Mr - I was (am) a male BS and believe me when I say I know how you feel. I validate all your anger, pain, and feelings that cannot be described.

What you're feeling now is normal and justified. No other action by someone we love so dearly can be as brutal.

I also believe your wife is experiencing a lot of pain - just of a different sort. I believe she is like the typical WS who acted out of selfishness - not with the intent to hurt you. They forget about us during their affair. They have to. Otherwise they wouldn't do it.

I offer my personal support, as I'm sure many other guys here will. Come here and yell at us. We all did it at one time.

Your feelings will improve. I promise. I lost a child less than a year before my W's affair. I won't compare my pain to yours, but if I can survive and thrive, I believe you can as well. Plus, you have the benefit of a wife that wants to help.

Please consider seeing a doc about anti-depressants. It's sign of strength to seek professional help.

Please be patient and take little steps. Some steps will be in the wrong direction - that's why they have to be little - so you won't get too far off the track.

I may not be around here the rest of the weekend - because my life is so full now - but there will be other around. Please lean on all of us.

(Dave)

Dave,
Thank you for your kind words. We all have our crosses to bear and yours is sizeable. i've been thru my share of bad things. When i was 22 I worked as a telemarketer for a company that was shut down by the fbi. I had quit the company after discovered they were not legit. Make a long story short there were 1.5 years of waiting for the shoe to drop and see if i would be endicted, worrying about telling my family, knowing if i went to trial there was a 25 percent chance i would go to prison, and dealing with the fact if i plead out for a crime I didn't commit i would be a convicted felon the rest of my life.
I could have withdrawn from all who cared about me. I could of driven myself insane with the possibility of not being in control of my life. But that experience has given me wisdom and strength that only true trama gives. I thought after that i would not be afraid of anything, not even death or sickness. I am veryh powerful and wise in ways I wouldn't be if I had not have had that experience. I am using those developed coping skills in this situation.
Then this happens. I put my heart into making my wife happy and she rips it out and stomps on it. I had so much faith in her, unquestionable, unwavering belief and that is shattered.
But if you haven't been keeping up with the posting, I consider myself fortunate. Since being immersed into this world, she doesn't love the om and admits she has a problem. She wants the marriage to work. I see a glimmer of the future of us having a stronger bond and being closer.
One of the facts is that before the a, we weren't as close as i felt we should be. We rushed into the M and didn't get to know eachother as well as we should. Our dynamic as a couple prevented us from getting closer. She was so domineering and bossy and I always wanted to please her and i was afraid to tell her how i was feeling. I didn't enjoy her company because she was so needy and I already felt i was giving her so much.
To her credit, she admits the A was the lowest of lows and made her realize that she sunk to the worst level. As crazy as it sounds, she said the A gave her clarity in seeing how lacking and selfish she was because she commited the ultimate selfish act. I believe her when she says she is going to become the wife that i deserve.
I just am afraid that this will be too much for her to change. Not only does she have to change her personality but deal with the A.
This has been another random, rambling post. I am all over the place.
I am going to take care of me. I didn't do this thing. But i need to count all the positives i have and work on the issues that i can control. I almost thank god for putting me thru the fbi ordeal because i would have definitely more lost.
Until later, thank you again for sharing your story and relating to mine.

MrB,

I've read a little of what you've gone thru. D-day was only a few days ago and you're still reeling, so just sit back, wait a little and let your emotions level off (they will).

Listen to what WAT tells you. He's the perfect mentor. He's helped me a great deal and remember there are alot of male BS's here that know how you feel. Let us help you if we can. The fact that both you and your W are here on MB is great, your chances are beter than most. You're still dealing with the initial shock and pain, but that will subside. This is a terrible time for both of you, but the key is turning to each other. Help your W thru this and let her help you. You can get thru this if you keep focus on your goal, restoring your marriage, not focusing on the A. The A is not the problem, what led to the A is. Good luck to you both.

sad dad