Hi! I've been wondering about you. Haven't heard from you in a while..thanks for posting!

Well..believe me, I'm not getting my hopes up. I will just take every moment of 'getting along' with my H as a step forward, whether it leads to us or not. The funny thing is, when we have a good night like last night, I feel more positive about being alone. That sounds strange I know. What I mean, is that I know I'm fun and friendly and nice, and so if he sees me like this and still doesn't want me..his loss.

My D said that he told her this morning that he was glad last night worked out.

Tonight we had a hockey game out of town and I left a bit early with the kids to do an errand on the way. We got to the arena before my H and he said he'd called here to see if we should ride up together but we'd already left. In my first post of this thread I talked about asking him for a ride but I didn't mention anything about tonight, so he took it upon himself to call here. Again, not letting it mean anything because as I said previously he's probably just being polite because he's figured out it's better for all of us.

I know his fog is still thick and will never clear until he's away from his boss. So, that could be years.

I know exactly what you mean about maybe we're the ones who should 'wake up'. I think about that all the time - why we are so determined to work on a marriage with a spouse that has done this to us. Oh well. Can't help how we feel I guess.

I see him again tomorrow night as my D has her birthday party and we need two cars as there are too many girls to fit in mine. So..I'll just be friendly and fun again.

After this week we'll be back to not seeing each other much except hockey games as my D's birthday celebrations will be over, so we'll see if he wants to make any contact/effort then. I'm not holding my breath. Plus, the thought of him with another woman is just devastating to me, so I don't want to allow myself to really 'feel' for him even though we're together alot this week, as it's very hard to be with him knowing he's giving his attention to someone else.

Anyway, you take care and I've been following your posts too.

bump

^^^

No answers... just hugs....

[[[[[kimmy1]]]]]

Cali

& maybe some inspiration for you:

from Michele Weiner Davis's site divorcebusting.com ( http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks8.html )

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">While My Spouse Decides
Perhaps you are someone whose spouse is in the midst of an affair and it is making you crazy. You feel like giving up on your marriage. Worse yet, you feel like being hurtful. Don't do anything you will regret in the long run. You came to this website because you want to save your marriage. Remember that. You need to stay focused on your goal, even if it's hard. On rough days, refer to what David, a DB family member, taught us about how he won back his wife. He now lives ecstatically ever after.

Michele-

I decided, early in my separation, that my wife was my best friend&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;.ever. I resolved to NEVER allow the separation to hinder my friendship with her. I acted, from the very beginning, as a friend. I helped her move out by moving all of her stuff downstairs to help her to save money with the moving people. I loaned her money to help her get her new place. More than anything, I stuck by her when her parents were in the hospital (during March, as you remembered) and supported her space, as a single woman (her stupid boyfriend actually got jealous about her spending so much time with her sick parents). I tried very hard to not allow my pain, over her choice to leave me, to be reflected in my face, mannerisms or with respect to how I treated her. I gave her space and respected her choice to enter into a relationship with someone else. I never said anything bad about her boyfriend and was always there when he couldn&#8217;t or wouldn&#8217;t be there. We did have one big argument, but even the bad feelings associated with that argument went away. I attribute this to our friendship. Whenever anyone asks me how to act after they have been left by their partner, I have one answer&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;act like a friend. Perhaps all that will survive is friendship, but by preserving a friendship, you always leave the door open to something more. My wife's boyfriend began getting jealous towards the end of their relationship. He forbid her to see me (which, of course, didn't go over well at all with her). This guy was the one carrying on a romance with my wife, but he was jealous of our friendship. True, unconditional friendship is very powerful. I believe, if more people just concentrated on saving the friendship, in the true manner of a friend (along with making changes in themselves), most would have their lovers back in their arms so soon it would make them dizzy.

I still wonder about this&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;..but I think my wife and I sort of made excuses to see each other under the guise of "family and business" matters. I think my wife really just wanted to have me near her as someone who wouldn&#8217;t pressure her into a "date" or sex or anything of that nature. Just someone to be nice to her, accept her and talk to her with no pressure. The way I figured, is that we had experienced the dating, sex and marriage relationship things. I sort of developed an attitude of "been there, done that". I challenged myself to be her truest and most devoted friend. The more I challenged myself and lived up to the challenge, the more inner power I gained.

Friendship........empathy,being there without criticism, being non-judgmental.....this is unconditional friendship.

