Why is it that most men can Plan A longer than most women? What is it about our gender differences that make this so? Is it attitudes toward sex and love? Is there any research that backs up this well known Harley-ist philosophy?

Whip –
I’m not sure that your concept is accurate. I think what we see is a lot of women on this board in Plan A pouring their emotions out, but still going on with their plans. My S is a lot like that. She’ll do “dumps” every now and then and pour her heart out, and you’d think she was ready to move to Nigeria after, but she just picks up her toys and keeps chugging along.

Men, on the other hand, either shut up and color, or complain and color. Or crow about success.

As for the Harley thing, I’ve been wondering this: What if you or I or anyone else had tripped onto another forum, one that advocated a completely different approach to how to handle the M? Maybe we’d be calling all the people on this board a bunch of wimps for what they’re doing, or a group of clingy self-preservationists intent on dwelling on the negatives, or whatever. Was it just chance that we found and are apparently following Harley, or was it something in the principals that appealed to some part of our logic and reasoning?

>>Why is it that most men can Plan A longer than most women?

Perhaps because we are dumber? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I don't think I phrased my question correctly. The literature here states that the Harleys recommend that women Plan A for a considerably shorter time than men (6 wks vs. 6 mos). I was wondering if there is a behavioral or physiological or emotional reason for this. Do the Harleys have a scientific explanation or is it purely anecdotal? I'm certain that these timelines aren't wholly arbitrary. I meant to make no statements about the perceived relative strengths or weaknesses or similarities between genders.

Chris ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

whippit,

Using broad brush-strokes, men usually have a greater ability to compartmentalize their emotional lives, as opposed to women. In other words, men can take a situation, acknowledge it for what it is, and push it into a corner where they won't deal with it for a while. Women tend to be more "integrated", and emotional problems in one area tend to spill into all areas. Plan A usually necessitates taking your nasty, deprived, lovebusting taker and shoving him in a box while you work on Plan A skills. Men are mentally "wired" to be able to accomplish this better than women, although I do note that some of the longest Plan A's here were done by women (Terri and LostVa come to mind).

Again, everyone is different, but this is a characteristic that differs between men and women. Harley gets those averages from working with hundreds of clients. Your mileage may vary...

I'm with Chris. We're dumber or have more problems to find and fix.

That's it!! We like to fix things!!

Regarding Chorus' pondering, I've noted over the many months that a lot of folks arriving here late, i.e. after an affair is well along (myself included), intuitively started a passable Plan A before they ever heard of it. Clearly, it's not the only way - after all - marriages have been recovering from affairs for a lot longer than the Harleys have been around.