My wife and I have been seperated for 7 weeks. There is no affair. At our last counseling session we agreed with the councelor on a time for her to come home. The date was set for Nov. 18th. We both agreed to only speek to each other once a day until the 18th. We also agreed to no negative conversation in between this time. Well this past saturday night we had a big LB. I asked to take her out on a date saturday night which she declined. This did upset me but at the time I did not let her know this. In my infinate wisdom I decided to go drinking by myself. I am not a drinker and only on certain occasions do I ever drink. I was at a local bar putting the beers down. At a certain point I begn to think about my wife. So I left the bar and headed home. Once at home I called her. I just broke the agreement on only talking once a day. When I called I got no answer. I knew she was just not picking up her phone.So I called back twice more and she answered. I could tell right off the bat she was mad. I asked if I could see her and she said no then hung up. I was very upset. Approximately 2 hours later she called me 3 times in a row. I answered the phone on the 4th call. For about the next hour we would do nothing but argue. If I was not drunk this would never had happened. The next morning I called my wife and told her I was sorry and wrong. She told me not to worry about it. the problem is I do worry. I had asked her while we were arguing the night before if she had changed her mind on coming home on the 18th. She told me she didnt know. I am very afraid she will not come home on the 18th. I regret what I did saturday night. I will not drink anymore. My question is what do I do now? I have to avoid LBs. Any suggestions. Was this enough for my wife to decide not to come home on the 18th? I just dont know what to do now. Do I sit and wait? Thanks.

a couple of observations:
- drinking doesnt make the situation better - just worse!
- I dont really follow the "strategy" of your MC. dont know how the concept of "only 1 call a day" will help here. Make yourself smart on this site - you'll discover that the advice given here is pragmatic, actionable, simple ... and that it actually works! in contrast to some "experiments" a local quack might advise you to do.
- allow me to be mildly suspicious with regard to no third party being involved and that your wife only to be furious because you rang the second time... but maybe it's me getting paranoid here. but: experience shows: assume the worst!

can you share a bit more about you & your situation?

My wife and I started having problems when I would not meet her needs. She wanted me to be more affectionate and loving. She brought this problem up many times with me but I would not listen to her. At the same time my wife lost her job of 8 years as a supervisor. She said she couldnt take it anymore and left. In this time we dated each week. When we were together it was great. The sex was great, holding hands, hugging , kissing, everything was great. She would tell me thats all she ever wanted. She would tell me that being away from me was bringing back that deep love she had for me. She told me when we didnt talk for a couple of days she would miss me very much and when we got together she felt wonderful. Each time we got together though I would end up getting upset because she wasnt home. The longer this went on the more I would get upset. We then decided to go to counseling. The counselor asked my wife what it was she was needing. She told the counselor I constantly call and bug her. I used to call her about 4 times a day. And almost always we would end up arguing. She told him that she just needed some time. He asked her how much time and she said just one more week. So I agreed to it. She told the counselor she did not want me constantly bugging her. So the wife and I agreed to one call a day. I was always a very cold hearted person. I would not even try to change. I really dont think there is a thirdparty involved. My wife has told me that sometimes she is afraid to come back home and after a couple of weeks I will go back to my old ways. She said she want to be sure that I have changed and that things will be different. I may be wrong about a third party but I dont feel as if there is someone else. What do you think?

Actually, I agree with you, it doesn't sound as if their is a third party involved. Which makes me wonder why you picked this board, but will admit it likely has the most action on it and you'll receive the most advice.

Are you and your W in counseling to learn how to communicate better? It sounds as if this is the major issue in your marriage. You may hear your W, but you don't listen. The same may be said of her.

These arguements MUST stop. There is no reason to argue instead of discuss. Yes, you're upset that she's out of the house, but by arguing this will only increase the time that she wants to be in a more stress-free environment.

You must make the environment at home SAFE. As she must make it a safe environment for you. You must LISTEN not only with your head, but with your heart. You both must find ways of communicating without fighting. This may have become a habit, has it?

Yes, sadly this drunken conversation may well lead her to moving the date of returning home. Not a thing you can do about this at this point. You did tell her that you were sorry, but sorry only goes so far.

You MUST not drink if by doing so you lose control of yourself. (Something I too had to stop doing completely for many months, as it would send me into all negative thoughts.)

You and your W have a good chance of reclaiming your marriage. Continue with your counselor and do the hard work that is needed to make real changes which will last.

Good Luck!

<small>[ November 11, 2002, 11:14 AM: Message edited by: just a wifey 2002 ]</small>

Wifey,
The wife and I have both discussed why is it that we argue. Sometimes we argue and dont even know why. We have both agreed that we take each other the wrong way a lot of the times. There is a big communication problem with us. The counselor told us only positive conversation. If the conversation starts to turn negative then end the conversation. I know I screwed up the other night. I wish it never happened. If it didnt happen I truly believed she would of been home on the 18th. The counselor told us that it sounds like communication is our #1 problem. It has become somewhat of a habbit. We never intend on arguing. It just seems to happen. Im not for sure how to begin to change this. Somehow I will try my best to avoid arguing. We go to counseling again Thursday. We have decided not to talk to each other until then. Thats hard to do but at least we wont be arguing. Maybe we will get more insight from the counselor on how to communicate better. If you have anymore suggestions wifey please comment.

LOL...I'm not the best one to advise on how to communciate...it's something H and I are also having to learn but in our case, we had to learn also to argue. Something we almost never did prior to his affair. (Did a lot of very non-productive arguing then.)

Arguing can be a productive form of communication, but it must have rules and limits and it's a good idea to have a basic rule that either can stop the arguement at any time for a cooling off period, with a definite time to redress the issues, often this allows an arguement to stop being an arguement and become a discussion instead.

We took to writing to each other...a LOT. This way, we got to think about what it was we wanted to say, we could delete, rewrite, and rewrite again, until we re-created our thoughts in a positive manner. Most led to face to face discussions, but it did help us get our thoughts together, time to reflect on what we wanted to say, and it also allowed the other a chance to re-read if needed so that they could listen to what was actually said, instead of hearing through pain or anger and miss-hearing, which it's surprising how often we all do NOT hear what was actually said, or we say things that don't come out the way we meant.

Hope this helps.