Well new update......

My mother stopped at W's tonight to let her know about having my D this weekend and get my mail. I guess she is going to Omaha to visit relatives.

She told my mother she doesn't want anything from me and that I need to notify the post office about address change. She also told my mother that she doesn't feel that she will ever get over the fact that I withdrew money out of our joint account when we separated. (see she told me that night she was going to the bank to make sure I couldn't take any money.....well I beat her there and withdrew the same amount she had spent the last two weeks before separation , as she was already planning Divorce) She had a hidden checking account $1500, spent $2500 down on a new vehicle and paid her lawyer $1500 retainer, so I took money so I could live. Now she says I stole it!! How do you steal from a joint account. She is so money driven. I think this is the reason she won't work on marriage. She's always been in love with money. That's part of the reason we are to this point.....I was this way too. I put money and work above my wife, family and Christ. Money is more important and she can't get over that.

My mother said that it seems like she is all mad all over again. She said her grandparents are just apalled that I did that, but they only hear her side. My W is justifying everything. She even said that "IF certain things "money" hadn't happened after separation that maybe she would want to work on marriage"!!! Does she really believe this.

Can she get over this if I leave her alone and give her space? Can she still miss me? Does anyone believe she will still contact me? It seems like she is so unforgiving and bitter. Doesn't she realize that we are a family and that if we work on the marriage (which by the way is more important than any $$$) that the finances will be back in the family??????

She was being so nice to me on the phone 2 weeks ago and now she almost seems like the way she was at the initial separation again. Could someone be fueling this?

I was feeling good and now I don't know how to feel. I feel lost again ...like I'm back to square one again.

I'm starting to see the light, as far as things I could do better, but it seems like she may never snap out of this "place" she is in. She is still going to church, which in my opinion is hypocritical. If she really believed in Christ and His teachings then she would have a better understanding on what is important here or am I wrong?

Help me with your experiences and comments please!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

AlanArthur

I don't know much about your story at all but I just wanted to comment on what you wrote here. Based on the brief story here I would have to guess that the reason she was so nice before was because she was feeling full of herself over her secret machinations that were going so well. But now you upset the whole grand plan with a preemptive self-protective strike. Anything she has said since that happened is just garbage. She is making it sound as though she was considering reconciliation but now you went and spoiled everything by your crazy antics so now it's definitiely out of the question.

It sounds like she is hell bent to do her thing no matter what. I know Plan A is supposed to help, but man, you have to look out for your own well-being first and foremost! Her actions speak far more about her intentions than her words. Beware my friend, especially if she gets all nicey-nice again with you. I would seriously doubt her sincerity at this point in any efforts to reconcile with you. Be careful. I'm not going to declare your situation dead, but it is not in a good place. Take care of yourself. Be logical and cool and matter-of-fact in your dealings with her. Keep praying!

I don't know what it will take for the fog to lift, but it may take a long while. It's a chess game now. You must anticipate her moves for your own protection. This may have put her in a mode to become even more secretive to get things done they way she wants them to be. Keep your eyes open. I hate to say it, but she sounds like she has turned a cold heart to you for now. Don't be mean to her, be cordial, be as kind as you can be without being a rug to walk over. It's tough to watch someone you love headed down the wrong road, but sometimes we can't help them see the truth or error of their ways. Let Go and Let God! As they used to say. Good luck and God bless. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well I have decided to do something. After some thought I am going to return our wedding rings to her. Maybe with this gesture she will feel the pressure is off and I am moving on. I have been wearing mine and she knows that. I have her ring and keep it with me at all times (I feel it keeps her near me) Until she feels she wants to be married to me and she feels I deserve to wear the ring she gave me I feel this is best.

She also wants me to change my address with the post office. I feel she has gotten some important things addressed to me and gotten rid of them.

One thing perplexes me though...through all of this and her bitterness she has not told me or my parents to come get my personal things or brought them to us? This is strange because right after she filed she gathered everything of mine together.

