Hiya and long time no see....,

Well you know if I show up.. there's something wrong. What.. I do this about every 6 months or so?

Here I sit, wondering what the hell I'm doing. My wife is in Dallas, the affair appears to be over and she no longer lives with the OM. She is living with her Ex-MIL from her first marriage. I opted for her to move here when she decided with the help of her counselor and social worker to leave the OM. The ex-MIL is a good lady and the grandmother to my two step children. C and D are still here in Houston with me. I finally moved out of my parents home in August into an apartment, to which I can't even pay for. About the only good news I have is that I finally was asked to take the civil servants test for HPD in October and ranked 44 out of 540 other people. Now I'm going through the hiring process with the department and am one of 15 individuals they are trying to select for the 10 remaining positions for the December Academy. I was working as a temp for an agency and my assignment ended this week....so essentially I'm unemployed again until another '$10.00' an hour position comes open.

I still talk to my W everyday for the most part. Its always small talk, as friends, and I regret not going to Plan B at anytime during the nearly 4 years the affair lasted. I don't feel like I have closure, and I feel like I'm ready to move on without her, although I still love her very much. The OM is as I always knew would, still bothering her and playing his sick games with her.

I told her tonight that I miss her and love her still very much, not knowing if its because I'm so alone, or whether I actually am. I know at one point in time she DID complete me and I know that since she began the affair, that I have felt incomplete. She always captivated me and even four years later, I still want her, or at least what we had.

We were suppose to start over in January, until she moved in with her ex-mil. Now I don't know where we stand. She told me that she would have come back here to Houston, except that she has alot of issues with things in her past sexually, before she ever married her first husband. She doesn't know what to do about the lack of intimacey that she says she would feel if she and I tried to get back together.

I don't know what to tell her, except that I love her and I am still willing to work this through. Part of me is ready to move on.. because I'm so very alone, and the other part of me wants to just go to her in Dallas.

I wish I could get over the humps that I am stuck inbetween and wish that there was something that I FEEL I could do to resolve things.

Before any of the new members jump on this thread, please understand that there have been VERY extenuating circumstances about this affair, that have caused me not to move on. Please feel to research my past threads and then comment. My friends here, and you all know who you are, please take a few minutes and think about what you know about the last four years and my W and I, the OM and all 5 of the boys. The baby is getting big.. as well are C and D.

I feel like I'm still standing still...still in shock about my life and what has happened.

:*(

So interesting how there's this group of us that ebb and flow around here... come in with the tide... go out with it and sail around a little while, and then come back in... never actually leaving... but not staying either.

Gee, I'm feeling whistful tonight, eh?

I don't know what to tell you, except maybe that you're only the most patient man on the planet - no wait, that's K, but you're in the top 5.

Are you even really asking for advice? I think you've got this plan, and you're living it, although I wonder how sometimes. Most would have given up long ago. You are either the most stubborn man, or you really do love her, you know?

Nice to see you, but sorry it's because of this stuff... wish I could send ya a bag of money too, but I'm just plain out.

Take care, formerly empty (and stonehenge before that, weren't you?).

NB,

Yes.. (smiling) I was stonehenge too.. I haven't seen that name in a long time either. I still am very empty, in this limbo of what is my next move, as it ALWAYS has been.

Am I looking for advice? Yes. I really don't know what to do. I missed many opportunities to Plan B, not knowing what the outcome would be.. being that I was scared for her and didn't want to just right out abandon her to the arms of the pyschopath OM.

Now that she has told him its over.. although he still see's the baby in the presence of her and another adult for the most part, they are never alone from what I know.

I guess the not really knowing where she is at makes it difficult for me to make any steps. I'm more reactionary than preventative... So I don't know.

Thank you for repling. (Waving to K)

Well, here's my thought (and point too, I guess)... most people would come here, and if they did do that search you suggest, would come away with the freakiest story ever... <dare I mention the magic marker? God, that *still* creeps me right out>... and most people would tell you to let go, because the situation is so bizarre in so many ways. Am I right?

So you ask for advice, and here's mine: She needs a man like you, but I don't know that she'll EVER realize it. I think she loves you, always has, but that there's a nugget of something inside her that is mentally ill. I don't say that in a judgemental or harsh way. I think she's very damaged.

God Bless you for hanging tight... and I mean that... but to me... I think you'll be hanging for a long, long time, even still. I don't think she knows how to let go.

