A new problem aroused today. Last month we celebrated 4 b-days and one more this month. Mine my W and 3 kids. well today my mother sent a package to us with gifts for everyone except the W. well of course she is upset and i understand why. i feel as if my parents are causing hugh LB's for me. My W told me that one of the comments my mother made helped her make the decision to seperate. So how do i get my W to overlook what my parents are saying and they way they are acting? thanks

rothal;
I was treated badly by my ex wife's family and l didn't even have any A. They basically never liked me because I did not fit their profile on what they wanted their daughter to marry os they worked hard to drive me out and they won.I would have stayed if the wife would have stood up for us and me but in her eyes her parents where never wrong. My future MIL is not too keen on me right now but it has to do with religion not on personality.born again christain and the stbw is divorcing a jerk get the picture but wifey will and has stood up for us and me. I know you love your mother but if she is making comments that is affecting your relationship with your wife I think you better put your foot down. If you do that and no contact with them for a period of time maybe they'll get the message and kep their comments to themselfs. The stbw mother told her she wouldn't be getting a divorce if she been a better christain and wife. Stbw didn't talk to her mother for four months until mom showed up at the door with her hat in her hand.

<small>[ November 13, 2002, 05:39 AM: Message edited by: 231 ]</small>

rothals

Your mother's behavior towards your WW, although understandable under the circumstances, should be addressed by returning YOUR gift (the childrens gifts need not be returned) with a note stating that it is very un Christian like for them to not follow the example of Jesus forgiveness of the adulteress. Hopefully they will see that they are very far from honoring the memory of our savior with such behavior. WE ALL have betrayed God more than once in our lives, so we should humbly forgive those that have betrayed us like our Lord has forgiven our betrayals. Wish them God's peace and love.

My parents forgave my h. I feel pretty lucky about that, but I've been cut out of the will because they are afraid he will leave and take half their money in the future. It has all been left to my kids.

The best thing you can do is to stand up for your wife and let her know that you are a family unit. I would go so far as to return the kids gifts, and tell the folks that your children need a mother and father, and that they do not need divorced parents. Set the rules with them. No matter what, better or worse, you are married to your wife and that is where your loyalty has to be now. My H stood up to his parents for me in the past. I will never forget that, and I am the BS.

I certainly would never return gifts. I think that will only cause more aggression from you parents and I think it's really an unnecassery act.
Why do your parents even know about your wifes actions? There are just somethings I feel we don't discuss with our parents if we know it may cause bad feelings with spouse.
You need to talk with your parents about how they're behaving. If you intend on keeping your marriage together, explain this to them and let them k now that you would appreciate thier support and that if they can't give that to you then they atleast need to back off. Tell them in the future you will not accept their actions of elinating your wife.
At the same time, you should also explain to your wife that she caused this reaction, right or wrong, from your parents. They are after all your parents and Im sure no matter how old you get, they will always feel a need to protect you and will want to shun anyone who hurts or betrays you. Your wife should understand this being a mother herself. Tell her to give them time.

Please don't return the gifts, the kids should not have to suffer because their mother is miffed at their grandmother and vice versa. I would have a chat with your mother and see if you can resolve it. Maybe your WW could have a chat with her and get things on the table.

It is exceptionally unrealistic to expect your mother to treat your WW with open arms after what she did to you and the kids. Your WW needs to understand that there are consequences to affairs. This is one of the consequences.

Tell your WW that she needs to just deal with it without forcing the whole family to pay the penalty for her bad behavior. You have paid enough.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My W told me that one of the comments my mother made helped her make the decision to seperate. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Naw, she wanted to seperate anyway and is just using your mother as an excuse. Or is it a veiled threat with the implication being that if you don't get your mother under control that she will leave again? Thats pretty manipulative and cruel if thats the case.

I should also emphasize that your mother is not doing this because she is mean or evil but because she loves her son and is heartbroken that he was mistreated. It is a protective instinct that all mothers have.

I imagine that the thought of giving the WW a gift after what she did to her boy was particularly galling so she passed on it. Remember, your mother has to get over this affair, too. Your WW has apologized to you and is making amends to YOU but nothing of the sort has happened with the other people in the family your WW has hurt. Your mother has to recover just like you do, except she does it alone.

And since when is it good manners to DEMAND a present from someone? Aren't gifts supposed to freely given from the heart and not EXPECTED? I really think your WW needs to lower her expectations quite a bit and do her best to make your mother feel BETTER about her. Instead of worrying about getting a present, maybe the solution is to focus on the MOTHER and the hurt feelings she has that led to this. Calling her and DEMANDING presents sure ain't the way to achieve that.

