Resilient: Thanks for encouragement again!

Cali: I've missed you..thanks for responding!

Today I switched shifts. They shift every 2 weeks and now I'm on 6:30-2:30. Because our kids are too young to stay home alone that long before school (I leave at 5:50), my H goes to our house about 6:00 and stays with them for a couple of hours before he goes to work. Now..I've done 4 weeks total of the early shift before (this job is new..had to get a fulltime job when he left), and he's never said anything. I've had friends tell me I shouldn't make him coffee, but I figure anyone who goes to my house at 6:00 a.m. deserves coffee, H or not! So..I never hear anything but this morning I got an e-mail at work saying 'thanks for the coffee'. I was shocked.

Now..don't want to read too much into it, as last week a mutual friend of ours phoned him and apparently lit into him about why does he have to be so mean to me, so..maybe he's just taken that to heart and decided she's right. Or...maybe because I mentioned that dating thing on the weekend he's figuring ...good, she'll soon be off my back so I can be nice to her..

What does anyone think?

Hi Kimmy...the coffee thing was good, now try leaving him some warm muffins to go with the coffee. I know thats too damm early to be up making muffins. I guess though in plan b that would be a no-no. I always think the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. But then you could always leave a note saying i made these for the kids lunches, help yourself to one or two.

As far as you thinking about what your friend said to him, all i can say is just wait and see how it goes. Just try to be patient a little longer. Wait till Xmas and H sees the house decorated and the tree, (maybee some Xmas music playing in the backgroud, I saw Mommy kissing Santa Clause., mistle toe, some bags with some things bought, maybee the wrapping paper on the table). I am no expert , but i would like to try plan aing him just before the holidays. His first xmas away, its bound to strike a nerve somewhere.....take care...A/C0810

Hi! Glad to get your response!

Re Plan A'ing for the holidays, I had asked that a couple of posts ago and the responses seemed to indicate Plan B should continue. I also thought that Plan A might be good, so if anyone else out there has advice, I'd love to weigh all the responses and figure out what to do.

I will be patient. I think I'll just leave the coffee for now (even though I know that's not Plan B!) and we'll see how it goes the rest of the week. Also, we have our d's birthday this week and will see each other twice for that.

Thanks for input!

Kimmy1-

Reading your posts just breaks my heart as I know as a BS how disappointing it can be when the WS doesn't show any signs of changing. I can tell from your posts that you won't have any trouble meeting someone if this doesn't work out with your H as you seem to be a very caring and thoughtful person! Stay strong and give it time as it's obvious that you still have feelings for you H.

Here's a Irish blessing to help you through your tought spots:

May the road rise up
to meet you
may the wind be
always at your back
May the sun shine warm
on your face
And the rain fall soft
upon your fields...
May God hold you
in the palm of his hand

Good luck and hang in there! -G

Thank you for the encouragement. Very nice words..thank you.

I love that Irish blessing as well. In one of my previous posts I mention looking for my brother. Well, my brother is in England and I met a wonderful friend who helped me with 'footwork', etc over there and he is originally Irish. He sent me that blessing a while ago and it's lovely to see it again.

Yes..disappointment big time. I just don't get it. Why my H would give up his wife and family who adore him, and leave his life behind still boggles my mind every single day. I know many of us ask this question every day. Just gotta keep hanging in there.

Well, tonight I was strong. My H has the kids overnight and he is usually here by 5:00 to get them. As I was on early shift today, I was home by 3:30 and able to make a really nice casserole that I haven't had time (or desire) to make in a long time. The plan was for me to have it for my supper, and the leftovers me and the kids will have tomorrow night.

Anyway, at 5:30 my H calls and tells my D that he is late and won't be there until about 5:50. This means they will be really rushed as my D has karate at 7:00 and they still need to go to my H's for dinner (25 minutes away) and then come all the way back for her lesson (here in our town). He tells her it means they'll have to stay in town and have McDonald's and go straight to karate. My D was upset about this.

Anyway, of course my first thought was 'gee..I could just have him and the kids eat here..plenty of supper for everyone, and it's one of my H's favorites). But..no..I was strong. I just let my H come, smell the aroma of the casserole in the air, and wave them all goodbye. I'm sure a month ago I would have felt bad, but it felt good tonight!

