I am a WS and trying to rebuild my M for the past 18 months. I am not yet sure that this will come about as my BS is undergoing intense pain, sorrow and anguish.
For the past fortnight or so, we are having more communications then we had for the past more than a year. I am trying to induce my BS to visit the MB site and learn more about what we both are undergoing.
To remind the visitors of this Discussion Board, in my M of 27 years, I had two EMSs ( 1981&1989). The DDay was in 3/01. It has shattered my BS and I am very much repentant for the pain I have caused her due to my irresponsible acts. I am willing to go any length to ease her pain.
Recently, my wife has mentioned to me a number of times that she too would like to engage in EMR in order to avenge my irresponsible acts.
This morning she mentioned names of some of my friends, who are having on going A for the past 15 years and still living with their wives. She felt, such WSs are much better than me as they have placed their A in open and not cheating their BSs.
I would like opinions of experienced MBers, on the following points:-
1. Is the threat of avenge in form of EMR, a normal reaction from BSs? And if by engaging in such act will bring peace to BS?

2. Does having open a with OW and remaining in unhappy M is better than some EMRs?

I am trying to convince my wife to reconcile, only if she can. Answers to these questions will be of help.

1a. It's not uncommon. However the actually betraying is. It is a thought that travels through most every BS minds at one point or the other. It's a matter of really wanting to "pay you back", plus it's also about wanting/needing you to fully understand what the BS feels. Unless you've been there, you can't. You can empathize as much as possible, but you'll never be able to understand the depth of pain, disbelief, heartache that betrayal gives us.

1b. It's doubtful that it would bring any peace to the BS. If after 27 years, she's been faithful...it has been a choice. I'm sure she's had many chances to betray...she choose not to do so. Revenge affairs do happen, but they have even less chance of a "happy ending" then ones that are done for purely selfish motives. jmho My guess is that the resulting guilt of betraying her own values would only increase her suffering, not bring her peace.

2. I guess that's an individual choice. I doubt that your W would have wanted you to have an open affair or any other type. What I believe she is saying that she would have wanted a choice. By having an affair with all the secrets and the lies, she had no control over what was happening in her life. It's not the open affair she wanted...it was the option of staying in a marriage while a betrayal was on-going...or getting the "h*ll out of Dodge". You denied this to her. You "left" the marriage without informing her of your departure.

just my $0.02 worth