Is it good for you or bad for you to hate the OP? I would like to totally blame them so that I can more easily live with WH. I know this probably isn't healthy but does anyone NOT HATE the OP? How could you NOT HATE them?

Hate is a very strong, empowering word.

Do I like her - as a person, perhaps under different circumstances, I could. The times that I have talked to her, she seems pleasant. Do I like her for her part in the A, absolutely NO. Do I think she has lied to me and to FWH, absolutely YES. Do I have any respect for her, absolutely NO. Granted my FWH chose to break his marital vows and he is the one who took those vows, not her. BUT she claims that her ex-H had an affair on her when her daughters were quite young. If this is true, she must certainly understand the devastation I felt/am still feeling. If she were a compassionate, woman of integrity, how could she, having been in the same situation, participate in the same type of conduct? Okay, maybe she thought I would never find out - that would explain up to D-Day #1, BUT there were 14 additional D-Days and she still hung around. Also, she was/may still be encouraging my FWH to leave his then 8 month old son, job, country, etc. to move overseas to be with her. She denies that she was/is encouraging him, as does FWH. Even if that is true, if she were a person of integrity, when he was telling her that he was going there to be with her (and calling me up and telling me he wanted to come home and work on our marriage), she should have been telling him that his place was with his son. What kind of woman encourages the father of a baby < one year old to leave that baby or any child, for that matter, and move to another country?

Okay, okay, I'm done with my mini vent. I could go on and on and on and on with other issues that have come up with regard to her and why I do not believe she is a woman of integrity, but why dwell on her? That's giving her TOOOOOO much power!

Brit's Brat/BS-41
FWH-43
DS- 13 months old today
Status: One Day At A Time

dazedblonde,

I don't *hate* OM - I just hate his part in the whole mess. I had met him (prior to their A) a number of times and (in my case) he is a nice guy - <rant on> just too *^&>ing young and naive not to realise the hurt he was causing to everyone involved - himself included. If he really *loved* her why couldn't he have waited to see whether we sorted our M out<rant off>

so that's how I cope <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

being serious though I think he does realise now - trouble (in one way) is he is now saying that he wants my W to be happy - even if it means her leaving him and trying again with me. It's a trouble because that type of *unselfish* behaviour deposits lots of points in her LBank for him...

So I don't know the answer - but I think it's better to vent in here about the OP than at your S.

We can all take it!

Strangely this OW was a friend of mine as a child. LOONNNGGG time ago. We were all at a work party this summer and she was really flirting with my husband so that some other friends of ours noticed and were really mad about it. I think I can hate her right now, easily. It might be empowering and it might be wrong but right now, it feels right to me.

I don't think about the OW much at all these days. I used to...I'd wonder if she ever thought about the consequences of her behaviour, if she felt badly about being in my home and what she was doing to myself and my kids. I decided awhile ago to NOT give her that power over me. I think about the important things now ie. working on my M. My H made the choices he did...to hate the OW would mean having the same feeling for my H. My choice, don't let her be a part of my families life in thought or deed. I choose not to give that power to her.

Hating the OP may seem like the right thing to do, but from experience I can tell you its a collossal waste of time and energy. In the early days and months post discovery, a BS tries to find rational ways to deal with the trauma, and one of the easist things to do is to fixate on the OP with all the rage and anger they can muster. Somehow it gives you someplace to direct all of that energy, and strangely, it even feels right at the time.

But the veterans here will tell you that the best thing to do is concentrate your energy on things you can control and find ways to simply not fixate or "hate" the OP. It actually gives them power over you....look at all the time you're devoting to thinking about them! And they're not thinking about you at all - moreso, they're spending maximum energy trying to find ways to stay in the picture with your spouse.

I say all of this from experience. I did things wrong and went the "lets hate the OP" route for a short time. I learned everything about her, and with every discovery dug in more with venom and hatred. That attitude carries over and its not easily disguised when you're trying to make real love deposits with your WS. Meanwhile, the bimbo was happy-go-happy, frolicking through life without a care - creating a big contrast between us for my BS to compare.

When I wised up in a hurry and consciously set all that anger aside and concentrated on me - and meeting his emotional needs, the fog lifted, he flipped around in a hurry and she became a twit in his eyes almost overnight.

Truly. A twit. That happy-go-happy stuff she dished out grew tiring to him. That bimbo personality that he found so endearing at first - that he rushed in to save - soon grated on his nerves.

