Hi everyone,

I need some help and I need it fast.

Here's the situation: I sent my WW a very nice, heartfelt email over the weekend while she was gone. She is scheduled to move out today. I did ask her if I could keep our cat, as I am lonely and would like her to stay. Please note, we have had NO quarrels about anything else in the house, and I have told her she can have what is hers.

Now, I know I shouldn't have done this, but my snooping got the best of me. I checked her email today. She is LYING to OM about me. She sent him a mail telling him I am being "a real [censored] today" (the email I sent her was so nice, you have no idea, just telling her I still have faith in us but she can make her own choices). And she tells him I told her she can't have her cat (I just asked to keep the cat, we haven't even discussed it yet).

Now, she is blatantly LYING to the OM about how I am treating her. Why is she doing this? I am Plan Aing all the way, being incredibly nice, trying not to LB, and she is already lying to this guy, telling him I am a jerk. Why? To make him feel better about her being with him? He even threatens me indirectly in the mail back to her, saying he'd have "people" come get the cat if I refused to give it up.

Now, this may be working up to a major LB -- But how can I handle this? I am having trouble just ignoring this. Should I sent the note I sent her to him? I have his e-mail address. Let him know that I wasn't being a jerk and that she is making me out to be a monster for some reason? Should I at least send a note to her telling her I know what she said? I know that my snooping and saying something would be LB.

She tells him she can't wait to get all her stuff and get out. I was going to help her pack and move tonight. I'm sure if I say nothing, she'll come home and be all nice and act like nothing is going on. But I feel like I need to say something about this.

What do I do? Please advise! Help me!

ALS

Dear Als,

As far as your W is concerned, right now you can do no good. That is not true but that is her current perception and you must face the fact that in order for the A to thrive you must be the scapegoat bad guy. The worse she paints you the worse the A will be. As much as she thinks she needs to do this the worse it will be for her in the end.

So what should you do? Do what is true and right. You know you didn't do anything wrong. If the OM wants to act on her 'supposed' truths, let him and then you be prepared and take whatever action necessary if it comes to that. Just do NOT step outside the law. They may try to take the cat, know this and if it happens let them but let them hang their actions,. make them take the steps to get them in trouble with the law (if it includes stuff like breaking and entering). You may want to change the locks in your home after she moves out. Sounds tough but you are not dealing with your best friend, instead you are dealing with your worst enemy and need to be cautious.

This enemy in her present state could strip you of everything you hold dear, emotionally, materially, financially and mentally. So be careful. That is why many of us have to go to plan B. It is so that our love is protected. Not to hurt the WS but to protect the BS from further hurt.

Please read up on those concepts, read surviving and affair and get with your MC ASAP. You need support now more than ever. Also, you will find that your personal support group right around you will not see things the WS way. So know that you are NOT insane.

take care,
L.

So you're saying I shouldn't say a thing when she comes to get her stuff tonight, be nice, let her take the cat, and not let the OM know that she is lying? I guess this is the wrong way to think, but I figured I could send the OM an email letting him know what the truth was, so he could see I still had love for my wife and was not this hateful jerk trying to ruin her life.

Or do you think he just wouldn't believe me? At least maybe that would cast some doubt on things for them. Or maybe not. It could go either way I guess. At this point I guess I wonder what I have to LOSE by sending that note to him or to her.

Anyone else? I am so tempted to email her and the OM now! SO TEMPTED! Any reasons not to, please??? Make me stop or tell me to do it if you think it might help. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ALS

Do NOT email this man! First, you do NOT want to LB your W by letting her know you snooped! Second, if she's lying to him...GREAT it's his turn to hear lies! Third, she is nitpicking, reading only what she wants to read into things...tonight when she shows up and you very willingly give her the cat...it will make an impression. Say NOTHING! Continue with the course you've laid out on Plan A. While still doing a modified Plan B once she is out of the house...letting her contact you.

YOU be the good guy. You be the one who doesn't cause problems. You be the sweet man you are!

One thing about this, your W is about to find herself in a crash course of reality. It a whole different situation when she's "free" and losing the "air of the forbidden". Most affair partners when faced with reality...find that they would have rather stayed in "la-la land"...it was all fun and excitement...not the reality of the daily grind. jmho

ALS,

No, keep the cat. Let her paint you to the OM any color she wants. Know that and step out of the way. U want the cat, take the cat to go visit a friend or something when she comes back to pack......... she may ravage your home so like a good parent, put the items you don't want destroyed out of the reach of those monsterous hands!!!! 3 years old are great climbers! LOL!!!

Right now you need to remove yourself from her destructive path. I understand the strong desire to call the OM. How well do you really know him? Just like your W being weird in her conduct know that the OM can be that and worse. They are feeding the A by this 'fantasy thinking'. Don't get caught up in it.

