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#1040023 11/14/02 01:14 AM
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I confessed to the affair with my exbf and it was so very hard. My H is devastated and doesn't understand how I could do this to him. I feel like I am sinking and fighting for air. I cant imagine what he feels and the inexplicable pain I have caused. And for what? The affirmation that the exbf still holds a flame for me? I am still amazed by my weakness in the face of my marriage. He kept asking why my marriage and his love wasn't important enough to walk away from temptation. He is blaming himself for letting me go on this trip. How long does it usually take before the WS gets over the pain and shock of what I just told him? I know that recovery will be a long process, but I need to know where I stand.. I feel so lost.

#1040024 11/14/02 01:34 AM
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U both need to get to counseling quick. Give him the book surviving an affair. Both of you read it together. Direct him to the concepts section above. It may help.

How long? Well some say twice as long as the A. Not a real hard figure though but a guide of sorts. Don't plan by it. It really is up to both your attitudes. The better the attitude, the quicker the healing.

Be prepared for his anger.....it is warranted. Understand that and it will be easier to handle but it will always seem hard. Does that make sense? Not all of it does.....read, get counseling and post.

take care,
L.

#1040025 11/14/02 01:46 AM
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Hopefully for the last few days you've been reading up on this site...start using some of the material.

It's going to take a while. The healing process is individual and no one can give you a time schedule.

I'd like to give you a little advice for what would have helped me if my H had done when I found out.

First...know that the truth is the most powerful weapon you have to fight with. Do NOT lie. If he asks a question...answer honestly but with kindness and thought....(ie...Yes..we went to "x" hotel...NO..we broke the bed.) Do NOT give him any details that he doesn't ask for. Do NOT keep saying I'm sorry after the first few days, it becomes a meanless phrase. Be careful what you say, THINK before talking. Do NOT just go from off the top of your head. Make sure you know exactly what he is saying...and then respond.

Know that he's emotions are in a riot. He will jump from one emotion to another in a split second...(ie. crying to rage then back again).

If he allows you...keep in close physical nearness to him. Hug him, hold him while he cries, tell him how much you love him and that you take ALL responsiblity for what you did. Do NOT bring up any of his short-comings at this point. It will only make him feel as if you are trying to blame him...(even if valid). Reassure him that he did NOTHING to make this happen.

Good Luck.

#1040026 11/14/02 03:52 AM
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Orcid is right; get help in navigating the aftermath.

Seek counseling; get help.

I would strongly recommend Janis Spring's "After the Affair".

#1040027 11/14/02 07:04 AM
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Why not bring your H here to this site so that we can give both of you some support. My H and I did that shortly after d-day (discovery day). We both participated here and it helped us tremendously.

Shortly after d-day, my H told me that he caused the harm to it is now his is his responsibility to help me heal. Those words mean so much to me.

#1040028 11/14/02 07:11 AM
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How long to get over it? Sorry, but the statistics say about 2 years. It depends on the length of the affair also. It's a gradual process. With counseling, your remorse, lots of reading, etc. it will help. Good luck. Give him lots of support and answer anything he wants to know.

#1040029 11/14/02 08:15 AM
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bjfly,

What you have just done (confessing)takes so much strength and courage. When it all hurts so much, remember that you wanted to tell your H about your affair to try to begin to rebuild the trust and honesty in your marriage, because you love him. That, and even though he is devastated right now, at least you don't have to live with the anxiety of wondering if he knows.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He kept asking why my marriage and his love wasn't important enough to walk away from temptation. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This has to be a hard question to hear. When he asks this, be very careful about your response. In the beginning, I was in some sort of selfish mode where I kept rationalizing my affair and blaming other people for my behaviour. My standard answer to this question now is that I simply wasn't smart enough at the time to stop things and walk away. It is no one's fault but my own that I didn't walk away from temptation. But that's just how I answer the question. You may want to tell your H that you do love him, and this marriage is important enough to you that you needed to confess this affair to him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He is blaming himself for letting me go on this trip. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is a natural response. Make sure you let him know that it is not his fault, it was your choice to go, and your choice to have the affair. Perhaps the faster you own up to your actions, the faster he will see your remorse.

