Here's my story in a nutshell, I need some advice...
Found out about my WH's ongoing A back in Sept. and have been a mess ever since...we'll all been there and know the extreme levels of stress this can cause. For awhile after 2 seperations of only a few days apart I was trying Plan A, went to counseling, read up on why people have affairs and found MB.

However, even though my WH has told me its been over since August, she has still called a couple times, I don't have access to his email (haven't asked for a while), he got very angry when I started snooping and he's been annoyed with everything lately, especially me. He and OW work together and there's also been some issues going on with the management at his job so he's been extremely stressed out! As for me, I wasn't eating much and became weak and tired...finally I thought that perhaps he was still hiding something and my MC thought so as well. Because actions speak louder than words! Anyway, I just couldn't take it anymore.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I told my WH I was leaving for a few days to try and get better, I was just too stressed being around him and the house. We don't have any kids so this decision was fairly easy for me, next weekend I'm going to see my family out of state for a week to "rejuvinate" and focus, he might go see his family out of state as well. So I guess its a modified Plan B even though its only been 2 months since I found out...

We have freedom to contact each other but haven't much. He was okay when I told him I was leaving, like no big deal, do what you need to do to get better, he doesn't want to see me sick. Sometimes I wonder if he wants to see me at all. I have tried everything in Plan A but figure at this point that he's going to do whatever he wants or talk to OW whether I'm around or not...after all, he fooled me within the first year of our marriage! (we've only been married 1 1/2 years, lived together for 4, so we're off to a GREAT start) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I don't know if this is the right decision though? He called me last night at my friend's house who I'm staying with to say hi and we hadn't really talked for a few days except for a couple emails here and there, he wants to take me to the airport next week. He's always said that he still loves me but I'm thinking maybe he loves two women and is struggling with his emotions. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Am I supposed to wait this out? Should I move out after I come back from my trip if he doesn't start taking action? I told him there were 3 steps: Get to a counselor/doctor and on medication (he has depression), find a way to stop contact with her (so far he refuses to quit his job and apparently she won't budge either), and find out if there's any point to me being a part of his life anymore? He hasn't said much about any of this so I don't know what he's thinking. I need to know what to do...should I leave until he can do those things? Might that backfire on me if I'm not around? Should I go back to Plan A?

By the way, I bought Harley's book "His Needs, Her Needs" and so far its great, I just wish I had it a year ago.

<small>[ November 09, 2002, 10:34 AM: Message edited by: zany ]</small>

My situation is a little different as I know the A is still going on (although there's a 7 hour distance, so it's by phone and email). Also, we don't have kids yet, but are pregnant and due in May.
I have asked for NC and my H agreed twice, but then ended up talking to her again. He now says he doesn't want to stop the contact, and he also doesn't know if he wants to end our marriage so I'm doing a plan A.
I guess I figure that as long as he is undecided, I still have a chance to try and win him back. It's hard though, especially to not be demanding and talk about the R all the time. But I don't think so far I've done a great plan A and I'm also not ready to give up so that is what I am doing.

I plan to go back home tonight or tomorrow, don't know yet. We talked a little yesterday. He says he's not angry with me but I can tell he's extremely frustrated at the state of our marriage. He didn't go home on Saturday night, even though I was away I went there on Sunday and could tell he had never been home, so I asked him about it and if he was with her. He neither confirmed nor denied and said "it doesn't matter where I was, if you get to spend time away so do I"...

So now he's playing the blame game like why am I just blaming OW? I told him I'll file divorce papers if he wants to be let off the hook and he doesn't believe me. He doesn't think I need to know his schedule 24-7 and has been a bit of a jerk about it. I guess he figures this is all my fault. He asked me again why I was going out of state to see my family and I said "you know why" and he does! Now I guess he feels like I'm abandoning him. I feel like he's taking all my feelings and emotions and throwing them out the window like they don't mean anything, its all about him lately, I'm so frustrated. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ November 11, 2002, 09:07 AM: Message edited by: zany ]</small>

So do you think he wants a divorce? Maybe he thinks that by you going to your family that it is over, that they will convince you to end it.

I know what you mean by its all about him...especially if he's upset when you want to know where he is. If there is nothing to hide, then why is it a problem?

I know its hard, but in plan A, asking if he was with her is a LB. I guess in your case its different if the A is really over, it sounds like that is what your not sure of though.

If you are in recovery then there really shouldn't be anything to hide so I don't understand why he would be upset. How do you approach/ask him about it? I have learned to ask questions in a tone that is friendly and more that I'm interested in you and what your doing. Instead of accusing which is another LB.

I know the frustration....I just take it day by day and come to this site.

Your story sounds like mine. My wife had an affair 5 months after we said I do. I bought the book and came here to MB. I used the startagies in the book and from MB to get us on the road to recovery. If you want it to work then you must keep trying. It's a hard road I have done it once and now I have to do it again because I let myself slip into my old ways. I didn't show her te affection she needed and now I hav to do this all over again. All I can say is keep hope alive and work on making yourself a better person.