Seriously , I am losing it now.. Please no flames, I am having ab awfyk dat,,, my h would not see me when I asked him too, and now I am losing it...

I am not going to do it... My h is not answering my call, mad that I called, and I am mad at father in law and ow for all of this mess... see me shift the blame?// OK, I know it will pass... any advice while I am in lala land???

thanks, H

The OW isn't the reason your marriage is in shambles. She's a symptom...she took advantage of the situation...but she's far from the reason.

If you want to be mad, then be mad...but drop the blame. Fix what you can...and accept what you can't and make your decisions accordingly. The OW has nothing to do with that.

Honey, you were doing so well...get a grip and quit reacting to everything your H does or doesn't do. You're giving him control of your life...he's far too much a mess to be given such an important role. Take your life back, take your control back, and leave him to dig his holes.

Honey,

Hope4future has excellent advice, please do not call OW or FIL. Former OW does not even care and I seriously doubt if it would phase her one bit, plus, the worst could happen and she could report you for harassing her. It may make you feel better for a moment, but the satisfaction will not last for long.

Take all these angry feelings and write them down, put them in a journal, or whatever, that always helped me to get my feelings out. There is no way to hold all the anger inside, it will eat you up, but please do not sink to their level and allow your actions to destroy yourself, you are much, much better than that. It is time to take the high road and rise above them. Get it out on paper, vent here, call me, whatever, just please do not call them!!

Hugs,
GC

Honey,

Once again, address your fears.

We tend to be angry at those who are safest.

Instead of directing your anger at the person who rightly has earned it, you are directing it at "safe" outlets.

Your fear of losing your husband causes you to be angry at everyone but him.

OW didn't do this. Your FIL most certainly did NOT do this (I don't care what he did when your H was growing up, NO ONE is holding a gun to your H's head. Jim is an adult and choosing to do what he is doing.)

Take a long hard look at your husband.

Why are you afraid of losing him?

What power have you given him over yourself that says: "Jim's truths are MY truths." Why do you own what he says about you?

Why do you love him Honey? Seriously. What ENs does he meet for you today, right now? What do you admire about him as he is today? What is there to love?

You see, I don't think that you really love him. I think that you have placed your self-worth and self-esteem into his hands. So now, whatever he says, and if he leaves, you've made it about your own self-worth.

Do you see why we keep saying focus on you?

Honey needs to find her self-respect. Once Honey has self-respect, then Honey can make a honest, real, decision (not possible without self-respect and self-esteem and self-love) to unconditionally love her husband.

But you aren't there yet. HE is your self-medication and its not working. Your attempts to get Jim back into the "dance" and to make you feel good about yourself are failing.

Honey, you are as surely addicted to your husband as he is to alcohol. And your addiction is just as insidious.

If you want to save your marriage, you have GOT to save Honey first.

Thanks for the replies... anger at ow and fil tends to come when I feel like it is all out of control and how did this happen, then I start thinking they helped it happen.... ugh. I know it is about our relationship and HIM, his choice, not who I am.

I am just 17 yrs used to having him as my best friend, someone who always cared and was always there for me... someone who would hold me, love me, and be there for me...

Today I had a hard day at work... that didn't help. I am tired, I am tired of being a single mother and coming home to just me and the kids... I want someone to share my life with.. I am tired of not knowing,... tired of his not being here for me as my husband, etc.

I am just plain tired.

I know taking care of me alone, will completely draw him to me, compared to being needy or wanting to talk to him so badly that he gets cruel. It just hurts to be alone.

Not all the time... I think after the rejection it gets worse.. and why did I have to take it so bad that I called and he could not see me.. it is like it starts to drive me crazy that he is unavailalbe.. I just wanted a simple hello...

It is like he draws back when things get warm.

I know I have to let him come to me. I didn't really think it would hurt to see if I could see him on my way home from work... but it seems to have turned into a horrible thing.. since it upset me sooo that he sd no... He lives so far away and the commute thing makes it easy to stop by... as he is kind of on the way home from work... but he sd NO... no time for you.

