Have been Plan A-ing for over 12 months and have enjoyed what time I have with H and have very positive interaction. However H's comments about his OW have increased despite my asking on more one occasion for him not to tell me about her- so- as it is hurting me more and more, my love bank is very low and H is enjoying deep friendship with me and living with her - is it time for plan B.
Jante

Dear jante,

I have tried looking back on your old thread "Is love enough?', but you have been posting here a long time, so i haven't been able to get through it all yet. But I did see that you say you have had a lot of financial difficultites with H, and now that you are living alone, you don't have those problems anymore. You made the comment that "everyone told me not to trust him" - this changes my earlier opinion as to whether or not DV would be desirable in your situation. Remember, this is just my opinion.
But if you are still legally married to a man who is really VERY financially irresponsible and you can still get legally "stung" for his debts, you have to protect yourself and your children from this possibility somehow.

You say that he is talking to you more and more about the OW, when you have specifically asked him not to? What do you mean? Does he try to talk to you about his problems with her, or does he tell you in passing conversation what she said - does he just include references to her in his conversations with you, or does he tell you what she thinks about things, and expect you to accept hearing that her opinions are important?

It sounds like he is not respecting the boundaries you have tried to set, which would enable you to go on with a friendly R with him. If he can't do that, and is expecting you to be his "friend", the person who will listen to him about ALL his problems, including with OW, if it were me, this would be too much. He is just emotionally using you.

When I say that, I feel I know that should I split up with my H, he would do the same. He does talk to me about everything that is a problem for him - he is used to having me there to listen to his complaints - and boy, can he complain!

It would be up to me to decide whether or not I would want to continue to be an absorbent towel for him for this kind of thing, or whether I would just rather not have this in my life, even if it meant not seeing him or speaking to him again. I feel that I would not want to see him or speak to him again - its awfully draining of MY energies to have to listen to that all the time if I am not getting back what "I" need. And in your situation, what are you getting back that YOU need?

You have even been hospitable to the OW. My mother refused to let the OW in our house because it was the only place we ever got to see my father alone - she clung to him like a limpet, even sitting in the front seat of the car next to him, so that we couldn't sit next to him.

On the positive side, you said that H came down earlier this weekend for kids - 9:30 rather than 11 - that means even less time spent with OW, and certainly not breakfast in bed! In my own experience, regular weekends spent with his kids was a big cause of resentment for my stepmother. My dad was a doctor and worked long hours - up for surgery at 5 am and oncall 24 hours - weekends spent with his kids. Well, their R HAS survived - and that was my dad's choice.

You have to think about you. IF you do go to plan B, though, do it right - take some time to think out your plan B letter, and make sure you send it. Do not plan B without making it crystal clear to him why this is happening, why it has to happen, AND your feelings about what he can do to change the situation. Your reasons for going to plan B will be your own, not anyone else's, and you can run by your sample plan B letters here, to make sure that your "boundary setting" is not coming out like a "demand" (I would find this very difficult to do).

I am really sorry that you are feeling down - you should not have to be going through this - and I will pray for you and your boys. My heart goes out to you.

Keep us posted.

LIR

Hi LIR thanks for replying. I have come close to plan B at least 2 times before but never fully implemented it or sent a proper plan B letter so if I go that route- and at the moment I'm feeling very like doing so- I will do it properly which means thinking it through very clearly first.
His talk about OW tends to be passing comments about her house, of her job situation or in this case her health. He doesn't talk about how he feels about her or what she thinks about the situation. His attitude when he came here with her implied that she has very little idea how frienly he actually is with me. I think my overriding problem at the moment is sheer exhaustion with the whole situation.
Hope things are improving in your situation. Jante

There are always reasons for and against going to plan B. I know you have considered it before. What are the reasons that have kept you from going to plan B before now. Also, why are you considering doing it now when you did not before now.

I felt it would be good to examine your reasoning and see what you have been thinkkng. You also may get more replies if you put in your history again, ( cut and paste from before and add what has happened since the last history.)

SS

Hi folks and thanks SS for the pointer so here goes- Actually haven't found a good example of a description of my last 2 years at all this so will start from scratch.Living in H's dream home, but I hate it which led to depression.
November 2000- H working away from home and I find out about A
January 2001 - H agrees no contact. We start to try to mend marriage. I arrange to take work near to H's work and move family 300 miles to be with him. ( Not found MB)
February 2001 - Find out H is now dating a work colleague and seeing another friend regularly who he refuses to introduce me to. More pleading and begging on my part.H tells me he is leaving me
March 2001 move back to England as per previous plans as it means H can still see the children more regularly and means I am nearer family
March - June 2001- we go to marriage counselling but counsellor ends it after 5 sessions as she says H is making no efforts to work on marrieage.
Aug.2001 - H starts to date OW .
Dec 2001 - I try to withdraw contact with H but find it very difficult as I have 3 boys, he sees them in my house AND I still love him.
Feb 2002 - find MB buy Surviving an A - start to fully implement plan A though have been actually doing one for some months. Between then and now H has confirmed he is living with OW, I and the children have met her, and the children have been to stay with them in summer hoildays. Our home in Scotland is sold and I have been and emptied it. H spends days at my house seeing the children and talking to me, but continues to live with OW and recently told me he intends to dv me when our 2 years separation is up in Feb, To 2 be fair and set you free"

This last w/e I finally blew up big time when he had drip fed me info about OW all day despite my lack of interest. Its a long time since I shouted at him over situation and it has left me feeling very drained and for first time ever not wanting to see him at all. More of this part can be found the thread- Will loss of all material things make him think?

