Hi everyone.

I just returned from a six day trip with school. We were in San Francisco. It was absolutely incredible. I am from the east coast, and the differences out west were mind-blowing.

My H and I have struggled with my deep sense of confusion and regret at marrying so young. I was 21. For the first two years of our marriage, I was fine staying home, or doing normal marriage things...movies, dinner, etc.

When my H moved away for the summer, I finally got a taste of what it's like to live by myself. And I loved it. This created all sorts of issues for us because I never lived on my own before marriage. I went from mom's to H's. I am a very mature 23 and so it never bothered me that i didn't do the whole early-20s thing.

So I go on this trip and I get back. I'm tired, and sad (miss CA too much!), and H and I have it out. He feels threatened by the friends I spent such a good time with. He's nervous that our move for his career in 8 months will be too much for me. I have told him how I feel about my life and my regrets. I hve also told him that while I wish I had taken a few more years to explore who I am, I am choosing to stay with him and to try to move past these feelings.

He's been very critical of my friends, categorizing ALL of them as "immature". This is simply not true. What devestates me most is that there is a huge part of me that WANTS to be free. But I am too terrified to explore that. I am committed to staying married, and I want to grow past this.

Can ANYONE please give me some insight into how to deal with all of this? I have written before about this and my post usually falls flat because it's not a crisis, or anything "exciting". What I'm looking for is some wisdom that I do not have yet. I need to know how to set aside these urges and thoughts about what my life could be like. I need to reassure my H, but it's hard when he LBs me.

Please discuss this with me...I really need some support right now.

Thanks guys...

I am NOT in my early 20's anymore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> But...I still miss that exciting point in my life. I think we all do. I got married when I was 25 and wonder if it was too early. It was a trade off. I traded some experiences for other experiences. Just because the grass looks greener on the other side, doesn't mean it is greener. Part of being an adult is accepting the consequences of our choices, accepting responsibility for these choices.

I still like it when my H goes away on business. The whole bed to myself! Not being accountable for what I spend, not worrying about another person to 'be there for', having my evenings (after the kids are in bed) all to myself, a less hectic schedule. I get to be a little more selfish and self-focused. Don't worry, it's normal. It's just important to find a healthy balance.

IMHO, your H feels threatened by your friends. Why? Do you act like another person when you're with them? Are your friends decent, mature and responsible people like yourself or are they still 'growing up'? Do you include your H in activities with your friends? If not, why not? Are you 100% open and honest about the activities that you and your friends engage in?

Do you feel that if you look outside yourself and outside your M you will suddenly find happiness? You won't. Happiness comes from within and we share it with others. You can look forever to find happiness or you can stop, deal with issues and find happiness within yourself.

Both you and your H have some growing to do as a couple. Nothing wrong with that, we all do. Growing together is continuous. It never ends. I will have been M 13 years this winter and I still struggle with being M sometimes. Here is what I've learned...
-Problems do not go away if you ignore them. You must face them and solve them. Preferably together.
-We all bring our own 'baggage' into our marriages. Some of it can be very destructive. Acknowledge it and deal with it.
-Anyone who tells you M is easy, wonderful or that they never have bad feelings towards their spouse is a liar. Two different people cannot live together in harmony all the time.
-Learn to communicate effectively. See a good MC and learn the tools you will need.
-Learn to embrace the things you love about your H and accept the things you dislike. No one is perfect.
-Be open to change, learn to 'roll with the punches', be receptive to all experiences good or bad, they all teach us something.
-Be honest, don't try to protect your spouse. This does your spouse a huge disservice. You will be misleading them and then expecting them to act a certain way even though they don't have the information to act a certain way. Totally unfair.
-M is a team effort, work together as a team. M is a partnership, keep your partner informed to all new updates so they can help make effective decisions to make the partnership work.
-Most importantly, the only person you can control or change is yourself.

J-bird,

What you're experiencing is exactly what my wife went through with me. We too, are 5 years age difference as you are with your H. Here's is the shortest, but best advice I can give you:

GO TO MARRIAGE COUNSELING. NOW!

