I'm new but have posted on Just "Just Found Out" in case you would like to read my posts. About this fog...SO comes and goes as he pleases, has stopped interacting at all with us (my brother, his sister, me, our pets,any family) You would have to read my thread for all the weirdness that surrounds my situation. Here's a short story, he is involved with a Korean woman that is married to an american. He says she wants to have his baby, and they are going to get married and live a blissful life,blah, blah, blah. Anyways, he says he is moving out, I said that is fine if he needs to but that I love him and whatever he feels is best for him. Even though, he is my soul financial support because of disability, (read other thread) he has dropped all financial responsibilities on my brother (who just moved here) and his sister. He sleeps in another part of the house, and stays there when he is home for the few hours he is here. Does not want to talk, or have anything to do with me, but I remain polite. It as if I'm staring at a zombie, who could care less at the carnage he leaves behind. So I do not know if I'm in plan A, plan B, he had done the questionares with me a week before I caught them. Also her husband knows about this, but I do not know anything except what SO told me that she told her husband she wants a divorce and does not love him, and I found out they will fly to Vegas after to get married so they may have their "special Perfect child from God" (his quote not my sarcasm!!! So... I think he is finished with me as he does not have any contact with me or is polite in any shape, form , or manner. So, I just work on me, and try to see if the "fog" lifts at all, so far.....it has not lifted in the slightest.

<small>[ November 24, 2002, 04:37 PM: Message edited by: Neesha ]</small>

Neesha --

I'm sorry for all of this in your life. Not sure if there's a question in your post that you'd like some thoughts on, but my first reaction is that you have a good grasp on the reality of the situation, even so far as your proposed course of action ("I just work on me, and try to see if the "fog" lifts"). Doesn't make it any easier to know that but perhaps helps to know that you're really doing all you can do.

That's all any of us can do; we work on ourselves and bide our time and hope that the Fog lifts. Frankly, whether you're in Plan A or B is almost a non-issue at this point. Until some sort of meaningful communication is reestablished, the Plans don't have much meaning for SO, primarily because of the Fog. He isn't able to see what's best for him with his vision obscured so while it's good of you to want "whatever's best for him," and you've made that statement out of love, it's probable that he isn't able to process it on any significant level.

I'm with you and, while I haven't read your other posts, I know the chaos and pain that you're going through just from this one. I thought you needed a response to your post and this is my "take" on things. Please post again and let us know how you're doing. Maybe we can drum up some more thoughts for you...

Ammon

Thank you Ammon for your words and thoughts. I appreciate it. It's nice to hear feedback.

Neesha --

Just checking in with you to see how you're doing.

One thing I wanted to add: There's no timetable here, unfortunately, no way of knowing how long the Fog will last. It's rarely days or even weeks, more likely months. In my case it's been a year and a half. Not what you want to hear, I know, and it would be great for you if you could come in under that mark. I'm still hanging in and hoping, but...

Keep us posted please.

Ammon

He's getting worse, he is saying that I called his job and told OMW's BIL that they were having an affair, I didn't!!! If I would have I would have not been sneaky about it. I told him that if he wants to believe that to justify his actions on dropping all bills on me (disabled and not on SSI) than fine. I watch him taking things out of the house, he is cold, angry, and just plain nasty. Heck, I would help him pack so he could get out faster. He is really being a nasty person with no regard for anybody but himself. What blows my mind is the pure distance he shows us all, and not being respectful in any manner. Noone here is bothering him but when we have to ask a question he snaps back with anger at me and lashes out at me. Noone else talks to him but I am just not that kind of person, but I do not go out of my way to talk to him since he told me and I quote, "I do not want to talk to you" Well you don't have to hit me over the head, I am more than sure that he has severed everything between us, and that he has NO intention of waking up from where he has sunk to, he has not THERE, in any human form. Well, I still work on me, and that's how it's going to have to be. I love the man I met 3 years ago, but do not know the shell of the being I see today. Thanks for asking about me though, alot of people I guess have nothing to really post to me about, I guess we are the blind leading the blind sometimes. Nice to vent here though, and know it's not going to come back in a negative way.

Neesha --

I don't know about the blind leading the blind but I sure know about the injured and crippled and hurting trying to help each other. I think that it helps a lot just to have somebody who will listen, who has been there, who is non-judgmental, who understands what we're all going through.