Believe me, the decision to be a friend, against all odds, proved to be a major challenge. There were times when I truly thought of giving up, especially when the boyfriend arrived. Usually, I would come to this site and vent and request support and information. Michele, and the "family" here, never let me down.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thanks Cali. I have read Michelle Weiner Davis's books, and found alot of good info in them. Thanks for the reminder. I have also posted on her website a few times, but it hasn't been the support and comfort of this one.

I'm waiting for my H to arrive now as my d's friends are all here. He was supposed to be here half an hour ago.

Well, my H finally arrived and the party was a hit. My D and her friends had a great time. I was just friendly, but not too talkative, and made it through the evening. It was a long time together though and at one point it took all my strength not to ask him to hug me. It was freezing cold here last night and the activity my D chose after dinner was Lazer Quest. We left our coats in the car to make it easier and when we were inside the place waiting for our names to be called I was frozen. I wasn't feel well yesterday and I felt chilled. My H was standing near to me and I just kept thinking about how if he was still with me he would have hugged me to warm me up. I felt so sad about this and honestly, almost asked him to do it.

We had 2 cars and our S was in his car on the way home. When we all got back to the house after dropping off the other kids he came in to say goodnight to the kids and left. I went to bed shortly after as it was after 10:00 and then I broke down. I realized that during the whole night as much as my H was polite and fun (he's very good with kids) he rarely looked at me and then of course the hug thing really got to me..how I just want someone who loves me and will hug me. But..in my bed is better than in front of him.

So..that's it. He'll be here shortly to get the kids for the weekend.

Well..my H came back here tonight with our S to go and watch our D in the Santa Claus parade tonight. She is walking with her karate school. So..we all went down to the main street to watch her and it was awful. It was like standing there 'pretending'. I hated every minute of it. My daughter's group were fairly early on, and I waited a bit longer but after a few more floats I couldn't take it any more. It was like my H and I were 2 statues.. he wouldn't look or talk to me and I couldn't take it. Last year we were there, again watching our d, and we were laughing and joking and enjoying it.

I wanted to touch him and laugh with him and he wouldn't even turn to look at me. I decided the best thing to do was leave as I was getting teary. I told my son (quietly) that I was going to leave as it was just too hard for me. He was fine and hugged me and I said bye to my H and left.

I know from this now that I can't pretend over Christmas. There's no way I can have him here for the kids sake. I have to now think about how I can ensure the kids have a good and normal as possible this first year, but I can't pretend. It's obviously not going to work for me.

I won't see them now as from the parade the kids go back to my H's to stay over and they'll be home late tomorrow night.

bump

Kimmy,
I dont have any sage words involving cheesecake today. I know it is painful but the positive thing is you are defining your boundaries. You need to do what you need to do to remain sane. I think you did a wonderful job at the parade. Also I think it is wise of you to assess what you can take during the holidays. It is very difficult because of your children but believe me martyring yourself for them will do none of you any good. It is hard to find the balance between normalcy and reality when the truth is your husband is not living in reality and he is forcing this pain on all of you. Not that I would suggest your children should be exposed to the level of torture you suffer by dramatic tirades but it would be dishonest and detrimental to them to pretend that this sort of behavior is acceptable. When your husband made these choices he lost the right to the picture postcard Christmas. It is not that you are going to withold anything from him... he has done this to himself, to you and to the children. It is fine for you to let them know that you want happiness for all of you and that you are making every effort to provide that. But you simply cannot support your husbands actions. Whatever changes take place because of his choices are outside of your control. Beyond that for you to remain emotionally and physically available to your children you may have to alter your holiday activities to preserve your wellbeing. Again you are only reacting to his behavior not dishing out punishment. The parade is a perfect example. You made an honest effort and when things just got overwhelming you, without incident, excused yourself...true class Kimmy way to go!!

Hang in there. I have been thinking of you, praying for you and yours and especially for your spouse. Lord knows he needs divine intervention.

continuing prayers

ayslyne

Ayslyne: Thanks for the encouragement. I had a terrible day emotionally yesterday as well. My kids were still with my H, and they spent the afternoon/early evening at my in-laws to celebrate my D's birthday. I asked how it went and it went great, but apparently no one even asked about me.

It really upset me..it's like I no longer exist. Lately I've been feeling like that. My in-laws pretend nothing's going on, my H is treated like normal, they never talk to me about it, and whenever I do talk to them they never mention it. They just want to pretend nothing's happening and then it won't affect their life. They told me to 'move on' 2 months ago and that hurt too. Their son abandoned us..he's got the problem, and they're telling me to 'move on'!!

It makes me feel like I'm being cancelled out of their lives and I haven't done anything!

I got out our Xmas decorations yesterday and it was hard to put out the stuff as of course everything has a memory attached. I'm feeling very down as all I see out there are couples and families shopping and when I get up on the weekends I want that to be us!

