How many of you have had WS say they wanted out and actually went through with it? Anyone see hope in my situation or have anything similar?

My H told me a week ago he wanted out. He has talked to a lawyer and is waiting on some information (child support I think) but has made it clear that he can't commit to me completely and that is what he knows I deserve.

The OW is also getting a D. The A has been on since May with a couple attempts to end it but he can't get her out of his head. Their emails are pretty heavy...I love you forever, We'll be together soon, I need you, etc.

I'm still in plan A since we live together. OW lives 7 hours away, so they don't see each other often although talk at least 3 times a day and email.
He has told me that he knows it may not work with OW (due to distance, not having actually spent alot of time together, etc.) But that he doesn't know that he could remain faithful to me anyway so want's out.

Another twist is that I'm pregnant and due May 15. I have asked that we hold off on D and selling our house, etc. until the baby is born because I just don't know if emotionally I can take going through that while being pregnant. He is thinking about that and again, waiting on what his lawyer says.

I'm staying because I'm comfortable in my own house, believe it or not I still want to be around him, and I wonder if him experiencing this pregnancy, etc. being a part of it will help to get him out of the fog.

Anyone have comments, hope, suggestions?

This post caught my eye and I could not help but respond. Read my profile at the bottom. My husband had a 20 month affair with OW, and lived with her most of that time. He initially said he wanted a divorce, even filed, but did not go through with it.

6 weeks before he came home, he told me again he wanted a divorce...

I avoided the talk of divorce, however that was much easier for me since we do not have children, therefore we did not have to discuss visitation or child support issues.

Hi Holding- I know how difficult it is to deal with both the shock of discovery and THEN the fact that the WS is insistent on D. That's what happened in my case. My H said he wasn't ending his A with single OW from his work and after two wks of living with him staying out with her I asked him to move out. He did and ended up staying at OW's condo which was listed for sale.( Amazingly she had taken a job promotion to another state even though she insisted she still wanted him to divorce me to be with her-she drove back on wkends for a few months to see him while we were separated). I think when she moved it even INTENSIFIED their wkend times together because they didn't have to LIVE with each other day in and day out. The success rate for second marriages that started out as an A is only 5 percent! Anyway- H came by our house often to visit the kids on wk nights and I did a mild Plan A- was pleasant to him and tried not to quiestion him too much about his future plans and when he talked about D I told him that I was completely against it- that it was harmful to kids- that I was against it on a moral/spiritual basis so I would contest it and there was no use in discussing it further! He would insist our marriage was hopeless but I refused to buy into that. I did find a D attorney however for advice and just in case! and went to MANY Bible studies and out with friends to try to keep busy. I also went to counseling by myself to get my feelings out. Eventually what happened was that H was pressured by OW to keep taking steps toward divorcing me to make HER happy and H did file on me and had me served. That same night he finally broke down and said he was making the worst mistake of his life and went to MY counselor to ask advice on how to get away from OW emotionally. Patience is a KEY thing when your H is in a very emotionally charged affair. They are in a true fantasy world believe me! They call it the FOG on this board! We are together now and have been thru 2 yrs of marriage counseling and marriage seminars and are doing well. So there is HOPE! Take care! lifeismessy

Thank you for the support and letting me know things can work out.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much though. I think my H feels that way too, he doesn't want to cuddle too much, etc. because although he wants to be there for me and this pregnancy, he also says he doesn't want to be leading me on.

Messy: I know what you mean by the distance intensifying things. I think that is a big aspect of this whole affair. Yes, they email/talk every day, but they've seen each other 6 times since they first met in a bar...so definitely have not had any reality. My counselor said he wished she lived closer so they could be together because that reality is many times what makes them come out of the fog.

My H has said he is going to see her still and I said I'm not happy about it, but I know I can't stop you and just would like the courtesy of knowing where you are instead of lies. So the secrecy aspect would be gone and maybe that will help reality sink in a little.

I think he has been pressured by OW as well to seek a D now....since she is going through with hers, filing the end of January, I think she has pressured him to do the same.

Of course he tells me that she understands him being with me during the pregancy and she wants him to experience it, etc. Maybe she's saying this to avoid LBs with him...I don't know.

I've been trying to do some of the 180 stuff too, and agreeing with him when he says he wants a D, but it's hard. The other nite I asked if we could wait to do that until the baby is born and I really shouldn't have brought it up at all.

He said he was worried I wanted to wait because I was hopeful he would change his mind. I said I just didn't want the stress of D and selling our house, etc. while being pregnant....I'm worried about stress on our baby. So, he's thinking about that.