NB,

Thankyou. Don't know what I can take from it, but I'll come back and read it when I'm not so upset and I'm sure I can get something from your posting. I don't think your being harsh and judgemental. I know that looking in from the outside things have to look horrible. I wish I could see it sometimes. I don't think that she is mentally ill, just very unsure of herself and what she is worth to me. Maybe I'm wrong about how she feels about herself, but I feel like she's lost. She has shown me so much improvement in the last month that it confuses me. I guess that's why I'm revisiting my plans of what I am doing.

Why? God I wish I knew.

NB,

Sorry, I guess that sounded horrible. I really do appreciate you and the time that you took to respond to me.. this time and all the times before. Call me in denial? I hear what your saying.. but its not registering with me just yet. You have always offered wonderful advice and I appreciate it. Thank you again.

Dear H2y,

You are at yet another set of crossroads and yes, those WS have a way of just twisting our tender hearts. It is soo easy for me to bash your W but that is not why you are here. You can easily do the same to my Xws? Hm.....
and I wouldn't blame you 1 bit.

Getting over that, those attempted comebacks by the WS those feable steps that make us instantly think - RECOVERY or at least HOPE are what sets us in a tailspin.

H2Y, you have been there before. We (mbers) have been each other's helping hand. Let us help you steady the tide and let not the waves of emotion becloud reality.

I know you have beautiful sons, you are a handsome man and your W (though I haven't seen her). I hear she is beautiful and so very fortunate to have a loving H like U. But we can't live on love.....not the kind that goes down a 1 way street. You deserve to give and receive in this area. We all do. That is why it breaks my heart to see you in such pain.

The shoulder here is a bit short, you know that I am not that tall ( LOL!!!) but if all us here at MB put our shoulders together, we can help you through this time. When the time comes that your W is ready for her family, you will let her know if you are.

For now, consider her in therapy. She can't have many visitors and aclamating to a normal life routine is not possible for her right now. Maybe one day but not now. Can you see it that way? Does it make it easier?

Let us know.

Aloha bro.
L.

L,

Thanks. I guess in putting what you and NB said together.. I just need to keep doing what I've been doing and that is taking care of the boys and I.

I don't know why I'm so emotional today, maybe it was all the sun in the last 2 days off.. or maybe the 12 mile bike ride, loosened up some emotions... (remembering emotional lows after lots of physical assertion in my past and coming down from the physical high of endorphens).

Which ever it is I don't like crying. I've been doing so good lately and I have alot to be proud of.. just not today. I'm pretty stressed about my situation again.. as to the added stress of the hiring process. I'm nervous and scared about missing this opportunity back into law enforcement, again. This time will most likely be my last attempt and the thought of my life long goals are quickly ending or beginning as I sit here. I guess I'm also wondering what comes next; with me, with her, the boys, and my endless trouble with my career path. Where to go next? I don't have the slightest clue. I'm truly scared about the next step, which will most likely be being alone, and making the steps alone, into being more single than I am now and starting over.

Thank you L.. we need to catch up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi H2Y,

I am really happy for you about the HPD prospects. I soooo hope it works out for you. My heart goes out to you and your family. You have been agonizing about this for so long. It's amazing how much the human spirit can stand. Thank goodness the children have you. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that your W continues to improve.

Glad you checked in. Keep on keeping on. Take care.

Estes

Congratulations on your test. I still come and go here. D-day was 8/01 for us. I was the BW.

I think you really sound great. There is nothing more appealing to a woman than a successful man. Sounds like you are going in the right direction. Keep working on you, she will wake up.

Is she getting any counseling? I followed your story a little, and it sounds like she is still in a little fog. Be strong. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I would do as much Plan A as possible if the A is now over. Does anyone out there think he should do a Plan B at this point to wake her up?

Oh H2Y!!!! ((((((((( h2y )))))))))

I'm so sorry that you are still on this emotional roller coaster ride. I am too.... but I've decided to get off, b/c it hurts TOO MUCH to stay on. I'm now on an unknown countdown, as I wait for word on a new house to move into (geared to income).

The definition of insanity, is "doing the same things over and over again, expecting a different result each time". Are you creating an insane pattern? Are you willing to break it? Or are you willing to stay where you are, and continue to hope that your W will change?

