Hello everyone! I need some opinions.

My H is deeply in the fog! He is not the same man I have been married to for over 17yrs. He is having A with a married coworker. D-D was 8/20/02. H moved out the following week and then tells me he wanted a cheap mediated divorce.

I know that OW H moved out of state for a new job several months ago and knows of W's A. My H admitted to me that her H has told his wife if he cheated on W why would he not cheat on you, all cops cheat. (yes he is a cop)

My H who is very moody has been very verbally abusive to me so Jennifer suggested I go to plan B.

NOW here is my question should I make contact with OW H and to find out what his intentions are and if they are planning on divorcing?

Coworkers of H and OW tell me that she has a history of As and that she doesnt want to marry my H and is just playing with his heart.

Thanks guys, Rhonda

I allied with OW's H and compared notes. It was helpful. But be careful. It can also hurt. OW's H could give you hurtful or inaccurate information.

For example, maybe OW tells her H your H has promised marriage and wants her to have his baby. Her H repeats this to you. But perhaps OW is lying, telling this to her H to hurt him or make him jealous. Take it all with a grain of salt.

I noticed when I was in contact with OW's H neither my H or OW liked it very much.

Get as much info about OW as you can. You can plant some seeds of doubt in your H.

I knew my H was OW's 3rd affair. I would point out to him, that even if they ended up together, he was unlikely to be her last!

BTW this must be done carefully- not angrily. If OW has a history of affairs-

sweetly "gee, H, there's something that surprises me in this whole thing.... well, you've always seemed so jealous of me, I always thought you'd freak if I had an affair- so I've stayed true to you all these years... but you seem to be so accepting of the affairs OW had. So I guess I was wrong- you really don't mind a woman that plays around???? Just curious, trying to understand your attitudes better....."

My H and I had a four hour talk about a month ago and I told him about the fact she had bragged about her past affairs to other coworkers. He refused to believe anything bad about his saintly OW. My H met her three years ago and came home and told me he could not believed the lack of morals this woman had. I have also pointed that out to him that conversation but he refuses to remember. He has given up everything for OW his faith, our family, his family (they refuse to have anything to do with him), his reputation.

My H also admitted to me that this OW has lied to him since leaving me but he is willing to leave everything behind to be with her.

Is he living with OW? If not, where is OW living?
And OW's H is living out of state alone?

Do you have kids with your H?
Does she have kids? Are they living with her and your H?

Are you doing a Plan B?

Check this thread out. Maybe it will help.

On revealing the affair to the light of day

Hello, this is my first post but I've been hanging around here at MB since D-day 1 (19 May 02) and then after D-day 2(24 Oct 02)I made contact with OW's long term BF. I had decided not to contact him at first-moral high ground etc.Decided not to interfere in her relationship. I changed my mind after the even more devastating blow of D day 2. It was really helpful at first to talk to him and he found it so too.We are not talking now as the accusations and "he said that you said" circle got too painful for us both. For example hearing via OW's BF that OW is convinced that WH has chosen to stay with us(me and 3 girls ) only because of the girls.
So my advice would be-make contact if you want to and can get helpful information but avoid getting stuff that will only hurt and doesn't change the facts.

<small>[ November 19, 2002, 05:50 AM: Message edited by: Deluded of Devon ]</small>

Espoir, My H just moved into his apt. two weekends ago. He had been staying at a motel. We had two teenage sons, 15 and 13 years who cant not stand OW now. H took our boys on several outings with her and her kids prior to D-D and now they feel used. OW also has two teenagers a D 12 and a S 14. My understanding is that H has been courting them also. H has said that her kids dont see him as the bad guy. H has also admitted to our boys that her kids dont want to have anything to do with him but they were giving them time to adjust. Who knows the truth. I hope that her children are resisting the relationship like ours. Her H is out of state and the kids have been to see him at least once since D-D.

I spoke with Jennifer last week and she suggested I start plan B since H has been taking out guilt on me by being verbally abusive towards me since leaving. He has tried to have a conversation with me and when I told him to stop talking to me and communicate via email yesterday he again got upset and told me that I was being childish and I explained to him that talking to him was to painful for me now and hung up. I wrote him a follow up email explaining that no contact was not punishment towards him but a way for me not to lose my love for him and suggested he read my plan b letter and read the SAA copy I had given him. Rhonda

I wish I would have made contact when I first found out about A in July. Instead OW H found out mid Oct. We've been in contact and I've found out quite a bit which does hurt...many lies I was told by H.
The thing is now my H has said he wants out of our M and OW is also getting divorced, so I wonder if letting OW H know in July could have prevented the A from going on so long and becoming this intense.
You do need to be careful of what you are told though....you don't know where OW H is getting his info and if it's true or just what he believes, but I think it can be helpful.
We tried to almost team up to bring our respective spouses back, but I think it may be too late...

Gosh, I'm sorry you are going through this. Plan B is probably a good idea. After all, your H has made the choice to distance himself from the marriage.

Hopefully the reality of the difficulty of blending families will hit home before it's too late. And hopefully the truth about OW's personality will come out.