This is my second post here. I first posted at the end of Oct ("I think we are in recovery"). Before I go into my dilemma, let me give you a brief run down on my story.
W 25
WH 24
Met 6/26/99
Married 6/23/02
No kids
military couple
H attends military school 7/02-9/02
Begins to grow distant while at school
H comes home and says he wants D, just doesn't love me anymore, doesn't know if he ever did.
Kick out H beg 10/02. Don't see or talk for a week.
H contacts lawyer about divorce
Both meet with counselor to discuss military issues regarding D. H sticks to same story, then shows up in parking lot after work crying and wants to make M work. Confesses he had A with OW while at school. She is also M
H moves back in and we start to "work" on things.
Discuss NC with OW and he says he is not ready because they agreed there could never be a relationship again. They are literally in two different countries (we are in Germany). She wants things to work with her M. Her H doesn't know about A. I tell WH that the contact hurts my feelings and he agrees that it does not benefit us. Agree to discuss later, as he feels that his connection to her is fading. Agree that he will tell me when there is contact.

Okay with that said. Things are going better. I am in counseling, he has been going when he can (work obligations), but intends to go more. He admitted that the reason he first came back was because he felt trapped and pressured from friends and family. He says that has changed, his reason for staying is to see if the M can work. He has only told me about one contact with OW and that he feels that she is distancing herself because she wants her M to work. Now, my dilemma is that I know during Plan A you are supposed to feel like a doormat, but not be one. Am I being a doormat? I feel like I need to him to show me his emails to prove that the contact is fading. Or should I just let it die naturally? We both understand how the A happened. He views as the best thing that happened to him. It hurts to hear, but in a way he's right, because our M could have only gotten worse as he was not talking to me about his feelings. This has made us aware of so many different things about us and our M. We both completed the emotional needs and lovebuster survey on this website. Some things did hurt, but the truth doesn't always feel good. Everyday we seem more comfortable with each other. Even when we talk about the OW, it's a decent conversation. We don't talk about her often though. I'm afraid to give him an ultimatum as he is the type who will do the opposite of what somebody says just to prove a point. He doesn't tell me he loves me, because according to him it's not fair to either of us for him to say if he's not sure if he means it. His actions speak otherwise. He has been depositing points into our LB and has been good about making sure he meets my emotional needs as have I. Somebody tell me what to do. And if I am supposed to move to Plan B, how do I do that while we live together and living seperately isn't an option since we are in Germany and in the military. I think I have given all the info,but if there is more needed let me know. I just need someone to spell it out for me!!!

OK, ac, I think you may be doing better than you think, just not fast enough for you.

Definitely, no Plan B.

Let's assume your sense of your H's intentions is correct and he's being honest (we'll explore the opposite below).

You say he's completed the questionaire on this site? I suggest you point him towards this forum. Tell him there are quite a few former WSs here who will be able to understand first hand what he's going through. Get a copy of Surviving An Affair. In it he'll read the importance of no contact.

This brings up the most important step he needs to take - ending all contact and writing a no contact letter. Read about it in SAA.

Continue counseling. During a single session of yours, discuss the no contact concept with the counselor and determine if he/she will recommend that to your H.

YOU implement Plan A. Have you identified your contributions to the poor marital environment? Have you fixed them? Have you admitted your wrongs and demonstrated your improvements?

Now, suppose your H is not being honest.

Guess what? In your case, you do the same things. You have the "luxury" of having distance between the affairees and a WS who has at least looked at this site and says some of the right things.

Most important thing (other than NOT LB'ing): take your time.

Hi AC,

Welcome to MB... and thank you for serving our country. I know how hard it is to be going through all of this when you are OCONUS.

From what you've told us, it appears that your H is doing things to repair the M. I know how confusing all of this is... can you really trust him? ...is he just putting on an act, but secretly he really wants the OP? ...is he going to do this for a few months, then change?...

My best advice is to take this one day at a time. Accept your H actions at face value and don't read anything into them. Accept his words at face value as well, and then look to see if his actions follow his words... Again, don't try to read anything into what he says.

I think that it's a positive sign that you and your H are communicating. I don't think that you need to go to Plan B.... just focus on one day at a time.

You're in for a long process, but I can tell you, if you both are committed to each other and the marriage, then you can/will have a better marriage than either of you ever dreamed of...

You might want to get a copy of the book "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder... This book helped my wife and I understand allot of what we went through...

Semper Fi,
RIF90