I know he is in deep in this fog....I just hope he can come out of it and maybe being a father for the first time, and experiencing things like the baby kicking, etc. will help him come around.

I know, time and patience! I guess at this point being pregnant that is what I have.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by HoldingMyBreath:
<strong>How many of you have had WS say they wanted out and actually went through with it? Anyone see hope in my situation or have anything similar? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>

Hi Holding - I posted a question similar to yours a couple of months back. I wondered how often does a WS insist on D and then later decide to work on the M. In our case, he asked for the D and D-Day was a little later. I had no idea that he was involved with someone else. I knew he was unhappy in our M - we both were. Still, asking for the D threw me, as he was already D'd before meeting me, and had always told me that he never wanted to go through that again.

He was very deeply into an EA when I finally learned of it. She also lives far away, and I believe that's a very bad thing. There is even less reality than in most A's when they are separated by distance. It's always vacationland when they're together. No reality whatsoever.

My H told me that there was no reason to stay in the M - he would never feel "that way" toward me again. It had to be over. He had not seen a lawyer, but had gotten information on how to proceed. Since we have a child, I was not in agreement. I did get him to agree to counseling within about a month of D-day. But I have to be honest, I did feel like he was just going through the motions for a while.

He never did leave our home, but sure wasn't really "with me" while staying in it. Once I knew of the EA, I became aware of so much. There was a flurry of e-mailing going on, and cell phone calls. It was all very blatant once he had told me he wanted to be with her. It was incredibly painful.

The same types of things you talked about were said between them. It's all fog. They had been friends for many, many years (funny that she never wanted to be MY friend!) and it was all so comfortable, etc. Their friendly e-mails just went more friendly. They planned to be together. She was always there for him. (She's already D'd. Her children are grown, she had all the time in the world to devote to my H.)

After much LBing (as I had not found MB and did not know any better) someone wisely pointed out to me that my being angry would not likely make him want me back. My H had been very vocal for a long time, telling me all that he thought I needed to change in this M. His points were valid. I legitimately had many things that I had to work on myself in order to become a better partner. I did start right away to correct things, in fact, my H was even aware of some of the things I had started to change BEFORE he asked for the D. It was already too late for him, in his mind. (Don't get me wrong - there were some things that HE needed to work on as well - this just wasn't the time to discuss THOSE things.)

To make a long story somewhat shorter, I was plan A-ing before I knew what it was. He was able to see changes, although he did not trust that they would last. It was a very long, dragged out process. As things started to improve between us, I asked him nicely to discontinue contact. He agreed and let her know they could no longer be in touch. He was not able to let contact end, though. He contacted her again after the NC conversation with her. He was telling me during this time that there was no contact, so I had throught we were in actual recovery. We were not. Although I do believe that we are now, and have been for half a year or so.

These types of situations are very hard. My H felt such loyalty toward OW, and had such strong feelings for her, that it was especially hard for him to have to have to hurt her. When he went into the emotional part of his relationship with her, he had NO intention of staying in this M. He absolutely thought he was "out of here." So he never intended to hurt her, and did not want to.

I do think it's good that in your situation, your H is at least acknowledging up front that he realizes it may not work out with her. I think that shows that your H is being somewhat realistic about the A. He may feel very strongly now that he will never feel that way about you again, but that is not necessarily true. There are LOTS of examples on this website of the complete opposite being true.

Has your H told you what he felt was wrong in your M? Do you know of things that you can be working on? Why does he feel that even if he doesn't stay with her that he still might not be able to be faithful to you? I feel for you so much that you are going through all this while being pregnant. Pregnancy is enought to deal with on its own without having to deal with all this stuff.

Will your H consider counseling? I think that in your situation, you REALLY need it. Would he at least try? I would really recommend you try the Harley's, since they're so experienced at saving marriages. In your position, I would not waste the time trying someone who might just tell you if you're unhappy, get a D. And they are out there. Otherwise, interview a counselor first by phone. Get their feelings up front about how important it is (or is not) to save a M.

I do think that it's a good thing that your H is there during the pregnancy - especially if you're plan A'ing. Is this your first child? How is he feeling about having this child? I agree with you about not wanting to get D'd and sell the house, etc., while you're pregnant. But I know that when a spouse is on the fence trying to decide what to do, it's very hard to live with. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this at this time in your life. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this at all!

MT

I would get into his head a little bit....

"Dear, I was thinking ... what type of visitation arrangement do you anticipate once our child is born?" .... let him imagine living apart from his baby.

