FA –
My sitch: four PAs, one EA. My S: Five PA. One of them really strong.
Ok, so…
Did I say “I love you?” Yes. Did I mean it? Umm…no, not really. I probably meant “I thank you for being here for me, but if my S would be nearly as responsive as you, I’d be home in a heartbeat and you’d be little more than a memory of some hot chick I met.”
I never had to work with the people once the A started rolling. I got involved with one at work, but left work very shortly after it went Boom!
My S worked with two of her PAs, and in fact is still working with one. In fact, as we speak, she’s doing some sort of office chores with him, which is driving me freakin’ bonkers!
But, nonetheless, my take on those residual feelings:
It really depends on the person. For example, my great EA was with my one-time first love. She claims she has my name “tattooed” on her heart, and has loved me through two marriages. Now, I appreciate the compliment, and it’s good for my ego, but not good for her marriages. And certainly, I didn’t help by encouraging an A with her. I’m scum. I know this.
But do I have residual feelings? Mainly it’s a kind of sympathy for her, and a deep gratitude for being there for me. Could I have had a relationship with her if my marriage went under? I doubt it would have survived, to be honest. I might have tried, but I never really had much faith that it would stand the test of time, as she thought it would. (D, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry, but it’s true.)
Do I think my S has residual feelings for the OM? Sure. But again, it’s a mix of sympathy for him because of the pain he feels, guilt for causing pain on her part and gratitude for being a friend and warm heart when she needed it. Doesn’t matter that he’s still in the picture, in a sense. She’s committed to working things out with me.
Does his presence make it more difficult? Without question. As Leilana said, don’t try this at home, kids. But we can’t afford the loss in income. So, we’re at least two months away from any efforts on her part to leave the job. We were both hoping he’d quit, but it didn’t happen. So we’ll just see what happens.
Ultimately, if your S works with the OP, it comes to this: There is nothing – repeat NOTHING – you can do to stop an A from happening, and you certainly can’t quelch any feelings your S may have.
All you can do is be the person you are meant to be, try to meet the needs and trust any recommitment. Define boundaries for how your spouse should react and act around the OP, keeping in mind that the workplace brings variables that you can’t control. And hope your S sticks to the rules.
On variables, I wanted to say this: My S works in a tiny office, and the rift between her and OP was very obvious right off the bat. That created terrific tension in the workplace, which reflected on her. Now, four months later, she’s still feeling the after blast of that little bomb, and no one really knows what happened between the two. However, she doesn’t have the same work environment she once had. It upset the balance of power, and people are disgruntled.
So what, right? They deserve it, right? Wrong. That translates. She doesn’t have a good work environment, and that means job security is threatened. Finances are a huge EN on her part. Now that’s threatened. And why? Logically, you can say “Because of the A.” But remember, until the bells sound and the fog clears and the light of reasoning pokes through the clouds, your S probably still holds you at least partially responsible for the A. Now follow this thread: You’re a creep, which means S has A. A is revealed/discovered but noble WS wants to stay in marriage. WS works with OP, which creates tension with you and at work. Now job is in danger. WS could irrationally reason that if you hadn’t been such a creep his/her job wouldn’t be in danger. Get the drift?
I’m not saying it makes logical sense, but since when does any of this make sense?
We go with our hearts and guts on these deals.
If your S works with OP, make sure he/she knows the rules. Compromise. And most importantly, create an environment where he/she feels comfortable talking about the work situation. It’s really really hard, but then again, we’re not the WS trying to survive this mess. We’re the BS’s.
Good luck