Hi Kimmy....good for you. Lets just hope he leaves thinking, gee why didnt she ask me to stay for supper. You could probably do a good plan b with the xmas idea. You dont have to be there and still make everything extra xmas like when he does come over. I know my H doesnt care for xmas one way or another, he thinks its just a big commercial money grabbing thing. Just making peoples bills get higher and higher. If your H really gets excited over the xmas thing, you could well use that to your advantage and still have no contact. I know how tired of all this crap you are, but if you wanted to give it a try you could go all out with it. Look in some magazines for xmas decorating and buy some new stuff. Make it seem like look we are going to have a wonderful xmas with or without you, but boy look what you are going to be missing. If it has no impact , at least the kids will enjoy the extra effort you put in it, and maybe take their minds off the hurt they are feeling. So all wont be lost, you will have helped the children feel a little bit better. I know the last thing you feel like doing is thinking about the holidays. I know , we didnt have any pumpkins this year for Halloween, and i am so mad at myself for this. I was just so upset back then. I didnt feel like doing any decorating for Halloween, and i do it every year. Anyway, must get my daughter off to school..hang in there...A/C0810

Hi! Thanks for posting. My H loves occasions. We have loads of Xmas decorations already..boxes and boxes of them, and I was thinking of getting them out last night and start looking through them, but I think your idea about new stuff might be a great idea. Just a few new things (re $), but stuff that he would see from the front hallway, which is the only place he sees now anyway. I think I will do that!

I won't see him tonight, but tomorrow night he's at our house for our d's birthday. This was arranged prior and my d is so happy that we've agreed to exchange her gifts together. So..can't change that now, but plan to look really good and be fun to be around, and then just say bye when he leaves.

Yes..I am so sick of all of this! But..yesterday and today I felt better. And, this might sound strange to everyone out there, but I watched our wedding video last night (the kids were at my H's). I sobbed all the way through, which I knew I would, but I felt really good after. For some reason it made me feel better because it was sooo obvious on that day how my my H loved and adored me. Made me know that everything he's said over the last 4 months is such a lie and that our years together were worth it all. He's chosen to break those vows, but our love was strong for years prior. Right now I feel like I need to 'feel the pain' to move through it, hence my decision to watch the video. I've also watched movies that were special to us, and it's been part of the moving on process for me.

I keep praying. That's all I can do!

Is it okay to bump up my own post? Just starting to feel down and getting responses gets me through. Thanks!

Not a problem!!!

BIG HUGS! [[[[[[[[[[kimmy1]]]]]]]]]]]

Here's a link to some info that might give you "food for thought!"

How to LIVE your life in the FACE of relational DISASTER!

Cali

Thanks Cali. I miss my H.

Today and yesterday were great days at work though. I've been there almost 2 months now and I'm feeling good, and feel great now passing people and smiling big and saying hi. That's a good feeling.

That's a big step for me and I appreciate the good feelings instead of just trying to make it through the day with thoughts of my H in my mind every minute.

Tonight I went through old e-mails my H and I sent that were still in the system. They date back to about early April. It's funny, because reading them now I realize that around the beginning of April his notes started to end with 'love ya', instead of 'love you', and instead of opening each one he sent to me with 'Kimmy', he said nothing. Then as we get more recent in dates his notes start to fill with he's tired, not feeling well, etc. I think it was the beginning of him deciding not to love me, or perhaps the re-beginning of his EA (or PA..heaven forbid) with his boss again.

Oh well. Just trying to get through this week where we'll see each other alot because of our daughter's birthday and the Xmas parade.

I was at my friend across the street's after work for tea, and she'd just read a new book on affairs and she was reading me parts of it where it says it takes a minumum of 2 years for a spouse to 'wake up and miss what they've left'. Yikes! I know that's not true for everyone, but I didn't like hearing those words.