"Dear, I was thinking ... how much savings can you sock away for our childs college fund?"... get him thinking about his financial responsibility.

"Dear, I was thinking ... would it bother you horribly if our baby had a hyphenated last name?" .... hehehe

Just throwing out a few non LB ticklers.

Pepper

I know exactly what you are feeling..I been there also, pregant and having to deal with my WS and his OW...I know that this is a hard situation and you feel scared and lonely...My husband was there at the Hospital in the room when I had the baby but still did not help the fog...What I did is once I had the baby, I had to decide whether I wanted to deal with his actions...I chose not to, I asked him to move and he was upset, but he did leave and moved directly in with the OW...I felt so hurt and also felt like I was never going to get pass this...however, one thing I can tell you is that he was not happy!!! He was very mean to me, but also took alot of his feelings out on the OW also...she made it a point to let me know...anyway, he also asked for a divorce, at first, I said that I would not sign..once I got myself together,I asked him , or should I say, I told him that I was filing...he then decided that he was coming home...even though we are separated again...it did show me that all those mean things he said to me was not true...it really showed me how confused he really was...so in saying all this, I want to tell you to hang in there and let God work this out, also pray and cover your baby, OK..Good luck..You husband will come around in time if you be patient...

Pepper makes a good point. Those little ticklers help jog the fantasy a little. I didn't realize it at the time, but I did this with my S on two occassions -- once when she asked for a separation but didn't say she had an A, and more recently following D-Day.

1. Well, we'll need to find you an apartment, but it needs to be near the kids and their school. That way, they can drop by after classes.

2. I think I'll go ahead and paint that wall since we never did agree on the color.

3. Feel free to drop by for dinner or whatever whenever you want. Just call first.

4. Yes, we can still go running, if you have time, since you'll be working two jobs.

5. You can stay in the house with the kids while I'm away.

6. (This was a big one) Hey, you know me pretty good. Maybe you can help me when I start dating again.

Just stuff to consider. Again, it brings reality into their little selfish worlds.

MT:
I appreciate you sharing your story...it really helps to hear about the successes out there.
I do know a few things that he was unhappy about....he felt taken for granted, that I didn't really listen to him, and someone came along who was interested in him.
Also my family is very involved and enjoys spending time together while his is really the opposite and he felt that my family pulled me away sometimes.
So there are some things, but the big thing now is that he is in love with someone else. I suggested that he go to counseling on his own, we had gone together a few times, but he was done with that. I suggested on his own to figure out why the A happened and how to prevent one in the future, now with me, but with OW or whoever he ends up with. I suggested he may want some help to work through that so he can be happy with someone.
I think right now he just sees OW as the person he is happy with and thats it.

This is our first child...and he's excited about it and is worried about me not letting him be a part of his child's life. I said there's not a lot I can do if he moves 7 hours away. And I said that the courts will make sure he can see the child so I wouldn't be able to keep him away if I wanted to. I'm hoping that the experience of going through the pregnancy and birth, etc. will help him realize what he would be missing. Even if he stayed in this area and we were apart, he would not be as involved as he could be.

Pepper: That is a good idea....I may wait until I know more about what his plans are for when we will Divorce, etc. but I think that will help show that I realize he is serious and am not just waiting for him to come back to me.

T: Thanks for your story....your right, I need to be patient...I also need to be realistic that this may not bring him out of the fog. I guess I feel that once I have the baby...I'll have someone else to really focus on and love and maybe it will help me to get over him if he still is going through with this.

I do need to start trying those tips to see if the fog would lift a bit....I just worry that he'll see it as me accepting the situation and that it's over. Of course at this point I probably have nothing to lose.
It reminds me in a way of a site called stop your divorce or something that talks about agreeing with everything your spouse says....so if they say they want a divorce, say I can understand how you feel and your right that's probably best....that is really hard to do, but I'm trying those 180 type things.

sorry, doubled posted

<small>[ November 19, 2002, 11:35 AM: Message edited by: Tatchina ]</small>

I know you may not see it right now, but guess what? You have the upper hand...you are having His baby...the OW is not going to be able to handle two odds against her...the baby and You...see no matter how he thinks he feel now about the OW...I am willing to bet that things are going to change when that baby is born...all his attention will be on that child..I know because one thing I can say about my WS...is that his children comes first!!! and being that the OW is use to getting his full attention, that is defintely going to change...mark my words...so be patient, watch your WS come to his senses...the OW will show her true colors once she is not getting what she is use to from him..So yeah, just be patient.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />