Hi ALS,

I have read all your threads because I also saw some similarities between our situations. I have a lot of love left for her and I would like nothing more than for her to come back. I often wonder if I could still take her back but the reality of it is I wouldn't have the strength to say no if she did. Maybe that will change as my love for her fades but it probably won’t be any time soon.

I am not sure continued plan A is the best thing for me and her. Maybe a hybrid of plan A/B. She has shown more signs of caring about me since I stopped meeting her EN unless she came to me than she did when I went out of my way to meet them no matter what. I still try not to LB and fill as many of her EN as she will let me, but only when she makes contact. I have stopped calling her or even calling her back most the time.

I'm not sure. Every time I think I have something figured out the whole thing seems to change. After she comes over tonight for us to pay bills and separate some stuff I'm sure everything will be different once again.

I have been doing a lot of concentrating on me. I have been working out and my clothes fit nicely again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . I have been going out with some friends and even forcing myself to talk to women. I'm hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. In this whole thing hope seems to have just gotten me hurt...but still I hope <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Well she came over yesterday and so did her father. I helped her father get his furniture we had borrowed out of the apartment and basically said goodbye to him. We have always been pretty close so it was very hard for me. I also told her dad to watch out for her for me and to let me know if she needs help because she will be too proud to ask.
After her dad left she immediately became cold with me. Apparently she hadn't told her parents she was living with the OM and her dad had asked me if she still stayed at our apartment at all. When he asked I said no she has been living there since the first day she left. Her brother who was there then went and told her what I had said and she was angry at me for "Telling her dad things that are none of his business". I told her first off you should have told me you were lying to your parents if you didn't want me to tell, second I didn’t directly say anything, and third it is freaking true.

That pretty much set the stage for the rest of the day. She refused to do anything productive like finish going through our things so I told her I'm taking what I want and she can have whatever is left. She acted like she was doing me some big favor by paying half the rent when she was the one that caused the whole situation. She was really bitter and mean to me and for the life of me I don't know why. At one point I even asked her "Do you just save up all your anger for me or what?" and she told me yes. Great, I get to be her punching bag. She saves up all her angst and lets it out on me.

I know she feels guilty every time she sees me so that is probably a big part of it too. Every time she comes to the house she starts to get sick, stomach cramps etc. But if she feels guilty that’s hardly my fault.

Then when she was leaving I basically told her this had to be the last goodbye because I am tired of being beat up. She then hugged on me a lot and kissed me on the cheek a few times. All the sudden she is all sweet. I wish she would just pick a person and be that person. All of this changing personalities is screwing with my head.

I am hoping I can be strong enough to let it die now. The day after I see her is always very rough. All I want to do is call her or see her. This morning I just wanted to call and yell at her and now I just want to call her and tell her I love her. Neither of which would do a damn thing. I've managed to stop myself from calling so far but it’s been a battle. I find that kind of funny to think of a battle where the enemy is me .

I came to a realization last night that was kind of scary. When this first started happening she told me she was addicted to this new relationship. It was a pretty good description of what went on imo. The funny thing is I'm addicted to her. I constantly feel the need to get my Suzi fix. I have never been addicted to anything, hell I have never even tried a cigarette but I imagine this is what it must be like. Hopefully I can beat this addiction because it seems to be as unhealthy as most other drugs.

I would love to continue with at least a modified plan A but at this point I'm not sure I can handle being her punching bag. She actually admits she saves all her anger for me. I think I will definately pursue a semi plan B approach. I will stop all contact and if she contacts me at all I will use plan A tactics.

I love her but Im just feeding her relationship with the OM by allowing myself to be the outlet of her frustration instead of him.

Well I was drinking pretty heavily with friends on Saturday and decided to tell Suzi off. I was so sick of riding the rollercoaster I decided to try and stop it and get off. I called her and we got in a real shouting match. I mean I was in the parking lot of this bar where 2 of my friends work literally screaming in to my cell phone. It got really nasty. I called her a cheating whore and everything bad I have thought about but never said. She told me I didn't deserve her and how this guy gives her everything she always wanted.
It was an all out slug fest. You see I was trying to accomplish one of 2 things. I either wanted to kill my love for her or make her hate me so much that she would break off all contact forever. Sounded like a really good idea at the time. Of course it didn't accomplish any of it. At the end I still loved her and she called and left a message on my work phone this morning saying she wanted to come down and meet me for lunch tomorrow.

She talked to me while driving to the OMs house and then hung up on me to go inside and turned off her phone. I then called and left a few messages on her voice mail. Man I must look pathetic .

Oh well I can't take any of it back now. Maybe it was good we both took out some aggression. There were more Love Busters than I can count, because I was actively trying to throw them out. When it was all over I didn't feel any different. I still love her with every fiber of my being.

Well I'm supposed to go to dinner tonight with her. She is going to be in my area to see a friend and said we should get together. When talking to her on the phone I felt really awkward. Asking about her weekend and having her tell me all these fun things she did and I just want to scream "All I did was think of you". After our blow out on Saturday I really don't have much anger left and it was the anger that was keeping me from being a sap. Now that I got it all out I'm back to just wanting to profess my love constantly. I wrote her a poem and made her a card etc.

I think I should cancel on dinner tonight, but I'm not sure I can. The truth is I REALLY want to see her. Seeing her is probably the last thing I should be doing though. I wish she would accept that the changes I have made in my life are real. She still says things like "When was the last time you did that before we broke up". Like the fact that I'm doing it now means it’s fake. I don't know.

My best friend will be in town this weekend for turkey day so that will be fun. We have a second thanksgiving where all my friends get together every year on the Saturday after. It’s usually the highlight of the holiday season. I'm hoping it will get me back out of this funk. It will be tough since she was with me at it every year.

Well believe it or not dinner went really well. We went to this nice Italian place around the corner from the apartment. The whole time we had pleasant conversation and smiles. Since I went in to it expecting to walk away feeling horrible and expecting to be disappointed it was actually a pretty great night. Granted she isn't coming back or anything but it was nice. For some reason I had this need to make our last encounter pleasant so if this was it then at least that was accomplished.

As we were leaving I saw that her brake lights were out and made her go to the auto parts store with me so that I could replace the fuse. I asked her to go to the bookstore with me and she declined, but that was expected anyway. Over all I'm glad I went, if nothing else than at least our last memory of being together will be pleasant.