This board and a couple of others like it saved my life about a year ago. I don't know what I would have done, how I would have survived or gotten through a day, without it.

A large part of his anger and inability to interact calmly and rationally is his guilt. Much of anger in any situation stems from feelings of inadequacy and of "doing the wrong thing." He thinks he knows that what he's doing is the right thing, but a part of him knows it's not = guilt.

It's probably true, at this point, that "he has NO intention of waking up from where he has sunk to,"--all part of the Fog. He's making the "right decisions"--but, of course, he's not. You don't recognize him because what you're seeing isn't him. What you're seeing is an alien, very foreign to this earth. Looks like him but certainly doesn't act like him--or anyone you'd fall in love with at this stage.

Just remember: what it looks like today may not be what it looks like tomorrow. I'm not so sure that "he has severed everything between us." If he didn't care, Neesha, he wouldn't even be angry.

Glad you posted again. My response will bump you up to the top and maybe we'll get some action. Can't believe others won't join in... Hang in.

Ammon

Ammon, you have been so kind, please share with me your story, I really have not seen any of your posts, if they are here somewhere direct me to them so I can read them without you having to type it all over again. I really do feel the pain we all share and I feel this has been the best site I have found. It's funny, I was visiting this site last year, reading the articles telling my friends about it. Again, thank you, and please share your story with me if you feel you want to.

You know, as a BS I am being kind, polite and respectful. On the other hand, I am receiving hatred, and spitefullness and disrespect. Am I glad he is moving out, yes, because in the state he is in, I feel he is emotionally abusive as he directs all his negativity at me. Asked him, "Do you hate me", he says no. I asked, "Am I your friend", he says, I find no need to have this discussion, so I will leave the room" I said, no, I will, sorry to have bothered you. He says, that at this point he feels there is nothing to discuss as if WE EVER DID. He is blaming me for things I did not do. I never told the MWBIL, that WS works with. ALL I get is hatred coming off him and I find that more painful. I offered to help him pack so he could get out of here earlier, he says NO, I do not want you to help me. Now, I find this a just too stressful right now. Thanks for letting me vent. Has anybody been thru this??

Neesha --

Thanks for asking about my story. I found this site about a year ago and it was a life-saver for me. Not so much in what feedback I got about my situation-- actually very little since I never put it all down in one place as my own post--but from contributing to others in pain, especially our new-comers, the "newly stricken." Even though so much of what I read here reached inside me and hurt me anew, I was able to reach outside myself, my own pain and bewilderment, and lose some of that hurting for those precious minutes.

With the holidays approaching, I find myself drawn here with the same goals in mind. Last year at this time was so very difficult for me...and here I am again, a little improved but such a long and hard road remaining.

I've been married for 19 years, a good marriage (or so I thought) with two wonderful now-teenaged daughters. Almost two years ago--although I didn't learn of it for about eight months--my wife chose--CHOSE--to have an affair. I stayed in our home as long as I could stand it, about three months, then I moved out, the pain and the coldness and the on-going A in my face far too much to bear. She wouldn't leave and I wouldn't "put her out" so I left. That was a little over a year ago and I'm still reeling. She continues the A with OM and we have very little contact, except through our daughters.

She filed for divorce last spring but I am dragging my feet at every step so very little has happened to move that forward, much to her dismay. The Fog has lifted very temporarily only 2-3 times in this past year and then not so much to question her actions as to feel "scared out of her wits" about the future.

She's rejected counseling although we tried it with three separate counselors and seems determined to go through with this at any cost to our family and really to herself.

There I am in a nutshell. Bits and pieces of me are found in my various responses to others from last fall, winter, and spring. I stopped coming here in April or May of this year, hurt too much, reopened the pain. But I've returned, still wounded, but ready for another go-round.

Thanks again for asking. BTW, your attitude and behavior towards him are completely correct--you're doing the right things here, Neesha, he's the one who's decidedly off-base and disrespectful. You need to respond that way, out of love, for him but mainly for yourself. It's the "good" thing to do.

I'll keep an eye on this post and see if we can get some more ideas from others here. Also, providing a place to vent is often what this board does best so don't ever feel like you're imposing. Hang in, Neesha, you're doing the right thing...

