I agree when you say you are being selfish. You say that you don't want to 'hurt your H' but believe me, it hurts a lot more the longer the lies go on. I know first hand. It would have been much easier for me to know the truth right away, instead of living a lie for 6 years. It really has hurt my healing and recovery.

My H also said he didn't want to hurt me. But now he admitted that he didn't want to face the consequences of his actions. Selfish? You bet.

You obviously care or you wouldn't be here. Please don't romanticize this ex boyfriend thing. If he's willing to cheat with you, someday he may cheat ON you. My former friend cheated on her first husband with her second, and then on her second with my H. She was divorced twice by the age of 28. Will she change? Probably not without counseling.

I wish you luck. Please tell your husband!

RIF90 and others,

My friends do not know, nor does my family. If I choose not to tell, NOONE but my therapist and MB will ever know about it. I would never let him find out from other sources. My friend that went on the trip with me doesn't even know that I had sex with my exbf. We were very discrete and in my last and final conversation with my exbf he didn't think I should tell him either. The exbf thinks that if I ever were to leave my H it should be because I don't love my H, not because I want to be with him(exbf). That week was such an intense EA for me which is why I told the exbf that I needed to cease all contact and he agreed never to call me again stating " I have learned to live without you and our time together brought the closure we both needed" These are the statements that send me reeling. He always knew what to say, when to say it and how to get to me.

I told my H that I am feeling very depressed and withdrawn. He asked me if it was something bad and I gave him an evasive answer. He really seems to not know but everyone responding on the forum seems to think he does. He even said that it seems that things have been better since I got back from the trip because I seem less high strung and mellow. I told him that I had no energy left and he didn't seem fazed by the statement.

I will pay every day for the rest of my life for what I did. I can only hope that my H forgives me one day. I promised myself that I would not end up either miserably married like that of the rest of my family or divorced. And here I am, and adulterer and sinner. Why am I so weak? I have always loved the attention I get from men and my husband knows it. He just laughs it off...

I am curious, many people have remarked that they couldn't believe that my husband would let me go see the exbf for a week...Why do you think he agreed to it? I didn't pressure him. At the time, I could have cared less. I told him if he had any reservations what so ever to tell me and Iwouldn't go. He said asking me to not go would be selfish. Is he just really secure in our marriage or could he be cheating as well? I am just trying to process all of this...I just don't understand why he gives me so much freedom. Any thoughts or insights?

bjayfly,

My W kept her secret of her 2 A's for 8 years. She finally told me because it was eating her up inside. I had no way of dealing with the issue because it had been so long and the OMs were also out of the country. We never finished MC either b/c my W never wanted to talk about it. Therefor I didn't have a chance to find out how I needed to change for her. A year ago this Sunday my W asked me if I would give her a D. I said "There's someone else isn't there"? She told me there was. When I asked who it was she said it didn't matter. Right then I told her who it was. You see I knew something was wrong the night before she told me. She had been with OM that night. I knew she had an A and I knew who it was with before she told me. However it had been going on for nearly 3 years.

Also, before the last A, I had been very secure in our M, even after I found out about the previous 2 A's. She's now turned a man that was confident and trusting into into an anxious untrusting person because of the lies and the length of them. She decieved me for 8 years first. And again for the last 3 years. 11 of the past 19 years we've been married, have been filled with lies. For me, the A's were easier to deal with than the lies. Because how do I really know when she is telling me the truth when she says she loves me, or I have to work late tonight. It will take a long time for her to regain my trust now. But, I love her with all my heart and I'm will ing to risk it again.

Please tell your H the truth. Both of you get to a good MC. You all have a lot of stuff to work on already don't add lying to the list. Do the right thing, be honest now, go through the temporary pain and allow your M to become what it was meant to be. A Blessing.

Many of us will be praying for you and your H.