If you don't either one of you are likely to stray eventually. Both of you have valid concerns,and neither one of you is right or wrong in how you feel.

Good luck.

I totally realize so much of what you just said. I knew M is not all roses. I went through a rough childhood with my mom's second M. I am completey aware of the need for communication. We are good at it for the most part. I told him how I have been feeling about life regrets. That took a lot for me to be so candid with him.

But it's this deep melancholy I feel. I know it's not better out there. He is a wonderful human being, a wonderful husband and son. He loves me so completely. At times, I think he loves me more than I love him. That pains me so much to write.

Maybe I'm coming down off of a high from a fantastic trip and so everything thing in my "real" life seems dull and gray. I need to let a few days pass before I conclude that I'm miserable. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I do love him and I want to be open and honest about everything, like you suggested. But how do you convey intangible feelings such as mine, without breaking his heart?

I really need to just get over this. I'm just such a brutally honest person. (Often that gets me in trouble) And I can't hide my emotions very well.

Right now, I'm clouded, and tired and confused. I think I need to go and think...

...I'll write more later as the need arises.

Thank you mgm...your words are comforting.

Well said MGM!
My WH and I are 5 years apart as well. We married when I was 20. It was hard for him to have much in common with my friends. However, over the many years, that has changed and one of my best friends in high school and her husband are a couple we spend much time with and go on vacations with now!

I would just like to add that maybe you should do the questionnaires on the website. Have your hubby do them, too. Then share them.

I am doubly glad you came here to this website before something happened to your marriage that could have devastating outcomes. Learn from this website.
Good lUck!!!

Bandit,

I didn't see your post until after I hit send.

One of the reasons I freaked this summer about what I missed out on was seeing an old boyfriend with whom I shared many special experiences. It turned into an EA and I cut it off.

I feel like I'm losing myself right now.

I think MC is where we need to be. How shameful I feel about suggesting that. I feel so weak.

I read on this website where someone posted this wonderful piece of advice and it went something like this....

A weak person does nothing. A strong person seeks professional help.

I hope this encourages you to do what you need to do. Also, get some rest.
Hugs...

Hi J-Bird:

Woulda Coulda Shoulda. Our lives are made up of these. Remember just as in an affair what you saw in your week's vacation was the best that the 20-30's have to offer. You did not experience the lonliness, confusion, is this the right person, how did I end up here questions.

Did you marry too young? Only you can anwser that for yourself.

J-Bird there are many people out there and many paths we can take. Comittment is staying with that which we have chosen.

Jack

I am going to be pretty blunt here, so be prepared. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I, too, can be brutally honest. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by J-bird:
<strong> I knew M is not all roses. I went through a rough childhood with my mom's second M..</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, so I guess I don't have to tell you that life in gerneral isn't always wonderful. We all have the dark, grey times. It's normal! No one has a totally happy, easy going life all the time! The nice thing is that the bad times make the good times seem so much sweeter!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by J-bird:
<strong>
I am completely aware of the need for communication. We are good at it for the most part. I told him how I have been feeling about life regrets. That took a lot for me to be so candid with him.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good communication is so much more than just telling someone how you feel. A big part of it is learning how to be a good listener. Hearing what your partner is actually saying and not filtering it to hear what we think they are saying. It's about knowing how to say things and not just blurting them out. It's about knowing how to pick your battles, what really matters and what doesn't.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by J-bird:
<strong>
But it's this deep melancholy I feel. I know it's not better out there. He is a wonderful human being, a wonderful husband and son. He loves me so completely. At times, I think he loves me more than I love him. That pains me so much to write.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's time to consider the fact you may need IC. Could you be depressed or bi-polar? Only a professioanl can determine this. If you want to feel better about your life then you must do what it takes to make it happen. Quit looking for someone else to take the pain away or solve your problems. You want to happy, fulfilled and self-actualized? Then make it happen, only you can!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by J-bird:
<strong>
Maybe I'm coming down off of a high from a fantastic trip and so everything thing in my "real" life seems dull and gray. I need to let a few days pass before I conclude that I'm miserable. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As I said before 'real life' ain't always rosey!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> You don't need a few more days to wallow in misery you need to get off your butt and decide how to fix this now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by J-bird:
<strong>
I do love him and I want to be open and honest about everything, like you suggested. But how do you convey intangible feelings such as mine, without breaking his heart? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You go to a MC and learn how to do it in a loving, mature and non-confrontational way. Are you sure that you are only afraid of breaking his heart? Is it possible you are more afraid of something else?? Think about that one.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by J-bird:
<strong>
I really need to just get over this. I'm just such a brutally honest person. (Often that gets me in trouble) And I can't hide my emotions very well.

