OW's H just called me....

claims his wife is denying denying denying.... says my H just wants out of our marriage and made up the affair to get rid of me???????

Guys, Men.... PLEASE??!! Why would he risk everything, tell me a lie... then cry and beg my forgiveness??? Plead for another chance???

What the hell is going on?????

Insight..someone... anyone... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ November 13, 2002, 10:23 AM: Message edited by: Baby Blue ]</small>

Calm down, BB...breathe.

I don't know your story, but it sounds like she's trying to save her own @$$ by lying to her H.

I KICKED HIS [censored] OUT FOR A WEEK!!

TOLD HIM WE NEEDED TIME TO CALM DOWN.. HE CRIED LIKE A BABY!!!!

IS THIS A LIE??????????????

No....it's not a lie. Like Inafunk said, calm down. The OW doesn't give a hoot about anyone else, she's just trying to save her own butt. Just concentrate on your marriage and your husband...let her H make his own conclusions. If he chooses to believe her, it's his mistake to make.

OW's lying, definately

And the lie is easily swallowed by her WH who finds it more convenient to blame someone else rather than blame WW and/or partly himself.

But that's not the point. The point is: OW/OWH shouldnt be in contact with you. And OW/OWH certainly shouldnt be in contact with WS. That's the issue. Draft a joint letter to them, or whatever, to let them know that intrusion is not on. Change your phone number. Protect yourself from them.

OH SH**!!!!

I'm losing it,,,, just tried to call HER, and she won't answer the phone... left a msg...

pls tell me this isn't true.... if he wants out, why would he do it this way????

OMG... I feel sick.

Baby...

Breathe in & out...

Don't try to call her...it will get you nowhere fast. She's already lying to her H and she'll lie to you too. Ditto to what H$F & Nick said.

Keep typing here, but don't call them!

I can certainly understand why you might assume that your H is lying - he lied for years. However, you have to remember she did, too. What reason do you have to believe she is telling the truth now? If you were not so upset you could see she is obviously lying. What benefit is it to your husband to confess to an affair that did not happen? Zilch. Even if he wanted to divorce you, it would not help him in any way to tell you he had an affair and then say he wanted to stay. What benefit is it to her to deny an affair and tell her H it was just a lie your H told you to get rid of you? Hmmm.... Not too hard to see it now, is it?

As an aside, this illustrates a classic problem in recovery. By deceiving you for so long, he has destroyed your trust in him, even when he is telling the truth. He can be completely honest with you, and you still will not trust him - because you can't yet. It will take months and years of showing you his actions match his words, to rebuild the trust that he has destroyed. This is one reason a lot of WS's give up and file for divorce. It's a variation on the "My spouse can't ever forgive me." theme. After three or four months of being truthful and getting no trust returned, they conclude things will never change, and stop trying. Why be honest if you are not believed? Yet those who persevere find that trust does return. Just not on their timetable.

In your case, there is a 99.9999% chance she is lying, and he is truthful (the .0001% doubt is only because there IS no 100% certainty). I recommend you ask him to forgive you for this, but also talk to him about the trust issues I raise in the last paragraph. It will not make it much easier on him, but knowing this is "normal" may help him not to give up. It also may help you to moderate your reactions. Throwing H out for something OW said to OW's H is a bit extreme, unless you have some independent corroboration that it is true. I know your emotions are running high right now - "welcome" to the rollercoaster.

Just a thought, but is it all bad for you that OW is lying to her H in an effort to protect her marriage? Wouldn't it be even worse if she was telling her H she wanted a divorce? I see why this call is so upsetting, but maybe OW fixing her OWN marriage is the best thing that could happen to you and your H.

OW#1 WAS a friend of mine. She never admitted to the A to me... even after my H gave me all of the details.

And what made it worse for me, was that when I tried to tell her H about it, he wouldn't believe me. That was DEVASTATING!!! He had read the same emails that were the PROOF of the A (talking about getting the first kiss out of the way, etc), and yet chose to believe his W, who said, "We made up those emails to teach Karen a lesson, so that she wouldn't snoop in Dave's email". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

It took me MONTHS of getting over that. How could OWH be so damn NAIVE?!?!?! But you know what? I was eventually able to see that it really didn't matter. I did my part. I told him. And if he CHOSE to stay blind and deny the TRUTH, then that was HIS PROBLEM!!! I did all that I could. And that was that.

I know what you're going through. You need validation for your feelings right now. And the one place you feel you need it from is from OW or her H. But you need to make a plan, and assume that you will NEVER get an admission. You must learn to ACCEPT that. It's hard, I know. But you know what? Just because you ACCEPT something, sure as heck doesn't mean you have to like it too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Keep on venting here. You need to let these anxieties out... and better on MB than to your H. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

OMG I'm TRYING to breathe.... I can't stop crying...

