We are trying to keep our problems "secret" for now. I'm sure our kids don't know and neither do our friends. Of course, this means trying to work things out in private when we are alone which is HARD TO FIND THE TIME! Trying to keep a "happy face" is hard. I also feel that if I am "happy" he will think I really am! I must not be that good at it however, because we were at a party this weekend and my two best friends were talking to each other about me! They both noticed I was "grumpy", which I am usually NEVER that way.
No real questions, here, just venting.
I love this website and you all are starting to feel like friends. This is soooo scary!
Thanks.

Dazed,
I can understand why you want to keep this private, but if you don't have anyone to talk to, that's very tough on you.

I'd really recommend weekly counseling, it's private, yet with someone there to mediate, moderate, guide, & re-direct. Go by yourself if your H won't go with you, you have enough issues to take up some sessions alone.

I don't think you have to put on a happy face, being positive & proactive with no lovebusters is good, but happy? Maybe you could settle for polite & cordial?

And do come here for support.

Dazedblonde: MAKE time to work out your problems. As I advise anyone new here who's H is still at home...Plan A your butt off if you want your marriage to work!

My H left in July, and I would have given anything for the opportunity to work on our M with him at home. Hard to do even Plan A when a spouse has gone.

I don't think there's anything wrong with keeping it secret at this point. It's very new and why involve other people when it could potentially be worked out.

Definitely read info here..and post often. We're all here for support and advice. Take care!

Thank you Lor and Kimmy1. Thanks to anyone who has given me or anyone else on here advice. I've read others' advice and have tried to listen and apply it to my situation. I told him we couldn't move forward until he told OW it was over and they couldn't be "friends" anymore. I got that advice from here. Thanks. He did it but I asked him if it was hard and he said "yes and no". I have asked him about MC and he said he wanted to "wait". I think I am going to muster up courage to go. This will be hard. I looked it up on our (his) insurance and I think it's covered but need to call them to be sure. That is next step that I plan to take today. Thanks to all for encouragement you guys are WONDERFUL!!!

I have struggled with this too! H had 3rd A in 20 years and I have no one except a counselor to talk to (every 2 weeks as I have to drive 100 miles to get there). It is not something my H wants to discuss or be reminded of and I can't tell anyone else because only 4 other people know of the A...kids don't even know the real reason we separated for 2 weeks. Sometimes I wanted to jump on the roof and tell everyone I was crying because ... and tell everyone of the affair and how bad I was hurt and betrayed etc....to say I was depressed was an understatement! The counseling has been great but I am realizing I need someone on a daily basis to just be able to talk to so I don't LB at my H. I am doing much better and smiling and love being around people again...even like myself most of the time!

My situation is and has been very similar to yours. My H had a EA with a co-worker and still works with her. No one was told what was going on including our 3 teenage children. Continue plan A. Work on making you the best you can be. This was the best thing I could have done. He began to see the changes in me and I became much more confident. He finally decided that he needed to work on himself and his self respect. Chose to go to IC and take anti-depressants which it has been determined that he should take on a continous basis. He is coming along as am I. It is a long road but worth it in the long run. Work on you for you. The rest will hopefully work out as well.

almost 20 years...
I am going to continue making me better! I am on meds for depression and counseling...I'm gonna be O.K. Something I have wondered a lot about is something you mentioned...H's depression and treatment. He doesn't seem interested in acknowledging (sp?) depression or bi-polar as a possibility for himself but is o.k. with me taking meds because I am happier and meeting his needs better. I get frustrated that he isn't doing anything besides letting me work on the M and reaping the benefits of my recovery. I don't see much anywhere I look about WS and mental illness issues. Makes me feel like I'm in limbo until I know if he will really do something about it...the reason I question this is that this A was the THIRD! And he says it goes against his morals bla bla bla so I am left with this-if it goes against what you know is right and wrong but you do it anyway what hope is there that anything will change? Also, could it be depression/bi-polar and this (the A) is a symptom? If so, what hope is there if no treatment is wanted by H? Still a lot to think about. I know I just have to keep working on me but these questions keep coming to mind. Thanks for listening!