S&C

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have always loved the attention I get from men and my husband knows it. He just laughs it off...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow, that is the same B.S. line my WW gave me. Are you that insecure within yourself that you need constant praise and adoration from men? Do you not know how to handle positive attention from men? Do you not have any boundaries? Is it just possible that this thing that happened with your ExBF could have happened with someone else as well, given the right circumstances?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am curious, many people have remarked that they couldn't believe that my husband would let me go see the exbf for a week...Why do you think he agreed to it? I didn't pressure him. At the time, I could have cared less. I told him if he had any reservations what so ever to tell me and Iwouldn't go. He said asking me to not go would be selfish. Is he just really secure in our marriage or could he be cheating as well? I am just trying to process all of this...I just don't understand why he gives me so much freedom. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I, too, gave my WW complete and utter freedom, as she had my complete and utter TRUST to conduct herself appropriately, as a married women. I am not a jealous person and I am certainly not a control freak by any means. When he told you that he trusted you to go and not get into anything with your ExBF, he probably really meant it. Complete Trust! What a gift! Why analyze it?

Is he cheating as well? Oh my God are you digging or what? You think he allowed you to go hoping you would cheat so [i]he[i] would feel better? Now you are really stretching. You obviously don't want to face this thing squarely as you seem to deflect all the logic we give you here. You have not really "owned" the problem yet, you are still playing mindgames with yourself over this. Oh, and by the way, I love that great line the ExBF layed on you about how you two now have "closure". Good grief! Yeah, I need that kind of "closure" too, with about 10 my ExGF's! I hate when people use psycho-babble bull$hit as much as I hate when people use that Soulmate theme in their pursuit of fantasy-filled romantic fulfillment!

And what's up with you crying yourself to sleep then doing it two more times because "the damage was already done"? I think you need counseling for some personal issues. When my W told me she made a "mistake", I told her 6 months of f***ing is not a mistake; maybe if it had happened one time because things got carried away and then she felt guilty and never did it again, that's a mistake (like your 1st indiscretion with your ExBF), but going back for more? That's not a mistake anymore. You sound so much like my W. She has some weird sexual-psychological issues as well. You felt bad after the 1st time and then went and "punished" yourself with more encounters because you were already tainted? Think about that thought process. Not healthy.

I don't care what fog-filled rationale you have about this situation, or that no one knows except you and ExBF and MB, it does not matter. Your marriage will never be the same. What you did, secret or not, will adversely afffect your R with your H. And just because he does not come out and point-blank ask you hard and cold questions in a most serious fashion does not mean he does not suspect or feel something is wrong or different. A loving spouse will sometimes sheepishly ask questions and take the answers they get at face value because they want to believe their spouse! Love does that sometimes.

Bottomline. He needs to know. He has a right to know.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We were very discrete and in my last and final conversation with my exbf he didn't think I should tell him either. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course your exBF doesn't want him told. No matter what demeanor or attitude that you may think your H has, and just how he would respond to it, is really a moot point to the exBF. You see, most men know that the after effects of something like this are totally unpredictable. He absolutley has no idea how your H would react, no matter what you tell him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I will pay every day for the rest of my life for what I did. I can only hope that my H forgives me one day. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Forgive you for what? If you don't ASK for forgiveness, how can he forgive you? How are you going to ask for forgiveness without telling him? Some kind of "generic" one? "H, please forgive me". "Forgive you for what?" "Oh...Nothing really. Everything and anything, I guess".

He CAN'T forgive you. Because you want to hide it. Forgiveness is derived from confession. One can't exist without the other.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why am I so weak? I have always loved the attention I get from men and my husband knows it. He just laughs it off...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Whew...That one got me. Couldn't have been me and my wife anymore than if we were cloned. The thing that I have not figured out though, is this....

That is a huge EN for my exW. To be honest, it was "fulfilling" for me as well. I mean...I honestly felt good about having a W that most men envied me over. The odd thing is, is that SHE knew I was that way. She KNEW I placed her on a pedestal. I lived my entire life for her. Honestly. She would say the same, and has since D-Day. Has told everyone (exact words) " I could not have asked for a better husband than HCII." Then why are we divorced?

Because she needs the CONSTANT attention. 24/7. Not being harsh, but you better think about that attitude.

It's probably the EXACT one that caused your problems.

JMHO.....

Boo

On some level he knows. Just look at the questions he is asking. Tell him. All the signs point to it, just as it did with my H. He knows. Confessing makes recovery so much better and the sooner the better.

The agonizing over telling him is over. I told and it is every bit as awful as I thought it would be. I hope we make it through this...