I'm not sure I'm at the right topic but I don't see anything else on this and really needed to vent. Late last night I walked in on my husband looking at porn on the internet and masturbating. I've been in a state of shock all day since I didn't have a clue he was doing this. He has been very nonchalant about it, says it's his way of relieving tension when he doesnt't have the energy to make love, and that lots of men do it. It wasn't the masturbation that got to me - it was the porn images. I get that some men are very visual when it comes to arousal, but he is a grown man with children. I'd probably consider it somewhat "normal" if he were 14 years old. The images were more "Hustler" than "Playboy", and I feel like I suddenly don't know this man. I'm completely out of my range on this one, but I'm guessing one of us should get some counseling. Anyone else have to deal with this?

I am dealing with a sex addict too. And although I was trying to repair our M with him, he cannot get past his 'addiction'. In fact, he too thinks his actions are completely and totally normal, and that "all guys do it" (which by the way, is pure b.s.).

To find out more information, your best bet is to go to www.yahoo.com (or any other search engine) and do a search on "sexual addiction". You will get loads of links with all sorts of information to read through.

One site that I found particularly helpful is: www.understandingaddiction.org They have a great message board that will help you just to read on it. I don't beleive it's as frequented nearly as much as here.... but you could still post there if you want specific help. They also offer FREE online counselling for the SA (sex addict), and the spouse can join in too after the first month is up.

I hope some of this helps you. Please understand that there is NOTHING that you say or do to your H that will make him "get it" and see what destruction he is causing his family by viewing porn.

Please feel free to continue posting here. I will look out for you on here, as someone who has definitely been there, and IS there to be truthful.

Take care, and feel free to email me at topie25@hotmail.com if you want to.

Karen

bix...
I can give you a man's perspective on this one. I am not making any excuses for a sexual addiction. How is your sex life with your husband? The reason I ask is whenever I wanted to make love or have sex with my wife(WS) if she didn't feel like it I had to beg and plead. This happened almost all the time. After so many times of begging and pleading and then she really not being into it and sort of being like just get it over. Well it made the physical part between us not so fun. After a while I got to the point where I was like it is easier to do it myself then to ask for it. Keep in mind my wife didn't have a high sex drive. She could go without it for a long time. Maybe you need to meet your husband half way on this one so he doesn't have to go the net. With guys as they get older sometimes you need more stimulation to get aroused and that maybe why your husband is looking at the net. Where you might see this as a threat that he wants to go off and merry one of these ladies he is using it just to get off. I am not saying this if you fault but I am asking you to think about do you provide sex for your husband because that may be a very high EN on his behalf. Also for someone to think they stop masturbating after youth is wrong. People do this their entire life. I would talk to your husband and before you do so you need to think if you are providing what your husband is needing in that category. Good luck...

I agree, you need to get more information about your H. I don't think you can classify him as a sex addict quite yet.

Questions-
Do you have a fulfilling sex life with H? Or does he prefer to masturbate to porn, and is doing it so much that he is neglecting a normal sex life with you?

Does H have a higher sex drive than you? Is he turning to porn so as not to "bother" you or out of fear of rejection?

Does H feel that if he makes love he must satisfy you too? Perhaps he just wants a quick release, without the complication of thinking of his partner's needs? If this is the case, would you prefer to give him "a quickie" or a fast "hand job" to him doing it himself. Would he feel that he is selfish or demeaning you if you did that for him?

How often is this occurring? Once in a while, once a month, once a week, every day?

Does your H limit himself to viewing these images? Does he download images? Does he spend family money on porn? Does he go to chat rooms or have any porn related contact, cybersex?

Is it just for a change of pace or an easy substitute for you or is there something specific in the porn that turns him on? Power, control, humiliation of women etc.

Can you conceive of arriving at a joint solution regarding his use of porn?