Do you have others that can help out and provide you with immediate support? Let your W say that you are keeping the cat. You really should be thinking about the safety of the cat. Ask her where the cat may be living so that you can feel safe. ohh...... that is one way to find out where she will be...... more than likely she will not tell you and you can say that the cat's residence must be where he is safe and you need to be assured that it is. Until then he should stay with you. See now she has to prove to you......want to keep it that way.

ok, I will stop for now. Make sure you get your immediate support lined up......put your posessions that you absolutely don't want her to take (pictures, important papers, the cat, etc). in a safe place.

Right now, don't contact OM....... he is a nut anyway. LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

take care,
L.

Wifey,

Okay, I know you are a seasoned MBer and I am going to try and calm down and say nothing. It's going to be hard but I will try my best.

I just absolutely despise the fact that she is now telling lies about me to other people. Though I guess it wouldn't be easy for OM to hear that I still have feelings for her. That's why I was thinking of that email. Put a little strain on the A. But you say that won't work, huh?

I am going to try, try, try...But right now I so much want to burst the bubble. It would be so easy for me to prove to the OM that she is lying to him about me as a person and my feelings. But you say that still wouldn't do any good huh?

ALS

ALS,

Another thing....... when she accuses you of 'keeping the cat from her.' Don't argue, just agree. 'Yes I do want to keep the cat, for the cat's sake, more than mine.....to make sure he is in a safe place.....don't you want him to be safe?'

Something like that. Now if she proves to you where she will be living with the cat and you can let the cat go, then do so..... it will prevent an LB, but if you are going to be going to plan B out of your need, then it really doesn't matter.

Even if she says....'you know the cat will be safe with me...' You can reply, 'well I used to think that but you are acting so differently now that I am not sure'..... she may reply 'WHAT?!???' just nodd...... she will get angry and then you can say, see? Maybe it is better for both the cat and I NOT to be around such anger. What you have done is caused her to LB on herself. Crazy but true and this technique has been used...

The cat's safety is what you want to present as the deciding factor.

JMHO,
L.

Orchid,

Actually I never met the OM, she works with him. The A is only like a month old or so. I wasn't going to call him, just email him (got his address from her book, have already emailed him early after discovering the A to scold him) and let him know she is lying, and prove it by sending him an exact copy of the NICE email I sent my W this weekend (the one she claimed I was a total jerk in). Still don't do that though?

Unfortunately I can't just take the cat and run, she would then I know I was snooping. I am tempted to take the cat somewhere though. I already know where her new place is, and I suspect she even would have asked me to help move her things to the new place tonight.

She knows about this site, who knows, she may be reading all my posts and know all this stuff anyway! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

So I'm still up in the air. Ugh. Right now her justification is going to be that she PAID for the cat. So it should be hers. That's fair in a way, I guess. Of course I paid for its litterbox and other stuff too, are we going to get that particular with it?

Still a bit puzzled...

ALS

You can NOT control what your W says or does. Trying to do so, will only bring the focus that you are a controlling _____(fill in the blank)!

Say you sent that email...what will be his reaction? He's going to think that you're stalking her, that you're invading her privacy, that you've likely changed the wording in the copy of the email you forward, etc. You're going to be giving him the proof that he needs to "save" your W from you. He's not going to see it as anything more then a tool for getting your own way. You'll be turning yourself into the "common enemy". You want NO contact with this man. HE has NOTHING to do with YOU. Keep your focus on your W.

No, she's not about to say anything positive about you to this man and any attempts of defending yourself will fall on deaf ears. He THINKS he knows what is going on...but he doesn't. He thinks you're terrible...but your W KNOWS you're not. She is NOT going to tell him this, if she did, she'd have to admit that she's being the terrible one. Something she isn't about to admit at this point. BUT...she KNOWS who is acting like an ------ and who is not.

You can NOT prove anything by telling OM anything. Except...that's she's right. He's not open to listening to the truth. He believes what he wants to believe and right now, it means that he's buying everything she is selling.

Both of them will discover that they've bought false goods. And the fastest way for that to happen is on their own.

Remember, reality has teeth...and it does bite you in the @$$ when you've been living in "la-la land".

ALS - you've gotten good advice from the ladies - please heed it.

OF COURSE she's lying about you. You are public enemy number one. You are a scum bag. You are the source of everything that's wrong in her life!

Don't believe it for a minute. In fact, it seems the more outlandish the WS's lies about the BS, the more desperate they are to convince themselves what they're doing is OK. So, from that standpoint, relish the fact that she has to make up this crap because it means the truth doesn't justify her actions.

My WS convinced OM that I hid money that could have been used for my son's medical treatment.