How long does recovery take? It all depends on the situation, and on you and your H. I've heard that "twice as long as the affair" statistic too, but if that were true, my marriage would already be recovered, and yours would be in about a week. I don't think that's very accurate.

The worst part about "recovery" is that it is going to take a lot of patience, and watching your H in pain, and suffering through a lot of his negative emotions too. Be patient, be reassuring, be remorseful, and make it clear to your H that your number one priority is him and your marriage, and that you will do anything to save it. Make it clear through all of your words and your actions that you love your H. If he is willing to go to see a marriage counselor, by all means go.

Several people have recommended books for you to read. Surviving an Affair is good, Torn Asunder is good, After the Affair is good. My biggest need in the beginning was to understand WHY I went and had an affair when I thought I loved my H so much. All that reading, going to see a counselor, coming to MB and posting and reading, and writing in a journal really helped me to process the whole mess in my mind.

Again, good for you that you confessed. That took a LOT of courage.

I wish you well in these next few days, which will be very difficult indeed. As someone who has pretty much been where you are, I really want to encourage you to be patient and not give up.

Take care,

Jen

#1040030 11/14/02 09:14 AM
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BJF,

Time for me to post here. First of all I commend you for the courage it took tell your husband.You have guts and have given your marriage a great gift.

As you can see in my sig. line my husband told me about his affair 3/02. However it occurred in 1998 and lasted 4 months, to the best of his memory. Would I have found out about it otherwise? Maybe not. He simply sat me down and told me what happened. Prior to his disclosure I would never have guessed an affair possible in our marriage.

There were some unexplained emotions on his part, and things he did that were out of character in 1998. The burden of his guilt came out in unconscious ways. If this makes any sense at all; he took it out on me (blamed me) for the affair and the need to cover it up (therefore his guilt). It was he// for quite awhile, partly because he LIVED with the dishonesty for so long. I felt that the past 4 years of our life has been a lie. The dishonesty and his ability to carry out the deceit over such a long period of time added tremendously to my pain and feeling of betrayal.

I am SO grateful that he told me about the affair. Our relationship wasn't that great, it was OK, comfortable - etc; however we didn't have that "connection" I'd seen other couples display.

With what we've learned as a result of his honesty and betrayal, is priceless. He felt relief immediately upon telling me on one hand; yet on the other hand he felt horrible to see how much pain this has caused me.

It has redefined me. With the level of honesty we now share, we have the opportunity to fine-tune how we meet each other's emotional needs. There's nothing we don't talk about, nothing is too minor since we are committed to becoming EXPERTS at meeting each other's emotional needs. We have also learned what each other's love busters are, and we each work hard on avoiding the words/actions that cause the other unhappiness.

Now we are in the process of learning Policy of Joint Agreement which teaches how to resolve conflict in marriages in a healthy way. Almost at the end of our coaching sessions with Steve Harley, we are about to become each other's coach.

None of this could have happened had my husband not had the decency to tell me about his affair. Interestingly we find that more of my emotional needs weren't being met; and he is working hard at making sure they are met now. Healthy ways to channel all the negative energy he generated over the years of dishonesty have paid off.

I am grateful that he doesn't have to carry the burden of his secret. It was killing him. And although it hasn't been a picnic for me in the beginning; the recovery is making up for all the initial pain.

Dishonesty only gets worse over time, and we both wish we could have that time back. Blessings, CSue

#1040031 11/14/02 09:54 AM
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BJAYFLY

I have followed your posts closely. First off, I applaud you for the having the fortitude, the courage, and integrity to disclose this to your husband. I literally began to cry when I was reading your account of it. I cried you for because of your pain in having known that you have betrayed your husband (and yourself) and the pain and hurt it causes both of you, and I cried for your husband because I know exactly how I felt when my wife told me about her affairs.

Of course he did not do what you thought he would. Most people don't do what they think they would do when faced with the reality of an affair in their own relationship. He is in such a whirlwind of emotions right now. His love for you, his hurt, and his anger are all swarming around inside of him. I too comforted my W many times as she cried in pain over her regrets and I thought it was so ironic that the hurt party was actually consoling the offending party. I didn't understand it, but I do know it is normal. It's part of the compassion that loves brings to the table. A part of us still wants to love the betrayer so much, despite the pain we feel. He loves you, he knows that. He will be trying to sort out this thing for a long time. Be prepared for the roller coaster ride of emotions as he fluctuates from defensive bravado, to tender vulnerability, to expressions of great love, and expressions of resentment and anger. It will go all over the place.

