Yesterday I posted about my WH who hadn't made up his mind about our marriage. Well, I guess he has now.
Last nite he told me he wants out. Doesn't see how it can work and wants it to be over. I said ok. I love you, but I understand how you feel. What are your plans.

He's waiting to hear from his lawyer on what child support would be and how long a D would take. (We're pregnant with our first and due May 15).
He is thinking we would file in January, maybe put the house up for sale in the spring. Would like us to remain friends and try to work this out between ourselves so it's not too expensive.

Still wants to be there for me and the baby if we can get along living together. (we can't afford a second place right now). He wants to be a part of bringing this baby into the world.

I'm so torn right now....Is this still fog talk?
I saw an email after we talked that he sent to OW to say that he was cautiously optimistic...that it went well, but he thinks that I believe over time I can overcome his wishes. Of course there was the usual I love you, forever yours, can't wait to see you, etc. in his email to her. He did tell her he was surprised that it went so well.
He tells me they don't have plans together immediately...that his job is here now and she is 7 hours away and so they don't know what will happen or when they will be together.

I just don't know if this is still fog talk or if I need to accept that it is over. Part of me thinks that since we'll be together for at least 6 months yet that I can still plan A and that I have a chance. I need to be less needy and less desperate though which is really hard.
Another part says I should move in with some of my family and try to get on with my life.

I guess the big thing is right now, after all this and hearing him say he wants out, I still want him....

any thoughts...

Obviously you have contact to their emails..
does he know this?
Does she know you are pregnant...

Some posts cut at your heart..and this is one of them....
Not even sure how objective I can be as in my "mother bear" instincts would like to come to your house and whack your husband in the head with a frying pan...and wouldn't mind a road trip over to the OWs with a truck load of manure....

Ok got that off my chest...dont' feel better yet...

All right..first things first...while this emotional rollarcoaster will take it's toll on even the healthiest of people you must tread carefully to protect you and the baby...

FIRST... tell your OB/GYN about husbands affair so that they are clear of the added stress you are under....and congratulations on sweet baby...

SECOND...exposing the affair...would seriously consider telling OW you are pregnant if she does not already know...if she does...then I will call for the manure truck...

THIRD....Decide if reading the emails causes more pain..consider stop reading them and focus on you....It is extremely disrepectful of WS...extremely...

Fourth get into counseling and a support group...you are going to have to walk a razors edge...in that you definately need the support of friends and family...but that support can alienate and stimy recovery with husband...as he will blame others of "judging" his behavior....
but you need a safe place to vent and unload for your own health....

Attempt PLAN A for you and I mean YOU!!! avoid conflict, power struggling, all for your own health...detach as much as you can...reach in you for strength...survival mode with a smile...
YOU will be OK....

I would take a week off from him completely...to strengthen yourself...to really reflect what you want...what is the healthiest emotional environment for you...I am not suggesting you leave...and suggesting you lay low for a week and protect yourself from all his fog talk...and think think think what YOU really want...

I am so sorry for this....so sorry...
serenity to you
ARK

I concur with everything ARK said, except I would substitute a horse whip for the frying pan and load of manure.....Take care of yourself and know that many prayers are with you!

Thank you both for your support.
No, he doesn't know that I have seen some of their emails....I figure it's a way to keep me in the loop of things.
And yes, she knows that I am pregnant...in one email she must have said she felt she was taking him away from his pregnant wife and he said no, he is the one making this choice.

I know it is horrible...I guess maybe that's why I hope this is still fog talk, because how can he really be doing this.

Ark gave you great advice. Follow it.

Could this still be "fog" talk? Maybe. It's hard to know what's really going on in the mind of a person who is having more of an EA then a PA. The affair partners in a long-distance relationship aren't dealing with the same issues that would be involved if they were closer.

It's MUCH easier to just swim along getting all those EN met over the internet without having to deal with the everyday stuff that comes up in real life...they don't discuss the grind, just the ILY and I miss you stuff, it's a relationship in the mind more so then the body. So it's much harder to combat. They get to avoid the real issues of a relationship and the hardships. And we all know that a real relationship isn't easy...it has it's problems both from outside and inside issues.

Yes, if you both continue in the same home and you continue with doing Plan A, it MAY turn things around. BUT...remember Plan A is about YOU more then it is about him. You are doing what is necessary for YOUR benefit and happiness. If at some point he wishes to "come home" then he will reap these benefits of a better you...but you are NOT doing these for him...but for yourself.

IF...it is too stressful staying, then by all means move in with your family (that too will have it's own stress). The first thing you must do is take care of you and that soon-to-be new little one. Everything else must come second.

Everyone has given you excellent advice! IMHO, it's time to take the A 'public'. You need all the help and support you can get and your WH needs a reality check. So what, if he gets angry! You must place your well-being and that of your baby first! You need support and a caring enviroment, he isn't giving you that...time to look elsewhere, you deserve it!! If your family is able (or your WH's family), it's time to tell them what has happened and what you and the baby need. Tell your friends too, their support can be priceless.

I must admit, after reading your post...the OW is some piece of work. Of course she's taking away your baby's father!!! I doubt he'd be leaving if it weren't for her! Plus, I'll never understand why a woman would want a man who is so cruel that he is capable of walking out on his pregnant W, a man that runs away from responsibility !!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> What kind of logic is that??? Craziness!!!

