My God,
When will this be easier to deal with? Why are some days so good and I feel like I CAN deal with this then other days (LIKE TODAY) it feels like I won't make it through ANOTHER DAY. Today I spoke to my H for the first time in 5 days. He keeps talking about purchasing these lavish gifts for X-mas as if I give a D@#N. (is this fog, guilt, etc..) He told me that he's buying me diamond earrings and a fur coat for X-mas. I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THIS NONSENSE. I just want a normal life with my H and son. He hasn't said ANYTHING about us, nor has he even made me THINK that he's thinking about coming home to us. Why do I keep having a feeling like he's really emotionally involved with someone. My cousin told me that when you are going through situations such as this u begin to "CREATE" images in your head. Is this possible? He is STILL denying an A. I just want to bring it to light SO THAT IT CAN BE OVER!!!! I am still pregnant and sometimes I wish God would take me in my sleep. I am trying my best to "work" on me, but this is WORKING me.
What is wrong with me? How can he be with another woman and not give 2 SH#@TS about how I feel?

<small>[ November 20, 2002, 11:43 PM: Message edited by: luvhazeleyes ]</small>

Dear Luv,

Not sure if he is having an A? Do the having an A test.

How? Hm..... let's see. For starters you can act like you are wondering about something. I used to sniff the air and just say something doesn't smell right......what have you been up to? You are pregnant and very sensitive to scents right?!?!?

Act like something doesn't feel right. Let him try to make you feel better. Gauge him by how he treats you.

The A brings out the worst in a spouse and the ugliness in the WS. If his reactions seem unusual and give you more reason to doubt, well it will show. The WS usually doesn't like the BS to be suspicious.

I give my H that 'look' and he is learning to ask instead of angrily assume. I told him his angry assumptions were dead A giveaways. That's when he started blaming MB for filling my head with M garbarge.... LOL!!! Little did he know?!?!?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

L.

luvhazeleyes, I just saw your post and Im sorry that you are having to deal with this situation especially while being pregnant. The most important person in your life is you. So take care of yourself so you can be strong for your babies. I know it is easier said then done. I struggle daily trying to keep it together. I know that GOD is with me and also with you and your family. God bless you. RRS

My gosh, you are pregnant and dealing with this stuff?

I went through separation with my third pregnancy
and I was worried that my child would end up right. Rest assured he did. He is a great person-was the CUTEST LITTLE BOY I EVER SAW!! Really. The cutiest!He is now 21 and the best catch yet out there to be caught!

I am sorry. I am rambling about myself.My husband is a bit like yours in the sense that he wants to buy me things to make me happy and make up for the shortcomings in our marriage.
Don't feel too badly though. He IS thinking of you the best way that HE thinks he can. It will take time for him to feel that you love eachother enough for " things" not to matter. But that takes time.

Try to accept his ways for now and slowly let him know that these are not the things that matter to you deep down in your heart. Then let him know what that is. He wants to please you in the best way that HE knows how. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am soooo sorry- CONGRADULATIONS!!! YOU ARE HAVING A BABY_THIS IS SO WONDERFUL!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi,

Orchid
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ? Hm..... let's see. For starters you can act like you are wondering about something. I used to sniff the air and just say something doesn't smell right......what have you been up to? You are pregnant and very sensitive to scents right?!?!? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't get close enough to him to "smell" an A, we're separated. That is why I don't understand why he won't just be honest with me. What is with the gift things, what is that about? Any ideas? I don't know anything anymore, but I need help. PERIOD!!!!

RRS, thank you so much for responding. God Bless You too.

Ezra
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Don't feel too badly though. He IS thinking of you the best way that HE thinks he can. It will take time for him to feel that you love eachother enough for " things" not to matter. But that takes time.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't help but to feel badly. We have actually been separated since June, but he has decided he doesn't want to be with me at all in Oct. How can I NOT feel bad. I don't know what to think.

LuvHazelEyes: Please don't ever think about wanting God to take you in the night! Just keep posting here. If you've read any of my posts you will know that my H left in July and I have more bad days than good.

How can they carry on with OW and not care about our feelings? Wish I knew. Will he deny it? Absolutely..that's a given. I bet if you caught them in the act, he's still deny it.

All I know is that every day I am so grateful for reading the Harley books and finding this website. Friends are great for suport but WE here on this site know first hand how it feels to go through something like this. We are here for support at times like this.

