I feel my W has had an A.I think it is over,but I really don't know.It is with a co-worker.About two months ago W changed 180 degrees.We no longer spend time together.I know I may have neglected her after our son was born(he is the second child)but I didn't see this one coming.We have been married 11 years.She started spending time with her friends(one of whom is a male co-worker)at softball games and going to a bar for a beer.After the ball season was over,she went to a softball party.Didn't come home that night.This was Sept.28.I have always trusted her,this was when I realized something more was going on.She had a party 1 week after that on Oct.5 at our house.It was not a pretty scene.Got drunk.Lots of LB's.Oct 12 she had planned a race weekend with her girlfriends in Charlotte.I protested at this point and asked her to stay.She was furious that I didn't trust her and she said she felt betrayed by my distrust.One of her girlfriends didn't make it because her and her husband decided to seperate which has now turned really ugly.I decided to let her go to the race as a good faith gesture to her.I went totally crazy the whole weekend.To try to calm down I figured I would clean up the house,since she started "detaching"
from me and the family the chores had really went down.Well, I had reality hit me in the face and I saw first hand where I had neglected her for about 4 years.I am not proud of that.I told her when she returned from the race that I thoght I knew what was bothering her and promised I would do better.We went for about two weeks and I had found this WS.I hae read everything I can get my hands on.She has all the signs of an affair,lost weight,looks great,new clothes,new music,total detachment from church.Except when it comes to sex.It has actually increased,almost exploded.It could be the under active thyroid condition she is on medication for.I confronted her on Oct 21 and had all my stuff packed and ready.She then said that she needed some time to think,but she didn't want me to leave.She admits to contemplating an affair,but nu=ot with who I think it is.This supposedly made her question our marriage and she was trying to find herself.I stayed.Things have improved a lot but I want to know what really happened,Or should I?

Or should you? That can be a tough one to answer. If the answer is no...then of course you'd like to know that for certain. If the answer was yes, then you're in for a lot of pain and sorrow, but you've validated that what you felt was right.

If things have improved, that's the main issue. jmho You've both had "notice" rather an affair took place or not, that your marriage was/is in danger and failing possibly from apathy, and taking things/people for granted.

It does sound as if there might have been something going on, might have been an affair, either EA or PA, but it also could have been just a distancing from each other which didn't have anything to do with an OP.

Sexual relations can go either way during an affair, the WS may be more interested in sex or less, or there may be no changes. When it's more, it can either be in an attempt to misdirect the BS, or else the excitement of having an affair bleeds over into the primary relationship with the spouse.

If she's confessed that thoughts of an affair have been on her mind during this time, at least she is giving you something. Many think about having an affair...which never goes further then a thought of escape for the problems they are not willing to face. So, she maybe being completely honest with you about this. We can hope, anyway.

If things are better and you don't see any signs that anything else is going on...try taking her at her word. No, don't bury your head in the sand if something raises a red flag, but don't ruin the improvement for a "doubt", either.

Good Luck!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Rational:
<strong>She was furious that I didn't trust her and she said she felt betrayed by my distrust.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A classic response.

But you know what? It dosn't really matter whether she did or she didn't. Assume she did.

It doesn't matter because this is all about you and her and your marriage - not about some other guy. Assume he exists and accept that he's only a symptom.

It sounds as if you've experienced some humbling regarding your involvement in creating an affair-favorable marital environment. Good for you.

Now, continue working and you'll have an excellent chance at recovery.

Get hot on Plan A. See my advice to ferbie that I posted earlier today.

Stay humble, kiss her butt, and don't love bust. Keep asking questions and tell us what's going on.

Thanks guys,
I was a little down yesterday.I really need to work on the lows.Things are better today.I am new here and please forgive me but what does EA,PA and jmho mean?

<small>[ November 15, 2002, 08:47 AM: Message edited by: Rational ]</small>

Rational - they don't call this a roller coaster for nuthin'.

EA = emotional affair
PA = physical affair
jmho = just my humble opinion
AA = al anon AND alien abduction
MBWs = moose brain worms

This ought to get you started on the important ones. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Actually, there's a thread some where around here with a list of abbreviations. Try looking over on Just Found Out.

A clarification on my previous response to you: What I meant about "it doesn't matter" whether she's having an affair or not was that there appears to be enough wrong with your marriage - even if there isn't an affair - that your actions should be the same in either case. Of course, it really matters if she's in an affair from the standpoint of your feelings. I hope I didn't confuse you.

WAT

Rational-

EA is emotional affair, PA is physical affair
and jmho is just my humble opinion.

Try to get your wife to agree to MC regardless of whether evidence of a A exists. It sounds like there are some issues that need to be looked at. Good luck!

Thanks again guys,
EA is what she claims happened.We are currently seeking counseling.

GOOD LUCK! I would also like to try to counseling but am meeting opposition....