I think I know some of what you're feeling. And it mostly amounts to fear... fear of the unknown. I never planned on being a single parent either, but you know what? That doesn't mean it can't be done. And I know I'll be just fine. I also know that you've been doing just fine too. Your boys have always been taken care of.

I'm thinking that you need to find a way to detatch from your W, emotionally. Start with the baby steps... perhaps not talking to her every day is a start? How about every other day for a few weeks? and then make the conversations less frequent? You're only getting crumbs from her in those talks. You're not getting what you NEED, but you're accepting all you can get. I don't think that's a healthy stance to stay in.... as you've been in it for SO LONG now.

It's so easy for me to say that you should do this and that and the next thing, b/c I'm not the one living your life. My suggestions are based on my current life and lessons. For me, I had a few "lightbulb moments" in recent weeks that have gotten me out of this fog of my own (denial, enabling, co-addict, etc). I can't say what it was that made me see it, but I do think it had something to do with my set boundaries, and that my H crossed them - again. Only THIS time, I'm following through with actions.

Keep us posted with how you're doing.

Karen

Hey Bro,

Long time no see man. Glad you stopped in. We've missed you aroud here.

Hmmm...Kev, I really can't give much advice on this. I would like to be able to tell you to stay the course. But I cannot tell you that. You deserve so much more than the same ole same ole. I fear that is what you will get if you continue on as you have.

I would like nothing more than to tell you to go to Plan B post haste, now, today, this very hour even. But I cannot in good conscience advise that either. I know how you feel. The fear of being alone for the rest of your life, or even a short while. I remember that fear. The anguish of still loving your wife and even considering losing her through Plan B and possibly divorce. That feeling sucks big time.

I suppose what I wish to say could be taken more towards the latter. The choice to be with her family again(you), rests solely with your wife. You can do all the work, all the plans in the world, but in the end you have no say in the matter. Your wife has to want to come home, has to want to be with you. There isn't one damn thing you can do if she continuely refuses. The only possible recourse is to eventually show her what a mistake she has made. She may never think that way either.

I hope you don't think any of this is harsh. It certianly is not meant in that light. It's just that I feel your agony and it distresses my soul. You really do deserve better.

God bless

Jerry

Hey!! You sure DON'T need to apologize to me. I know you (as much as you can know someone on this blasted machine) and I know what a sweet guy you are. Don't worry if you're feeling blue and simply don't want to 'go' where I'm going with my reply.

Listen, all I know is you were here back in the day, and I used to read your stuff and gasp. It seemed to me, and still does, that your situation is worse than most. The OM was insane - not just a typical OM who's a user and a cheat - but a real live INSANE person. The fact that your wife allowed him to do some of the things he did makes me think that just maybe she is in the same headspace (or was at the time) or... maybe... she has some mental issues.

What exactly is your wife saying THESE DAYS about you guys? Is the baby with you - I don't remember names, so forgive me. Is either of you paying child support to the other? What are her plans? What are yours?

Sorry for all the questions... I'm trying to understand.

Hiya H2U- I am glad you posted, but sorry to hear it is rough right now.. it is hard not to have enough money! YOu will make it, I know you will! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Keep your chin up and keep marching on... don't give up! YOu can win!

I think your w is one lucky woman to have you standing by her for this long. I think the two of you are likely to have a sweet ending. I think you must really love her and be a good hearted family man.

Congrats on the apartment, you will make it! Just do whatever you have to do... if you don't have work... hey it seems you are good with kids... maybe you can babysit? You might want to slap me for that one.... sorry. Just get creative, there are always yards to mow, some kind of work to do... Hey I even need a handy man if you are available for Cypress area? Not suer that you would care, but I am overwhelmed with men's work around here! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I hope things get happier and you start to feel better! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It is the ebb and flow of the thing...

I cry some days, some days I am happy and wonder where that came from??? I have loved my h a long long time, and people think I am nuts! Truly , to hang on and wait... I do thinjk there is something really good in giving it your absolute all.

If it doesn't work out, you will know you did your very very best... so keep giving it that. Be there for her when she needs you. She needs time to be over the om, before she comes home... when she comes home you want it to be right.

Hugs to you. I wish you great luck with hpd.. we need some good men out there! So you have been a policeman before?

Take care of you and the boys that are with you. Do you get up to see the baby much?

Hugs, HONEY

wow.. Just got caught up on all this.. I'll let it soak.. then tell you about my wonderful weekend in Dallas.