I just spent some time re-reading old posts and getting myself up to speed on this "funky" situation...So since Mr. Funk asked for comments about his letter, I think I'll chime in. It may not be a popular viewpoint, but it is what I feel, so here goes.

I think there has been so much damage done BY BOTH PARTIES here that it's going to take a lot more time for anything good to come of this. The letter Mrs. Funk sent Mr. Funk should have never been posted here, since they both frequent these boards. I'm quite okay with sharing info on the board, but when both parties post, I think it's a bit out of line to do it this way. That already being done, I will comment on the letter.

I think Mrs. Funk is being as honest and as open as she can. I think she has some serious issues about the control Mr. Funk has had and apparently will continue to have in the marriage. Both parties have admitted to infidelities, both parties have made many mistakes...I think all she is doing is telling her how she feels, and specifically, what he did the past weekend to make her feel that way. Wow, I wish my wife would have been as open with me...

She made a mistake, she is learning from it and trying to move on and make herself a better person. Whether this involves Mr. Funk or not at this point may not be the biggest factor in her recovery (yes, she is in recovery, recovery from being a WS and recovery from being controlled).
She is trying to learn who she is, why she is the way she is, and at the same time, at least TRYING to make her marriage work. While on the other end of the spectrum, Mr. Funk is wanting the ability to trust her again, and wants her to do anything possible to prove that the trust is warranted. I'm not sure he should be so adamant about demanding that right now. I'm not saying the WS doesn't have to accountable for her actions/time, but I'm not sure now is the time for that. If she goes back to the OM, then that's her choice, but all the checking, controlling, etc. will do nothing good for this relationship and may push her back into his arms...maybe Mr. Funk should back off a little, let Mrs. Funk work on herself and instead of worrying about whether you can trust her or not, worry about how she is doing in her recovery. At the same time, working on the obvious issues he has.

Okay...fire away! I might be missing something here, but after skimming/reading through the combined 140 posts of both members, that's my thoughts. I think they both played a serious part in the degredation of this marriage (as is usually the case).

h4f, Orchid, TMCM:

It's sad that we haven't heard anything more about the FFF (Funk Family Fituation). I hope they haven't both lapsed in2 4-yr old mode.

Gadzooks, this can all be so darned delicate sometimes. Like me: We're making progress, and it's nifty, but I think we're both having 2 be careful with each others' reactions at times. Not that I don't want 2 rock the boat in a positive way, but sometimes doing so makes it pretty tippy...

31?... ...as a scientist, I have 2 know that I MUST have BEEN 31 at one time... ...but as an individual, I find it hard 2 believe I was ever that young! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hmmmm... just thinking here. I think inafunk makes some valid points in her letter. But what is needed here is some compromise- or POJA.

Firstly, funked up- please evaluate the status of your Plan A. Read the section on lovebusters. You need to show inafunk the man she fell in love with- the best you. From inafunk's letter, I get the impression that your Plan A could be improved.

Secondly, inafunk, remember funked up has been badly hurt. He doesn't feel like putting effort into a relationship where you're cheating on him. You do need to reassure him that it is truly over with OM.

I would suggest taking a 3 month moratorium with rules you both agree on. What I mean is you agree to date for 3 months. Sit down together and establish some joint rules for that time. It could be- no overnights unless the party wanting to stay over asks, dates must be arranged 3 days in advance, R talk only once a week, sex only if inafunk initiates, copy of phone bills given to funked up voluntarily by inafunk (hey, inafunk, if it is over with OM, why not do this for funked up? make him feel better? if you offer to do it, he's not controlling you).

inafunk, I know it's a tough pill to swallow, but you do need to prove that your R with OM is over, and reassure funked up. On the other hand, funked up, you can't bully your way back into your marriage. Try treating inafunk like a knight in shining armor. If you had just met her, you wouldn't assume anything. You wouldn't stay over without asking, you wouldn't pressure her into sex. You would court her and woo her.

3 months- just to date, have fun, both of you showing each other your best sides. Do those little things for each other that make the heart sing, and avoid lovebusters. Try it.

Espoir, Your plan sounds good to me. My biggest problem with the dating thing is IM afraid she will be using this time to be with OM. This way she keeps me hanging on while she figures out what&#8217;s up with OM. Am I wrong for thinking this way? Its funny you mentioned the phone bill. We did talk about that today. Ws agreed that she would not have a problem with showing me the bill as long as I didn&#8217;t open her mail. I can agree with that. That made me feel much better to see some willingness on her part. Now if we can just compromise and find a common ground on our many other issues. We are in a delicate situation regarding time right now. Our expenses have doubled. We our going deeper into debt every month. I have renters that are supposed to move in January. I don&#8217;t want to move them just to turn around and say you have to leave. These are friends of mine. I don&#8217;t want to put them through that. If the WS were to move back home while I had renters. The renters would not be happy. Its just a situation I would much rather avoid. I wish I would hit the damn powerball already Ha Ha. On the other hand I don&#8217;t want to rush anything with WS. I don&#8217;t want to move her home unless we are both committed to make this work. It seems like we both point fingers and say, "you&#8217;re not supposed to be acting like that". It&#8217;s not getting us anywhere.

Funkedup.

Mr Funk, I totally understand your hesitation, and frustration at the monetary expense. We got in pretty deep ourselves. Seperation just isn't cheap, period. It took awhile after being back together to work ourselves out, but we did do it. And getting in a bind with friends is something you want to avoid too. Are there any other solutions that might work better?? I think we often get stuck on it's either this or that and don't realize that there may be other solutions to our problems.