Last time I posted, I told you about the talk I had with my W regarding why the D and the sale of the house is going so slowly. I also told you that my W doesn't think she'll ever be happy again. I haven't talked to her about that since, but if you remember, she told me there were several minor repairs that needed to be done around the house before we could put it on the market. I did those repairs last Friday, but she hasn't mentioned anything about the house since. I stopped at the house yesterday to drop something off and it's still a mess. Although I took care off the things she asked me too, she has done nothing towards getting it ready to sell. Why?

It almost seems like we are both taking the attitude that if we don't talk about it, it's not happening. I know why I'm doing that, but I don't know why she is. I plan on talking to her this weekend about the house, maybe setting some time table, and about my concerns she may be depressed. Not much new to report, just wanted to give you all a little update.

sad dad

SD,

I tend to agree that she may be depressed. Not a lot you can do about it under the present conditions though. Perhaps a talk will help.

As to the house it seems as if she is trying to hold on to it? If this is the case, the question is why. Could it be that she sees it as a way to hold on to a life she used to have? A life with you? I don't know.

So, how are you doing? I mean really doing? Hope you are well.

jd

jd,

I'm going to stop by the house tomorrow night to talk with my W. I'm going to tell her that I'm worried she might be depressed and encourage her to talk to someone, a therapist. I'm concerned about her and I want her to be happy, for her sake and our daughter's. I'm also going to talk about the house. I've done what she's asked me to do, but if I have to take the reigns on selling the house I will.

"As to the house it seems as if she is trying to hold on to it? If this is the case, the question is why. Could it be that she sees it as a way to hold on to a life she used to have? A life with you? I don't know."

I don't know either. Maybe your right or maybe she knows she has nowhere to go once it's sold. It could be in her current mental or emotional state, she just can't muster up the motivation or iniative to do what needs to be done. It puzzles me to no end. Your guess is as good as mine.

How am I? I've been better. In addition to everything that's happening with my marriage, I found out this week that my mother, who has Alzheimer's, is near the end stage. Her doctor says she "medically compromised", which is his way of saying that her condition has deteriorated so much that her body is shutting down. She cannot talk, can barely walk and has forgotten how to eat or swallow. She's lost 35 lbs in the last 4 months. There's nothing they can do for her. Seems I'm losing the two most important women in my life at the same time. Thanks for your concern.

sad dad (and son)

SD,

I wish you luck with your conversation today. I hope you get some answers, or some sort of closure to some of the issues you have/are faced/facing.

I am very sorry to hear about your mother. You must be one strong fellow to deal with everything you have and still remain sane. I don't know if you are religous or not, but, lean on Him all you can.

My best to you SD. And my prayers for your comfort during these dark times.

jd

Dear SD,

Sorry to hear about your mom. It is sooo hard to see a loved one suffer so. It is not fair for you to have to suffer from both ends like this. Your mom's case is beyond your control and her's. I know when my grandmother died, I was angry at the world. To deal with it even closer and with the sitch with your W, will require that you get good support. Please let us know how we can help.

Prayers for you and your family are coming.

As for your W, she may be trying to hold onto what she can for comfort level. Sounds like her words are NOT matching her actions. Hm..... my MIL does the same to my FIL and they are divorced. He still pays for the home she lives in and he also gets notes from the city because she is not keeping it up properly. This angers him and I tell him (along with some of his children) that he needs to separate the home issue from her and not keep tied to her due to the house. That way, if she chooses to live in a sloppy way (due to depression or whatever - because this has been an ongoing issue - I don't even go over there unless I absolutely must), then it is her issue and my FIL will not have to keep bailing her out. She does try to blame others but it doesn't work. She was this way when her children lived with her and after they all moved out.

While depression plays a big role in how some act, it should not be an excuse to not be responsible. Will the home be in jeporady as a result of her not keeping it up? If so, can you also get custody of your D?

I know you are undergoing a lot, you don't have to answer.

take care,

L.

jd & orchid,

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. I keep telling myself that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I'm holding up OK under the circumstances.

"As for your W, she may be trying to hold onto what she can for comfort level. Sounds like her words are NOT matching her actions."

Exactly, strange thing is SHE brought up selling the house after I moved out. I've taken care of the things she asked me to, but she hasn't for whatever reason. All I can do is talk to her about her depression (or whatever is making her feel like she does) and hope she gets help. As far as the house, seems that I'm going to have to take care of selling the it myself, all I'll ask her to do is keep it clean. I don't know what's holding her back, depression (I know that's not an excuse, but it may be the reality of the situation) or knowing she has nowhere to go once the house is sold. I can't really worry about that. Once the house is sold, that will break all ties between us (except for our daughter) and she'll truly be on her own (which might scare her). She'll have what she wants (or thinks she wants) and where she lives, how she lives or what kind of life she has will no longer be my concern.

It's so sad because she really is a terrific woman, she's just been so unhappy for a long time, still doesn't know why and doesn't see herself being happy again. What a gloomy outlook on life. Most people who want a D at least believe they'll be happy once they're divorced, she admitted she won't be. I'm not happy either, but I know why, I know what it will take to be happy again and I know I will be.

Thanks again for your concern.

sad dad

Just wanted to add.. that I have been experiencing depression during this seperation and I find it hard to act normally.... and get my housework done, my work done at work and even caring for me and such... I am unmotivated and depressed that my life is what it is...

I don't have insurance right now, but would love to go back on antid's and maay find some way to do it, as they seemed to help... but I am trying very hard to just snap out of it...

I feel that if I had the support of my husband and his love I would not be so depressed,... for me it is difficult to think I am doing all this just for me and the kids.. but we are worth it..

I know I have to snap out of my funk... but sometimes it is very hard.

I had an old friend visit and she helped me clean for several hours... I kept telling her, I am so embarrasseed to even have someone over.. but my house and my things were over whelming me...

It was and is all I can do some days to make it to work and bath and take care of my kids, and ad d housework to that, and it not being my forte either? and depression and confusion ovver the marriage?

Just wanted to add, that if your wife is normally more capable and more of a doer, she is surely unhappy, depressed and etc. and that is affecting this house thing.

Hugs, HONEY