Right now, I'm clouded, and tired and confused. I think I need to go and think...
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You aren't being very honest right now, are you? You are doing your darnedest to avoid and run away from this. How much longer are you going to run around in circles, feeling the same way and never getting to the heart of the issue?? You can think all you want but, if you aren't thinking in the right direction and with the right perspective then this could go on and on and on....

You should never hide your emotions, you should learn to control them and deal with situations realistically and honestly. Your emotions are a legitimate expression of how you are feeling, why hide them?? Are your feelings not important?? Of course they are!! It's more important to examine them to understand why you feel the way you do and it's important to learn how to effectively express your emotions.

I hope mgm is still around.

If you are, I want to address your last response. First of all, THANK YOU!!!!! It helps to have someone be blunt with me, without all the emotional garbage.

I had a very strong reaction to your last paragraph, where you said I am not being honest with myself, that I am running away from the real issues. Here's where I am confused:

I have told my H about these regrets, and he is understanding of them. He doesn't particularly like them, obviously, but he says it's normal to question our decisions. My question to YOU, mgm is this, if I HAVE told him, and we're discussing his and my perceptions of how I am dealing with this ache in the back of my head about marrying so young, then how can you say I am avoiding the issue? Seriously, I just want to understand. I feel like "But I AM trying to figure this out!!!" The thing is, there is nothing I can do, save divorce, that will show me what I missed. So don't I have to just get over it?

We have thought about MC, and perhaps we need to take a big step in that direction. But it seems like my issue is something I need to get over and move on with. What can I do that will show that I am not avoiding it? I cannot avoid my feelings, but I also can't go on an on about something that is like willmakeitwork said: coulda shoulda woulda. That's just not productive and it's unfair to my H.

Please clarify for me!

Well, J-Bird. My 2 cents are this:

I was 29 when I married my H. He was 26. I had many relationships prior to him and 'lived'. My H, on the other hand, had no serious relationships prior to me and I think that's part of his current problem that led to what we're going through.

In my opinion..I can't speak for anyone else, but all I feel my H missed, by not 'sowing his wild oats' and 'doing things' before meeting me, is the crap we all go through when we're young. How many of us had relationships that now we think 'I can't believe I went out with that person', and the loneliness in between looking for 'Mr. or Mrs. Right'. Yes, having your freedom is one thing, but being in a relationship with someone and taking that step to get married, despite age differences (I also don't believe 5 years is much) is way better than the bar scene or the break-ups, or the loneliness when you're in between relationships.

What you need to do is appreciate the fact that you have a partner and enjoy the fact that you are both young, and can do so much TOGETHER. You don't mention kids, so if it's just the two of you enjoy your time together and work on doing things that make you feel you're 'living' but 'living' together. It's way more fun to have a partner to do stuff with, and you could also take one night a week to see your friends individually that you might enjoy or pursue an individual interest.

Hope you can work it out.

Kimmy,

I intend on working this all out. I understand what you say about how the single life is no fun. I had plenty of experiences before I met my husband. But the problem is, they were experiences that occured when I was still under my parents' roof. I am not asking for anyone's permission to go "play". Trust me. I am totally aware of the fact that I could destroy everything I have if I'm not careful.

That is why I am here. I want to get back what I felt and what I know I wanted two and a half years ago. What I am really trying to clarify is how to deal with these feelings? mgm said I was "running" from the real issue. Excuse me for appearning naive, but I am TRYING TO DEAL WITH THIS!!!!!

