I don't know if all of you are familiar with my story, but I am not doing well with Plan A right now. My husband seems to be Plan B'ing me. He doesn't call much at all anymore, not even our son and barely sees him. However, I have to call regarding financial matters and try to keep conversation friendly. I don't know what it is but he seems to be distant, and acting a little aggravated sometimes when we do talk. Alot of the time he'll allow me to say what I have to say then rush off the phone. I'm beginning to feel as if he doesn't like me, and definately NOT love me. As I said though I try to keep the conversation friendly and at times he will talk more freely and open up a LITTLE BIT. Do I keep just Plan A'ing? It is SOOO frustrating. He told me 2 weeks ago that he was going to spend X-mas with us(my son and I), then TOLD me yesterday that he was going to come and get my son to be with him for X-mas. How unfair? I asked him to be with him at our house for X-mas and he quickly agreed, if it was that easy to agree then why the whole uproar about coming to get our son? He's confusing the he!! outta me. He doesn't even seem to miss me anymore, what is going on. Can someone please give me a better understanding what may be going on in his head? Oh, by the way, he called my cousin (who he confides in) just last week and told him that he was happy and doesn't call because he doesn't want me to think we're getting back together or anything. So I asked him is this the reason he's not calling, and he said he does NOT remember saying this? What the heck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

By the way when we were talkin two days ago he was telling me that I should get this CD that is full of love songs. He was telling me how good the CD is and on and on...we did have a good conversation that day. I'm tryin to keep the communication lines open so I do call once in awhile because our conversations were starting to get awkward and uneasy. I thought this was maybe because we weren't talkin about anything except kid stuff, finances, and household things. I sometimes feel as if we're drifting apart, then sometimes I feel as if he wants things to be "normal."

Have you ever heard the saying, "Why do we always want what we know we can't have?" Is it possible that he knows he can have you at anytime so he keeps you on the back burner as the alternate should he not be able to find something better? Would it be possible to make him feel like you could take him or leave him? How long have you been plan Aing? Plan A's hard when you aren't around the person much. Maybe it's time to quit the idle chit chat and just talk business when you call. He might surprise you by calling YOU to chit chat. Most Hs are this way to some degree - They'll look at other men's wives, but get ticked off if another man looks at their wife. He may think he has you hidden away where no one will take you from him, but yet he can go about his tomcatting ways. He probably needs a good dose of maturity, but aiding his immaturity by coddling him isn't going to force him to make any decisions or changes.

Thank you for responding Jam.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Is it possible that he knows he can have you at anytime so he keeps you on the back burner as the alternate should he not be able to find something better? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is what I'm afraid of. What if he does? I'm trying so hard to change for myself and for my M. I have only been Plan A'ing for about a month, but prior to that he was calling much more frequently and opening up a bit more about what was going on in his life. Now he seems to be secretive or rather just doesn't tell me anything. I don't know if he is having an A, however when I do call he's always alone and I can tell because of certain things that he says or usually it's his male friends around. How can I make myself more desireable to him? How can I make myself seem more a friend and at least rebuild the foundation of our friendship? Sometimes he almost seems angry at me and I don't know why. Honestly, I was still asking him questions regarding him seeing this person or that person (people I knew) and I'm sure that made him angry but do I NOT have that right to know if I'm friends with these people. At this point I really don't ask much of ANYTHING at all. My MIL is having a suprise birthday party today and I wasn't invited. Even though I live in GA and it's in NYC, I still feel VERY left out. I hate it, I'm beginning to hate my whole IL family <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> [B][/B] <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

What part of GA are you in? I used to live in Atlanta.. that is where all my inlaws that hate me live... I don't like them too much <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> - considering they enable the A and just support ws weather he is drunk, irresponsible or just plain freaked out.... anyway, vent vent.

Hugs from tx to you! Honey

Hi Honey,
I live in Lawrenceville, GA. I am moving back up north on 11/22/02. I just CANNOT be here with just my son and I, I am miserable. I have found an apartment and we are leaving. My H was supposed to be here in our brand new home, and he is galavanting about. I need insight as I am so new to this ridiculous behavior of his. I am not as depressed as I was, I am actually beginning to HATE him. Thank you for responding.

