I'm not sure what my mother's motive is. My father cheated on her repeatedly and she took him back each time. I reminded her of this but she gives many excuses. They divorced after he left HER . I think because he discovered that she was unfaithful to him. My WS knows about her probable unfaithfulness with her present husband who was married at that time and particularly resents her pointing her finger at him.

Have you confronted her about her cheating with a married man? Have you told her that how horrible that is? Do you refuse to have anything to do with her so-called husband? Did you go to her wedding and pretend not to know what was going on?

Even though it is wrong, I can sort of understand how someone could have a revenge affair, but I will never understand how someone who has been betrayed can possibly go after a married man - the cruelty and heartlessness that that requires is beyond all comprehension, but it happens all too frequently.

Nellie:
It was only gossip that they had an affair. It was never confessed to me by mother. I suspected them. They always said they were friends and had offices in the same building.

I don't like him though. I seldom visit their home except on holidays and we live in the same city.

Because of my childhood experiences with my father, I had always told my H that was the worst thing he could do to me. Of course, that didn't stop him.

<small>[ February 11, 2003, 10:36 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

The worst part is amount of dishonesty I see from WW. She is completely turned around.

She lied to me saying she was working, when she was out dancing.

She had a second phone, so she wasn't answering her famiy cell phone -- so I felt she was blowing me off -- which upset me to no end.

She was sharing her EN's with BF, and coming home with no concerns -- leading me to believe things were peaceful.

She already had one foot out the door.

She was seen several times getting chummy with the new BF before she left.

She doesn't seem to know that BF is setting her up to be used.

She set up the secret email account forgetting that it forwarded the mail to her home account.

She was keeping the affair from me so I "wouldn't be hurt more."

She cries foul about her privacy being violated, when she was using me to pay off debt and build equity -- probably to keep as a safety net in case this new romance fizzled out.

I really DO FEEL like Hosea. I pray she is convicted by the Holy Spirit...

Please focus your prayers on her, so she gets right with God. Her actions indicate that is completely lost. I can't help but feel partially responsible -- and I owe it to God to stick with it -- to give her every opportunity to be saved.

Please help her, Lord.

I told the ILs about the A and so far I think it was a very good decision (it's only been about 2 weeks, though).

After I confronted my H and he admitted it, I told him he needed to live elsewhere if the A was going to continue. He said he couldn't because he didn't have enough $$$. I said, "I am sure your parents will help, I will call them and ask." I did. Of course they asked why and I told them.

For me it was very helpful for a number of reasons: H's father was very angry and both IL's expressed their disappointment. (I felt H needed to hear these things, but I was trying not to be the one/the only one telling him these things.) Also, they made it clear that his choices effected (and hurt) not only his W and child, but also everyone who was close to him. On a petty note, it helped because the ILs have often told me what a great father and husband H is which was not exactly the case. I don't think I will have to hear that again-- at least not for a long time. By the way, I never had a great relationship with the ILs but I had hard evidence (they never asked to see it), they have a sense of "family", they love their grandchild to death and they believe that their children's actions are a reflection on how they were raised. All of these factors played into my decision to tell them. One thing I was not prepared for, though, (and should have been) is that one of their primary concerns was would I ever tell the grandchild (at an age appropriate time).

H is now "mad" at them, but it helps him focus his anger away from me which has been helpful as we try to re-build.

BTW, I told my family as soon as I found out and we spent several days discussing it etc. before I confronted H. This REALLY helped me. I confronted H rationally and already knew for sure what I wanted. (I wanted to give the marriage one real 110% effort, but I was not asking him to do the same. I wanted him to make up his own mind about what he wanted.) I also had my family support already in place for when I really needed it (i.e., during the waiting for the decision phase and the early re-building phase).

I hope this gives some others some thoughts as they struggle with this.

So what do you do regarding telling people about the affair when it was your wife and future brother-in-law by a month?

My sister has to know. At the same time, she will then know it was with my wife. My family is now going to hate these 2 people. How will there be a chance to save this marriage, if my wife wrecked my sisters marriage, and my sisters fiance wrecked mine?

We won't be able to go to any family functions if things get better. My sister is going to hate her!!

I only read the first couple of posts, so forgive me if I'm a bit redundant. I have VERY strong opinons about this.

First things first. My H actually left me for the OW in my eighth month of pregnancy, so letting my family and his family know that things weren't great between us was inevitable. Seeing as though he talked about moving in with and marrying OW, letting them know that things may change permanently seemed better than suprising everyone.

But I think revealing the A to those closest to us had definite advantages. No. 1, I didn't have to go it alone. I had an immediate support system which I desperately needed. I was extremely pregnant and felt very suicidal at times.

It also helped H and OW see the "reality" of what they were actually doing. It messed up the whole fantasy vibe they had going on. All of a sudden, he was faced with the realities of telling the children they would have a new step-mother, bringing OW to holiday dinners, birthday parties, paying child support, alimony and how those financial obligations would affect his life with OW, not to mention taking on two more children that OW shared with someone else. She was faced with having to look his family in the eye, deal with the unbreakable bond of the children my H and I shared (it would never be "just the two of them" as it had been during the A).

Revealing the A forced the both of them to ask themselves if this is what they really wanted and if this way the way they wanted it. It became REAL. As real as the life he had with me.

Ultimately, he didn't want it and neither did she (even though she recently began showing her [censored] later). With all the Bull$hit out of the way, he was able to take a more comprehensive look at what he was giving up and why. This is when the fog began to lift for the both of them but primarily my H. When he had no place else to turn but the mirror, he didn't like what he saw. At that point I was very close to not taking him back and he was feeling the pressure.

About time to re-reveal this post to the light of day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

bumped for nid and others hesitant to expose the affair

Exposure has played a major part in Plan A activity in our life lately. WAT asked that I contribute to this thread ( fame at last ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

I THOUGHT exposure was a rightous laser beam that I could use to cut OM & WW apart. Then I thought it was craziness - a sure fire way to push WW away from me.

In truth, it is more AND less than all that IME:
The ACT of exposure does not affect the affair directly, it simply holds up its bindings to the scrutiny of light.

MB principles are not hopeware, they are borne out in affair after affair. Overwhelmingly affairs are naughty adult make believe I think - like "doctors and nurses" played between eight year olds, but with grown ups who know better.

However engrossed those kids may be in 'Doctors and nurses', the game changes FAST when the light switches on and Mom walks in. You gotta be REAL SERIOUS to carry on your game with Mom there and the light on.

Controlled exposure but PARTICULARLY to OM's spouse shines that SAME light of reality and acountability on the affair. The practicalities that bind the make-believe fantasy and Bullsh1t justifications together are shown in sharp relief.

In the case of my WWs A, the bindings were really shabby. OM backed off immediately, WW still longs for him a bit but never lifted a FINGER to be with him. Nor him with her.

So,in some cases I have no doubt that the practical, executable bindings holding the fantasy together WILL stand up to scritiny of exposure but most wont.

BTW it REALLY ticks off the WS but it EMPOWERS the BS a lot.

So , exposure works just like your Mom stopped lewd games by switching on the light. Same thing, bigger kids. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ September 09, 2004, 02:01 PM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> BTW it REALLY ticks off the WS but it EMPOWERS the BS a lot.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep, yep, yep!!!!!!! I blew the last shreds of wh's cover of last night and I'm riding high today!

Bob, you and FiM are an inspiration to many!

Muchas gracias for your sharing!