It appears that my WH has actually ended his A and (I think) made it almost 3 weeks w/out contact. He has fallen into a deep depression and sees no hope for us or anything else. In all fairness it is a pretty grim situation. At Steve Harley's suggestion I moved very far away with my children at the end of the school year. (WH was and perhaps still is a consumate cake-eater and I could never quite set boundaries with him.) The move has been very good for me and the kids. Although WH has continued his pattern of begging for an umpteenth chance and then lying about contact, I've been pretty detached and it hasn't gotten to me as much. The kids love it here and I feel God has really blessed the move.

Since I moved WH has been excellent about flying up every other weekend to see the kids. However, now he sayes he is hitting a "bad" patch at work and will need to be working 80+ hours a week. This means he can't fly up here, leaving him lonely, overwhelmed and tempted. He flat out refuses to consider quiting his job (Steve H. insists that this is the only answer). But how can I possibly go back there while there is even a CHANCE that he will return to OW? He agrees that to move the kids and have things blowup would be a disaster for them.

This is a near re-creation of the circumstances which lead to the A in the first place! WH moved to new city without me, worked like a nut (sleeping in the office, there round the clock). Although we had agreed that the kids (then 1,3 and 5) and I should stay with my parents until our house was ready, WH felt abandoned. In retrospect, had I know his feelings, I absolutely would have behaved differently.

What to do now? I told WH that I want and have always wanted to repair our marriage, but I can't change his work obligations, nor can I ensure that he stays away from OW (thereby making it safe for me to return). He seems on the verge of a real mental breakdown. I feel bad for him and I hate to see what maybe our last chance for a reconciliation slip away, but what can I do? It all seems so impossible. Part of me just wants to get divorced and start over without him.

me- BS, 40
WH, 40
OW, single 30
kids 4, 5, 8
A begins 9/00
d-day 8/01
WH moves out 1/02
I move 6/02

WIW,

Sounds like your WH is in withdrawal. He really can choose to make a different job decision, can't he?

I understand your reluctance to move back to WH, with the possibility that he is still "cake-walking".

Maybe this is his chance to grow up a little bit, by feeling the pain of the consequences of his actions by having the A.

Has Steve told you to Plan A by phone? Honestly, before you decide to move back, I think you should get advise from Steve. Has your WH worked on a recovery plan? Let us know how you're doing! Blessings CSue

CSue - Thanks so much for responding. Sometimes I just feel so alone in all this. Of course my WH COULD change his job, but I can't believe he will. He has lots of reasons why: money in stock options, difficulty finding another job in his field now, etc. All of these are valid to some extent. Yet, he has always used work as the "get out of jail free card", it trumped everything else.

It is SO frustrating. He created this terrible mess; he has the job that takes up so much time; he had an A; he is so needy that he can't stand being alone; he backed me into this corner of moving to get some peace. Several weeks ago, he was talking about reverse commuting from here to his job, he was agreeing to write up the recovery plan. Now he is amazingly acting like the situation is MY fault! He is actually suggesting that I am creating the problem by not flying down where he is without the kids so that he can work all weekend and take me out to dinner at night, followed no doubt by wild SF. Basically I think he wants me to replace his mistress without assuming any responsibilities for our family at all.

WH and I bought the book SAA just after d-day and I was perhaps too good a plan A'er. After using two traditional MCs we started with Steve in the spring (even went to the workshop). So far Steve has recommended that I respond nicely to WH but keep my guard up. I am finding that increasingly hard to do. I have an appointment next week and I am going to get some direct advice on ending this nightmare (recently sessions have been with WH alone - no doubt lying). After WH tried again last night to guilt me on the "why don't I visit him" front, I told him that we cannot discuss M anymore. He knows what he needs to do (ie recovery plan) and I can't help him with that.

It could well be that he is back in touch with OW already. It certainly would be par for the course. This is sick to say, but I almost wish he was. At least that would give this a definative ending and I could move on. Honestly I could just slap this guy silly!!!! He is perhaps the most childish, immature, selfish person on the planet. He actually told me that one of the reasons he goes back to OW is that he feels so sorry for her. I am a strong person with a big family and poor OW is all alone. I responded that he was right about me, but if he wanted to feel sorry for someone he should think about his own three little kids!!!! What a moron.

Thanks for listening to me vent. I have been soldiering on for nearly 15 months and I don't think I can keep this up.

WIW,

I think you are doing very well. You hang in there. I suspect that he is feeling some of the consequences of his actions. He's hoping you "come to his rescue" to protect him from the pain of his choices.

Since SH has coached him on how to go about writing/living his recovery plan; he knows EXACTLY what to do to have you and your children back in his life.

There are no shortcuts to recovery. Your H doesn't sound quite ready yet. My H really balked at the actual writing of the recovery plan. It must require some kind of paradigm shift on their part - sort of taking actual responsibility for their actions, and I mean REALLY taking responsibility for their actions. Another difficult part is that they MUST be so clear on how the A has caused the BS to feel that they have to write that as part of the recovery plan.

Keep posting here. I'm glad your children like where they are and are dealing with the situation. Wish there was less pain for you. Hang tough! CSue