luvhazeleyes

Here I am again venting. My husband told me yesterday that he was going home to NY to attend him Mom's birthday party. (We both lived in NY together up until separation in 6/02) Well he arrived in NY today and again for the second time he called my sister (fathers side) to tell her he was going to stop by. (My sister is gay so no I'm not worried) I just don't understand why whenever he's in NY hes always hanging out with my cousins or even stopping by my sister's house. He never really associated with her before at all except on a cordial level. My sister told me that maybe he does this so that bits of information can get back to me so that I can move on with my life. She says maybe he's not comfortable being blatant with me, and wants others to tell me how HE'S moving on with HIS life. Could this be true, please someone help me. I don't know what to think but that logic sounds crazy to me. However, he has never told my sister much except the fact that "someone" that my sister and I both know was trying to hit on him and that happened 1 month ago. He also hasn't told my cousin anything regarding him seeing anyone, except the fact that he's happy now and doesn't want me to think we're getting back together so he doesn't call me. So if he really wanted me to move on, wouldn't he be dishing out more concrete information instead of being evasive with me and my family. He is still NOT admitting to an A at all? Please give me some insight, even if it does seem a little juvenile. My husband is acting very immature so please bear with me.

Hi,

JMHO, from this post is that you need to meet with an MC or IC or even Steve or Jennifer and get some guidance.

Sounds more like plan B is a better option. You can plan B and have limited conversations. I spelled out my plan B items and kept it to money, mail and child visitation. That one blew a whole in the A. It didn't die then but began to spiral. Believe it or not the plan B action scared the OW since she no longer had control over me via the WS. See limiting contact does have it's benefits.

Take a look at the plan B option. Your venting shows you are building up anger. While that is understandable, you need to be able to keep it in check. Plan B will help you do so. Sounds like reverse logic and in a sense it is (get someone's attention by NOT talking to them?). But remember you are dealing with a fog head and from your post, he wants others to do his dirty work for him. Well prep those people if you can and have them push back that responsibility on him. Is he a conflict avoider?

What does your son have to say about all this?

L.

<small>[ November 17, 2002, 11:51 AM: Message edited by: luvhazeleyes ]</small>

Hi Orchid,
Thank you so much for responding. Yes he is a conflict avoider. So you honestly agree with what my sister is saying regarding him wanting me to move on? He doesn't have to stop by and see her or call her. He also doesn't HAVE to be with my cousins and hang out with them. Why doesn't he just separate from them if he wants nothing to do with me? The other day when we spoke he brought up R talk and I told him that one of my friends confronted me and asked were we not together because she'd "heard" that he didn't want to be with me anymore. He told me that I should tell her and everyone else that is NOT true, that we are just taking a break because we are having a few minor problems. This is crazy to me. I don't know what to think or believe anymore. My son wants his Dad home so badly. Three weeks ago when he was here to visit my son, he told me that he spoke with my son about our situation and told him that although he won't see him much anymore that he loves him..etc...I asked my son (not blatantly) did my H mention anything about my he not seeing my son as often as before and etc..and my son said no...I don't think he even had this talk with my son..I don't know what is going on. Please help Orchid, I'm really really sad today and confused.

By the way, if there is an OW she would be residing in the state that he's living in now. Which leads me to believe that they would NOT know that he is married, therefore my Plan B with limited couldn't blow a whole in anything as far as OW is concerned. Why won't he just come clean?????

Dear luv,

Well does your family want to deal with him right now? What are they saying when he 'babbles' to them?

Now let's smarten you up a bit and let you see what you can do to help yourself. ok?

Identify and use your support groups. Your H will babble different babble to different persons. If you believe everything he is saying to everyone, you will have one MAJOR headache!!!

Use your support group to gather info. If they are willing to work with you, let them talk straight to him so they can let him know when he is talking stupid (they will be your sounding board). As regards your son. Mine was six when I found out. I leveled with our son that his father moved out because he wanted to communicate with someone that was NOT a friend of the family and if that was more important than our family, his dad had to leave. Oh yea, the Ws did not want to be painted in such a bad way but it was the truth. The WS was angry that I gave the OW such a 'bad reputation'. REmember that in the WS eyes, the OW has done no wrong.....in fact I was told she is a loyal, trustworthy and honest person! Right!?!?!?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Well my son knew this anyway. My son became one of my strongest supporters. I did not turn him against his father. He was still required to respect his dad. About 3 months after d/d, my son asked to write a letter to his dad. Why? Well every so often my son would ask a question about his dad. I would give a short answer but told him that he should ask his dad also. That little guy finally told me that he was too ashamed to ask his dad. Hm.... so on his own, he asked to write him a letter. It was a 4 sentence letter. 2 questions and 2 statements. It went something like this:

Dad,
What do you want to D mom? Why did you leave us? I want you to come home. I miss you.

Love,
Son

Those 4 sentences ripped at the WS heart. At the same time the OW was telling WS that his son did NOT need him. That his son would be ok without his dad. The nutty OW carried that line for over 2 years. Even said it again this year when she tried to rekindle the A. That is why she carries the title of PBR (Psyco babble rabbit - LOL!!)