I'm trying to reach my H.. he's on a business trip.. he's not answering....

God I need his arms around me right now. I'm so lost. and scared.

Archuletan... and everybody else.

I am sorry. i deleted it.

<small>[ November 13, 2002, 10:25 AM: Message edited by: Baby Blue ]</small>

Ok, thank you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm trying to reach my H.. he's on a business trip.. he's not answering.... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My experience in recovery was that my worst days were when my W was traveling on business. I get the impression that this is a common experience for a BS. Anything you or he can do to reduce your time apart will be helpful. In our case it meant her refusing a promotion which would have required more travel.

Did his job depend on him going on this business trip? He really should be there with you right now, or at least near by. Also, I think the OW is lying to save her [censored]. How sad that her husband would actually buy it... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Baby Blue, don't worry about what this OW and her H are dealing with...keep your focus on what you and your H are dealing with.

I've got a sneaking suspicion that you are fighting yourself, wanting to deny that your H betrayed you, yet, not wanting to feel that he only told you so that he could have his freedom. You'd like to believe there was no betrayal...none of us want to accept a betrayal happened, but hanging on to these false hopes is very counter-productive.

Now remember...you can get your freedom without betraying. I can't imagine anyone choosing to tell their spouse that they have been unfaithful as a way of saying "Good-bye" when they haven't. Talk about a really dumb and destructive idea. It doesn't even make the least bit of sense. You don't have locks on the doors and bars on the window...IF your H wanted to go...he'd pack his bags and go. He sure wouldn't want to go through dealing with a BS before he left.

Forget contacting OW, her H, or anyone else. Right now, get your emotions under control. You don't want to explode on your H about this. He can NOT control what this OW does/says. If she wants to lie to her H about what happen...that's not surprising, WS lie their butts off. And don't be too mad at her H, he's in denial...who wants to believe their spouse can cheat? But, somewhere in his heart he suspects or knows...that is THEIR problem...NOT your's and your H's.

Keep the focus on you and your H and your marriage. Change your number if necessary or block their number...you do NOT want any contact from them. jmho

Good Luck! Keep on your healing path and just think of this as a pot-hole you couldn't see coming up...and keep your eyes on the horizon where a better future awaits you and H.

Yes, his job (then) required extensive traveling. The affair was a 'business trip only' affair. they were only together on business trips.

The job he has now does not involve so much traveling.. only 2-3 times per year (as opposed to per month like before) I've left him msgs.. he still hasn't called me.

But OW did. At first she insisted she only kissed him once, then admitted to twice... insisted they never laid in bed kissing for hours, that they never had sex.... then said my H was not lying to me and that he was a better person than she was, she couldn't remember how many times they were really together because she didn't like to think about it but she would never admit to having sex with him because she honestly 'didn't remember'.. ????

now what?????

oh.. and also said (at the beg of the conv) that he only told me about these things because I was a 'witch' and wouldn't leave him alone about it. So now it's My fault????

<small>[ November 13, 2002, 11:20 AM: Message edited by: Baby Blue ]</small>

Is there any way that you could join your husband on this trip? Or that he can come home earlier?

Remeber that this woman does not have you best intersts in mind. She never has. What does she care if she hurts you more?

Do you have any concrete proof of the affair? Letters? Photos? Phone bills? If you do they should give you some security that your H is not lying about the affair. Depending on what your relationship is like with your H, you may want to ask him for some concrete proof just to ease your mind. Ask him to help you through this attack by her.

If she knows intimate knowledge, like your H is lying to end your marriage, then she has been too close to your H. You see, her lie is the proof that they were too close. You are giving her and her husband too much power over you, your husband and your relationship. Obviously she and her husband are both poison to you. I like the idea of a no contact letter.. The classic MB no contact letter that mentions the affair and it's inappropriateness. And that tells both her and her husband to end all contact and leave you alone.

Her husband knows of the affair. If he chooses to handle it by being in denial that is his issue.

I also made it very clear to her that i NEVER want her or her husband to call me or my husband again.. EVER! she promised she wouldn't .. but .. why should i believe her?? I just hope she doesn't.

BB,

Too bad you don't have the convo with her on the tape.. what a con artist... but she is not good at it. Her 'not remembering' amounts to an admital. She told her H want she felt she had to to save her [censored]. Now she calls you to calm you down.. probably afraid that you are going to try to prove the affair to her H.

Why not call your H and leave a message. Tell him that you know you are loosing it. That you know he did not lie about the affair. And that you need to hear from him as soon as he can call. Tell him that you appreciate his being truthful with you and his wanting to work on your marriage.

Get that no contact letter out asap (with you H).