Ammon

Well, I'm glad you decided to come back, you have been so nice in your responses, This is the time to get support as the holidays approach. How are your children taking this situation between you and your wife? Are they supportive of you? I hope you keep in touch, would like to be there to listen as you have listened to me on this post. I read alot of posts and I am amazed at the patience and understanding BSs have shown in going thru their ordeals. Again, I am glad you "CHOSE" to come back. Please feel free to vent when you are having a bad go of it. I will look for your posts should you decide to start one.

BTW Ammon, did your wife ever give you a reason as to why she chose to have an affair? Did anything give you an idea that something was not going as well as it could have been? Was she going thru something?

Neesha --

My daughters started out equally divided in their support. The oldest (now 18) was angry and abusive to me for a good while (blamed me! for this, I guess) but is now at least cordial and even "loving" but still doesn't really initiate contact with me. My youngest (now 16) has been my main-stay throughout this ordeal, always supportive and warm, but I know feels the separation and the loss of our family unit very strongly and has said so often. I continue to work to keep things together for all of us but it's a tremendous uphill battle since W doesn't care about preserving our family.

I have never to this day received any explanation for her A, except the standard fog-riddled "I haven't loved you for years" business. There was not warning, no change in our interactions, I was (as they say) sandbagged. "Was she going thru something?" -- well, she's right at the age for a MLC, but who knows? I'd like to believe that this is all a stage and that she'll (we'll) grow out of it. What a price to pay for her stretching her wings! Claims she "needs to make this journey."

I'm here for the duration. I have a "bad go" of it a couple of times a day but as always manage to get through it somehow, often by posting responses here. Thanks for your offer to listen; that's what we're all here for, I believe, to help one another through...

Ammon

Hi, I'm usually on the divorced/divorcing board but your post here caught my eye and I had to jump in. I'm relatively new to this whole forum, but I tell you it has been a true lifesaver for me. My WH has been exhibiting the same signs for almost a year, the coldness, the distance, all the signs of major MLC (he just turned 50). I discovered he had been having a long term (4 year!!) affair with a co-worker this past summer and then things came to a head fast. After a half hearted reconcilation attempt on his part (it seemed whole hearted at the time), he split. We are now separated and the divorce process is underway, I'm sorry to say. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I dearly love this man, despite the fact that this is the 2nd affair I have discovered and I doubt that he can ever be 100% faithful to me, even if we did postpone the DV. I, in fact, used the same term, a "shell" of the man he used to be when I confronted him and the MOW at a local hotel (now that was fun, let me tell you!!). I know how lost you feel and the frustration in not being cared for at all, barely acknowledged, blamed for everything. I can't say it will get better, but I can say that people are here for you, to understand and support you. Take heart in that and take care of yourself. I will keep you in my prayers.

Broken, I am so sorry you had to endure that,and I am sorry that your husband can't wake up!! It's ironic, we see our mates thru the good,bad and the ugly...and the OP gets the rewards of what our strength has "given" to our mates. Thank you for replying to my post. Do you think there are any possibilities that your WH will come out of the fog? How are you doing with all this and let me ask you if I may, are you still working on building the marriage again, or have you moved on? When I read your post, I instantly felt the pain. Was the OW married? and does her BS know? Please let me know more of your ordeal if you feel you want to share with me. Again, thanks for replying.

What a fog!!! Does not go to work for 3 days, then tonight he comes home and bakes brownies and cookies... But as he says a couple of nice things, he remains detached, cold. THE KICK, he leaves the kitchen a mess...well, as someone who has been polite and respectful to get anger and resentment thrown at me it is amazing. So after the kitchen crusade, he proceeds to go down into the den where he can isolate himself and be the "victim". This "fog" stuff should be bottled and used for something!! Oh, and not to mention he went out and bought food for himself, but not anyone else. But on a positive note, I feel pretty lucky not to be walking his path and that I can stay focused on myself, my family, the pets. Trying to get a job, but having a little rough time of it, with disability, but I'll keep plugging along! My thoughts and prayers go out to all going thru this.

Neesha --

Glad you've posted again and updated us. I was concerned about you and your situation. Maybe it's the way you've phrased it but things seem somewhat calmer there and not as overtly antagonistic and hostile. Not that you're feeling any better about him and The Fog, necessarily, but at least you've maintained that smart, healthy perspective. What's this about him saying "a couple of nice things?" -- probably a momentary break in the clouds...

