on too long here so if you have anything to say I'll be glad to listen

Well, you've given the best reason for staying out of it yet. She asked you to. This is her problem that she wants to deal with...as she should.

You did good, by not confronting him. I know it's frustrating, I know you want to be pro-active and jump in and "do something". Women want to be able to "vent" to someone who is emotionally supportive...when they do so, they are NOT looking for that person to "fix" it, they are looking for validation of their feelings. IF...she asks for advice, great give her some options that she might have overlooked, tell her if she's doing the right thing...but don't try to make the decision on what she should do for her.

If she's the right woman for you...she is worth waiting for. Pick the battles you must fight, don't go out looking for them.

Good Luck!