I stopped over at the house today to talk with my W. I wrote her a short letter about my concerns that she might be suffering from depression. Basically it said that whatever is making her so unhappy and without any hope of being happy in the future, whether it's depression or something else, I encourage her to talk to someone about it, her doctor or a therapist. If nothing else, I suggested she at least look up some info on the internet or at the library as it may be insightful. I told her I want her to be happy for her sake and our daughter's, and that I'm here for her if she wants to talk about any of it. I also told her how helpful therapy has been for me.

Her response was that if she feels she needs to talk to someone, she will and that she appreciates my concern. She was tearing up a little. When I asked why, she said because she never thought her life would turn out this way. I asked her to talk to me about it, but she said she was fine. I didn't want to press the issue, but I felt so bad for her. I just wanted to hold her and tell her it didn't have to be this way and we CAN be happy together, but I just couldn't.

We also talked about the sale of the house. I told her I've done what she's asked me to and made the repairs that needed to be done. I told her if she wants me to handle the sale of the house myself, I will. I'll get the signs, place the ad, handle the phone calls and appointments. She said she would help. I said all I ask is for her to clean the house and let me know when it's ready. A couple of funny things though. I told her one of the repairs she asked me to do (fixing a sticky garage door) I wasn't able to fix and told her I'd call a serviceman. She said don't worry about it, the buyers can have it fixed. Huh? Then why ask me to fix it in the first place. She also asked if I wanted to wait until after the holidays to put it on the market. I told her no, interest rates are favorable now, who know's what they'll be in January and it won't hurt to have the house on the market sooner than later. Was she just trying to stall? Who knows. For now, I'll see how quickly she gets the house cleaned up. I'll have my daughter next weekend, so that gives her time to get started.

We also talked about the custody agreement and some snags in it. Minor details regarding the holiday shedule that we were able to work out much better than our lawyers were. I told her that one thing my lawyer warned me about regarding holiday shedules is that what works now may not work in the future should one of us remarry. My W said that won't be a problem since she's never going to remarry.

She asked if I wanted to come over on Christmas morning so our daughter could open her presents from Santa with both of us. I said I would. Maybe not the best idea, but I'd hate to miss out on that, even though we'll both have to get used to that.

All in all, it was a good talk. We made some progress, although not in the direction I had hoped. I wish she had been more receptive about talking to a therapist or talking to me about how she's feeling, but at least she didn't close the door on it. Maybe the reality of selling the house will shake some things up, but if not it something we have to do anyway.

Just thought I'd keep you all updated. Any opinions are appreciated.

sad dad

<small>[ November 17, 2002, 11:10 PM: Message edited by: sad dad ]</small>

Sounds like it was a good talk!!! Christmas was so hard last year and know that we didn't do a good job. Allowed him to be with my family Christmas eve, it looked to normal but was so very far from normal!!!

People that are ill don't want to admit they are ill, you were right in not pushing the subject!!! However you may have given her the info that will push herself into doing more, that is what you can pray for!!!

I am sure that selling thehouse will be very emotional for you both, specially if it was your first house or your dream house!!!! That is probably why she has put it off for so long!!! Or things are more final to her if the house is sold, that that takes away any chance she feels that you might have. My thoughts were different when I bought my house, it was the first house and my thought had been will STBXH think that it is over now for sure as she wont leave the house to be with me and my career!!! We never made it to him asking me to move with him, my divorce will be final this week!!!

Again my 2 cents worth tonight, I've been sharing them alot tonight!!! I think I am up to a dime!!!!

Take care!!!

DAwn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hmmmm....you got me thinking. I still think she's depressed and it sounds like she's really having a pity party for herself. She's NEVER going to remarry? Oky doky. You've done what you can...now it's time to give her the space to see what reality holds for her.

It really sounds like she's having a problem with the selling of the house. Sure she wants to stay in it over the holidays...that's a VERY emotional time and she wants to keep hold of what little comfort she has left. The quicker you can get it sold...the more uncomfortable the holidays will be...and maybe the more she'll start to realize what she HAD!

I don't know...I don't think it's over yet.

