I hear everyone on the forum loud and clear that I should tell my husband about my A. However, I am not sure that I can bring myself to cause him that pain. I think I am strong enough to seek therapy and repair our marriage without him knowing about the affair. We have been in MC before and going back would not be suspicious to him.

I really feel like there has to be SOMEONE out there who has had an A, paid the price and moved on to have a healthy marriage after counseling. If so, I would love to talk to you...If my husband NEVER finds out what is the harm? I already know I could never do this again...

Why is it SO necessary that he feel the pain that I caused?????? He told me to never tell him if I had an A, and to live with the guilt and pain myself so how could he blame me later(for not telling) if he found out, which I am 95% sure he wouldn't..

This is tough. I know that there are two schools of thought out there. One says, tell no matter what.(MB has such a philosophy) The other says, it is more important to change your behaviour than it is to tell.

I think it's also important to decide why you want to tell or not. You say you don't want to hurt your H. I think that's only part of it, I also think you are afraid of what will happen if you do tell. Are you protecting yourself or him? If you can't be radically honest with your H right now, then at least be radically honest with yourself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I can't tell you what to do or not do. Ultimately, the choice is yours and you must live with the consequences of either choice. Yes, there is harm in not telling your H. There is also harm in telling him. There are no easy answers. Trying to justify a 'what he doesn't know, won't hurt him' attitude and 'he told me not to tell', is naive and self-serving. Ask yourself the tough questions and give yourself the brutally honest answers. Try to reason past the fear and guilt. Try to figure out what is best for both of you.

I don't envy you this choice.

<small>[ November 13, 2002, 03:30 PM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

Tough spot you're in. As a BS, the thing that helped me most was knowing for certain. I had suspicions about my WWs affair, but knowledge is power. I had all the information I needed to make my decision to either stay or go I'm not going to tell you what to do. That answer is in your heart and, like mgm said, there are consequences no matter what you choose. Best of luck.

My wife thought she would never have another affair either and yet 8 years later she did. He has the right to decide if he wants to continue to be married to you. I bet he will stay with you. Good Luck

Never been there myself. However, I do have a friend who did that about two years ago. She and her H are now divorcing, mostly because their emotional communication pretty much broke down and they feel "alone" even when together. Secrets have a way of doing that, closing people off. Of course, who knows what would have happened if she had told; but at least they would have had a shot at open, honest communication.

Besides, from his asking you "jokingly" about whether you had an A, I'd guess he strongly suspects. I asked my H several times "jokingly" before I found out that he was, indeed, emotionally involved with someone else. He wasn't going to tell me, because he thought it would hurt me, and he thought he'd sort it out himself. But, it didn't just involve him, and I deserved the chance to know what was in his heart & on his mind, and to choose to heal together.

Kathi

BJ, there's a very good chance he will find out. If not through other people, through your own actions. I understand you wanting to spare him the pain, but in the longrun holding the secret will eat at you inside and cause you to withdrawl from the marriage.

Think about this...what if hubby DOES find out down the line. You think he'll stay with you then? Many MANY people have said that if someone cheats that's it, they're out the door. I said it myself...I despised adultry that much. Then I find myself in a "unique" situation that turns out to be pretty common, unfortunatly. If you are honest with him now, once his initial anger and devestation have subsided (and it DOES), he will think more of you for being brave enough to tell. If he finds out some other way or just slowly loses you for totally unknown reasons...it would hurt him worse.

My H decided to keep his secret for 6 years. In that time, he was depressed, an alcoholic, addicted to porn, distant, etc. He carried an incredible amount of guilt. And it almost drove me to the breaking point.

No, you can NOT just go on like nothing happened. It's very unfair to him to even suggest it.

I ask you to read the book Torn Asunder, especially the chapters on whether or not to tell. If you are convinced that it's okay, go for it. I don't think you will be however, and I know you won't have real intimacy in your marriage. You can't have intimacy in a marriage built on lies.

You are also much more likely to have another affair if you don't disclose this one, and work thru the problems that contributed to it.

Good luck.

I'm not one of the ones who said you must tell, I won't make that judgement call. HOWEVER...you seem pretty sure he won't find out...yet, your emotions are pretty raw themselves...he may put two and two together and come up with the answer. You're using the computer...one of the biggest mistakes that betrayers make, it's amazing how often an affair is discovered because of computer usage.