I appreciated your sentence that you "feel pretty lucky not to be walking his path and that I can stay focused on myself, my family, the pets." I sometimes think that the smartest thing we can do is to stay above all of the stuff and try our hardest not to be pulled down to their level. Not always easy--emotions get in the way--but a wise goal.

We're with you, Neesha, please hang in there...

Ammon

Thank You Ammon, well the nice things were not a big deal, let's see..he actually acknowledged me when I asked him how his day went, he said "It sucked" "Why do you ask". In which I replied "Because you ask someone those kind of questions when you care" Then he proceeded to bake and leave the mess. What bothers me is that he has not been going to work, and he also going to school to finish a networking specialist degree, that is why I asked him about his day. He is so self-sabatoging it is scary. I also think he is tampering with my computer which bothers me, I have my own and he owns 3; one of which is our server but I do not log onto our home network anymore. I really am glad you keep reading my posts. It's the only way I can vent right now as so many people here in the house are affected by what's happened. See, here is the weird thing, my brother moved here to marry WS's sister (yea I know) anyways, not even 24 hours of him moving here is when I found WS and OMW. So my B is taking this hard because he feels this could have been prevented by WS. So the tension is high here as you can imagine because my B quit his job to move here and WS knew that. So alot of people are hurting. Sounds like a soap opera doesn't it? But I thought I would tell you some of the parameter issues. So please tell me how you are doing? Anything happening on your end? Will you be with your girls for the holidays?

Neesha, I wish I could say I've "moved on"...I am trying, but it's hard to let go of someone you have loved and counted on for almost 29 years. He filed the paperwork for the divorce, and every counter measure I do legally, he whines about, says I am trying to hurt him...I say I am only doing what i have to do in response to HIS action, and that I would never intentionally do anything to hurt him. I have told him that at any point if he wishes to stop this and make an honest and longterm committment to work on our marriage, I would be willing to do everything within my power to build the life that he wants to build. I still love him very much, but after I made that offer, I realized that I was almost afraid he might take it. I know how silly that must sound. It's just that he has lied to me so many times and the OW has such a powerful hold over him, I'm not sure I could trust him enough to make the sincere effort this would require. In realizing that fear, I knew that I had come one step closer to being true to MYSELF, not a doormat for him. I no longer look at him and see the man I loved and married; I see someone who has changed, lied and is no longer worthy of my respect or protection. I shall always miss my beloved husband, the one who sent me roses for my birthday, beautiful cards, coffee in the mornings, kisses on the back of my neck while I did the dishes. The man who signs his name today to cold, uncaring notes on my kitchen counter is not that husband. I had the best of him = she will only get the "shell". I thank God for what I had and if I never in my life know love like that again, I can take comfort in the fact that I did have it once, knew it and appreciated it, even though he doesn't think I did. My future is very uncertain at this point. I try daily to reinstill the confidence that I once had in myself, but spousal affairs can knock your self worth in the dirt and it takes awhile to get it back...rest assured Neesha, we are worth it and we WILL get it back, with God's help. Take care my friend.

Broken, I understand your statement of "not being sure you want him back" In our minds we are thinking (or at least I am) what all will that involve for the repairing of such distress and chaos in our lives. I have not as many years invested as you do, nor do I really understand your WS's coldness because the OW can have all the "delusional power" over him she thinks she has, but in reality, she only has a "small amount" of knowledge about him, she only gets what he is going to give her. He KNOWS who knows his weaknessess, strengths, vulnerabilites, scars, quirks, passions, depressions, dark sides, immature sides, and believe me, IT IS NOT HER. She may feel she knows him, but the truth is, HE does not know himself, so whatever he protrays to her is is "unrealities" of himself. She is basically receiving him from his "ego" side, not the true being your husband was at one time. He wants to be this shell right now and obviously this OW is fine and dandy with that, the blessing in this is that YOU know what you want and you will not settle for the shell when you know the core is missing!!! I am always here for you Broken and do not hesitate to contact me at all. If you want to email me (I don't know if we are allowed to do that) but I will leave my address for you neesha8@hotmail.com Please take care and I am grateful for friends like you and Ammon who has posted here. Best wishes from one that knows how special of a being you REALLY are.

bump for Broken