I'm asking anyone who reads this to add me to their prayers. It's been over 4 & 1/2 months now and I feel like I just can't get through this right now. As much as he's treated me badly, and shown no interest, I just can't stop thinking about him. I'm trying, honestly, and I'm working on myself...keeping busy, and I just don't seem to get ahead emotionally. I hate him one day and vow I'd never take him back even if he begged me, and then the next day I know I don't want to be without him to share my life.

I know the holidays have alot to do with it, but I just pray for a sign..any sign that maybe he's starting to realize that he would be interested in me..but that sign never comes, and things like the parade make me realize that he's chosen someone else to be close to, and I don't know why. I knocked myself out to be a good, loving wife to him.

Last night I yelled at my son but I was angry at my H and the situation, not him. I apologized and prayed for strength last night. My son was fine, but I felt terrible. I'm so lonely too and that doesn't help. I just want someone to hold me.

Anyway, I'd appreciate prayers. Thanks alot.

Hi Kimmy...i just read your weekend posts, sorry to hear you had such a ****ty weekend. I will keep you in my prayers sweetie. Just hang in there, you are doing good, even though you dont see it. Get yourself on some Zoloft, i felt it was a great help to me. I am still taking it even in recovery. I posted in recovery under someones post called "In recovery, but so confused", if you want to have a peak. I am keeping tabs on you and your postings, even though i am not posting much myself these days. Everyone out there i am so grateful for all the help you have givin me these past 3 months, Lor, Orchid, and so so many others, you know who you are, the greatest, dont know how i would have gotten through everything without your advice...thanks....A/C0810

Hi! Thanks for posting. I've been wondering about you. I will check for your new post. I'm having a much harder time right now than I thought I would, hence asking for people's prayers.

I know once Christmas is over it will HAVE to get better..but we're still talking weeks.

If I don't feel better after then, I will check into that medication. However, I already have sedatives, that I've had from day one, and I've been taking them the last few days to help me get to sleep, and that's been good so I don't lie there thinking.

Our good mutual friend is supposed to be meeting my H for a drink tonight so I'm hoping he doesn't cancel. She's the one who lit into him recently about being so mean to me. The only thing is, she'll call me if they do meet and will tell me what he says and I honestly don't know if I can hear more bad news...ie...he has no interest in reconciling, etc.

Thanks for your comments and prayers. I need them.

Kimmy - I can totally relate - I have been through all of this - and I am just a little ahead of you in the process. I got divorced on 9-18 - though I never wanted it - it was him and I just said ok fine - I cannot change his mind. In the beginning I would spend time with all four of us as a family - when he came to see the kids it was kind of like he was visiting me also - I put a stop to that after awhile because I just could not take it at all.. Now he picks up the kids and takes them somewhere - He was again hanging around the house making himself comfortable - and that went on for awhile even after I asked him not to... but now that is slowly changing.. I used to talk to him on the phone all of the time - he would call to ask me a question or something not even to ask about the kids - but the whole time we are divorced - he is not "in love" with me anymore - and wants a single life and has totally rewritten our past history - to the point I am not even sure he was in the same marriage as me... So now I have him not coming in the house, I am trying not to talk to him if and when he calls for the kids - he is not married to me he does not want me - I cannot pretend and it is only hurting me... About Christmas he wanted to come over in the morning and watch the girls open presents - he was gonna pay me for half of the presents - well now he wants to buy his own - which is fine but you know he hasn't bought any in the 12 years my oldest has been alive - anyways - the other day I changed my mind - I told him - no I did not want him over Christmas Morning - I for once was gonna be selfish - it would kill me to have him come over - then turn around and walk out the door - so I told him he could either have them Christmas Eve or Christmas Afternoon - just let me know??? So I just wanted to tell you sooner or later you will know what you have to do for yourself - this has been going on for me since 10-12-01 and it is a constant struggle - I to go from the I love him and miss him - to I am so angry for what he did - I to feel like I was just wiped out.. But you have to realize that you are worthy to be loved, we did not do this - even if we contributed to the problems in the marriage we did not deserve this.. I know that I love my exhusband and I also in the same breath know that who he is right now I could never take back - The person that I married is not the person who did this to me... So after all of this time I am realizing though that as much as it hurts me not to talk to him - in the long run that is what is going to make me feel better.... Stay Strong....

