quote:
quote:

Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#1041397 11/21/02 01:05 AM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 10,060
W
Member
Member
W Offline
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 10,060
This is your post on the "On informing OP's spouse...." thread:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This topic is applicable to me today because I need to inform the OW's H. Three weeks ago (10/28), my WH ended all contact w/the OW and was very confident in his decision to do so. I called the OW (left a vm for her at work) confirming that my H had shared w/me their conversation in detail, that we were committed to MC and working on our R and I expected her to respect that. I told her I was giving her a gift by not telling her H - but the 1st time I discovered any contact, I would not wait 5 seconds before contacting him.

Well, yesterday I discovered her # as an incoming call on my H's cell phone. I confronted him immediately (he had promised to tell me if she contacted him) and he said she had called to see "how I was doing, if I was still working on my M, and if I would agree to see her". He promised me he told her no and that he was definately still working on his M. She (supposedly) is also in MC. I have been monitoring my H pretty closely since the N/C agreement so, since I have not seen or felt they have had contact, I chose to believe him. Of course, this means that I have to follow through and share info with the OW's H. Since I am a kind person, though she deserves everything she gets, the prospect of shattering the world of someone I don't even know...is very difficult. Especially with the upcoming holidays (they have 2 small children).

She needs to be focused inward on her M in order to stay out of mine. Also, It is more difficult to monitor my H's actions while no one is monitoring hers. Wish me luck! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please consider this advice.

Do not for a moment fully accept that the affair is over. Even if it is right now, it can relapse in a heartbeat.

Ask your H to write a "No Contact" letter to OW, allowing you to review it and see it mailed.

Even if the affair is over for good, implement Plan A RIGHT NOW! You have to fix your contributions to the poor marital environment that preceded the affair.

Do not bother to contact OW any further. Inform her H as you see fit, but I suggest you do this as a preventive measure for affair relapse - not vindictively.

Remained focused on yourself and your marriage. This is not about OW or OW's H.

Just my humble opinion.

<small>[ November 20, 2002, 12:32 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

#1041398 11/21/02 01:42 AM
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 12
2
Junior Member
Junior Member
2 Offline
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 12
You are absolutely right and I am (and have been)implementing Plan A (even before I knew what it was). The A is only a symptom of our problems and I recognized that (and the part I played)from the beginning. We are in MC to address those core issues and my H is in IC as well. He is severely depressed (was on meds that were not working)and is being evaluated for new anti-depressants today. Until his depression is under control and lifted, it is impossible to make significant headway. He just knows that I love him, want to forgive him (not there yet), and have been doing the work necessary to make personal changes in myself that contributed to the A environment. I am hoping and praying that he will choose to exert the same amount of effort.

I realize the A may not be over, even if my H consciously wants it to be. The OW is not a huge factor in this BUT I replied to the post on "telling the OP's Spouse" because I need to follow through on that now. There is really nothing vindictive about this, I simply need to protect my family. My counselor even helped me determine the minimum to say to her spouse in case she ever contacted him again. Also, if they are also in MC (as my H has been told) what a revelation this will be to the OW's H who has to be wondering what is wrong. Of course, that is not my motivation, just a thought.


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 523 guests, and 71 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
vivian alva, Zion9038xe, renki, Gocroswell, Allen Inverson
72,027 Registered Users
Latest Posts
How important is it to get the whole story?
by still seeking - 07/24/25 01:29 AM
Annulment reconsideration help
by abrrba - 07/21/25 03:05 PM
Help: I Don't Like Being Around My Wife
by abrrba - 07/21/25 03:01 PM
Following Ex-Wifes Nursing Schedule?
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:21 AM
My wife wants a separation
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:20 AM
Spying husband arrested
by coooper - 06/24/25 09:19 AM
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,624
Posts2,323,523
Members72,028
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2025, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.