Kimmy,
Just thinking of you, reading about your struggles and hoping things get better for you soon. I don't think you messed things up with the car ride. Just do your Plan B as best you can. Maybe not spending Christmas with his family will wake your husband up. Plan B is like practicing for the reality of divorce. He needs to know that he won't be sitting around the tree with you, in fact in time, there may be another man sharing that day with you and your kids.

I understand that you need to hold out the hope of dating. I think though that it is best to take it slow. Maybe at least wait until one of you has filed for either separation or divorce. I know that divorces can take awhile depending on what state you are in. But it is best to wait until things are more settled. Your H could use your dating against you in a settlement- psychologically figuring that you've moved on quickly and will have another man to help you out financially soon. Yes, don't appear to be a wallflower, work on yourself so he sees you as attractive. And if he doesn't- someone else will!

Espoir: Thanks for posting.

About the dating. I definitely DON'T want to date anyone..I choose my H. I just mentioned it to my kids to 'plant the seed' that it may happen sometime so they have it in the back of their mind and we can discuss it more if they ever want to. And, just trying to psychologically prepare myself too that my H may be gone for good as there's no indication othewise and that I know I would like a companion.

My H still hasn't brought the separation papers to me. In a post a while back I think I mentioned that I agreed to help with the paperwork and we agreed to have it all prepared to be filed in the new year and then our money wouldn't be tied up before Christmas, and emotionally it wouldn't be one extra thing during that hard time. But, as usual, that's the last I've heard of it. I gave him the last of his clothes he had here the other night, and he doesn't even blink. Doesn't seem to upset him at all that he's gone and now most of his stuff is out of here also. No remorse or sadness showing.

We live in Canada and I believe you have to be separated one year before you can file for divorce.

I think my H is still in such a fog with his boss (every day I feel stronger it's her) that he won't miss me at Xmas..but he will miss our kids, so I'm expecting he'll be emotional over not being with them as much.

Anyway, thanks for the kind words.

Bumping myself. My H was cool last night when he dropped the kids off. Couldn't get out of the house fast enough.

It's such a struggle day to day....even hour to hour sometimes. I know it has to hurt when he's so cold to you. You need to think that it's fog, not you. I hope that the holidays does wake him up a bit...my H is not big into them so I don't think that will be a big deal. In fact I believe he has plans the weekend before to visit OW, so I'm sure he'll be looking forward to that.

I'm in a different situation where my H has said he wants out, but we can't afford not to live together right now and I'm pregnant so we're staying together for the time being. He is pleasant and kind and sometimes it's like nothing is wrong, so that part doesn't hurt....it's when he goes on the computer then and emails OW how much he misses her, loves her, is hers forever, etc. this is when I wonder how he can be so warm to me and to her.
I sometimes wish he'd be more cool, but then again I guess I don't since we are living together. I know I at least have a chance to plan A although I have big doubts about this working.
Your H being cool may be his way of not having you get your hopes up too....or letting himself care too much.

It will be interesting to see what the holidays do for us.

Hang in there and try to look for positives!

Hi. Yes..my H is definitely cool to me for a reason. He's told me and friends that he hasn't been friendly to me because he doesn't want me to think he's coming back. Very hard.

Even though I know deep down it will take him to be hit by lightning or something to 'wake' up and give us a chance, it's hard for me to get through each day as my feelings haven't changed, even after 4 & 1/2 terrible months. And, the fact that I'm pretty positive his EA/PA is with his boss doesn't help as obviously they are together every day.

I hope the holidays make a difference but I'm not hoping.

Well, my H was here tonight for our d's birthday.
He came after work..we ordered pizza..ate a cake I'd made..gave her our gifts, and then he played computer games with her until he had to leave about 10 minutes ago as it's the kids' bedtime.

Dinner was great..everything was great. How can what he have now be better. All that was missing was affection between the two of us. Otherwise, you would have thought it was a regular night here in the house.

bump

Bumping again..

Kimmy,

I haven't forgotten about you. I've been following your threads. I know the feeling you had when things went well for your d's birthday. Don't get your hopes up though. It is too early for that. I still wonder what it takes for the OP to really wake up. I sometimes have doubts and wonder if it is me who needs to wake up.

I'm still keeping you in my prayers.

Be well.