My WW currently cannot make up her mind who she wants to be with, me or OM. I am on Plan A and negotiating a recovery (yet again). Every attempt (4 so far) has been broken to the point that we can discuss that she has been seeing him. It is now 8 weeks since D-Day.

She does network marketing and attends weekly seminars with OM. She argues that the relationship is 'business' and that she can't do anything in the weekly seminars anyway. She doesn't want to give up the network marketing. I argue that by attending she can't avoid him (even sits with him because they are in the same team). If she could control herself then this may not be such a problem but she has shown no control whatsoever todate. The seminars are fun for her and she dresses her best. She will not let me get involved either (says the tension would be unbearable). I said I am the one who has to bear most of the strain anyway and I was willing to make that sacrafice.

I feel that this issue alone may cause us to separate and would come back at the end of Plan B. Is it wise for me to take the hard line and say that she must give up this network marketing as a condition of reconcilliation?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She will not let me get involved either (says the tension would be unbearable). I said I am the one who has to bear most of the strain anyway and I was willing to make that sacrafice.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does she beleive that you will lose control and pick a fight with OM? If this is the case, is she right?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is it wise for me to take the hard line and say that she must give up this network marketing as a condition of reconcilliation? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No it's not wise because if you take the hard line you will be using the love buster called a selfish demmand and it will probably just blow up in your face. The more you pressure, the more she'll resist.

A condition of reconciliation is for both of you to have a plan of marital recovery that includes no contact and counseling with a MB oriented professional.

You might want to read Five Things You Can Start Doing Right Away To Turn The Tide In Your Favor...

Good luck and God bless.

I agree with too much coffee man, deep blue...

Do not LB right now... she is seeing him as constantly kind and wonderful right now.. and as you say surely dressing to impress him at these seminars...

I am in a female sorta kinda networky mkting thing, but called dual marketing... so I know what you are talking about...

Usually the type of things that have men, are husband wife oriented, even my more female organization welcomes spouse participation (mk).

I am so sorry she is doing this? How old is she? Oh your name scares me a bit when I think of the movie??? Is that the one with Michelle Peifer, maybe I am mistaken?

Be careful- and no lb's for now.. be loving and show her in every way how much you care for her... you are lucky she is still at home.

Encourage counseling, and with the harley's if you can... They really do go off the deep end, and I think part of it, is feeling like there is something missing or that they are being mistreated... Well there is always room for improvement in a marriage, and ws just get plain selfish and don't even see what they are doing wrong, only what we are doing wrong.

Be the bigger person as long as you can, pla n a... and it will save your marriage. I have been sep. a whole yr. and more now, and there is hope for me.

I pray you do not have to go throguh the pain of seperation.

Hugs, HONEY

TMCM

No I won't beat him up (I have had plenty of chances already). Although siting near him may be different - especially if they are still having the PA and I know it.

She cannot have this network marketing without contact with him - they are in the same team. Is the difference just in the words that I use and my approach (with the outcome being the same)?

Honey

I didn't get the name from the movie - it is simply how I feel <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I started Plan A 4 weeks before D-Day (it was automatic when I sensed a serious problem and before I knew what Plan A was). More and more I think she sees me as an incredibly kind and caring person because I have tried everything and haven't lost my patience, haven't blamed her and haven't been angry. This makes her feel upset but only when the fog lifts. I am slowly losing patience though. This has been 3 months on Plan A and longer in suspiscion of the PA.

She has actually moved out - she half moved out and half stays over. She still tries to see him on days that we 'have a break' (as she puts it). Where not completely separated but I am beginning to think that it will be the only way for her to get over him (if at all). It is very hard for me to judge whether to cut her off yet.

I don't think I can get councilling from the Harleys because I am not in the US.

DeepBlue- I would reccomend reading the site, and everything you can on plan a and no love busters.. sounds like you are doinng well.. they act nuts when in this thing... Don't try to to insist she do anything... Tell her, OK honey, have your space.... blah blah... I know it makes you sick to do this... and ask for counseling...

The Harleys are expensive, but worth it, for they will try to save your M with an a going on.. but other counselors.. well, you just can't tell.

Some told me to D him and give up... as for plan b.. .One told me to tell him that I am here ready to work on the relationship and when he is ready to let me know... and to leave him alone...

You can't change another person... you can't make her stop... and truthfully any attempts to beg, or convince her to do things not in her own plans won't work.

But treating her great will.

No kids? I am guessing or maybe you would of spoken of them.

I know for sure people in other countries have counseled with the Harley's , ck out the counseling page.. on this site.. but do get the books.. if you can.

Surviving an affair, and love busters... and his needs, her needs.. do the questionnairs on this site.. and maybe your wife would be willing to figure out what each others needs are.. that helps a lot... My h did that!

Anyway, gotta go!

Hope today goes well.

Hugs, HONEY

Honey

You are right, we don't have kids. I am only 30. friends tell me to cut her loose and see if she comes back (ie Plan B). She has to feel like she is losing something because of her behaviour. They also tell me I am still young and have plenty of time to find somebody else...I am beginning to wonder if it is worth going through the comprimises and pain of reconcilliation with her. We have been together 6 years and married less than 1 year (our first anniversary comes up next month and it looks like I may be spending it alone).

I have bought and read two books - Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. I have been trying to meet her needs as much as she would let me. She has been meeting almost none of mine for ~5 months. I have displayed very few LBs. WW also completed the needs questionaire but the results were predictable for a female.

We have recently moved to a different city so here we have no family and fewer friends here and we don't have kids. She does not require my financial support either. Therefore I do not have very much leverage to bring her back. The only thing is friends don't really know yet, she can quite easily hide it from her parents for a long time because they are overseas. It depends on her relationship with OM failing I think before she would come back and I am having doubts whether she would agree to the recovery plan.