You have suffered enough from the WW affair, don't lose your mother over the fallout!

my thanks to everyone that shared their opinions. I must say there are some good points in all but i dont agree with what some are saying. I do feel like i need to speak to my parents and let them know how dissappointed i am at how they are reacting. i was brought up in a very christian family and although i can somewhat understand the way they feel i dont agree with the way they(my mother) is acting. I feel they should support my feelings for wanting to reconcile with my W and show support for both of us. returning the gifts is not an option to me, but taking my gift and spending it on my wife is what i feel is right. my W and i had a great talk this evening, probably the best since this whole situation started, and she is scared about how she will be treated if we make it through this. I understand her completely and as much as i want to assure her everything will be ok i cant because i dont know how my family will react in the future. as for the comment on what does W expect from my parents; i feel she has every right to feel that she should be treated like one of daughters after all when we were married she became their daughter. She also needs support no matter who was the BS. sorry if i seems hasty but a couple of comments got me stirred up.

Yup, time for a good talk with your parents. You need to let them know that you understand how they feel, you felt it too, but that you've made the decision to try and save your marriage. You want their help and support for your choice.

You parents are hurt and angry, this is understandable. They love you, your children and very likely your W. They are acting out of their own disappointment and anger. Validate their feelings, but enlist their support.

Do NOT come across as angry at their actions, this will only put them on the defensive. You want their help. Be sure that they understand that your W has many fears as to how they will receive her...and you want to lay these fears to rest for her and for you and for your children. (Nothing wrong with putting a little pressure on grandma and grandpa as to what is best for their "babies". LOL)

IF...at this time they can't find it within them to be supportive, explain that at this point, your energy and thought is with rebuilding your marriage and you'd appreciate it if they would just stay on the sidelines as non-combatants until they are able to offer you and your W their support.

They love you...don't cut them off. But do stand up for what you want...and right now, that's your W and your family back as one unit.

I have the IL's from h*ll and been through something similar, so I do understand. IMHO, when two people get married, they separate from their parents and their focus/responsibility/loyalty is to their spouse. It is up to us, as adults, to make sure our parents understand where our loyalties lay. Your family is a 'package deal', you can't have some and not all. It's important that your children also see that you and your spouse are a loyal and devoted team. I'm not suggesting you separate from your parents, I'm suggesting that your parents be made aware that there are boundaries that must be respected.

Hello rothals,

I am MIL of a DIL who had an affair, lying to and betraying my S and taking his son away from him.

Has your W apologized to your parents? She owes them one. She owes them an acknowledgment that she has behaved badly and that she regrets the pain she has caused them. Yes, them. An affair affects the entire family and damages the ILs too.
This is not to say that they should interfer. That's not their place. But they have real reason to be greatly offended by her actions and not want to have anything to do with an adulteress who hurt their "child". BTW, you can forgive someone and still choose not to have anything to do with her.

Maybe if your W treats your parents as if their feelings matter, they will soften their reactions toward her and be able to reconcile with her. Right now, they do not trust her. They probably suspect that it is just a matter of time before she hurts you again. You can't blame them for that, especially if she has not expressed her good intents to them.

Have you explained MB principles to them? Maybe you can refer them to the main MB site to read the basic concepts. That will help them see what you are trying to do.

BTW, my S and DIL are still living separately although the D is on hold. My DIL is NOT getting a Christmas gift from me. As it stands right now, she is not the same person I loved. I don't know this new person. If she would talk to me, maybe I could build a new relationship with this person whom I no longer know.

I totally support my S's efforts to keep his M together, and I will be glad if he succeeds. However, at this point, I have no reason to believe that my DIL has his best interests in mind. And she has shown that she is capable of great evil. Maybe this is where your mother is too. Give her some time and suggest to your W that she express regrets for her actions to your parents.

If you W becomes a loving wife to you again, I bet that you parents will come around. At this point, though, she has to re-earn their respect.

BTW, a good solution would be to give you a joint gift, maybe something you can share, rather than separate gifts. Maybe they could do that.

Hope things work out.

Estes

<small>[ November 13, 2002, 02:51 PM: Message edited by: Estes49 ]</small>

well today my mother sent a package to us with gifts for everyone except the W. well of course she is upset and i understand why.
It's okay for her to be upset. It's part of the territory they carve out for themselves when having an affair.

i feel as if my parents are causing hugh LB's for me.
You can only cause LB's for yourself, NOT someone else. If she gets mad at them, then it is their fault, not yours.