Sorry if this seems rude, but it seems like people just want to react to me immediately by saying, "Oh, be thankful for what you've got. It sucks on the other side." I know this. I am thankful. But the fact remains I am still struggling with the more general issue of how to deal with my sense of lost independence.

I am not looking for permission to go booze it up, and hook up with strangers. I have way more self-respect than that. I want to improve my marriage and learn how to deal, and ultimately get over these horrible feelings.

Perhaps this is the wrong place to seek help.

J-Bird: I'm sorry if it seemed like I wasn't supporting you. I am..really, and I admire you for admitting you feel this way BUT are asking for help and advice.

All I really mean is that you can have more fun WITH your partner than alone. I know you say there are differences in your relationship, and you certainly are entitled to have different interests and even like/dislike friends of each others. I only meant that you have a great opportunity to be active and enjoy each other and interests together that can lead to a wonderful, fun life, but with a partner who loves you and you love him.

You have a right to want some independence, and that's why I say you need to discuss with your H how to meet your needs..by perhaps having one (or more - up to you two) nights where you both enjoy your individual interests.

Don't feel we can't support you. We can. And, you DON'T have to agree with us at all..we just offer our opinions and perhaps you can get some advice from someone that will help you.

Keep posting, and remember..I'm 20 (yikes) years older than you.. so just pretend I'm like Mom giving you advice that you may or may not agree with <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks for clarifying, Kimmy.

It's easy to become defensive on the forum. It's tough being so young, because I don't think people take me very seriously. It's the curse of being young, and I'm sure I'll appreciate that when I'm a bit older and wiser.

When I really think hard about why it is I feel so disconnected to my husband, I think part of the problem is that he is feeling very insecure right now. Not surprisingly, my conversations with him over the last few months about these issues and concerns of marrying too young have given him great cause for anxiety and sadness. I held it in and thought I could get through it without him. I was wrong. When I finally told him, I felt a lot better. But then he began to dwell on it. I guess this trip I went on in San Francisco was sort of trigger for him. He was at home thinking the worst - that I wouldn't want to come home to him.

But instead of supporting my trip and being sincerely happy for me (which he said he felt before I left), he let his insecurities come through and sort of acted put out and annoyed at anything I mentioned about the trip. (I tried REALLY hard not to rub the whole experience in his face. I'd be jealous, too!) So I guess when I see him acting insecure, I instinctively want to push him away. I become angry. I think, "If you say you understand so well that I needed to go on this trip for myself, why can't you just hug me hello and say 'I'm so glad you had a great time'?"

And then, when I push him away, I start thinking how I'd like to be back there, alone. I start letting all of these garbage thoughts about single life creep back in.

It's very cyclical. That makes it complicated.

If you don't want to write back, don't worry. I think I need a few days to settle back into my schedule, get used to being back in classes. This trip was like a paradise - took away all responsibilities and deadlines. It's no wonder I felt so sad when I got home.

Thanks for listening...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by J-bird:
<strong>

I have told my H about these regrets, and he is understanding of them. He doesn't particularly like them, obviously, but he says it's normal to question our decisions. My question to YOU, mgm is this, if I HAVE told him, and we're discussing his and my perceptions of how I am dealing with this ache in the back of my head about marrying so young, then how can you say I am avoiding the issue? Seriously, I just want to understand. I feel like "But I AM trying to figure this out!!!" The thing is, there is nothing I can do, save divorce, that will show me what I missed. So don't I have to just get over it?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I apologize for not being clearer. I know you are trying. You are trying very hard. IMHO, you are trying to solve an ongoing problem by using the same techniques over and over again. You are not able to just move on and solve this. It's time to break the cycle and try a new method to resolve this issue. You and your H need to look at things in a new way, with a new perspective. D is not the answer. (Unless, the regrets you are having are that you didn't get to 'sow your wild oats'.) The answer, as everyone has told you, is MC. In M there are no 'just me' issues. If your choices affect your H then he should be a part of the process don't you think!?

IMHO, 'sowing ones's oats' is highly overrated. What makes sex good is the emotional connection. The mechanics are pretty much the same no matter who it is. Foget the sex...focus on the other activities. Why not do the early 20's activities but, include your H!! I'm sure if he knew how important this was to you, he'd participate!