There are so many very good MBers in here that can give you wonderful advice and guidance. I like the one where they encourage you to have your H join in this forum and both of you do mutual recovery through a good counselor and through MB. Believe me, I thought my situation was bad until I started reading other stories of from BS's and WS's.(Just look at BetrayedByMyBestFriend's Story - it kills you)

It really helps to read and share your stories and growing pains with others in this like situation. I don't have anything to add that you haven't already gotten from other more sage and experienced MBers already. I just wanted to lend you my support and congratulations on taking this first step towards real recovery and healing.

Sorry about the harsh tone in some of the postings you see here but nothing drives us more insane than evasiveness and fog-filled rationalizations. We all mean well though. We just like to deal with reality and honesty and truth. Bjayfly, it may not seem like it right now, but the worst is over in some ways. You can't destroy a monster if it is not visible. Now that it is out on the open it can be dealt with. I hope that you find yourself continually amazed at the capacity for your husband to stay with you and work this out. He will be reaching deep inside himself and go to places within himself that have laid dormant for years or have never been touched at all. Believe it or not, as much I loathed D-Day, it actually sent me off on a path of self-discovery and growth that I have grown to appreciate. I am a wiser, stronger, more mature, more sensible, and a more aware person than I was back in March of this year. I actually like who I am now more than I did back then. For me, it was ultimately a positive life-altering event, and it can be that way for you and your husband too.

I will keep looking for your postings. I wish you both luck and I send off a prayer to you!

<small>[ November 14, 2002, 10:46 AM: Message edited by: Blind Sided ]</small>

#1040032 11/14/02 10:43 AM
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Bjayfly,

It seems sort of odd to be "congratulated" for confessing an affair doesn't it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But they truely are in order. You have done a very good thing. But, please realize that these "congratulations" tell you something about the topsy turvy world you have just entired. There will be times you are more hurt than your H, and he comforts you. There will be times when he is more hurt and you comfort him.

He may take more responsibility for this than you, then you might.

That is why this is often referred to as the roller coaster ride.

You asked </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How long does recovery take? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you are lucky you will get the rest of your life to recover with him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> My personal guess will be about 6 months before you both feel like you are getting on solid footing and a year or two before you both realize that this might well be the catalyst you marriage needed to make it a great one. The affair won't make it great, but how you two respond surely can.

I don't want to be nosey, but how did you go about telling him and what were the circumstances around it? Did you just walk in the door and say: Hi Honey, I had an affair? Or did he make another comment about the affair?

It is often useful to know how these events transpired so that responses can be better suited to your situation.

Hang in there Bjayfly, this will get better and you both will learn a great deal about yourselves. It may not feel like it now but you have done a good thing in telling him.

God Bless,

JL

#1040033 11/14/02 11:03 AM
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bjayfly remember that you are not alone. We are here for you for any support you may need during this tremendously hard time in your life. I hope that once your H regains some emotional balance, that you will let him know about this great website so that he too can use it to help his healing on the road to marital recovery.

God bless and may he grant you and your H peace.

<small>[ November 14, 2002, 11:05 AM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

#1040034 11/14/02 11:08 AM
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Wow! You've just done a very courageous action. Not everyone has the ability to do what you just did, you should be proud of yourself for this action.(Hard to do amidst the chaos now, but important none the less)

#1040035 11/15/02 12:58 AM
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It MIGHT get worse before it gets better..BUT GOD BLESS YOU for telling the truth...This is where you begin to realize how much you REALLY love your H..How do you feel about your old BF now? Different than before the confession, huh?

You have .by telling your H, actually treated him with some repsect. Not much consolation in that, I Know,but you have taken a step ion the right direction...I'll pray for you...and for your h.
Remember what everyone here says ,too..It's GOOD for him to come here..and be VERY careful what you say.THIS is the time to say what you mean and mean what you say..

#1040036 11/14/02 07:34 PM
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bjayfly ... as terrible as you and your H might feel right now, things will get better if you want them to be and if you both work very hard. I wish you and Mr. bjayfly the best as you get through this difficult time.

