I found out about my dh ema 2 days ago and am still in shock. This is the 2nd time. First was 13 years ago. I knew things were wrong in our marriage but didn't have the time or energy to care. Wasn't sure I cared that much either. Now I know I do care. He wants to work everything out but hasn't told ow about this yet. They work together but in different locations. We can't give up his job and move. My questions are:
1. Can this work if they still work together?
2. I have read so much from this wonderful website, do the books have that much more to add and if so which one would you recommend out of all of them?
3. Has phone counseling helped anyone?
Thanks for your input.

DB -- Yes, yes and yes. The first thing you need to do is take care of your emotional and physical health. Start readind the MB principals and just about anything you can get your hands on. Education is paramount.
Second, realize you're in for a long ride. You have to decide if you're committed to the relationship, whether he's committed, the causes of the A, the personality tweaks that need to be ironed out, needs assessed... the list is endless.
Third, you probably will need the help of a counselor. Phone or not, try to get a pro-marriage counselor who sees couples and individuals. Did wonders for me.
Fourth, realize no one is right and both are wrong in these situations. You'll have to balance that thought when the anger and resentment really hits you.

Good luck and keep us posted on your status.

I was sitting at work and checked back and someone had cared enough to post a reply already! Tears came to my eyes! You are a wonderful person. I do want to reconcile but roller coaster from being MAD to being SCARED to being shell shocked and just wanting to be held. Thanks for your kind words....

Dazed,

I am the WS who just told my husband of my PA(still debating if it was an EA too) two days ago. As the WS, I really believe that it is NOT possible to move into recovery without severing all ties to the OM/OW. Please believe this..It will be easy for your H to rationalize his relationship with the OW if he works with her. Find a way to eliminate her from his life..together. Perhaps he can ask his boss to not send him to this location or to take on another assignment. Looking for another job in the meantime would help as well. I am the weak WS and I know how easy it is to get sucked back into the fog when you see the OM/OW or even have a simple conversation on the phone. He will dictate if he wants the marriage to work if he is willing to find a way to have NO contact with her. It may take time and patience is key but your marriage is worth the fight.

Good luck..

BJF

Dazed,

One more thing as a person dealing with the first days of this emotional aftermath...

Go to Borders and get "Surviving an Affair" by Harley and "His Needs-Her Needs" also by Harley. It is helping my husband understand this and helping me realize what I have done. The people on MB have really helped me understand what fight I am in for..These are the most incredible people I have met to date. They will keep you sane when you think you are sinking. We are all in this together! Good luck and God bless..

DB,

Get a copy of Torn Asunder by Dave Carder.

Semper Fi,
RIF90