hi all-im not dead, just my computer is. im at the library doing this now so i dont know how much time i have.

im gonna try to keep this short. i gave wh the pre plan b letter. it hurt and upset him. i did that back in oct. He really didnt follow it and i have since learned has been lying to me since late aug.

his fow was being transferred back to his location and he decided not to tell me and to fight for it not to happen. he fought this for months on his own and never said a word to me. he didnt think i could handle it-too fragile. i knew something was up and found out on my own what was going on. i also knew that the same night i found out he also lied about his whereabouts. get to that later. when i confronted him he was full of excuses that he lied for me and that this was his big plann to prove everything to me and he would again be my knight in shinning armore!!!-it sounded like blah blah blah. he then proceeded to explain to me that he is right and that i am being hurtfull by not understanding and considering this a lie!! he also added this gem-we will just agree to disagree about this.

Well- this is when i stood up and said WHOA- i havent agreed to disagree about anything. your not getting it so let me explain it agsin-under no circumstances will lying be ok with me, never.

he tried several more times and i stood firm.

now on to the true stupidity-he went out to dinner with work and afterwards went to another strip club. i found out only after he lied for days. i finally confronted him-he admitted it and i told him to pack up and go.(Utter shock on his face) we then talked till 3 in the morning and fell asleep-not together. i went into a ptsd reaction and was incapacitated for a day. he just went about acting like life is fine. i got him to finally make the appt with dr. harley-next wed.

i sat him down last night and let him know i am done. i dont have the energy to do anything but fix me right now.

my dillema is this-if i let him stay he will have to do the counseling, but i feel as if i have blurred the lines again.
if i force him out he has all the built in excuses not to do the counseling-no money etc..(by the way the infidelity has finally cost me my job.)so the excuses are real.

i just dont know how i can live with him knowing a week ago he was willing to toss it all again. and do i have he energy to do this until he gets help. i think dr. harley is gonna have his hands full.

help

<small>[ November 15, 2002, 08:20 AM: Message edited by: nikko ]</small>

Wow, im sorry to see you back in this same mess again. I dont think i could do it twice either, do you know somewhere he could stay for a few days to give you both a little space,you know parents, pastors, anywhere but where you are so you can get you back together and feel able to face this straight on. Wishing you the best.

Oh wow! I know all too well how the repeated lies are devastating. I'm so sorry that he's still just not getting it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

The fact that OW was trying to transfer back to your H's location is a bad thing. The fact that your H was trying to fight it is a GOOD THING! However, it was VERY wrong of him to not tell you about it from the get go.

My mind is so preoccupied with my own situation... I'm trying to remember, were you very specific about the "no strip clubs" in your letter to your H? If not, that could be his excuse. But that's all it is, a VERY LAME excuse at that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

As much as I believe in the Harley principles, I'm not too sure I would expect much of anything from an appt. I've never spoken to SH or Jennifer, and I really don't know what kinds of things they can say to the WS to help them to 'get it'. All I know is that all sorts of counselling isn't worth the time and effort unless the person going WANTS to be there. And WANTS to get help. And is there for THEMSELF, and not anyone else.

You obviously need some time to come to grips with what has transpired in the last few weeks. You're probably going to make yourself crazy by going through all of those questions in your head. You need to slow down. Relax. Take some "nikko time". And THEN make some decisions based on your boundaries.

I'm always here for you. You're more than welcome to call me again sometime. Do you still have my phone #? Email me at 4topie25@rogers.com if you want it again.

I'll keep checking out for you on here. Keep up with the updates as best you can.

Karen

<small>[ November 14, 2002, 02:24 PM: Message edited by: Topie25 ]</small>

dear not- he has nowhere to go. no one knows about this mess. not even family. it may just be time to shed some light on it all for him. thanks for the input.

topie-first off, congrats on the driving!!! i was praying for you. thanks for taking the time with all thats going on with you.

im just so confused, i dont know if putting him out right now will stop him from seeking counseling. he really needs help, with this and other issues. whether we make it or not, i would like him to get the help he needs. he asked if i would not put him out till after the holidays. i said that would depend on if he does anything hurtfull or stupid. i couldn't promise.

we now just co-exhist in the same house. there are times i want to reach out to him and there are times i want to pack for him. my head is spinning.

i also have to figure out what to do carrer wise, and i found out that my ex-employer is fighting my unemployment benefits. i've worked all my life and never claimed help for anything-and the time i need it most-i have to legally fight for it.

on a high note i was offered an opportunity to become a realtor. they will pay for everything. im conidering this while im out of work. my best friend is a realtor and will mentor me along the way. the office she works for is willing to pay for it all. about $1,000.00 and will pick up all cost to get me going. its an option.

anyway im here and need some advice, anyone?????

What advice is it that you need? I'm serious here... you seem to be doing the right things right now... and that is to protect yourself and your children. Right now, your priority is to find a job (or get your unemployment benefits), right? That sounds like a great plan to me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think you're right, that it might be a good idea to start letting friends and family "in" on the truth. However, with the holidays fast approaching, it might be harder on them. I know, no time is a 'good' time to talk of infidelity. But you need to weigh out the pros and cons of others knowing. Keep in mind that reconciliation is far more difficult when more people know the "why's".

I"m here all day... but I'll be heading out for an hour shortly (have some things to mail, and need to buy a few grocery items).

Karen

topie-i guess i wonder if i am blurring things by not staying strong on the "get out". i finally get to a point where im strong enough to say it and now im letting him stay. i don't know if its the right thing or if im just enabling him to hurt me again. i have stopped plan a and am just existing there for the kids. it is all such a mess.

he knew the strip club thing was wrong-he lied to cover it. if it was so ok why lie.

and to clarify something-i dont think his ow was trying to get transferred back-my husbands boss wanted them all transferred back. he knows nothing. husband fought it but lied all along about it. and to be honest-i dont care about her i care about him lying.

I think that the reason you're not seeming to "stay strong" on the kicking him out issue, is because you really aren't so sure. There's nothing wrong with that feeling! That's why it's so important to work on you right now. You've lost a lot of strength, and the crumbs you've been getting from your H just don't cut it to make for a strong and thriving M.

What are the pros and cons of your H staying and leaving? Are any of your boundaries being crossed? What ones? How much conviction do you have to stick to your boundaries? What is your plan for the long term? What are the smaller steps you need to take to get you there?

These are only a few of the questions you need to think about. I'm sure that there are more, however, I can't think of anymore off of the top of my head right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Don't feel you need to post the answers. The answers are for YOUR benefit, not for anyone else.

Take care,
Karen