At this point with everything that has been said and done that there is no way she is willing to work on it....no matter what I say or do. The EA I had will always be in the way. We never really talked about it to the extent we could or she could deal with it. If she was thinking about working on M then I feel she would give some indication, but that is not happening. She was still putting her profile on dating wesites and I'm sure she is in communication with some of these still. She told me that when she had a date he gave her compliments that made her feel good (things she said I hadn't been saying). She is looking for the "affection need". She needs to build up her self esteem and I guess I don't know how I could possibly do anything to show her that there is still life in our marriage.

my suggestion is to just be happy friendly and avoid all confrontations. That's what I did and now WW is acting like my friend. She talks to me and she is the one makin contact. I avoid our relationship unless she brings it up and even then I don't say much. I did the same thing you did when my wife left. I closed our account and had everything put in my name. I told her it wasn't that i didn't trust her I just didn't trust OM. She was mad at first but when I just acted like nothing was bothering me and everything was just great. she is now starting to see I'm thebetter man and she is now calling me and wanting to talk to me. So god bless you nd best of luck to you

You mentioned that you were involved in an EA at one time. Has she ever been a WW? prior to this separation? I'm not sure how to advise as I don't know whether she's left you for another man or because you had another woman.

No she has never been a WW. She did start internet dating the last few weeks before separation and has been on one date since. She believes that is different because when I had EA over a year ago and we were living together and now we're not.......so it is ok for her to see others. I guess the catholic girl doesn't realize we are still married. She knew of EA, but I denied for a year until I felt I had to come clean. I told her everything.......she feels I didn't and she now says if I had come clean then that it would have been better and she might have wanted to work on it. But, now she can't trust me and feels foolish because evryone knew but her and I always made her feel she was crazy....even though she had evidence. I have sincerely apologized. She said it doesn't bother her anymore, but she always brings it up, so I don't believe it. I know what it has done to her self-esteem as a woman. She looks at herself as someone who is inadequate and I have done everything to tell her that is not how I feel about her and I made a mistake when things were bad.

I am thinking of sending her a plan A letter with the returning of our rings. I must tell her I love her, but I must move on and am going to give her the greatest gift I could ever give her to show her I love her.....her freedom.

Do you guys and gals think this is something I should do or do I just sit here patiently waiting for her next move if it comes?

Personally, if I were in your wifes shoes and you sent me the rings and a Plan A letter it would just prove to me that you're words don't match your actions. You say you're going to give her time and space, then you push and push and push. Giving back the rings would come off like more pressure and game playing. If you want to really get her attention QUIT TRYING to get her attention. BACK OFF and keep concentrating on YOU. If you want to take your ring off and put it away with hers somewhere, then do that...my hubby did and I did notice. But I highly suggest NOT sending them to her. Think about it...after telling your mom that she probably fully expects a reaction from you...DON'T GIVE HER ONE!!!

Thank you hope......
You are right as always. She, I believe, is saying these things KNOWING it will get back to me. I truly think she is pushing my buttons to see if I am changing. NO REACTION is a change......
This is so tough to ride out. I will keep being the doormat. I am tough enough, but sometimes I start to faulter and I guess that's why I ask you guys and gals these questions before I do something stupid.

I have to believe that eventually she will let her guard down and some thoughts of reconciliation will set in. Maybe --Maybe Not.....but I have to see this out.

She is just so MATTER OF FACT lately...who IS this person?

I did find out she took my daughter to the doctor twice this week and never called me or my mother to tell us. GOD I HATE THAT!!! If I took her to the doctor I would tell her!

She said she wasn't going to use our daughter and do certain things, but she is anyway! Why??? She is constantly doing the guilt thing!

I just hope that if and when this does end in Divorce that we can still be friends and be there for our Daughter........if W wants that. She is so bitter.

AlanArthur,

I wish Yahoo comes up with a way for me to send you 2x4 via IM. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . Do nothing out of anger or out of your taker. Just do what we have plan to do ... a card a week or special occations, small gifts, help her financially, not a very lavish way but enough to let her know that you care. Let her make all the moves and take the punch ... it hurts, yes but it is a test for you. Don't deviate from that.

If she is back it is a blessing but if she won't you could pat your back and say "I have done everything humanly possible and move on guilt free". I think if you keep your focus on that you will be fine.

How do you fight sin/evil ? By doing good !. She might be bitter right now but down the road she will relook and second guessing her action. PTC.

-RH-

Redhat,
I am waiting patiently. Haven't done anything stupid, that is why I am here asking questions.

I realize that this is not my wife and my wife may come out of this body eventually when she figures things out. I feel she is testing me. I also feel that maybe it is s good idea for her to go out and have fun. Maybe then she will decide "Do I want this life or Married Life with my Husband?"

I have to let her go to see if she wants to come back. I am going to be so happy and nice on the phone when she calls....I know her she will eventually call when I have taken the pressure off and she is there sitting alone thinking of things!