My W told me that one of the comments my mother made helped her make the decision to seperate.
Justification. How is something someone said going to make her leave? If your wife stole something, would you be upset you were told about it or upset that she stole it?

So how do i get my W to overlook what my parents are saying and they way they are acting? thanks
You don't. Again, it's part of the territory. If she doesn't like it, then she needs to take action to fix it, such as showing your parents she is remorseful, not having affairs, being a good wife/mother, etc.

Don't apologize for you parents to your wife and vice-versa. They are all adults (at lest they should be <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

You could KINDLY ask your parents to NOT be mean to her. "If you don't have anything good to say, don't say it" type of talk.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by rothals: So how do i get my W to overlook what my parents are saying and they way they are acting? thanks[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish my family was more like yours, my family seems to accept my cheating wife like shes a normal wife liike nothing happend. Your wife should understand that she shouldnt be naked with other men when shes married and there are consequences for her actions. Your wife chose to hurt you and your family, you were not important to her at the time she was having an affair, her cravings for another man emotionally or physically meant more to her then you. You might have her read my post to fully understand how being selfish has crushed you and your family.

My wife gives me the excuse that she thought i didnt care about her so she fell in love with another man she met on the internet and wanted to have children with him even though she never met him. After 8 months on the net she met him in real life on a trip to see her family and spent 2 weeks with him, sleeping with him the first night they met. My wife had never slept with another man before she met me.

How the hell can any person forget stuff like that? How the heck can your wife or cheating husband expect you or your family to forget her/him bouncing on top another person?
It's simply not possible.
I hope you can work it out with your wife, im trying as hard as I can to be nice to my wife, but I have impulses all the time to smack her when I feel angry but i dont. If your wife feels like she made a mistake and loves you NOW (because she didnt care about you before)then she needs to appologize to everyone she thinks she's hurts and at family events appologize to everyone for being so selfish.

This probably sounds crazy to most people here but if I was to hear a cheating wife/husband appologize in front of there whole family and everyone who trusted her and loved her i might forgive her/him and believe in them again. Cheaters obviously know whats on everyones mind anyways so why not face everyone and not only make them feel better but also themselves.

Just my oppinion I could easily be wrong

OK, this thread is one reason why I never told my parents about my WH's behavior. I did tell them we were having marital problems and please pray for us, but since he was so remorseful and trying to do everything right to "make up" for what he had done, I did not want him to have to spend a lot more time and energy trying to make up to my family.

Now, for your thread,

I assume your parents live a considerable distance from you since they sent gifts in the mail. If this is true, then your wife and yourself must understand that as far as your parents are concerned, your wife is still the "evil DIL" that tried to destroy their son and grandchildren's lives...
They can not see all of her efforts to make things right with you. They can not see any changes she's made in her lifestyle. They can not see her attitude adjustments. ETC.

My sisters who do know about the A were apprehensive at first too. But over time they have seen my H making efforts to "make up" to me etc., and this helps them forgive him. He has not bought them roses, took them to dinner, looked lovingly into their eyes, but they have seen him do these things to me. Yes, your wife has committed an offense against your family, but it is hugely secondary to the offense she committed against you. She should not have to worry about pacifying the whole family right now. She should be allowed to concentrate on fixing your marriage and taking care of you.

If you are SURE that your parents actions are due to the A, (and not some prior dislike of each other), then your wife might consider writing a letter or sending a card expressing some of her feelings. She might let them know that she understands that by hurting you, she has hurt them. And that she is very sorry for the hurt she has caused, and she's doing everything in her power to make right the pain she's caused you and your children.

<strong>How the heck can your wife or cheating husband expect you or your family to forget her/him bouncing on top another person?
</strong>
first thank you so much bogs for putting that visual back in my head after i've been trying so hard to get it out.
i told my parents about the A a couple of weeks after i found out and i thought there was no way we were going to be able to work it out. I didnt think she wanted to she said it was over and that was it. i do regret telling them now, but its done. i dont feel my W has to justify her actions to my parents. what was done was between and nothing against them so i dont feel she needs to apologize to them either. If im willing to forgive my W then so should they. I do understand them being upset that i've been hurt and wanting to protect me, but my decision are just that, "my decisions" and i have to live with my actions regardless the reactions-good or bad.