As the day approaches for my XW and I to be together again I've been able to switch my concentration from my feelings and situation to hers.

Now that she is coming home I realise that the road for her is more difficult. She had a marriage she was unhappy with and got involved with the OM. She saw what she thought was something better and easier for her. She didn't see her H's efforts, but found fault so she didn't feel so bad about her A.

The D happened and she started a new life with the OM. It wasn't all she thought it would be and discovered she was still unhappy. Her XH continued to love her and she continued with the OM. She told the XH how happy she was and the XH moved on with a GF. The GF snapped a little reality into the XW. This became a time of heavy FOG for both.

Six months after separation. The FOG starts lifting and the XH gets rid of GF and concentrates on himself and the XW. The XW knows she loves her XH, but doesn't think she can go through the pain and hurt again. She doesn't know he is really committed to meeting her needs. The two still LB because the are still hurting, but the communication gets better and the actions match the words.

The XW realises what she wants and where she wants to be. Now she has to give up her friends (part of OM's cirlce) and the OM who was her best friend to be with her XH. She doesn't know if it will work or not. She is afraid the XH will use the A against her. She thought she had a future with the OM and found out that isn't what she wants and that the OM isn't the man she thought he was. She knows she wants to be with her XH, but doesn't know he will be there for her. Why would he want me after everything that has happened? How could he love me?

This site is pro-BS. I'm a BS and I know my hurt. I also have come to understand part of my XW's hurt. Trying to understand what my XW has been going through and feeling has helped me tremendously. It has helped me not take things so personally and to look at her in a much better light.

Just something I think us BS's need to think about.

MOWL-

As a BS, I agree with you that we need to spend more time considering things from the WS's point of view. I guess it shouldn't be too surprising that I could see my situation (with the exception of the kids) working out EXACTLY as you've described. Only we're not quite to the final D stage. Everything else is eerily similar......

Hi Mowl,

Your story brings to light not just what the WS goes through but even the BS when they move forward. Putting your story in a 3rd person form and then show personal application helps me to see it in a more realistic sense. The pain when attachedn when all of it is about 'real people' sometimes blocks what we need to see.

Thank you for your thread. It has been very helpful.

You and your W have both been through a lot. You have also shown that the D is NOT neccessarily the end of it all. Rough roads still lie ahead because people do change but if the attitude it right, it can be made smooth and your family can be a family again.

Best wishes to you both,
L.

<small>[ November 12, 2002, 10:29 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

If you are so in love with your WS, Then why are you still messing around with your GF, which happens to be my WS. You talk bad about the other guy yet you are doing the same thing to me. Make your decision and stand by it.

I found that the "Surviving An Affair" book does this really well. It takes the point of view of both BS, WS, and OP in several italicized passages. I found these to be very realistic as far as interpreting the mindset of each of the players in everything. For that reason, if my WW ever decided to come back, I would ask that she read it. I'm even tempted to give it to her now, but while she's deep in the fog of an A I doubt she'll really get a lot from it.

Good for you, though, MOWL -- I can't really address your seeing a GF now, I think it's more of a choice you need to make, GF or XW, not really to play one against the other, but I have seen that some MCs recommend a BS get a significant other to snap the WS back into recovery. I know that goes against MB principles, though.

Anyway, I like your thoughts from your WS's point of view. I'm in a similar situation, if not worse. If my WW were to come back, she'd likely have to quit her job (as OM is co-worker) AND all her friends, as her new friends are all part of a circle with OM. In a way, it's a GOOD test though, for if my WW is willing to give all that up to work on our M, it's saying something to me. It also may be the reason that she's still deep in her A, as I think she knows that it's not as simple as dropping the OM and coming back to me, she's got a lot more to lose.

Hopefully you and your XW can both work out a nice plan for recovery. The fact that you're at least putting yourself in her shoes should be very helpful to you both. I hope to be able to do the same someday.

ALS