Anyway, time finally told the WS that the OW was wrong and his son's little letter was right. He kept the letter and mentioned it to me just the other night.

I keep the lines of commuication with my son open for all subjects. My son did not like talking about his dad, since he felt betrayed. My son felt that once his dad left that to have no dad was bad and the kids in school would make fun of him. See I had not even considered that point, so we both had to convince our son that no one in school would make fun of him for that reason. I even let H bear the brunt of that conversation.

You know what? About 4 months after d/d and 3 months after WS moved out, my son came to me and asked me to go and get him another dad. He said his dad, left and he needed a dad, so the logical thing was to go get another dad. Just like that. We had a discussion about it and I informed his dad of his son's request. Hm....... guess where that request took the WS? Yep, caused another LB incident with him and OW. Yipee!!!

So see how using our supporters can help? It can reduce the weight of dealing with all the pain and help us out.

Don't worry about where the OW is. If it is more of an EA than a PA, it is harder but hey, let others make the WS' life miserable. He deserves it. JMHO of course.

Let me know if this makes sense.

take care,
L.

Dear Luv,

Just wanted to let you know that I am turning in the for the night. I will check on you tomorrow. I have a garage sale to do in the morning.....already did one today and an bushed.

L.

Luv- I am thinking of you and that you are leaving your home... are you sure about that? Where will you stay in NY?

Really if you stand strong and show ws you will not be pushed around by his childish actions, that may work better? Do you have a job now? Do you have a job lined up in NY?

I am concerned you are making emotional decisions....

I know how hard it is to let go! Letting go will set you free ... show him how strong a lady you are without him, even though you cry when he is not looking.

YOu are likely in a good place for your child,.... what about school? Is your son/ daughter in school now? Do you have family in Lawrenceville? I know it is a good place for kids, perhaps better and easier for you to make it on your own than in NY?

I am worried, don't run back to him and be sooo available... YOu really don't want him unless he wants to come to you and be a good h.

It does sound like he is hanging in a party scene.. honestly, I have not been in a group situation where I would see someone hitting on someone right in front of my eyes in quite a while.... If he wants this type of life instead of a good family life with you and your child... what is his problem?

Yes, he is acting like a teenager- remember you are not. It sounds a bit like he is choosing the lifestyle not choosing because of you or something you did... it is a LIFESTYLE of a nondad, nonhusband that he is seeking.

he can't handle his responsibilities... NOW, I may be self reflecting way too much, because this is what my ws is doing... he is blaming me and saying it is all me, then it is him who cannot handle the life me and the kids need and deserve.

Hugs, HONEY

Hi,

Thank you for responding.
Honey
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am thinking of you and that you are leaving your home... are you sure about that? Where will you stay in NY? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We are originally from NYC but I will NOT be moving back there. I have already signed my lease on an apartment in New Jersey. I have no family here, no emotional or physical support and it is extremely depressing. Yes we have a six year old son who is in school and I have everything lined up north.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am worried, don't run back to him and be sooo available... YOu really don't want him unless he wants to come to you and be a good h.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My husband is not in the NY area. He is currently living in SC about 3 hrs from here. Therefore I won't be available to him at all. I have to do this for my own sanity, I have to be sane in order to be a good Mom to my son. I also have a job lined up in NY and am hoping things will be better for me. I have lost alot of weight and I am almost NEVER happy down here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It does sound like he is hanging in a party scene.. honestly, I have not been in a group situation where I would see someone hitting on someone right in front of my eyes in quite a while.... If he wants this type of life instead of a good family life with you and your child... what is his problem?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have never seen him hit on anyone in front of me AT ALL. He is still denying an A. He is saying doesn't want a commitment right now. etc....Typical fog.

Luvhazeleyes

----BUMP----

Hi Luv,

I just got in from the garage sale. Whew! Worked real hard today. Funny how people are, some are nice and you want to give then a bargain, others are belligerent and you just have to stand firm....... One guy was pushy and wanted me to go lower than my lowest limit..... I told him instead I would go up! Talk about babble, he looked at me a bit funny then walked away. Later he bought the safety glasses for the original asking price. I just hate it when you give them your best and they just want more. Not so much because they are just trying to negogiate a better price but just to irritate. There is a difference.

Wanted to see how you were doing.

Catcha later!

L.

Hi Orchid,
Wow you had a long day, at least you were busy. Yea I guess the guy just wanted to see how far he could push. (men!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) I wanted to say hi, I'm feeling a little bit today, hopefully better tomorrow. I will be praying again in a few minutes.

Oops Orchid,
I meant to say I am feeling somewhat better today. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> The post posted on its own. Taking your advice and doing whats best for me.

luvhazeleyes