Plan A, Plan A, Plan A. Assume that she's distorted everything to OM and has completely rewritten your marital history. Don't attempt to spill the beans to OM. Sit back and watch her sink lower and lower. There's nothing you can do to stop it and anything you try will very likely make it worse.

Culprits abound in affairs, except in the mirror.

Her cat! If she is willing to leave it fine. But if not...it's hers!

Thanks for stopping me from making a mistake. I guess I will just put up with it all.

The only problem with me knowing all of this is that it's major LB for me, knowing all she is saying to him and all the lies she's telling. At this point, I am wondering again if I'd ever be able to take her back. But even if that were the case, I guess it's best to go out knowing I was the better man, and not as someone who had to stoop to a low level by causing more trouble for her.

But that part of me that wants to defend my honor is really tough to ignore, too. I will take your advice, and be the better person that I know I am.

ALS, DON't e-mail OM!!! Two reasons - first, you will tip them off that you are able to see her e-mails which will cause her to change e-mail addresses and you will no longer be able to see them. This was a BIG mistake I made because each time I would discover something, I would confront FWH (at least I think the F belongs there) which caused him to change passwords, e-mail accounts, etc., and I lost the ability to monitor what was going on.

Secondly, he will read the words you sent and they won't make a hoot of a difference....When my FWH was in the throws of his A, he told OW that I was an unfit mother - one example of what he told her is that our then 8 month old son fell off the bed and was unresponsive and had to be rushed to the ER because I left him alone to fend for himself...NOT ON YOUR LIFE!!! NEVER HAPPENED!!!! In fact, everyone who knows us will tell you I am anything but an unfit mother! He also told her all kinds of lies about my appearance, my job, who pays what bills, why he kept coming home to me instead of leaving and going to England to be with her, etc. Even after I told her and FWH confirmed that all of these things were lies, she STILL wants/wanted to be with him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Keep it to yourself!

Also, unless you are totally, unequivocally devoted to Cat, you could make huge love deposits by sending her an e-mail telling her you know how much she loves Cat and you don't want her to be lonely, so you will gladly pass custody of Cat to her. Then, go the pound and adopt a new little kitten to take Cat's place until WW comes home ~ when she does Cat will have a pal.

Brit's Brat/BS-41
FWH-43
DS-1 year old
Status: One Day At A Time

Well I really cn not give you much advice as I am going through the same thing. My WW moved out on D day and is living with OM. I know she tells him how bad I am and that she is never going to come back to me. She is saying this to keep him from getting mad or leaving her. My wife still loves me but she wouldn't dare tell OM that. Everytime I see my wife she givs me a hug and a kiss and acts like she wants to be with me. Then OM comes around and I'm all evil again. The fog around her keeps her from making any rational decisions. For now all I can do is show I can be a good husband and fulfill her needs. Forget about all the bad things because she is only saying them to keep the OM around.

ALS:

"(got his address from her book, have already emailed him early after discovering the A to scold him) and let him know she is lying, and prove it by sending him an exact copy of the NICE email I sent my W this weekend (the one she claimed I was a total jerk in). Still don't do that though?"

See? What good did it do 2 "scold him" a month ago? It will do no good, and quite possibly harm 2 your cause if you say ANYTHING 2 him now. Remember, your goal is NO CONTACT with OM, preferably from your W, but starting with yourself as a means of "setting the example." Take any "power" from him that you can, and that includes the "impression" that he exists at all by communciating with him yourself! ;o)

"Unfortunately I can't just take the cat and run, she would then I know I was snooping. I am tempted to take the cat somewhere though. I already know where her new place is, and I suspect she even would have asked me to help move her things to the new place tonight."

If it were me, I'd look good by helping her move!!! That could send the message 2 the OM that you "wanted" 2, without communicating with him at all (assuming he's not there, if he is, DON'T GO). Don't reveal your snooping at this point at least. You may need 2 do it again (but be forewarned, snooping WILL make you CRAZY).

"She knows about this site, who knows, she may be reading all my posts and know all this stuff anyway!"

You might consider changing your username if you're worried about this. Honesty will be the policy here (at least from me) and if she DOES lurk here, she's going 2 be in for a frank ride. It might do good, but it might not. Your call.

"So I'm still up in the air. Ugh. Right now her justification is going to be that she PAID for the cat. So it should be hers. That's fair in a way, I guess. Of course I paid for its litterbox and other stuff too, are we going to get that particular with it? "

We have 3 cats. If we split up, I would let whoever felt most attached 2 them keep them. What's the sitch in your M? It just seems 2 me that this cat thing is being blown out of proportion. Unless you really ARE concerned that it won't be "safe" with her.

-2long
P.S. "Is your cat's urinary tract important 2 you?" -don't laugh, that was a TV commercial opening line a while ago!!! Made me sick every time it came on...