Include your H in the IC/MC process. He needs to know exactly what is going on. It's all part of the partnership thing I mentioned earlier. You can't possibly think that making a life altering decision shouldn't include your H's educated input!! Both of you need to change the way you look at this to make an informed, educated choice.

Just so you know...if I didn't take you or your concerns seriously I wouldn't bother responding to your posts. Do I detect a hint of self-pity?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ November 21, 2002, 07:24 PM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

ooooooo, mgm, I was just going to make this a quick read, but I can't pass this one up...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Yeah, maybe I'm feeling a little sorry for myself. We all do when we hurt so bad. But take it from my perspective: there is such an incredible amount of hurt on this forum, and it seems that so many people almost thrive in the chaos (I mean that with the utmost repect to others' problems), that when a geeky little 23 year old comes walking in because, aww, she didn't get to go out with her friends enough before she married, people tend to brush me off. I speak from past experience. So, sure, I'm a little guarded. I'll beg a little for some advice, and sure I'm thinking a lot about how bad I hurt right now. But it's good to be kicked in the fanny like you have done to me. I really do appreciate it!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Anyway, have a good night all. And thank you for your input. I'm going home to give my sweet husband a big hug and maybe some smooches, too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Adios!

Well I for one have never been accused of mincing words to much...so here goes...

I am going to say very frank that I think it is unfair of you to say yes to marrying someone and then saying you married to young...

Big Foul in my opinion...(and remember here it is just an opinion...)

What you said to this man REGARDLESS of your age...in front of God and man...
was to love, honor, CHERISH, etc etc..till death till we part....These were serious (in fact th most serious) words..requiring serious commitment and action...

And I will bet money that you aren't doing it...that you aren't placing the highest priority on him and you...but that you spend a lot of energy, and emotion on all theses external friends, (ex-boyfriend.).school, this trip....but not on you and him....

I am seriously asking you the following..not to piss you off but to see what you think the answer is...

What can HE do about the fact you "think now" you married to young...?

What can HE do about the fact you "think" you "missed out"...

How do YOU expect him to fix all these problems YOU are having...

He probably feels helpless, horrible, and at a loss...How horrible do you think this man feels hearing how you feel so bad inside and so like you missed out on things...and there is NOTHING he can do to change any of it...it is already done....

Ofcourse he feels threatened by your friends...take a serious look at the time, energy and excitement you place in them...a serious look...how would you feel if he did that to you....

These questions sound tough...but they are serious soul searching questions...and ask yourself honestly what you expect him to do about it...because I think all that comes out these types of questions is him feeling really really bad...and when one feels bad then things often just get worse...and the LB's are flying...

You say you are brutally honest...then turn that honesty back on you...and explore exactly what it is you expect from him...because he can't fix any of these things for you...

Your thought process frustrates me...and I know I sound pissy...but I am trying to show you a flip side of this issue...besides...all this pop-psyche we should always feel warm and fuzzy" whatever makes us happy" society...and see beyond just your feelings...but the effect we have on others...especially those we vowed to love more than anyone else on this earth...It's not always about...I should feel good all the time...it's about putting others feeling first as well....and not placing them in situations where they will only feel helpless all in the name of making me me me feel better....

ARK

Well Ark presents a different perspective from what mgm was saying. It seems like Ark is saying I shouldn't expect my H to have any burden in helping me with this, while mgm is saying I need to bring all problems to my H and work them out together.

Ark said it's "unfair" that I say 'I do' and then turn around and say I married too young. Unfair? So now I'm being judged for trying to honestly face a serious thought of mine? See, that's exactly what I am TRYING to deal with! I realize it's a hurtful thing to tell my H. I have NEVER threatened him with it, nor have I ever acted inappropriately with my friends because of it. I am trying my damndest to deal with this in an open and honest way. I never said to my H, "guess what? I think I may have made a big mistake. So what are YOU going to do about it?" I said, "H, there was a growth I went through this summer by myself that I really feel good about. But now I am confused because I feel like I want that independence more. I think I probably should have experienced life on my very own before I ever married. But you know what? I love you, and I am committed to making this marriage the best it can be. I am sorry this is hurtful, but I cannot keep this in. Let's celebrate our differences, and the fact that we can be apart once in a while and still be great together. Please help me with this. Please understand that I never had the chance you had to figure out who you are on your own. But I want to still find out who I am, while being your wife." And he was supportive.