Marriage Builder's principles work and I'd encourage you to read on the site and instead of putting energy into hating the OP - put the same energy into a good Plan A. You'll be amazed at the results! A better you, and hopefully a plan charted toward recovery.

The OP doesn't factor into the recovery at all. Don't open the door by hating her so you have to drag that baggage along.

-pendragon-

DB,

Hate to admit it now, but in the beginning right after d-day it did help for me to hate the OP. I think for me it was necessary to have these feelings to process the anger.

Thankfully it didn't last for long; although I can't tell you how I feel about her now. I don't think about her all that often fortunately.

H & I are focusing on how we can make our marriage better now and in the future. Still I wouldn't want to run into her at any point in the future. I don't completely trust myself to know that I would behave in a way that reflects who I really am.

H feels that if she saw me first she would run the other way. That would be wise. Blessings CSue

dear dazed;
as one who is struggling with fustration, anger and yes hate I can tell you no good comes of it. It will ruin your relationship with your spouse that you are trying to rebuild and they are not worth it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> My stbw ex is a real jerk and has threaten her on several fronts so to keep her from having a life. He left but treats her as the bad one. He threatens to sue her for adultry yet he has had several relationships during their separtations( talk about the tea kettle calling the coffee pot black. Anyways the way I feel about him is basically is give me some rope and a tree. All this anger and hate will eat you up from the inside out. get rid of it and move on with your marriage. be mad by all means but don't hate its a waste of time. I have a hard time dealing with it cause I can't help her and the fustration turns to anger and to hate so stay away from that path please <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Well let me tell ya...

Go ahead and hate the OP. But if it consumes you, you'll be wasting valuable energy on something that doesn't deserve it.

Funny story - my ex's girlfriend was his OW while we were still married (number 5 OW, actually) and she's not my fav person. I haven't even met her. But yeah, I don't like her, could say I hate her, but don't think about her much anymore. But occasionally my kids will say something about her, like how ugly she looked, and I smile to myself...

But when/if I ever have to deal with her (like if they marry) I will be polite, cordial even. But inside, she'll never be anything but the chick that finally ended the marriage.

I pity the OP because in my mind he has already lost by taking it this far! It is just a matter of time(I'm in a good mood right now!) Hate is very powerful and very addictive when you are trying to escape dealing with your part in creating the environment for the A. Don't get me wrong, the A itself is plain wrong!

I don't mean to be all Jedi-like but hey, why not? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Any thoughts on that?

The greatest revenge you can take on OP is to obliterate their memory as much as possible. Move on and let their stench become invisible.

Choose recovery however that looks for you--hopefully in the form of a restored marriage but if not, at least, in a new life with wisdom gained.

Just my two cents. (Although I am FWS, my H taught me the best revenge is to forget OM.)

All the energy you put into hating the OP simply distracts from looking at yourself and your own failings in the marriage, and it also does your spouse a diservice....as you hold the OP responsible for what is your spouse's responsibility.

Its safer to direct anger at the OP - the OP won't leave you, and fear of being abandoned is a powerful motivator to turn that anger away from a spouse.

Bottom line is, the only way that you really heal and really recover is by taking responsibility for what is yours, and allowing your spouse the same. To do less disrespects your spouse.

You know what freshstart and BR? I think you're both wonderful, you know that... but I really think that when we don't allow ourselves to feel the real emotion (in this case, hating the OP) we do a diservice to ourselves.

Now, I'm not talking about pure white hate that lingers for years or anything, but about the feeling that the OP had a part in destroying our trust, our marriage, etc.

Hey, I was an OP (besides being a BS many times over) and I expect the OM's wife to hate me forever. Why shouldn't she? No, I don't expect she's got a voodoo doll she's sticking pins in or anything (Geez, I hope not!) but I do expect her to think lowly of me whenever I do enter her mind.

I feel the same way about my ex's OW's. I will NEVER have a soft spot for them. Why should I?

Anyway, not that any of it really matters now, and I certainly don't spend time with thoughts of them unless it's times like these when we're talking about it, or my kids say something (like I said above) but... all this talk about the only way to heal is forgive the OP, or that hating the OP somehow disrespects your spouse... well... I just don't believe that.

Well, to answer your question. No! Hating the other person does not help. Having said that...I hate the ground the OPs walk on. Not to mention the OPs themselves.

Do I dwell on them? No. But, neither would I be the first to throw them a rope if they were drowning. These OP were and are preditors. Other relationships have been completely destroyed by, at least one of, their actions. My marriage very nearly was as well.