#1040037 11/14/02 10:28 PM
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This is so much harder than I could have ever imagined. Thanks so much to all of you for your kind words of support and encouragement. I want so badly to believe that this is all just a bad dream. His moods vascillate so much that I wonder if I can handle the emotional beatings. I realize that this is selfish, but I feel so weak, vulnerable and depressed. While he is visualizing me with the OM, I am visualizing me in an apartment staring into an abyss of depression. What the hell was I thinking?? What if he can't get past this and leaves me?? I wish I had the clarity then that i have now. I wish I realized my own weakness sooner and asked my husband to help me through it. We have MC on Monday and I feel like I am not going to make it until then. I don't want to be around him because I see the anguish and disgust on his face when he looks at me. He has been reading my postings and all of your responses so maybe it will help. He thinks all this " failure to meet emotional needs" business is SH&T. He thinks that it shifts the blame on the BS and isn't fair. Is it possible to not really understand what EN aren't being met when a person cheats? I have my suspicions as to why I did it, but I am still so confused. Thanks again to all of you wonderful people for the support through this tumultuous time. BJF

#1040038 11/14/02 11:22 PM
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That is fantastic! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I was hoping you would tell him. I didn't tell my wife of EA for over a year. She knew, but by me holding out it hurt her worse when I came clean. Now we are in D proceedings. I wish I had told her when it happened so we could seek counseling. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

SEEK COUNSELING RIGHT AWAY. Trust can be rebuilt.

He will want to know details. You must tell him. It is part of the process. Take it slow and show him a lot of love. Have patience. I am praying for the two of you.

I wish my W will someday view MB for all the great advise. Try to bring your husband here for the support. It will help both of you.

God Bless

#1040039 11/15/02 12:08 AM
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Just to clarify...Not meeting emotional needs is NOT a reason to betray. There is NO reason or excuse for betrayal. It is the responisblity of the one whose ENs are not being met to speak up in such a manner so that their spouse will understand the extent of these needs.

The emotional section is there as a discussion tool on what you can do to improve your marriage, not justify an affair. There are needs that must be met, but use this site as a tool to understand your spouse and the needs of the marriage, not as a bible. Some things will not fit your situation or experience...but there are many common factors in each situation.

Bjayfly, you're going to have to move from guilt to remorse. Start making changes in yourself and your outlook and began making reparations to your injured spouse. Put your needs on the back burner for now...keep your focus on what he needs. Cause, he's going to need a LOT!!! He's depending on you to be strong...find the hidden strength in all of us...it is there. You love him...draw on the strength of that love. This is NOT going to be easy on either of you...work hard, be honest, work hard some more. You're starting a rebuilding with no blue-prints on the right way to go about it. You'll make some mistakes and tear down what you just built, but you commit yourself to rebuilding...and you can succeed. But it takes total commitment, hard work, and a lot of love, patience and forebearance.

#1040040 11/15/02 10:36 AM
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bjayfly,

I don't want to sound harsh, but the reason you had the affair is because you wanted to and felt it would do no harm to your H.

Short and sweet. The EN's not being met is an evaluation of your marriage prior to the A, and may have fed your weaknesses in this situation. But, you made the decision and you acted on the decision. Your H did not. Further, in your situation your H had no way to combat your own attachments to OM, only you had that ability. Just remember your H is the man that loves you and married you, but he isn't your shrink and he cannot read your mind. If you didn't voice your attachment to OM, if you didn't voice your dissatisfaction with your H then he could not have known what to do.

Just recall that EN questionaire is to be taken by both of you and SHARED so that you two can talk about it using the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA.

Does this mean your H cannot improve? no! Does this mean that you cannot improve? No!

So tell your H he is missing something about the EN thing. It is an important component of recovery and it helps explain the state of the marriage, but it does not shift blame onto the BS.

Hope this helps. You two will be in for some rough times, but I sense that you both want this to work somehow. I think it will if you give it Time and Patience. THe T&P thing is crucial.

God Bless,

JL

#1040041 11/16/02 12:17 AM
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You Bjay's must be using the same computer....you better log out....Mr's last post looks like it was written by the infidel Bjay.


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