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<small>[ November 13, 2002, 11:45 AM: Message edited by: justexhausted ]</small>

You know...marriage counseling isn't only for people in a marriage. Get some couple counseling. There seems to be a lot of old issues that still need to be resolved and put to bed. Try it...it works.

JE,

Please get ahold of the book: His needs/her needs. You may find some helpful info. Also call Steve or Jennifer. I am sure they can help.

take care,
L.

Justex,

There is a lot of good in you being able to look at yourself, see what and where you were wrong and owning up to it...lots of us act selfishly and cruel,...some for a really long time...but we can always change...and stop...

Take credit from yourself, validate what you have accomplished from within...because the change benefits you the most in the end....
Learn from past mistakes....

Your boyfriend played a role for a long time in response to your negative behavior...he got to be the one that was rational and kind...perhaps at time you really wounded him...perhaps he got to be the victim....giving up the "known" is difficult for all of us... think about what he perhaps gained from your negative behaviors ..some times we cling even to things we don't like...

People can and do change all the time...and it serves your boyfriend and you both well to realize this...people grow and hopefully become better people...If I believed that people couldn't change then I would hang my hat up and go live in a cave...mostly to protect others from me...for always there are things in my interactions with people that I would like to change...and hopefully continue to work on...

I see a red flag in you boyfriends need to

"He always said that he wants to feel I love him more than I did anyone in my life; and that I would do more for him. Through my past actions, and stupid, thoughtless comments I have made about previous BF and such, he is CONVINCED that I don't."

Our love can not be plugged into a meter and rated...His quest and need in this realm is unrealistic..and only sets up failure...
Surely any digression, arguement, or dissapointment you cause him...will clearly be the "proof" he needs that you don't love him "MORE"...
And surely since there is no government inspected exact weight and measure number to how much we love...he will fail in this quest because he can always doubt and may never satisfied....

SOOO...I have laid quite bit on the table and here is what I would do..
.
Get the book Orchid recomends...

End all power struggles over past digressions you can not change the past...and when push comes to shove we will often try to rationalize even our bad behavior...which then feeds the "see you haven't changed" monster...

Get it clear in your head that people can change...and that you have...and keep proving it...this is especially important in times of conflict...because it here that it is easy to revert back to old patterns...

Be very wary of hurting him with attacks name calling..disrespect...they hurt him they hurt you and he will use them against you to prove his point that you haven't changed....avoid LB's...do small little things that show you care..but don't smother...

Read up here about Plan A..it is all about finding strength and becoming the person YOU want to be...while learning to steer all interactions with those in our lives with dignity...

Go into plan A after you have read and understood it...I am not clear if you two are living together...

Consider counseling...
and know that before you ever marry this guy that you need to address his quest for you loving him "MORE"...via counciling...and work out where that needs stems from...and finding a way for him to understand that no human on this earth can live up to a nebulous standard...the love meter just doesn't exist....

hope you glean some help here...
keep posting and lurking..
ARK...

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<small>[ November 13, 2002, 11:46 AM: Message edited by: justexhausted ]</small>

Justex,

I am glad you are not living together...

Couple of things...
Plan A is never about being destructive to you...if you feel destructed by it..look at what actions you are doing that sell yourself short...

In all honestly in plan A one doesn't call the other person up and
"tell him that his coldness and distance is devastating to me and that I need to feel he is close to me and that our rel is OK to even make it through the day."...

The goal of a good relationship/marriage is first believing enough in yourself that your self-worth and feeling loved is not all externalized...but internalized, that you are striving in you to feel your own self worth..not relying on others to feel good.....and finding the strenth to be loved as you choose to and deserve to be...and THEN share those good qualities with another person...

Look very close at patterns that exist in your relationship...the ones that take you down the same old path of rehashing this...and arguing about that...and stop playing the same role over and over again that just keeps cycling between you two....

Be careful of nebulous demands you place and look to negotiate specific things he can do...and explore what specific things he needs you to do...to both feel loved and negotiate what you can do....

I too believe that if someone places unrealistic demands of never being good enough for someone then that is that persons problem...and you need to detach completely from that aspect...and come up with some mantra of...We should all love to the best of our ability and at some point that is all we can ask of anyone or ourselves...That is a RED flag for sure....

You show great insight into the more needy you are the kinder he is...do not play into that role any longer...to the best of your ability...it is as much a pattern with you as it his him...so quit doing your role...

Is someone so invovled with work a good match for you...it is OK for him to be driven...and it is OK for you to decide if that is a trait you admire ...does he see his working so much as a temporary thing...or is that his life plan...and can you live with that plan...

Search for posts on Plan A there are some really good ones...someone posted to Honey not so long ago Plan A guide lines....do a search..print them out if it helps...others may know the links readily and hopefully will offer them up....

A good Plan A ends when a person feels they have done all they can to change that of which they did not like in themselves...the end of real plan A has a lot of detachment and the person feels strong enough in their convictions of what they will no longer tolerate in other...it is only you that can decide that...

ARK