My hating the OPs doesn't negate my wifes part in any of this. No, I do not hate my wife. I hate what she allowed to happen. I hate what I allowed myself to miss in my marriage as well.
There is a difference, at least to me. I love my wife. I hate mine and her allowing our marriage to grow cold if you will. To stagnate.

So, being honest, I do hate the OPs. Just do not allow that hatred to rule my life. Rarely think of them at all anymore.

Not very Christian of me I suppose.

jd

I have to agree with everyone who said hating is okay! But I also agree with everyone who said don't dwell on the OP. Just remember your WS had just as much to do with what happened. You should hate both of them for what happened and the hurt that you have experienced. But to let hatred for the OP to consume you does not good. I know that I less and less of the OP as the days go by and more and more about regaining what we (me and WS)had. This is the only way that I can keep sane. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Well that my .02cents worth anyway.

Is it good or bad? Well, both. I think it's a pretty normal reaction in the beginning. It's "safe" to steer all that negative emotion towards a person that really isn't in your life. It makes it just a little easier on the WS and the BS, else you might be directing it all towards the person you love, even if you are angry at them.

HOWEVER, if you don't come to understanding that the OP is really not the person you have a problem with...it's your spouse. Most of us eventually come to realize that hate is a waste of our valuable time, energy, thought and emotion. It just sort of fizzles out. As we get down to doing our healing. That takes all our time, energy...etc. We put the "blame" squarely where it is deserved, on our spouse, and together we make changes and help each other heal.

HOWEVER...somewhere deep in my heart is a cold "seed" which can indeed be brought back to life if our own OW should try to intrude once again into our marriage. It's sleeping now, maybe it's dead, but I wouldn't want to put it to the test. jmho

Thanks to everyone who told me it was okay to "hate ow". Thanks to everyone who said get over it. I will someday. But right now the only way to live with my wh is to hate ow. I have a new dilemma that I am going to start on a new thread....

Last night I saw a news story that stated that hostility has a higher correlation to heart attacks than even high blood pressure or high cholesterol.

An actual health reason to move on from hatred of the OP, it can kill you.

Hi Sheryl,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...I really think that when we don't allow ourselves to feel the real emotion (in this case, hating the OP) we do a diservice to ourselves.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I didn't say she couldn't or shouldn't feel that emotion. I addressed her specific question which was basically if displacing anger that belongs at her husband could be directed at the OP as a form of recovery. IE:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">dazedblonde:
I would like to totally blame them so that I can more easily live with WH.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not only is it disrespectful to the H, to treat him as if he has no control over his own decisions, but it will also leave a gaping wide hole in their marriage - and will make it that much more easier for him to betray her again.

I haven't forgiven my H's OW either. I don't believe in it, and I don't think it's necessary for recovery. The OW didn't believe she did anything wrong (or maybe she did, but I can't judge her heart) so to forgive her would be incredibly patronizing and disrepectful.

Does that mean still I hate her? No. I really don't. But I did once. Dropping my hatred of her gave me more time to focus on important things like my marriage and my own life. I have a better marriage because I have learned to understand what she did that my husband needed, and learned how to bring that back into our marriage. Hating her would not have given me that understanding.

There aren't words strong enough to convey my hatred for the OP's. My one prayer is that all of them roast in he11 for 5 eternities.

I have NO forgiveness for any of them. Besides, they didn't ask for it. In fact, they still lied about their involvement even when I talked to them. My greatest fear is that at some point in their lives, they do an about face and ask for some kind of blanket foregiveness for their sins before dieing in a bid to escape the fires of He11. It will make it all seem so meaningless should it be granted.

Foregiveness should be granted by the ones they hurt??? I know there are many WS's out there who asked foregiveness from their BS. But what about the OP's spouses?? Don't you owe them something too? Do you think the only one you hurt was your own BS? Until ALL the people you injured are included in your foregiveness list, you should NOT consider yourself "foregiven".

That may upset a few Ws's who feel they are "off the hook" because the BS has re-accepted them again, but there were others who you injured. Every OP who my WW was involved with is now divorced. My best guess is that she would never see that her involvement with them had to have made some contribution to the deterioration of their marriages in the same way it has destroyed the kind of relationship we used to have.

Lor is right. Carrying around that much hatred IS hard on the heart. But before I cave in and foregive any of them again, I'll see them in He11 first.