Hi..thanks for your comments. I will have to definitely be careful about how Xmas morning works. I know my H will want to come over and see the kids open their presents, and I think I'll have to work that out somehow as my kids are young and having a hard time. But, I think what I'll do is make it later in the morning, after breakfast (which he always cooked Xmas morning) and maybe after we're all dressed so it's not right in the 'prime' time of the morning. I have to be fair to my kids but also to myself I know.

My H always loved Halloween, and it was HUGE at our house. He would dress up, create a graveyard in our front yard, etc. Anyway, this year he asked if he could do it as usual for our kids. I said I would love to have him do Halloween, but not under these circumstances. Anyway, the kids were fine with it, and he took them trick or treating and they had a great time. But..I found out last week he told a good friend of ours that 'Kim ruined Halloween for our kids' because I wouldn't let him do it at our house, and he had to drive ALL the way from his place and back. Well...excuse me, but HE left, so HE ruined it. And, I didn't tell him to move 25 minutes away. So, I've realized whatever happens he'll not accept responsibility anyway, so I need to figure out Xmas for my own sanity somehow.

Thanks again for posting.. responses help me through the day.

Kimmy - OK that statement about how you ruined Halloween I can totally relate - These men have this twisted sense of " they may have ruined the family" but we are the ones not letting the children be happy by being selfish - which is a total bunch of crap... That is why like 95% of the time I am thinking I am crazy and by not letting him do things that he used to do I feel bad - But the simple fact that I keep trying to tell myself - is I didn't do this - he did this and he has to learn to live with the consequences - I am to nice when it comes to him - But you know when I read your response before I noticed that you weren't taking any medications - I didn't take any for like 7 or 8 months but I have got to tell you - they have been a life saver - it kind of stops the crying 24 hours a day.. I mean I still know that my life is a mess.. But they somehow make it easier to deal with - I am on this website all of the time - I have some great email buddies that I have met through here that help daily throughout the day, I have a therapist and I go to a womans group.. It is still hard though dealing with the constant daily struggle with " I was dumped after 19yrs. for know reason" - it hurts more than anything in the world - but I am going to be happy someday.. If you would like you can email during the day or night @ mimiw64@yahoo.com - I am always checking it...

Thanks again for your comments.
I know the feeling...I feel like I'm like some girlfriend that just got dumped..except after 14 years of marriage, so I can relate.

I do have sedatives, but not anti-depressants. When my H left I went to my doctors but because I had to first off find a fulltime job, we decided that we wouldn't do the anti-depressant route right away. She did give me the sedatives though which I mainly need to sleep. She did say also that she wanted me to 'feel' the emotions so that I could go through the process, and because I am a strong personality she was confident I could do it. It has been rough, but so far the sedatives have been enough. I went and got a refill last week in anticipation of the holidays, but like I said, if I'm no more optimistic after the holidays I will go get anti-depressants.

I know I deserve someone to love me, I know I have alot to share. I know in time that will happen, whether it's my H or not, but as we all know in this site..it's the day to day journey 'getting there' that's so hard.

Take care.

Well..just home from work. When my H was here early morning to be with the kids before school, he moved out quite a bit of his musical stuff. So..guess he's not coming back any time soon as all this stuff (guitar stuff..amps, keyboard,etc) have been here all these months. Guess it's a sign <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

^^bump^^

Well..the update from my friend meeting with my H last night is this: He 'knows' I don't want this separation, but he's glad we're being civil to each other now. He's concerned that we'll both get what we want out of the agreement and he will be coming to me with it shortly.

Bottom line..that's it. He's done. No interest, no nothing. Didn't say there was anyone involved. Just that he's sorry..he doesn't want our marriage anymore.

I really don't get it. How can someone say/think they don't want the M anymore? What are we? some piece of discarded material to be thrown away when they deem us useless? I am upset, Kimmy, upset at your H, at my W and every one of those who are so intent on breaking up a M just because "they don't want to work on it."

You are in for the long haul, Kimmy, be strong. This is definitely not for the faint of heart and you have shown you are a strong woman. I know this doesn't help you because your H either doesn't see it or refuses to see it. His loss. Maybe going through this exercise shows them, but more importantly us, how strong we are, how much we love, the sacrifices we are willing to pay.

Remember that no suffering is in vain. Pray, pray, pray, I can't say it enough. It has been my lifeline; w/o it I would be in total shambles right now. And then, there are the children. They give you a lot more strength than you think. Is there a way to redirect the love you feel for your H to them? In other words, when you feel frustrated that you cannot act on your love for your H, do additional things for your children. Or maybe for a friend in need or a relative. Don't let all the love you have, which you can't express, dry up. Use it, redirect it to somebody else (and I'm not saying romantically by any means).

Be well. I hope things get better for you.