My WH is also very depressed. I think that that is why he doesn't want to talk about details and stuff because it will make him more depressed. I know that if I bring up anitdepressants he will balk becuase we have had so much medical bills lately and he will say he isn't paying $50 to get meds. He doesn't need them. Can counselors prescribe or not? Would like to know. I have the phone number with me but now I just have to make the call...... good luck to everyone.

I went through the same thing. I got on meds and he said that he did not need them. Eventually, last year he finally went to the Dr. on his own and got on them. He took them for about 3 months in which I saw a tremendous difference in how he reacted to things. He then decided that he didn't like taking them. He stopped. Things went right back to the way they were. I brought this up several time but he refused to go back on them. I think he finally hit rock bottom when I told him he should go to her or be with me but I would not live this way anymore unless he was doing his part. He broke down and chose to get back on meds and go to IC on his own. He has to decide. IC told him that the A was in some ways like an alcohol addiction, which runs in his family. She said that the A is like the thing that makes him feel better because he gets an immediate high but he still loves me and his family. He has a tendency to shut the people out that he loves in order not to hurt them. Or at least that is what he thinks. He sometimes believes that he is not worth loving.
I also got frustrated because I felt I was doing all the work. And I still do sometimes. My suggestion is to continue to love him if that is how you feel. My H has come around alot due to the fact that I told him that I will be there for him as he works through his issues. We have learned to discuss things much more in depth.

dazedblonde..
some counselers can presribe-depends on credentials (psychiatrists can but my counselor can't), you would have to ask. I had to see a doctor to get the meds. I know money can hinder this as I have no insurance so I pay the counselor out of my pocket and the doctor too. She knows I have no insurance and has given me samples so I don't have to buy meds. Maybe you could go that way...samples i mean. Counseling is the hardest decision I have ever made! I made the call finally and got the answering machine! I hung up. Made another call and hung up. Finally left a message as I really felt I needed to see this particular counselor (the only Christian counslor I could find) and she called me back the next day and got it all rolling. It has helped me tremendously! Make the call and get the ball rolling! What have you got to lose??
Good luck!

My H counselor called my H medical Dr. to make sure that it is listed in his charts that he should take meds possibly forever. This helped him to believe that he truly needed them. The medical Dr. telling him was not enough he needed IC to tell him too.

almost20years
my H is also a recovering alcoholic (13 1/2 years sober) so this is also an issue...first 2 A's were while he was drinking so figured he had dealt with cause of A's by getting sober so the third A was all the more devastating after thinking it would never happen again. It was obviously never dealt with the first 2 times. That's what leaves me wondering if he doesn't acknowledge the cause of the problem (like maybe it is something in him that needs to be changed instead of believing it was me not meeting his needs)how can I hope for a better marriage in the long run? I know he is happier now because I am meeting his most important needs willingly but....need some sign from him that he is in it for the long haul too. Whew...feels good to just get that off my chest. Counselor doesn't let me go there...just makes me work on me, me, me.

I agree with you that it is something HE has to change. You have to let go that you can make him change. You can only work on you. My H has always dealt with self acceptance. Appears to be very strong to other people but he is so hard on himself. Doesn't believe in himself. The OW made him feel good about himself. Made him think that he was a good person. I had not been doing that. I felt that I should be getting more from him so I wasn't going to give what I wasn't getting. I read a book called "I don't want to talk about it" by Terrance Real. It is about male depression. It helped me to better understand what he was going through. Depression is different for a man than a woman. Get this book and read it. It taught me that I couldn't fix him but I could better understand him and know how to react to him.

In the mean time I continued to work on me. I think I am such a better person. I know that if something happens and this does not work out I will be fine. But I will also know that I did everything I could including supporting him with his mental health.