I can only imagine how being pregnant puts more stress and worries on your being in this situation. Please keep posting and we'll keep reading and hopefully tomorrow will be better than today.

My H was at our house last night for our D's 10th birthday. To see us you'd think nothing was wrong. But..he still left us to go to his 'new life'. Why? I wish I know. The only explanation for that fog.

Please keep posting. Take care.

luvhazeleyes,

I am sorry to here about your situation. Maybe I am wrong, but you sound like you are isolated or you at least feel that way. Lean on people here, friends, family, and maybe a councilor or clergy.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> All I know is that every day I am so grateful for reading the Harley books and finding this website. Friends are great for suport but WE here on this site know first hand how it feels to go through something like this. We are here for support at times like this.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I couldn't have said it any better. The people here rock! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Take Care.

I can totally relate to what you are going through. I'm also pregnant (due May 15) and my H said he wanted out last week monday. He's been involved in A since last May and says he can't get her out of his head. He can't commit fully to me and knows I deserve that so wants out.

I guess at least he's being honest in telling me he can't commit to me, but it hurts so much!

You need to know that there is nothing wrong with you! It is all him! He is making very poor choices. He is the one choosing to be with someone else while he is still married. He is in the wrong.

I talked to my priest today who said that WS justify themselves and believe they really are in the right, but adultery is never ok. They have taken vows and are breaking them. If they feel there are problems in the marriage then they should be telling us...doing whatever they can to let us know it is bad...but adultery is never right.

Where are their morals and values???

How can a man leave his pregnant wife??? Just what kind of person can do that....

The sad thing is, with all that said I still would like him to come back to me. We are still living together and probably will until the baby comes, and so I am in plan A still although he thinks I've accepted the fact that he wants out.

I wish I wouldn't want him so much....It would be much easier if I could let go.

On the gifts thing I don't know what to say....don't get your hopes up but maybe it is his way of letting you know he wants to come back....
Then again maybe he is feeling guilty and trying to ease his conscience.

My H recently asked me for my Xmas list, but I think it was because he knows I have ordered some things for him already.

Just take care of yourself and try to focus on you and that baby!

I am so sorry I was pregnant when my WH started his 2nd A. He left me almost every other weekend for business but come to find out it was for OW #2. It stopped when our D was born but OW #1 was and still is in the picture. I am so sorry. Talk about a roller coaster of emotions. It worse the worst. Find strength here and with your family and friends. I often had the same thoughts you are having too. I just wanted it all to end. It's the lowest I have ever been but I prevailed and here I am. I sure wish I had found MB back then. I don't have any advise but do know that so many people are here for you. I wish I could give you answers but I sure don't have them. Please keep talking to us here. It will help I promise. Talking here has brought me the most sanity I have had in a very long time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi,
Thank you all for responding.

Kimmy
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How can they carry on with OW and not care about our feelings? Wish I knew. Will he deny it? Absolutely..that's a given. I bet if you caught them in the act, he's still deny it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the hardest for me to deal with. I just don't understand it at all. If my H is telling me it's OVER, then why not at least be honest and tell me he has moved on. I commend the WS's that are at least honest. I think the unknowing hurts more than actually knowing the truth, I could accept that much better. (I think!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

HoldingMyBreath
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The sad thing is, with all that said I still would like him to come back to me. We are still living together and probably will until the baby comes, and so I am in plan A still although he thinks I've accepted the fact that he wants out.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This may sound crazy, but I envy you. I envy all who H are still at home. I pray for the chance to wake up to my husband daily. Despite the fact that your husband "says" he wants out, he is still in your circumference. You have the chance to Plan A and show him differences in you. I only speak to my H when it is convenient for him, and sometimes I'm almost WAITING to hear another woman in the background. I get nothing physically, emotionally, or mentally from my husband. The only thing he has to offer me right now is anything financial. I have a few of my friends who tell me that is a good thing. (Talk about shallow) Yes, although he gives me "things" it doesn't feel good because I DON'T believe it is from the heart. I just want my husband to realize that I truly love him. That I am sorry for my part in this situation. I am sorry for being insecure and clingy. I am so sorry for belittling him, while he would sit there and say nothing. I WAS AFRAID OF BEING ABANDONED, DOESN'T HE UNDERSTAND???? MY FATHER HAS NEVER BEEN IN MY LIFE, EVER!!!! I just wanted to feel loved, thats all. I don't want to be a divorce statistic. I don't want my son to have to be around another woman. I don't want to be single again while he's making SOMEONE ELSE HAPPY. I also don't want anyone else that I know telling me that I need to stop acting married because he's not acting this way. (what type of SH#$ is that to say?) It is NOT wrong to want your M to work. Sorry, I was just venting. I am SOOO SCARED.