My reason for coming back to this board is because while away on my trip, his insecurities (stemming from his own personal issues) created a sort of vacuum of emotions that I was having a hard time deciphering. It was great to be on my own for a few days. But instead of welcoming me back with open arms and saying,"I'm so glad you had fun," he let his insecurities cloud that and he became resentful. That, in turn, makes me want to run back to CA. I realize it's irrational. But it sort of triggered a whole bunch of emotions that I have been trying to overcome.

The fact is, my H and I sat down last night and had a terrific conversation about all of this. We came to some great conclusions and some very important decisions. We're both in a transition period with school and careers. His law program is stressful and often makes him feel inadequate. I realize that I need to care more for his feelings when he feels this way. He also realizes that he needs to verbalize what it is that makes him feel that way. We know each other so well, but sometimes we don't realize that we still have to talk about the obvious - that his bad mood needs to be explained so misinterpretations don't happen. If we can address our insecurities when they happen, then perhaps the spiral of insecurity will not get out of control, spilling into issues that are not really there.

As far as the friends issue, I am VERY aware of how I behave around my friends. I hardly ever see them outside of school. I never talk to them on the phone, because evenings are for us (and that's MY rule!). Sure he feels threatened. But he says it's more because his best friend is across the country and he wishes he had someone he really enjoyed to hang out with once in a while. He apologized for making the sweeping generaliation that all of my friends are immature. He said it was not true and that he knew it shouldn't have come out.

I want to make sure I haven't given the impression that I am totally disregarding my H's emotions, or my entire marriage for that matter. Sure I was excited about my trip, and yeah, I talked about it last week before I left. But I spoke to him 2-3 times a day while I was away. We had very loving, mushy conversations about how the city was so romantic. I WAS being sensitive to him. But it's not fair that I should have to filter all discussion of anything in my life that doesn't relate directly back to my H.

And one last thing. Re: ark's last paragraph about pop-psyche "feel-good always for me", I completely understand what you are saying. I know rationally I will not always feel good. But with what I am trying to deal with, I DO want to feel good about the core of my marriage.

Today is definitely a new day, and I am feeling a whole lot better...

I hope you aren't planning on spending too much time apart persuing your own interests. I think that's what gets marriages in a whole lot of hot water.

Persue some new interests together. What about going on a trip together? Is that possible or not? Maybe just a weekend jaunt? The trip excited you but I would suggest next time, take your hubby.

Oh absolutely, db!

When I speak about spending time apart, I mean, I want to feel okay about doing my own thing for a day - going shopping, running errands, etc. We have travelled a lot together and it is one of our favorite hobbies. We're both very active and so vacation for us is a huge marriage boost. In fact, we're going to Jamaica in December and it will be wonderful, I'm sure!

See, here's where my needs changed from the summer. Before he left, we would spend ALL of our time together. We really are best friends. Then he was gone and I had ALL my time to myself. So when he moved back, I had to adjust to sharing my time and space again. That sort of manifested itself in thoughts about liking to be alone. So, one of the decisions we came to is saying "Yes, it's OKAY for us to be apart once in a while."

He's actually dealth with a lot of these same thoughts as I have. He just didn't freak the way I did! That's where his strength definitely comes into play. He has the maturity and experience to answer his own thoughts about "wondering...what if" with the answer, "and I'm glad I'm married," where as I don't have that prior experience to really appreciate what I do have. But I'm not a dunderhead - I can figure out that I do have it so good, and that it's time to stop playing Russian Roulette with my marriage.

Really, our talk last night cleared so much up for me. And this forum reinforces (even if it hurts) those pillars of trust, committment and loyalty that I lose sight of sometimes.