I am guilty of the same thing...I quit giving because I wasn't getting anything! It of course led to disaster. I go to the couselor tomorrow..time for more growth! I end up learning about something else I need to work on. Not sure what it is this time but I want to quit going so often...I am sort of upset with the counselor right now...she won't let me talk about the A and how it affects my daily life but she will throw out there that if I don't be happy and bubbly H will go to OW (even though A ended when I discovered it in Sept 01 and H has had NC since then and wants none). I don't like being threatened by the counselor that if I don't do it right someone else will! That's why I am so frustrated about H doing his part. I don't like feeling like I am being blamed.

I wouldn't like that either. Have you tried to take a real hard look at yourself and determine what you would like to change. Not necessarily to make H happy but to make you happy. I found that the most positive things that I worked on for me also helped him to see that I was a strong person. That I didn't just want him so the someone else couldn't have him. That I was becoming a better person for me so that we could be happy together.

Do you and your H communicate well now or do you hold everything in trying to deal with it yourself. Communication is very helpful. Are you doing Joint Counseling or IC.

I have to leave but will be back later to read your response.

Stay Strong

We communicate about life...kids, business, cars...but not too good at talking about the deep stuff with each other yet. He gets real down in the dumps when I talk about A and it's effects on me so I can't go there with him, can't go there with counselor so who the heck do I tell? I tell GOD a lot but I also need a human to talk to. H won't go to counselor, I'm going for me. I want to say that H read a few chapters of HNHN and is understanding of the concept of needs and has become a much nicer person since A. He has been more helpful and understanding and I can definitely see the potential here...just get a little worried about him not picking up his responsibility as to why the A REALLY happened. Gods timing. I was finally able to tell H last week about my concerns about him pursuing the real reasons of A and he didn't say he would or wouldn't try...just said he didn't know what "it" is that causes this behavior. Just wanted you to know that there are some positive signs!
Talk to you later!

That sounds good. At least he is responding in a positive manner. He probably really doesn't know why he had the A's. I am so glad that you are working figure out what you want. I had the same issues of having a great relationship as long as it was about the kids or anything that did not get too personal. Is he still in contact with the OW. I don't remember if you said. As you probably know she is a probably only a symptom of the real problem. Something in him is not allowing him to open up to you. Has he told you what it is about her that makes him drawn to her? I don't know if your whole story is out there somewhere where I could read it but if so let me know. Obviously, I don't have the answers but I will certainly be here when and if you need support. I think you are doing the right things but it take a long time to truly feel like progress is being made. I will be here to listen if you just need to talk.

Stay strong you are doing a great job.

Thanks for your encouragement! I feel like I am gonna make it! I am happier than I have ever been and love it. I was able to help a friend getting ready for her wedding (#2) last week and today she sends me a huge arrangement of flowers! I feel loved and appreciated! Anyway, H is not in contact with OW and has not been since it was all discovered 2 days before my 20th anniv. last year in Sept. I have not written my whole story...only posted today and it is all in this thread. How do I get back to you when I come on the board another time? ( I am new to this and still learning my way around) Will you keep checking this thread or how does it work?

I will keep checking here for you. I am pretty new myself. I have been a member for a while but havn't posted but once. Your situation just struck me. Seems that our situation is very similar. So I posted. I would like to continue communicating and maybe we can help each other get through this with support.

I am glad that you had a good day. Flowers always help. I agree with you in that I feel better than I have ever felt but support always makes it better. Stay strong.

My e-mail is crs2drs@aol.com if you would like to e-mail.

Thanks, I will keep in touch. The kids are due home in a few minutes so I'll go for now. I really appreciate your support and it feels good to know someone really understands what it feels like...day after day to live with the effect of an affair. I had to learn to breathe again and not having anyone to talk to face to face was bad. I wish I had come here in the early days! Anyway, it all happens in Gods timing and now I'm here. Thanks again. Talk again soon.