Luki and stillcrazy,
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I will keep you in my prayers.

S~

---BUMPING FOR HELP----

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by luvhazeleyes:
<strong>When will this be easier to deal with? </strong>
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To be honest, from my experience in all of this stuff, it doesn't get easier to deal with until you reach an acceptance of what you can and cannot control in your situation.

Part of that acceptance comes when you start focusing on YOU, and improving YOU. However, you can't reach that stage until you go through some of your grieving process - which is a different timeline for everyone. It sounds like you still need to grieve some.

What you then must decide, is when enough is enough. And then take action to regain control of YOUR life. Yes, it is a far more difficult task when there are little ones around - but then again, they also force you to get on with the day to day things in life from the get go.

You are right, you have a VERY difficult situation, b/c you do not have much contact with your H. THAT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! That is something that you really don't have any control over either. I can't tell you how you can make your inner self really see this, b/c I would imagine it is different for everyone. For me, I would make mental and verbal reminders to myself, to convince me that it was out of my control. I eventually gained acceptance through other means... but that was how I started.

What you need to do, when you're ready, is start to see what YOUR part in the demise of your M was. What did you NOT do? What DID you do? What could you have done better? What can you change in you NOW, so that you will make you a better person in the future?

I'm here for you luv. I know it's hard. Like many of us on here, we've been where you are now, and are living proof that healing DOES happen! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

(((((((((((((luvhazeleyes))))))))))))))

Karen

((((((((((((((((((luv)))))))))))))))))

A year ago, I was EXACTLY where you are now.

Pregnant, with three kids and with a WH living with his parents.

So, I know exactly what you are going through, and I can't even describe to others how incredibly hard it is.

This is supposed to be the happiest and exciting time in your life - pregnant and you want to share it with your H and he is having none if it. And to make matters worse, when you are pregnant you need LOTS of emotional support anyway, and now H is giving you negative emotional support. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I wish there was a magic pill that you could take to make it all go away.

And I know that I was also tired of people telling me to get on with my life because H had. Even my priest told me that. But at the time I could not walk away from my marriage.

And remember - you have all of those pregnancy hormones inside of you that bond you even more to the baby's father, so it's doubly or triply difficult to separate yourself from him - it's biology, I just don't think we can.

With that said, what shall I tell you to do to make it easier.........

What do I wish others had told me to do.......

Topie was right in her post, but acceptance is something that will not have it now, and you may not have it until after the baby is born and you stop breast feeding and the pregnancy hormones are out of your system, but much later.

This is all you can do, and this was the best advice given to me:

take it one day at a time.

If you can't do that, then take it one minute at a time and then one hour at a time until you can take it one day at a time.

Do not plan for the future, do not think about tomorrow. Think about getting through only today.

And LEAN ON OTHERS. That is what got me through.

Let people call, bring you dinners, throw you a shower, take you to lunch, whatever, but let them help.

You are going through a TRAUMA right now and GOd works through people so let Him work.

And of course PRAYER will save your life.

Sometimes it's all I could do but cry out to God for help, and believe it or not, He ALWAYS came through. I was given peace and help and sometimes even joy.

With time, things will get clearer in your mind and you will be able to handle what is happening around you.

You do have to realize that THERE IS NOTHING THAT YOU CAN DO to stop your H - unless you want to read Divorcebusting by Michelle Weiner Davis or Stop Your Divorce or one of those books, and I know it's like looking at a speeding train carrying your family as it heads to the edge of a cliff, but just like you can't stop that train, you can't stop what's happening. You can only react.

Ok, with that just SCREAM. SCREAM at the injustice of it all. At the sin and the tragedy. Because it is all of those things.

However, when you're done, then remember that just like with 9/11 God will take that evil choice of free will and turn it into something incredible wonderful and beautiful.

My baby was a girl, and I look at her everyday and thank God for her. She is what has gotten me and my boys through this entire mess, and I think that God knew that.

So, right now, take things one day at a time. Trust that God is working even if you can't see it. Cry if you want to. And please try and take care of yourself or let others take care of you.

There are no reasonable answers for this. Except that God will NEVER abandon us like our H's have.

May God Bless You Today, K