I have a question. I've heard that a betrayed spouse, once they have the truth revealed to them.. will go through the same grieving process as a person goes through when someone they love dies.

My question is: what are the stages? what is the order?

I understand that these stages must be gone through before a person can even begin recovery. Is this correct? Please offer insight if anyone knows what I'm talking about. (I'm not even sure I do! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

Thanks everyone...

BB,

The stages of grief are pretty much the same for any loss... I'm sorry but I don't know them off the top of my head and have not searched the net for them.. I'm sure they are out there.

What I wanted to respond about is that if a WS is not turely in love with the OP there will be no grieving. My H had absolutely no feelings of loss when he ended his affairs. Only a feeling of relief that he his self made nightmare was over and that I had not kicked him out on his behind.

Stages of greiving. Not for sure that the bargaining stage fits and the level of guilt stage tends to be less as we pretty much know who the guilty party is, but the rest do. As you go through the stages, they will overlap and be a combination of more then one. You may not suffer them in order, but I think you'll see that many fit what the BS goes through.

1. Denial and Shock
At first, it may be difficult for you to accept your own dying or the death of a loved one. As a result you will deny the reality of death. However, this denial will gradually diminish as you begins to express and share your feelings about death and dying with others

2. Anger
During this stage the most common question asked is "why me?". You are angry at what you perceive to be the unfairness of death and you may project and displace your anger unto others. When given some social support and respect, you will eventually become less angry and able to move into the next stage of grieving.

3. Bargaining
Many try to bargain with some sort of diety. They probably try to bargain and offer to give up an enjoyable part of their lives in exchange for the return of health or the lost person.

4. Guilt
You may find yourself feeling guilty for things you did or didn't do prior to the loss. Forgive yourself. Accept your humanness.

5. Depression
You may at first experience a sense of great loss. Mood fluctuations and feelings of isolation and withdrawal may follow. It takes time for you, the grieving person, to gradually return to your old self and become socially involved in what's going on around you.
Please note that encouragement and reassurance to the bereaved person will not be helpful in this stage.

6. Loneliness
As you go through changes in your social life because of the loss, you may feel lonely and afraid. The more you are able to reach out to others and make new friends, the more this feeling lessens.

7. Acceptance
Acceptance does not mean happiness. Instead you accept and deal with the reality of the situation.

8. Hope
Eventually you will reach a point where remembering will be less painful and you can begin to look ahead to the future and more good times.

JAW--

Thank you, that was what I was looking for. I was trying to figure out the stages that I, as a BW, could expect to go thru.

H is not in withdrawal, he already went thru it alone, I can see that now. The A ended about two years ago. Now I can look back, I remember he seemed really sad and lost about 40 lbs. He quit seeing OW right before our baby was born... but then did see her one more time when our daughter was about 5 mos old. He claims, they just kissed that night, but they were together for several hours (other co-workers were there), they met in a bar. It makes me sad that he couldn't talk to me about it, that he put him and us through all that.

This is the hardest thing I 've ever done in my life. It's hard for me to see what stage I'm in...
I don't think I ever dealt with denial.. since I had *known* for sooo long. More like "I KNEW IT!" was what I felt. I think the anger stage has pretty much passed ... (with the exception of a few 'flare-ups'..I haven't done much bargaining, well maybe a little. Does,,, "why?" and "only if..." count?? Sometimes I feel if I can explain to him and me why it should't have happened, I can make it go away. I am definately DEEP into Guilt, Depression, and Loneliness... Mostly the last two. The guilt part is more like "why couldn't he love me enough to not do this?? what's wrong with me??" I know I have to accept this to deal with this.... I can't imagine ever feeling Hope. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Sometimes, I think there is no way that I will ever be able to climb out of this deep dark hole.. sometimes I wonder if it's even worth the effort. I can't imagine ever feeling really happy, or alive again. Or ever feeling secure and cherished in his love, a part of me knows he loves me... but I don't trust his love. Does that make sense??

Will this ever happen?? How long does this take??

What can H do to help me?? He's willing to do anything,, he keeps asking my what I want him to do, what I want from him... and I don't know.

I don't have the vaguest idea what he can do to help me. He could have never cheated on me in the first place... but he did. So now what??

<small>[ November 14, 2002, 07:41 AM: Message edited by: Baby Blue ]</small>