I read my husband's posting and it broke my heart. What really touched me was how all of you more or less defended my approach to my infidelity. I understand how easy it could have been for all of you BS' to be harsh and tell me what a piece of sh&t I am for doing this to my husband...It speaks volumes about the type of people all of you are to see my weakness and shed some light on it for my H. My H and I cried when we read your responses and the fact that you are encouraging him to wait it out and weigh his emotions carefully. I really love this man, my marriage and all that our life together has to offer. Please know that all of you have taught me so much about courage and faith. Thank you, thank you, thank you and god bless all of you for this. I will keep you posted. I think he may give me a chance afterall...

Bjayfly,

One thing to ponder is that all of the BS’s here, are here because they still love their spouse despite their affair(s). They are here to rebuild. So forgiveness and reconciliation are a necessary part of the healing and marriage rebuilding.

That you are reaching out and doing what is right now, is what is the most important.

My husband is much like you… he ended contact immediately and worked to recover our marriage. You marriage has a lot of possibilities with your approach. Please take very good care of your husband. He needs you now more then he ever has.

Mr. & Mrs. Bjayfly-

I've followed your posts with interest and wanted to let you know that we're all pulling for you. There's obviously enough love between you two to make it worthwhile to struggle and fight for. Go for it and make your marriage better and more gratifying than ever! I would give ANYTHING to have my WW posting here with me and willing to atleast listen to all the wonderful people that visit here. Good luck and god bless both of you!

Atleast boith of you are here to work on your marriage. I can see that if both are willing to try the you have the best shot. I wish my WW wanted to work on things right now but she is still in the fog. You two are on the road to recovery. god bless and the best of luck to you

You all are incredible people...
You have told your h this, correct?

I did tell my husband how incredible he is. He finally slept last night and seems a little better this morning. He told me he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life "punishing" me for what I did. He hugged me and told me he believed it would get better. I really hope he doesn't change his mind. I hate the pain I caused him..He told me he cant look me in the eye and tell me he loves me anymore. I guess I understand this but I am scared he never will be able to love me the same again. Did I take an innocence out of my marriage that I will never get back again?? I am so afraid to get my hopes up for reconciliation because i am afraid he will change his mind and leave...

He says he needs someone else to talk to. He says he may want to share this with him Mom, dad and sister. His family has always been so supportive but i fear if he tells them the family dynamic will change drastically. I LOVE his family so much and don't want them to look at me with the same eyes he does or encourage him to leave me..Being selfish again I realize . Just some mid day ramblings from a ravaged heart.

Hi BJF,

You've done a very brave thing in telling your H. And I know that in the long run, he will appreciate it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Did I take an innocence out of my marriage that I will never get back again?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes. But try not to focus on the loss. Part of the healing process is to recognize the "losses" that you've both experienced, then look for new ways to live and relate to each other... in short, you need to replace those losses with new, stronger bonds between you and your H.

My best advice is for you both to take it one day at a time. You will both go through ups and downs... realize this, but keep reassuring each other of your COMMITTMENT to each other and to the Marriage... I'm glad to hear that you are going to start MC...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

<small>[ November 19, 2002, 07:52 PM: Message edited by: Rebuilding in Faith 90 ]</small>

He hugged me and told me he believed it would get better.
It can. However, you BOTH must remember that your feelings are going to go a bit wild on occasion. It's okay. Reassure each other you aren't going anywhere and that it is okay to have these feelings.

Take a breath before you do anything or say something which may hurt the other.

Keep in mind that you have to prove to him you love him. You betrayed his trust and have to earn it back. EVEN if he says he does trust you, it is up to you to prove it. It's probably not something he is willingly wanting to do (distrust you) but something he needs to see over and over. Like the monster in the closet. You can show & tell the child it's not there but only after doing this night after night after night will they actually know it is true.

Now is the time to depend on each other. Remember WHY you married each other.

bjayfly,

One thing I realized is that the feeling of love is never to be trusted. That feeling will come and go. But, when one decides to love, then it makes everything different. When you decide to love, and you don't feel like loving, you still do the right thing. I think your H has shown you that he still loves you. He's done the right thing in wnating to work it out. Like they say, actions speak louder than words. I think I would want my W do things that shows she loves me w/o telling me, rather than tell me she loves me and do things that are contradictory.

The same applies to you. He needs to be shown that you love him in ways he can clearly perceive. But it also helps for you to tell him along with the actions. An A is a real LB. Almost a complete withdrawal sometimes. You'll have to build up the deposits in his Love Bank again. The good thing is that he is receptive to the deposits. My W wasn't accepting deposits at first.

If I didn't have someone to talk to I'd have gone crazy. With me I need a place to vent when I was angry or hurt. I never wanted to subject that to my W. After I cleared my thoughts I could approach my problems from a better prospective. How his family accepts it will depend on how he tells them. When I told my parents, I told them that I have decided to fight for the M and that I still love my W. I expected them to love her the same. If they couldn't do that then it would hurt me all the more and I needed their support for us to get through it. So far so good. We'll really find out this Christmas because they will be coming over here for the holidays.

My prayers to you both.

S&C