I will have to spend Christmas dy with him whatever else I decide- hes been invited for months and the children are expecting him. We still buy the childrens presents and his family presents between us and to outsiders still look like an ideal couple when together but H just won't admit to there being anything left between us.
Jante

Looks like giving more detail actually shut everyone up!!
Jante

Hi Jante,

I don't post that often but thought I'd pop in on your thread. Part of the reason that I don't pop in on your thread so much is that you usually seem very clear in what you want to do. I personally could not tolerate the painful situation you are in, so I don't feel qualified to offer you advice.

If I were in your shoes, I would probably initiate the divorce myself (probably on grounds of adultery), and move on as best I could. I would cut my H off after I had done a good plan A, (if he didn't respond), in order to cut him out of my heart. I would sue for whatever child support I could get, and protect myself as much as I could legally and financially. But that's me.

You ask about going to a Plan B. I think it depends on how much the current situation hurts you. Some people are comfortable maintaining very amicable relationships with their significant others who have moved on to new relationships. It's clear that your H is not WITH you. It's also clear that your Plan A has not succeeded in causing him to come back to you. Your H seems pretty comfortable with the status quo. He continues to blatantly give you signals of his detachment- plans for divorce, talk about his life with OW. In a sense, this may be his way of testing you. He is seeing if you will still be his friend despite this. He is assuring himself that he has nothing to lose. He tells you he's going to divorce you, and he sees that you still welcome him into your house.

I don't know that Plan B would necessarily get your H to rethink things, but it might jolt him. Certainly your Plan A has not gotten him to recommit to your M. Plan B might shock your H, and it might enable you to move on. I wouldn't count on it getting your H to recommit. Would it ease your pain, help you move on in life? You are the one who has to decide.

Forget your H for the moment, and envision the life you want to lead. Then make a plan for how to get there.

Thanks Espoir for your thoughts- I may seem to be clear thinking on it all but I swither between emotions and options almost daily.

I need someone to clearly state the situation as you so succintly did- thankyou it helps to see how it looks from an out side point. I know that I either have to Dv or at least do a very firm plan B , or be content with the status quo as H is. I'm just not very good at making that final cut though I know I'm not happy as just friends either- its hurting too much. So perhaps this next few weeks of not seeing him without actually going to full plan B may jelp me make up my mind.
Jante

Jante -- Only you can decide to move to D or plan B, but parts of your situation remind me of my own. Despite being involved with OW for more than 2 years (d-day 8/01) WH has never been willing to let go of ME. He has actually stated that OW and I are "complementary" and together we meet all his EN!!!! I don't think he actually trusts either one of us to completely meet his needs.

Perhaps this is the situation with your WH. Perhaps his relationship with OW continues to work BECAUSE you continue to meet the needs you did during your M. Thus, OW doesn't have to carry the entire load. In this way you might actually be enabling the A. Of course it is also possible that your WH has other reasons for staying in your life and a D or Plan B might not change him one bit. That's the rub. For me I am finally at the point that I would rather be D than remain in this "non-M". My WH is currently in one of his repentant modes, but when and if he falls off the wagon, I'm ready to move on. Only you can make that decision. Plan B might wake up your H, but it might not. You have to be ready to accept either possibilty. Think about what's good for YOU, what YOU need for a happy life. Can this one sided relationship with your H really be all you deserve?

BS-40 (me)
WH-40
M-15 yrs, together 19; 3 children (4,5,8)
A-10(?)/00 to ???? (WH in new city, kids and I move later)
d-day #1-8/01
WH moves out 1/02
I move away with kids 5/02
multiple reconciliation attempts, multiple d-days, only constant lies, lies, lies.
11/02 WH again claims to end A, waiting to see what happens next.

Hi folks and thanks WIW for your input. Yes I agree only I can decide and I feel closer to deciding than ever. This w/e was my first contact with H since last weeks blow up. I arrived at his parents to drop children off and he was alreadyn there. I found it very difficult to do more than give him a cursery hello and then having accpeted a coffee from FIL refused an offer of a lift to the hotel where I was meeting friends. In the end FIL insisted on taking me although i was happy to catch bus and taxi. Today he dropped son and car at my sisters and my BIL took him to the station so again I said no more than a few words to check the boys had been ok. H did ask if I had enjoyed my w/e and I told him I had very much.
I feel very different after last w/e as if it has made a big difference in our rel. but he seems to have seen it as just a blip and be continuing as normal in his attitude and expectations of me.

I feel that I am no longer sure if wanting to wait out this situation with so little hope but as if i want to bring closure to allow me move forward- possibly into a new rel. I think loneliness has a big part to play, these w/e bring me in contact with like minded people and its hard to go back to house even though the children are there.
Jante