Hi HMB! Congratulations on the impending arrival of your little one. First, let me tell you that I can TOTALLY relate to where you are at emotionally. My son was 6 months old when I found out about FWH'S A. I think it is good that your WH is living in the house and wants to be there up until and for the arrival of your baby. This will give you ample, ample opportunity to Plan A him. Even more importantly, there is an incredible bond that has the opportunity to develop in the delivery room when your WH is watching all of the effort, pain (although I heartily recommend an epidural - no pain after that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) and love you are showing bringing that little one into the world. It will be the greatest deposit to WH's Love Bank that you can possibly make. A former male colleague of mine once said, "There is nothing that can make you love your wife more than watching her deliver your child." The time between now and next May will also be plenty of time for the A to die a natural death.

Brit's Brat/BS-41
FWH-43
DS-1 year old
Status: One Day At A Time

Thanks again to you all for the support....I do think a plan A is the best thing...for myself and for attempting to save this marriage.
Since OW is so far away, even if I moved out and did plan B, I don't think my H would be experiencing the reality of living w/ OW because of the distance...It would just be easier for him to talk to her all evening without me there.

Some of my close friends and family do know...not about this recent turn that he does want out, but that he had an affair. They definitely are there to support me, but some are so angry with what he did, that they are not happy about me trying to make this work, so this could be interesting.

In any case I know I need to get out with friends and family doing more for me. The thing is I'm not miserable at home...I still like to spend time with him.
But I think I come on as too needy and he is afraid that I'm still holding on to hope that this will work so is wary.

It is so hard to just pretend that I am ok with all this and act neutral. I just want to smuther him with my love so that he decides he wants me, but I know from reading here that that doesn't work.

And I think with him being a part of the baby's development and birth that could help him realize what he would be giving up.

I know a lot of this sounds ridiculous...why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want me and is willing to divorce his pregnant wife....what kind of person is he?
But then why do I love him so much and still want to be with him...I wish I could just turn my feelings off sometimes.

Congratulations on your new baby. My heart really goes out to you. My H and I sep. 2 months after our first child was born. He was/is having an A with a woman he worked with. You have alot of good advice here, but you need (I know how hard it is)to Plan A while creating some distance from H. These emotional ups and downs could cause you and the little one alot of trouble. Another thing you need to remember that while H is still having the A, he probably will change his mind a dozen times about what or who he really wants. Thanks to the fog again. H needs massive reality check. Its too bad he cant see what a creep he is being and what kind of a slime that ow must be. Please remember you are #1, not him!!Take care of you!! Go to counseling yourself, get books on self healing, relationships, and pregnancy. Keep busy, but relaxed. I am praying for all of us.

Needy? Try agreeing with him about just about everything. He says he wants out...say...ok, maybe that's for the best! He says he's unhappy, you say he's been down, but that you hope things will be looking up for him soon. THEN...you do things that make you happy and satisfied. Don't dwell on him. You at the very least, appear to go about being satisfied. Let him see the HAPPY you, again. Get excited about this wonderful new little one you are having. Expand your energy and thought towards this goal. Just maybe, it will be "catching".

You dont sound ridiculous...I just wanted to say something kind to you but I am blinded by the extreme hatred I feel for your husband and the OW and all OW and even my repentant WS. It is so hard to fathom this fog, yet I know it too well. I just wanted to let you know I understand the war of the mind where you hate yourself for loving him because he is doing this to you and you hate him for doing it to you. It is so difficult, so true but not ridiculous. MB has shown me that. There are so many smart and supportive people here. Hang in and take care of yourself.

Because I must say it...what sort of creature could continue a relationship with a man who is married expecting his first child? I say creature because I wouldnt insult animals by characterizing her as one. Although these creatures are rampant in number, my husband had no problem locating one on any given day of the week. She can be the perfect woman...for goodness sake she is hardly in the same time zone...REALITY CHECK...He cant get her out of his mind...PU-LEAS!! The fog, the fantasy and the allure of the OW are like a nicotine addiction...sure you may get a rush but it still is the source of the cancer in your life.

I vent for myself and and for you. The rage I feel is a pain indescribable. But like you I can see the man could be and the marriage we could have...if only...I know where you are. I dont know where you will go but I wish you all the happiness and success in renewing your marriage. Nothing is impossible. And dont feel bad about being able to see what he could be and loving what he could be...it is the only way to keep sane sometimes.

ayslyne

Thanks again for all the support...it helps so much to come here, to a place where others know what you are going through and can relate.

You are all so right about not dwelling on him and focusing on myself. I need to let him see that I can have a life without him and have friends and family to do things with.

I think that since I am agreeing with him that I understand if he wants out, and by not bringing up R talks he thinks I"m trying to be really nice and maybe win him back... I guess maybe he is seeing through me since that is what I am trying to do...but hopefully it will still work. I know I need to get myself emotionally separated though, so I am ready if he does go through with this.

I am thinking about talking to him tonite and asking him if we can wait until after the baby is born to deal with this....I just don't know if I can take this dividing of property, selling the house, etc. while being pregnant.

I want to ask him if we can just try and be happy until the baby comes, so that we both have happy memories of the pregnancy, instead of if being a time of seeing lawyers, selling the house etc.
I just don't know how I can handle going through that.

And I don't know what kind of people either of them are to go on like this with me carrying his child....It's like they are both so far into the fog they have no idea of what they are really doing.
I almost want to call her, and ask her to remember how it was when she was pregnant...she has a 7 and 12 year old. Maybe get her conscience thinking about it.

Also thought of talking to my H's mom...this is her first and possibly only grandchild...maybe she can talk some sense into him... Then again I've read not to get their family involved...that it doesn't solve anything.

Thanks again for the support! It is really helping to hear from you all and post my thoughts and feelings here!