OK, Alan, now I can relate. I could easily be in your wife's shoes. The only differences in our situations is that my H told me within one week of ending the A, and I (for the sake of my girl's) never left. Our marriage was in the pits prior to his A. I would guess that yours is too. Your frustration stems from the fact that you now want to make changes and you DO want to fix your marriage, but your wife seems unwilling.

Had I determined to leave my H, I would have probably pulled the same money stunts that she did. I would have felt justified too in that he committed the A, not me. Hopefully within a short time I would have come to my senses and been more Christian like with my actions.

More later...

sorry for the interruption, thought I heard someone pull up in the yard...

Had I left, the following are the things my H could have done/not done to have the best chance at getting me back:

1. Yes, basically being a doormat up to the point of constantly being available to do things for me like change the toilet paper, or help me change sheets. You know, if her oil needs changed in her car, tell her you'll be glad to do it, but put her off for a couple of days. If it is a true emergency COME RUNNING!!! If she's still relying on you to do the "man" things around the house (leaky faucets etc) that means no one else is taking your place yet. It also gives you a lot of chances to fill her love bank. Us women love to have someone do our honey do jobs.

2. Had my H started dating ANYONE, our M would be over. Do not start dating until it is ultraclear that she's moving on. To get her back, she must see that she is still #1 in your heart. (I might give different advice to gals in this situation, but being a woman and a BS, any feelings I had for FWH would have been written off if I saw him with any other woman. BSs are so full of jealousy that you don't need a new blonde on your arm to trigger her thoughts of your A).

3. Let her know in a kind way that should she ever need help, even if she's needing help dealing with a dating relationship that's going sour, to call you. She's going to find out that there are a lot of creeps out there. And especially with your D in the mix. If she says one of them is making her uncomfortable, stalking her, etc. BE HER KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR!!! Only do this at her request though. If your daughter's safety is at stake, take matters in your own hands, but don't try to run your Ws dating life.

4. Be patient. She's thinking that she can do better than you. After looking awhile, she's probably going to miss the comfortability that you had together. She's going to get tired of looking for the ever elusive "perfect man". She's going to see that there are imperfections in all men (and yes, us women are imperfect too, wasn't trying to be sexist there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). What you have to be is the closest thing she's had to perfect. You have to NOT play games with her (as her "new" fellows probably will), not stand her up for meetings, not be manipulative and ugly, and above all be FATHER OF THE YEAR. Us ladies want someone who's going to take care of our children, love them, protect them, make them feel like they are princesses. I have daughters too, and one of the quickest ways to make my heart smile is to do something to make my girls smile. Do it genuinely for your daughter though, because if your W thinks you are trying to manipulate her, it will back fire on you!!

That's all I can think of right now. Looks like a pretty tall order reading back over it. Basically, show her she and your daughter are first over yourself without being a total push over. She's going to push to see how much you'll be willing to take. You'll have to take, and take, but do know when she's getting absurd with it and be willing to put your foot softly down.

<small>[ November 16, 2002, 04:46 PM: Message edited by: jamup ]</small>

Alan,

Please be patient. Now that I advise you to be patient with your ws, can I do this too? I hear you when you say WHO IS THIS PERSON????

My h and I met when I was 16, he was 17- he has been everything to me since... I even married someone else... once when we were states apart and more in a just friends stage... who wante d more but we were too far apart, and he was dating someone else... when I got into the marriage... but I never stopped thinking of my H. NEVER. I still can't, I am 34 now. In fact can I do something to forget this Man???? for now anyway?
Just kidding...

Anyway, your w sounds so in the FOG. Jamup has given you awesome advice, do what you can for her in any way and meet her needs even if they are financial.. .us women need that.... Be patient... she is in her FOG.

Just wait, and be her knight in shining armor, when she wants you... but not when she does not... give the space !

I promise, they , ws, will come closer to us - bs, when we let them do it at their pace, not ours. We are so impatient, wanting what we had back.. that they have taken away...

Oh well, I am hoping I am making some sense.... I have been here hurting a lot today , my ys is with dad... ws, older son with my parents... so here I am alone... Nice since I hardly ever get time alone.. but I ALWAYS loved the wkends with my family.. now I don't have that.

he took it away.

Hugs AA, it is a hard road to travel. Do the best you can to save it, don't push , that is your challenge right now.... schedule things for you so that you won't have time to sit and worry and start to push.

Hugs, HONEY