Just thought I'd give everyone here an update on things, since so many of you have been so encouraging and helpful so far, since my D-Day. It's still not even been a FULL month since actual D-Day, though over a month since I started to suspect something (first night my WW went out with OM and I later discovered that she kissed him that night). I've updated my signature file (see below) for anyone that would like to check back and read my story. I didn't find MB right away, so there's a lot of mistakes of the past in there, but also a TON of great advice that I've gotten from folks around here. BS's might get something out of them, as my situation is a textbook A, with my WW and OM continuing on even after D-Day.
Anyway, the last day I saw my WW was Tuesday. She was over to pick up the cat and a few things. A lot of her stuff still remains scattered around the house, which she'd asked to come back for later this week or next week. I'm still unsure why she's dragging out the moving out thing so long. I'm not sure if she realizes that the last day she takes her things out of the house could very well be the last day she's ever IN the house, or if she's just taking her time in order to avoid a lot of clutter at her apartment. She's buying a bunch of things for her place, furniture and whatnot, so I assume she's planning to stay there for a while. From earlier snooping (which I've stopped for my own sanity), I discovered that she's already given OM the spare key to her new place (no such offer to me, though I also collected her house keys as well when she moved out, so what could I have expected?). Still, considering she only just started PA a month ago, it seems a little fast, and that does irritate me a bit, that she could so quickly take in the OM after leaving me.
Our last exchange was a brief e-mail on Wednesday, when she sent me the phone number to her new place. No phone calls, email, or contact since then. I've been keeping very busy myself. I have plans for tonight, this weekend, and have been setting up things to do with friends in the future. I'm also working on cleaning up the house (long overdue) and some small home improvement projects. I find that when I allow myself to work on things, I forget about everything that's going on. When I sit home and read books about M, or even MB, I do think of the situation, but it ususally leaves me feeling better. When I understand more, and see so many other folks having similar problems, I don't feel alone.
The worst times are when I'm just alone, in the quiet, just me and my thoughts. I wonder if it's the same for my WW. It's funny, though, there are times that I truly miss her and dream of her coming back to me, and then there's other times when I almost hope she doesn't, too. I think of all the work we'd have to do and I get scared, and I sometimes question if I just wouldn't be better off starting over with someone new. It's interesting how that happens, but I don't consider myself a bad person for it. It's just part of the rollercoaster ride that I've been thrown on. With the current approach I am taking, I'm making myself happy and allowing my WW to make all the choices for herself. She knows that I am here, and that the door is open if she wants to talk.
She's stubborn, though, and that may put us at a stalemate. I'm in Plan A still but decided that I had to give her what she wanted, her independence. She's now on her own in all respects, own apartment, paying all her own bills, etc. She and the OM are certainly taking this opportunity to spend a great deal of time together, probably a lot involving him at her place. At this point, I suspect they'll either grow closer together or eventually, further apart. If they get closer, I see no reason why she won't file for a D eventually, not because I think her relationship with the OM will be VERY long term, but if it's going to last more than a few months, she's not going to want our M in the shadows anymore. I know OM doesn't like that, either. However, even if their relationship develops problems, she may be too proud/stubborn to turn to me. I think she at least knows that the opportunity is there, though. Hopefully.
The other side of the coin is that OM may not be available for her every night of the week. I figure that, so far, my WW has been using the nights he's not around to come to the house and get more of her things. He must have been very available this week, as she hasn't called or written to make an effort to come to the house. Next week, I'm making plans -- Chances are, she'll want to come over a night I won't be home. What I really think she needs is a night on her own, at this new apartment of hers, to really just sit down and quietly reflect on things, same as I've been doing. It's really amazing what happens when you just sit down and think sometimes. Your brain can really process a lot of stuff. Then again, do I pass up a good opportunity to work Plan A since contact with her has been so limited? It's a tough call. My gut feeling says that I can't be around for her all the time if she needs me, even if it's infrequent. She has to see I'm getting on with my life.
I miss affection a lot. It's something that I learned to take for granted during our relationship and I never should have. Those of you married couples with someone to hug, to hold, to kiss, to just snuggle with, enjoy it. Whether it's with a WS or not. If they're willing, enjoy it. I'm sure I speak for many people here that it's a little pleasure that gets overlooked sometimes. Early in our relationship, I had to take a business trip and was away from her for a week. I remember when I came back, all I wanted to do was touch her, hug her, feel her near me. I missed that so much. Of everything else, that is what I miss the most right now, and what makes me sad when I think about it. I will never take the little pleasures that come with someone who loves you for granted again. My next relationship, whether with my WW again or someone new, I feel she'll be a very lucky, loved person. I feel like I have a lot of love to give.
I've been going to the gym frequently, and taking care of myself. I'm already getting used to sleeping by myself again, though the A and my wife are still the first things that hit me when I wake up in the morning. Still, the sorrow over what happened is fading already. I feel more empowered, and in control of my own destiny than I have before. I think of my future both with and without her. Two very different paths, both offering different challenges and rewards. I realize that with either outcome, I can be happy. That's the bottom line. It doesn't mean I don't think of her not coming back and get sad sometimes, or think of a future without her and get happy sometimes, it just means that I'm prepared to handle whatever comes next. And when you're of that mindset, life doesn't seem so bad at all.
Anyway, just getting some thoughts out. Feel free to comment or just read and reflect.
ALS
