I dont think I want anymore children. This is very hard for me because I have lost all sense of what my future will hold. I used to be working to pay off bills to stay home and have more children. I love being a mother and have a wonderful daughter. She is my salvation, my joy. However, I find myself withdrawing from everything. My sister had her first daughter last week. She is wonderful and we are all overjoyed. I thought maybe this birth would rekindle some of the joy I once had at the prospect of increasing my family. It didnt. It only brought back terrible memories...how estranged my husband and I were when our daughter was born. How everything just went down hill in so many ways. I have no joyful memories concerning my husband and the birth of our daughter. Now the birth itself was fantastic and the joy my daughter brings me is untainted...but he and I...it just wasnt there. I never want to do that again.

I just feel so numb now. I try to live each day one moment at a time. But it is hard to have no vision for the future. I know so many people want their WS to see the light and come back like my husband has done. But understand that I have gone through years of infidelity, years of plan A...plan B. And in the end he is changed but I am hollow. He complains now that I dont love him like I used to. And he is right. I dont. I cannot sacrafice myself again. I am so frustrated with my apathy towards him. I try everyday to be loving to him. To the outside world we are the comeback story of their dreams but personally I am just going through the motions. He is a wonderful father, and he is now good to me. We are kind to each other and we do spend time together. But I dont miss him like I used to. I dont worry about him like I used to. I just cant allow myself to risk the pain.

This may seem absurd to the many people who work so hard to rebuild their marriages. He is everything he should have been. But what he was before destroyed me. It is not that I dont want to be married, or even married to him. I dont think I would be different with someone else. I feel scarred. I dont put too much of myself out to anyone anymore. I dont even feel a strong bond with my new niece, although I love her I know I am different in how I relate.

I guess my question is, when all your prayers are answered, when the fog lifts, when they finally get it how do I reconnect with the trusting loving girl I once was. A person that I look back on and hate for all her pathetic, wide eyed blind trust that got her nothing but heart-ache?

Thank you in advance for your thoughts.

ayslyne

Ays ~

Totally understandable that you have a major block against making yourself vulnerable to devastation again. I'm in recovery too - I don't think you are absurd at all.

Shortly after I started recovery, I watched an Oprah episode on infidelity with Dr. Phil. I will never forget his answer to "HOW does one go onto to regain trust and intimacy with someone who has betrayed you?"

He simply said that you don't have to learn how to trust your spouse. You have to learn to trust yourself - to trust that your own instincts and decision making process.

I thought that he was exactly dead on. I've had to come to trust my own judgement - that I'd see and know if something was amiss...and that I'd know what to do if happened.

So now, my husband does the necessary trust building actions so that I can feel reasonably safe - but that last connection between his actions and my security is trust in myself.

After learning Marriage Builders, no BS ever has to be without a plan or guidance again.

At this point in your life you are seriously wounded. When a person holds on to something for a long time there is a reason. It appears that you are holding on to the pain as it is a shield. It keeps anyone from getting close enough to hurt you.

I understand how you feel. My ex-h cheated on more for the entire 20 years we were together. My new husband cheated from day one of our engagement. I discovered his affairs with 10 women he met on the Internet during the 9th month of our marriage. We are recovered and doing pretty well. But I still have some of the feelings you do. I don’t let many people close to me anymore. I’ve lost contact with many people… I just do not trust people any more. It’s yet another stage of recovery I suppose.

One of these days I hope to wake up and realize that I’m beyond this phase.

Sometimes I think that people work too hard at saving their marriages at any cost. That is not worth it. There is a time to let go. A time when the damage is greater than any potential gain. Have you crossed that threshold? I don’t know.

What I’d suggest is that you go into counseling for yourself. At this point your marriage is secondary. Have you discussed this with your husband? Have you seen a doctor about depression? You may be in the middle of a very long-term depression. These are all things to consider. Heal yourself, do what you need to do for you.

You will never find the wide-eyed innocent you once were. She is gone forever. But maybe you will find that you can grow into a self assured woman who can live a happy, full life no matter what is thrown at her. Maybe you will find a new you. Take care of you and ask your H’s help in doing that.

Yes, counceling for you would be a great idea. The feelings you are having are pretty normal for a woman your age...past marital history aside. I got a lot of wonderful things out of counceling and found a new sense of peace...I think you can too!

Ayslyne: I agree..you should go to therapy to help yourself be the whole person you want to be.