I don't know if this is anything you want to do .... but ....

You could PAY a housecleaning service to HELP your wife clean up the place. Depression sorta takes the steam outta one's energy level .... and she probably cannot fathom conjuring up the energy to clean the house alone.

OR ... she could be stalling because she is ambivalent about this whole decision.

Pepper

daybreak,

Thanks for your input. I'm sorry this will be a rough week for you. My thoughts are with you.

h4f,

"I don't know...I don't think it's over yet."

I hope you're right. All I can do is take care of what I need to. Selling the house during the holidays will be hard, but putting it on the market doesn't mean it's going to sell any time soon.

Pepper,

I'd be more than happy to pay a service to come in and give it a thorough cleaning, but before we can do that she has to begin to get it in order.
There are papers, bills, videos, toys, shoes, etc. all over the place. She needs to take care of that stuff first, then a cleaning service can do the really hard part.

sad dad

bump

How about for Xmas giving your W a self-help book for depression? I'd like to recommend..."Feeling Good...The New Mood Therapy" by David D. Burns, MD. This is NOT a book about betrayals, but it is a wonder for helping you realize what you do to make yourself more depressed. It helped me a lot, was recommended by my counselor. It costs between $18-20 in paperback. And worth every penny.

As for Xmas with the kids...do go. Yes, it will feel strange, but this is still a transitory period for your children and anything you can do to help make their holidays happier...try to do.

As for the house. From what you've posted, I don't think she's capable of making a true effort to get the house ready. I've got no idea how you're going to handle this one as long as she is living there.

Hi SD- I think she IS trying to stall selling the house as long as possible. Whatever her reasons I think you need to set a timetable and then initiate every step along the way to get it cleaned and start showing it since she isn't helping. Are you still definitely against using a realtor? I wonder if she will secretly cancel or sabotage any showings that are scheduled for it to drag out the process as long as possible.What does your attorney say about this process taking so long? I do think your W is in a deep depression and feeling hopeless but stalling the D process isn't going to help her in the long run. Take care- lifeismessy

I wonder what would happen if you get in there and just do all the cleaning necessary? I know you don't wanna, it's allowing her the "easy way out", and you have plenty of other things on your plate, but I think it's in your best interest to get things moving on the sale. Just think of her as mentally incapable of getting it done.

I'm not trying to sound cold or harsh, nor am I suggesting you be either. Just getting in there and getting it all done yourself.

What do you think?

<small>[ November 19, 2002, 10:31 AM: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</small>

I tried to get my H to think about perhaps he was depressed, and that's why he's going through this. He of course refused to even consider it, despite the fact that mental illness is in his family. His brother and grandfather both suffer from mental illness.

Our concern falls on deaf ears, as does all our other kind advice that we try to give them, basically because we care about them.

So..if you've tried discussing it, that's all you can do. Leave it be.

Xmas is going to be horrible for most of us on this site. I know I don't know what to do as my D (9) has already announced to me that if it isn't celebrated like 'normal'...she's not celebrating it! It's hard for me to hear this as of course I can't fix this for her and she doesn't want to think about Daddy not being there. We all need whatever inner strength we have to get us through this time.

Take care..keep posting.

lim & faith,

You are both right, I'm going to have to take the iniative on selling the house which is exactly what I intend to do if I see no progress on her part over the weekend. If I have to, I'll clean it, have the carpets cleaned and take care of everything else.

I definately won't use a realtor. I't really not necessary in our area and I don't want to give up $20k in commisions. I'm not concerned wwith how long it take sto sell, I just want it on the market. I doubt she'll do anything to sabotage our chances of selling it, but if necessary I'll consult my lawyer or if worse comes to worse, move back in.

wifey & kimmy,

I'm not going to press the depression issue. I expressed my concerns, told her where she can look for info on it and encouraged her to talk to a therapist. It's up to her at this point. If she won't help herself, then she's right, she probably won't be happy. All I can do is offer my support if she needs it.

Thanks,
sad dad

<small>[ November 19, 2002, 04:23 PM: Message edited by: sad dad ]</small>