He's likely to notice that you will no longer talk to this OM/friend. He is going to be suspicious if for no other reason then the timing of all this. Yes, you may be able to put his suspicion to rest, but right now, he's feeling something is wrong. This period of "maybe knowing" and yet "not knowing for sure" is a very confusing time for the BS. They think they are going nuts. He wants to believe in you...but his actions since your return are speaking something else...as are yours.

You say you can resume MC and not tell...well, you may possible be correct. BUT...how are you two going to work on a marriage, when your H doesn't know what is going on? Sure, you can complain how he isn't attentive enough, but is that really the issue? Can you fully explain your needs without explaining just how far his not meeting them has taken? And if the MC doesn't know the whole story, how can he/she help guide you? Or do you plan to tell the MC the truth, but not your H?

I doubt that you will find a lot of WS here who either did not confess or were busted. I am sure there are tons of them out there, but they don't come to an internet board for support, they keep their dark secret locked and hidden away. Or they continue on their path of betrayals because that is what life style they desire.

I do commend you for looking for help that is the first step in the right direction.

One of the added benefits of confession is the release of your own guilt. You can move into remorse. (Guilt is all about self...remorse is making changes and reparations.) Another is that when rebuilding a marriage, it often becomes a much improved marriage. Not because of the betrayal, but because of the hard work each of you put into rebuilding.

One of the main disadvantages is the pain that confession brings to the one who has been injuried. There is no doubt that this is a major consideration. It should never be done lightly or without considerable thought. But often it isn't about sparing someone else pain that is the major factor of keeping dark secrets...it's covering our own @$$. Make very sure that if you don't tell...it's for HIS sake...not you own.

bjayfly:

I had 2 jump in here. Please understand that I mean all the best for you, your H, and your M in what I say:

"I hear everyone on the forum loud and clear that I should tell my husband about my A."

You should tell your H about your A.

"However, I am not sure that I can bring myself to cause him that pain."

My W didn't want 2 cause me pain either. And what happened? Well, she had an A for about 3 years that started 11 years ago. OMW found out, made OM move their family 2 another job and another state and promise not 2 see my W ever again. I didn't find out then. 2 years ago, my W felt dissatisfied with our M again and hired RM (OM's 2long-implanted "initials") 2 do some consulting for her. Then their EA resumed via email. Then their PA recurred once when they met out of state. I found out by accident. My W wasn't going 2 tell me. I had an IC that told me that he advises his clients that had As but their spouses didn't know, not 2 tell them. I am no longer going 2 that IC. I have no respect for that kind of thinking. I was cheated on 2ice and would have been kept in the dark indefinitely without an oppor2nity 2 enjoy the bond of M 2 its fullest for the rest of my life if I hadn't found out about the A when I did. How did I react? Well, I'm still M'd, and though we're still struggling with recovery, we're having a more rewarding M than we have in... ...well, at least 12 years now.

"I think I am strong enough to seek therapy and repair our marriage without him knowing about the affair. We have been in MC before and going back would not be suspicious to him."

So you would choose 2 continue 2 lie 2 him? That's exactly what you'd be doing. Doesn't sound rewarding. And it won't be.

"I really feel like there has to be SOMEONE out there who has had an A, paid the price and moved on to have a healthy marriage after counseling."

I think there are probably plenty of people that have done this (with the exception of the "healthy marriage" part), probably mainly because there are enough irresponsible counselors out there that would condone such assinine behavior. Don't go there!

"If so, I would love to talk to you..."

2 what end? Mutual support society of liars? Don't go there.

"If my husband NEVER finds out what is the harm?"

The harm is already well under way. Do you ac2ally believe that you're a good enough actress that he'll never so much as "sense" that something is wrong? And even if you are, can YOU live with the knowledge that you're a liar and a cheat? And you've robbed your H of his RIGHT 2 CHOOSE his own fu2re?

"I already know I could never do this again..."

That is a healthy START. But the fact is, that without your H's support, you very definitely COULD do this again. Maybe even "will".

"Why is it SO necessary that he feel the pain that I caused?????? He told me to never tell him if I had an A, and to live with the guilt and pain myself so how could he blame me later(for not telling) if he found out, which I am 95% sure he wouldn't.."

This is pitiful.

Look, this forum is great in that it enables people that would otherwise probably never meet 2 share ideas and support each other with a genuine desire 2 rebuild their marriages. Speaking for myself, I can hear a lot of my W's concerns in what you are saying here. I hope you don't feel like I'm attacking you. My harsh words are harsh because I truly believe it takes someone not "close 2 the problem" that doesn't know you, but has experienced what you're describing, 2 get through the fog and offer REAL HELP.

bjayfly, you're a human being, deserving a happy life. But so is your H. True happiness will be impossible without complete honesty between you. Even if your H once said he'd rather not know, please understand that living like that will be no less than miserable. Do you want 2 be miserable for the rest of your life?