AlostSoul ~

Dittos on everyone else's comments about not contacting OM. Trust me, it will only hurt you.

The fact that she has to lie to him about you means that she has to lie to the OM about herself. She obviously doesn't want him to know that she is betraying and abandoning a good, decent man who loves her. Think about it.

And of course, intimacy, as we all have learned here at MB is built on radical honesty - knowing each other really and truely, the good parts and the warts. She's hiding her warts...big huge ugly ole selfish warts...so already her relationship with OM is built on a lie about herself.

Now you can see why affairs don't last <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As for the cat...let her have the cat.

There are LOTS of wonderful kitties in shelters who desperately need someone to love them. Why not rescue a new friend to get you thru this?

Bramble & others,

Thank you for your words of encouragement. It's reponses like these that make this site my new obesssion. Whenever I feel down, I come here and read such uplifting things. It makes me feel a lot better. This site is truly wonderful.

I think what is hurting me the most today is what my W has become. Granted our M has been short, and I've known her only 3 years, still, I gave her my whole heart. I wish I could stop reading her mail, and I am working on that, but it's tough. It also is sort of a window into how my Plan A was going (not well at all, from what I can see).

She is saying such horrible things to OM about me, and I truly am the proverbial nice guy. My only mistake was that I did not do well with her conversation EN, and was not a good listener, but that was just something that dwindled over the past few months, and I realize that now, but for that I don't think I deserve nearly what she's saying, especially since she shut me out.

She's telling OM things like I am a horrible person, and that she is going to have to FIGHT to get her things from the house today (I always planned to help her move). She is not telling him at ALL about my efforts to save the M, or all the loving messages I have written her and things I've said. She leaves all that out.

Worse yet, she is continually pressuring OM into the relationship (she was the pursuer to start) and today, told him she'd still have sex with him even if he didn't want a serious relationship. She's giving him a spare key to her new place. Keep in mind their EA started like a month ago, and PA just went full blown like this past weekend. Unreal. Who has my W become, or is this the real her? Reading stuff like that just makes me wonder if I'd ever be able to take her back, or if I'd be a fool to even try if she wanted to reconcile.

But thank you for your comments. I can at least be secure in the fact that she is also lying to OM a lot about things as well, and she is already starting her new relationship based on lies. Deep down somewhere, she has to know the truth, and how much I love her. Either she is just ignoring that or she is somehow convincing herself that I truly am a bad person to somehow make what she's doing justifiable.

Sometimes, I feel like I am a weak person for trying and not just moving on. I also feel so used, as I'm one of those guys that has been "the nice guy" his entire life. I just can't believe that my W is capable of doing this to me. It truly is a hard day. Worst yet, I need to spend a good part of tonight with her, helping her pack and move out, feeling the way I feel right now.

I will not LB, I will let her have the cat and her things, and will help her pack. After reading all that she is saying to OM though, today I can't help but wonder that it won't matter how good a Plan A/B I do, she just doesn't want me back. And I wonder if I could ever take her back after knowing what she's capable of.

Rough day.

ALS

SH said...do NOT believe what the WS is saying. She's living in a fantasy world at the moment, and has no thought to the real world she's living in.

One of the major drawbacks of your snooping is that it is clouding your judgement. You're seeing what she is saying to him, you're hearing what she is saying to you...and they don't mesh. And it only adds to your pain and confusion.

She's lying to everyone...herself most of all. Until she learns that she's hurting herself...she'll continue on the path she has choosen. (She knows she's hurting you, but doesn't have a clue as to how much she is destroying herself.)

When she does realize what she's done, and somewhere she already knows, but won't admit...make sure that she has a way of retreating from her postion without a complete loss of face. Hard to do. But her pride is going to be involved...as is yours.

You may find that by the time she does realize what she's done and if she wants to try to rebuild...that's it's too late for you. If this happens, it happens. This will NOT be your fault.

Good Luck tonight...and no mention of any emails or knowledge from snooping.

Chin up ALS - her e-mail messages to OM are designed to make him feel sorry for her and want to be with her to make her feel better (you, yourself, said that she was the one pressuring him into the A) not because you are doing a bad Plan A. My FWH and OW would laugh at my Plan A efforts ~ especially my efforts to be more physically attractive to FWH. I had just had a baby 8 months prior and was down below my pre- baby weight. I am 5'6" tall and was/am wearing a size 4. At 41, I am able to still wear styles that the "young-uns" wear.

There is a very good possibility that your wife is telling OM these lies so that he will think she is committed to leaving you for him when, in actuality, she may very well be waivering.

BB

Oh, what was that about "sex even if not in a serious relationship"? Sounds like this OM is already back peddling. Maybe he isn't nearly as interested in dealing with all her little issues if she's no longer forbidden fruit as you've been lead to believe. jmho