But, I don't think there's anything wrong with saying you don't want any more children. I don't know how old you are, but maybe you'll change your mind on that in the future. If not, one loved child is better than two unloved children. Just enjoy the child you have.

It's funny how the thing we want most is our H's to come out of the fog and rekindle our marriage, and then when it happens..we can't ever totally enjoy it. You must enjoy it, Ayslyne..you deserve to. The work and pain you went through can't be for nothing. Allow yourself to enjoy the fruits of your labour. I know it's easy for me to say, as I'm not in your position, and in my wildest dreams if my H did come back I'd probably be the same as you, but I can only hope that it can be worked through.

I don't think that past loving girl was pathetic, and should be hated. I think those of us here on this board are the opposite. We are NOT the pathetic ones. We are the blessed, sensitive ones who truly love and care for people. If we didn't, we wouldn't be here. We'd be those people who just move on, be vindictive and don't care. Easier for them to cope with these emotions we feel, but I truly feel we are the lucky ones - to have been given feelings and depth, even though we are the ones who end up hurting the most.

I believe that no, you will never be the same, but don't waste what you've been given back. Try, Asylyne, for all of us here who want our spouses back. Try, Asylne, for yourself and your future.

I have a neighbour who is in her 60's. Her husband cheated on her 30 years ago. He came back after living with the OW for 6 months. My friend was devastated. Even today, she holds back because of what happened. He has never strayed again, and she even says that he treats her so well now to try and make up and she just can't get over it. I sympathize with her but I also feel for her H. He has tried and tried and still 30 years later she isn't allowing herself to enjoy her life with her husband. Please try.. Go to counselling.

What happened to that person who said she could find the silver lining in everything?

You deserve to enjoy this. What's the alternative? To end your marriage? To live in your marriage unhappily? Neither of those sound very appealing.

Thank you all for your responses. To respond a bit, I have been in and out of counseling (IC & MC) for years. I know that I should start again since it was never about me then really it was always about our marriage or dealing with destruction he was causing. I know I have tons of issues. As for depression I know that I am seriously depressed...I battle it everyday, if I didnt have my daughter I probably would be dead or wandering around the streets. Who knows. I am great at playing the role of great mother, sister, daughter, friend, employee, spouse. My life is full of activity and no one would guess my internal reality. I can honestly say my daughter hasnt a clue of my pain. I guess that is because I compartmentalize and dont let out any of the problems in daily life.

I know I have tons of issues that go beyond my marriage. I am sure I shield myself from pain.

I agree that I have to trust myself. That is something that I have not done. I dont know why I always trusted him. I hate myself for believing everything he said. I hate myself for comforting him when he told me the last girl was lying, fixated on him and because she knew about his past antics she was telling tales because she didnt like being rejected. That she was doing this to break us up. Even when he left saying he needed time because the stress of what OW#3 was doing was too much I believed him. Ofcourse all lies.

I know I need to heal myself, trust myself. I am going to look into couseling...for me about me. I do need strength. I have had strength for everyone else. I know I need some for myself. I am just at a loss of how to get there.

And I know the innocent me is not coming back but she is not gone either...she tortures me with her stupidity, her misguided devotion, and her cowardice. I know I can't restore her...the question is can I ever excercise her?

thanks for the support

ayslyne

<small>[ November 17, 2002, 07:22 PM: Message edited by: ayslyne ]</small>

Thanks Kimmy
I can find a silver lining in everything...about everyone else. About myself I can make up a great rebuttle but I just dont buy my own lines anymore.

Thanks though for saying that about being lucky to have those sorts of emotions. It makes me feel gifted in a way I never considered.

I am working on it. I do try to enjoy it. I dont sit and mope. And I go through all the motions...sometimes I dont think he can even tell that I am not really there...that it is just an act. I know I have to get help for me. I am going to. I guess I just needed to think it through. That is why I like it here. I can be honest and open about how I feel even if I know logically the right thing to do. Sometimes I just need that little extra boost all you great people give me.

thanks again

ayslyne

Oh. One more thing. About having more children. That is a major change for me. The idea of why we were together, what we wanted for a future centered around us having more children. It was part of how I defined myself. When I look towards the future I envision all that my daughter will do. But when I look at my own future I see nothing. I feel like I want to shed the old me somehow. See some sort of future. Just refocusing on a future that is not centered around the goal of more children is a major step for me...even to admit that I have changed so much...that I have been hurt so badly that I would not want to attempt to connect with anyone like that again.

Just wanted to comment on that.

thanks