All my best 2 you and your H!

I just told him and he is devastated. He didn't do what I expected...kick me out, yell at me etc..He just kept telling me that he couldn't believe that his love wasnt enough for me not to stray. He said, " how could I have possibly loved you anymore? I love you more than I love myself...how could you bring another man into our bedroom? How could someone that loves me betray me like this? I took the approach of radical honesty and he is in so much pain. I don't feel any better for telling him. I almost wish I wouldn;t have. He is such a strong man. He even went so far as to comfort ME at one point. I feel like I can;t make it through this. I just want him to hold me and tell me it will all be okay. If he gives me a chance, I will be the wife he deserves. Strange that I had to hit bottom to realize the problems I have with myself and how much my H means to me...Any reassuring words would do me a world of good right now..I can't possibly cry anymore than i have tonight.

bjayfly,
Hi. I am the BS of a FWH. On DDay I busted the #2 A. After agreement to go to an MC, our MC told my then WH to be totally honest and confess all former transgressions so that we could now build a healthy M., based on honesty and truth. So, the next day after Dday, I got the double whammy. A confession about an A fifteen years ago with a co-worker out of town. He did think that what I didn't know would not hurt me. Wrong. It not only hurt me in ways no on would ever know, but it killed him. I always suspected big time, but never was given confirmation. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Still hurts more than any pain I have ever known. But I cannot tell you the toll it has taken on our M. After reading Torn Asunder I now understand that his fifteen years of keeping his secret shame and guilt has kept him at arms length from me. He has been afraid to be intimate with me and to truly let me into his soul. All because he was hiding the ugly secret of shame. He became a major drinker and depressed and withdrawn, all factors that lead to, you guessed it, another A.

Since confession, there has been true pain, hurt, chest-pounding, crying and all that goes with it, but there also has been a love and a closeness we have never known. He has let down all the walls of defense. He is a free man. His albotross has flown. Yes, my pain has been increased, but the flood of love and relief that we both have experienced because of the honesty and openness has been more than worth it.

We cannot tell you what to do. But the burden of the deep dark secret, I am afraid, will make you retreat and protect your vulnerable self and you will never give true and open love to your H, or will let him love you, the way you deserve. Honesty and truth will always be the only way that I can reccommend, no matter what the consequenses. The authentic M can only happen with authentic people. It has to be real, or there will always be something missing. God bless you and give you strength and faith to do your best for your M. I wish you the best.

bjayfly:

I am so proud of you!!! And I'm proud of your H!!! Really. He's apparently reacted almost exactly the way that I did when I found out.

Look, there's no denying that this will be very hard for both of you. But it's quite clear at the same time that your love for each other is strong, because neither of you walked out. There may be times when one or the other of you might feel like giving up after this, but the simple fact that he didn't want 2 quit after being told is the one thing that can sustain you through the rough months ahead.

Get yourselves in2 GOOD counseling (preferably with one of the Harleys). Be aware that there are a lot of "not so good" counselors out there. (Ac2ally, though the Harley's are more expensive by the hour than most of these, they are more EFFICIENT, and you'll save money - and your M - in the long run!).

bjayfly, my hat is off 2 you! All my best 2 you and your H.

BJF,

I have been around this forum for about 8 months. The kindness and generosity of the people who come here have been lifesavers. Like 2long says; we all don't know each other, but share in ways I'm don't think we could if we did know each other. We are all students and teachers of each other, we come for understanding and support.

Become an expert at meeting your husband most important emotional needs. What are they? I didn't know either before my husband and I filled out the questionnaires found on this website. Don't push your husband to do it at this time. You take the initiative to do the work to repair your marriage.

Steve Harley can coach you on making a specific recovery plan for your marriage. I honesty didn't start to heal until my husband presented me with his plan that SH coached him through. It has made ALL the difference in the world to me/us/our marriage.

You will be surprised to see how much you have to learn. Once you and your husband have started processing the pain, the rewards are limitless! Blessings, CSue

bjayfly,

I'm very proud of what you've done too! Now you can concentrate on your M your H and you.

Counseling can really help both of you get through this.

There is so much to learn from here too. And so many people ready to help and cheer you both on.

Good luck and my prayers to you both.

S&C