I do respect me, I am just tired of being faithful to a husband, who is not a husband, who is not there for me, nor cares to be... only if he feels like it, and only if... i don't do a thing he doesn't want me to do...

ANyway, will let go. Defintiely not calling ow or fil... don't know why those crazy thoughts start to come to my head.

Turth is he is not a good man right now, right br, what is he doing for me right now? Just a memory, a sweet sad memory.

Thanks for being here, I am calming down.. No dinner and a few wine coolers contributed to my poor emotional state.. and stress of a messy house and bieng gone all day .

hugs, HONEY

Watch out for those wine coolers I find they make me angry and emotional. I have had to give up even having a glass with a meal.My system must be at a very low ebb. Thats another reminder to take care of general health--- mens sana in corpore sano.All the best to you and yours.

<small>[ November 13, 2002, 05:14 AM: Message edited by: H2O ]</small>

Honey - I just want you to know that I am not going to flame you I promise - and if I offended you in anyway before then I am truly sorry - but I had to respond - I can so totally feel your pain - I do the same things - even though I am divorced now - it still hurts me to the core that I find out my husband is dating someone new - basically - I threw a fit the other day and punched his car and just had a mental breakdown for an entire evening - I can totally feel what you are saying - I think that my problem and your problem (if you don't mind being grouped with me ) is that you have been with Jim or in love with him since you were 17 - I have been with my husband since I was 18 - we have been together for 19 years - and married for 15 - and honestly - it kills me that he just woke up one day and decided that he didn't want me anymore - I don't care that I gained weight, or that he thought I was to possesive - whatever - the simple fact is that I am and was devestated - I am not sure that I will ever be able to put that trust into someone else again - I am afraid that no one will ever love me again... I am overwhelmed that I am paying a huge mortgage by myself, working 40 hours a week, taking care of two girls - 9 and 12 - with no great help actually more trouble than it is worth with the oldest - I hate the fact that he has them for 1 hour on Tuesday and overnight Friday and home by 12 the next day - I hate the fact that I am lonely - I hate being the 3rd wheel or the 5th wheel when I go out ... And I totally hate the fact that I am home being a mom to his children and he is out driving from one bar to the next and dating other woman - but the simple fact and the hardest to swallow is that - I am the one that is sad not him... He is having a hell of a good time... I know that I am divorced and I know that I cannot change that - but I know that it is a struggle each day... The furtherst thing from my mind is dating... I cannot even imagine it - after being with the same man for over half of my life - but and this is a big but - I am going to have to face reality and go on - he is dating - hell he dated while we were married... I am beginning to think that he is just a hard habit to break... I love him with all of my heart and I will probably always love him - but I do know that I could not take him back tomorrow - I don't know who he is - and the simple fact is that I deserve to be loved - and someday I hope to find that - I just want you to know that you are not alone - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and I really do feel your pain - that is why sometimes it is easier for me to give you advice - than to follow my own - But I am trying - And you must try to for yourself and your children - You Deserve to Be Happy..........

Thanks MAW, thanks for not flaming... hehe. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I know how hard it is, not ime to reply now.. thanks for the post! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

((((((Honey)))))) Hang in there girl.

Honey,

I am just 17 yrs used to having him as my best friend, someone who always cared and was always there for me... someone who would hold me, love me, and be there for me...

You really need some perspective here. The OW did not do anything to you really. Your husband did it. As I recall, he was cheating on you through most of your marriage but was just able to keep it secret. So she is just one more woman used by him. Keep the entire picture of your marriage in front of you. Perhaps making a list with the good on one side and the bad on the other in date chronology order will help you keep things in perspective. Your husband did not just see this OW one day and fall for you. You have had a very dysfunctional marriage for a very long time.

This is very important for you to remember when you fall into these moods.